Post # 1
Hey everyone! I need to do a little venting and am hoping for some support, advice, and even (positive) criticism!
My fiance and i have been dating for about 2.5 years.. and we live together. We are the type of couple that prefers doing things together.. but we do our individual girls and guys nights to make our friends happy. For as long as Ican remember, we have always planned on doing a big group party for our bachelor/bachelorette party.. either in Vegas or Dallas (we live in Oklahoma). My FH has always seemed really excited about this plan.. and I thought it was something we decided together… we share the same group of friends and figured it would be more fun if we were all together.
So my girls have been planning our part of the trip (going to dallas) and planned to go to the spa then to dinner as a girl group, then meet up with the guys to hit the town. My friends are all in committed relationships and are thrilled that their bfs/husbands can make the trip with us since all of them feel bad about going without them… basically the plan was great for everyone!
Everyone except my FH friends apparently. They have decided that a group party is dumb, and a bachelor party has to be a crazy drunkfest that includes strippers and debachary. Now, I’m not the type to be jealous about strippers… through out our whole relationship I have said I don’t care if he goes to strip clubs (I have a friend that strips so I know its not that big a deal)and he has only gone once and said he felt bad the whole time he was there, he doesnt like them. But he has known since day 1 that I am DEAD AGAINST strippers at a bachelor party. I think its the most disrespectful thing you can do to celebrate your future marriage! My fiance has agreed with me up until now when he says he doesnt want to piss off his friends.. and they wont even go if there arent going to be strippers! They don’t want to meet up with the girls group or even stay at the same hotel. Now my friends are hesitant to go because they dont want to go without their bfs/husbands.
I’m distraught. my fiance is trying to make it better by just cancelling the bachelor party all together, but I dont want that for him! I want him to have a good time and have a bachelor party.. its just that if we go with his friends plans, mine basically get ruined!
I know its just a stupid party.. and people will think its stupid of me to get upset over it.. but I just want everything to be perfect and everyone to be happy. My girls are upset the plans are changing and his boys will be upset if they have to go along with the group… and now i cant tell what my FH wants… is he just telling me what I want to hear??
bleh, i sound like a basket case… and a total rambler. hahaha if this makes sense to anyone.. i appreciate some feedback.
Post # 3
I think this happens more often than you’d think. The guy’s friends want the bachelor party, even when the groom doesn’t really want the drunkfest. I think sometimes the buddies feel like this really is their last chance to do that stuff as a group. And like you said, it’s just a party, and your FH is focused on doing this with his friends, not that he’s excited about the strippers and drinking.
I don’t think your feelings are out of line, though, because you had a different agreement. I think the bigger issue that you were actually making plans to have a trip/party together with all your friends and it looks like that might not happen. These buddies of his who insist they need strippers, do they have wives/gfs who would be coming to Dallas? Maybe you could compromise by doing co-ed activities in Dallas during the day, having a nice dinner together, then partying separately at night. I know that might eliminate spa day, but that’s part of the compromise.
Post # 4
No the ones insisting on it are the single guys.. actually, most of his friends are single or the type that don’t really care too much. My FH has always said he wanted something nontraditial for his party.. he loved the idea of a group thing and knew he wanted to go out of town. I dont want him to miss out on that. I feel as though if he gets his party… we will have to change our plans and possibly not even go anywhere.
Post # 5
Honestly, that was my guess, that the guys are single. I’m sorry this is going on, I know I’d be upset if I were in your shoes. Just try to have a good time with your girls whatever you do.
Post # 6
You’re better than me. I would hate the idea of strippers anytimes. (So I fully appreciate not wanting stripper to be a part of your wedding.) You said most of those guys are single. But since you hang in the same crowd, are they somehow linked up with your girls? (BFs, FIs?) Can the girls talk to them since they are bummed too?
So your original plans which would make you happy (bride), your FI happy (groom), and even the girls going happy, will potentially be thwarted by a bunch of horny guys. So they will be happy but the bride and groom won’t be happy at their own bach party. Some friends….. I’d be a little ticked if I were either one of you.
Can you all go down to Dallas for your usual plans. The boys and girls can do separate things and group things as planned. But when it come to the strip club, the horny boys go off on their own, the girls do something on their own, and you and your FI spend some alone time together for a few hours???
Good luck. I feel for you.
Post # 7
All of your feedback is helpful! My girls bfs/husbands are friends with my FH but not really close.. not guys he would have invited unless it its a group party. I say we are all friends because throughout our relationship, we have always done things as a couple.. so I count his friends as my friends.. and he treats my close friends like sisters. In fact, his friends have always been kind and included me in all boys night invites up until this stupid party.. now they are changing everything! I have no problem with us doing separate things.. as long as our original plans of staying together (and no strippers) can stand… I am getting more distraught the more I type, lol!!!!
Post # 8
If you FI doesn’t want strippers I think he should talk to his friends about it… no one wants to feel uncomfortable at a party, especially one that is being thrown for him. I consider my FI friend’s as my friends and vice versa… so we’re actually having two parties, one party with me and my girls/one with him and his guys, then we’re having a joint party. If his single friends want to have a party with just the guys maybe this can be an option, he can go out with his guys and you with your girls once you get home?
Post # 9
I think this is something that you and your fiance need to decide on. Find out from your fiance why he wants to change plans. Is it peer pressure? Is it lack of "party"? Certianly there is a reason, not matter how unreasonable you believe it is.
You need to decide together. This is about compromise. Tell him what you will be losing if he changes plans. Tell him what you expect for him. Come to a conclusion and let him relay the message to his BM who is suppposed to be planning the party (not the single guys).
Post # 10
It sounds like you and your FI are trying to please all your friends when the party is for you! You mentioned your girlfriends don’t want to come w/o their BFs & Husbands (well to be frank they need to get over it, this party is to celebrate you and there shouldn’t be strings attached to get them to come out with you) and the same goes with your FI, from what you say he doesn’t want to go to a strip club, yet his friends say they won’t come unless he does, well they need to get over it too.
It sounds like both of your friends are being selfish and if things don’t go excatly the way THEY want them to go, they won’t come. I think this really isn’t a "stripper" issue b/c say, for example, your FI hated camping and his friends were insistent on camping and said "if we don’t go camping we’re not coming" same issue, your parties shouldn’t be about pleasing your friends. So your FI needs to man up and tell his friends "I don’t want to go to a strip club I want to go to ____ bar" and you should tell your friends "I want you to come to my party but if you can’t leave your BF or husband for a weekend then don’t come." Its a little harsh but it sounds like your friends are ruining your parties. Good Luck with everything!
Post # 11
We’re doing the joint weekend deal. The girls will do lunch/spa/shopping etc, while the guys play golf. Then we’ll all meet up for the evening. I love the idea of doing something together, as the traditional meaning of bachelor parties is not something I support.
FBIL had his bachelor party in 07 (Vegas) and it was awful. He went in a vip room with a couple strippers..FI was the best man and I literally didn’t sleep all weekend. Luckily FIs friends are much more tame than his brothers, but I still can’t shake that memory.
Personally, I think your bachelor/ette party is the life that you live before you decide to marry someone. It’s not *okay* for someone’s husband to be at a strip club in Vegas, so why is it alright for a fiance or boyfriend? Just my opinion, obviously people will be on both sides of the issue. 🙂