So I read bachelor party-related posts for hours, started this post at 3am, and am now finishing it before going to work. I respect this board (it’s been an immense help with the wedding planning) and really need get this out there for some feedback. Misery loves company… and advice…. and reassurance (if warranted)…. but if nothing else, a safe place to vent. I am SO SORRY for the length, but here goes:
I literally count my blessings everyday that my FI is so trustworthy. A little background pertinent to this post: I was in a long term relationship that tested my sanity – and it’s no way to live. It was 9 years of on-again/off-again with the “love of my life” at the time. We were high school sweethearts who didn’t survive the high school/college/grad school/real world transitions. I wasn’t cheated on (to my knowledge), but the seemingly biannual routine of breaking up for ~6 months, then getting back together for ~6 months bred insecurity and then mistrust (for both of us) regarding what the other did (and with whom) during the times we were apart. I had several other committed relationships afterwards before getting together with FI, but suffice to say I learned the value of a solid relationship from that experience/saga more than any other, and came away from the experience a MUCH better person having broken the cycle of emotional and psychological warfare.
On to present day. I love my fiancé more than words could possibly describe and know wholeheartedly he feels the exact same way. I am truly awed at the steadfastness of our relationship and how we have never doubted one another’s loyalty. Just seems like a rarity these days. So when “Vegas!!” was the instantaneous (and unanimous) decision for his bachelor party, I didn’t bat an eye. It didn’t bug me that a couple of his “fidelity-challenged” friends were going either. And when a coworker FI became good friends with a year and a half ago (who is the biggest offender of them all) splurged on a penthouse suite for the trip, I thought it was awesome. l refer to him as the biggest offender b/c his wife still lives and works 2 hours away in their hometown, and he has a gf here. Yeah, pretty terrible, and for what it’s worth, FI and his other friends he’s made at work (they couldn’t come – somebody had to stay behind and keep things running) are completely disgusted by the entire situation. But who’s gonna turn down the Vegas regular with deep pockets who’s booked a suite?! Everyone else involved is a lifelong friend of his – literally, they all grew up together from elementary school. So like I said, I honestly hadn’t given it a second thought.
Well they left for Vegas yesterday – yes, on Valentine’s Day – and aren’t flying home til Sunday. This was something I’d known about months in advance and while I wasn’t thrilled with their choice of weekend (or the fact they’d be gone so long), I understood what it took to coordinate so many schedules and that this just so happened to be the only weekend that worked for 10-15 people. And he sent me gorgeous flowers at work (our valentines day and anniversary ritual), so it’s not like he tried to blow me off or downplay the romantic “holiday”. He texted me when they landed, and also when they got to their room, which was around 3pm
for him. I thanked him for the flowers, sent him a pic of them at his request, and told him to have fun but to be careful. I gave no lectures before he left.
He’s not a “strip club kind of guy” by his own admission. Whether it’s right or wrong, he stereotypes strippers as “gross” (in a “they grind all over countless guys” and are definitely not “the kind of girl any respectable guy would want to do anything physical with” sort of way), but doesn’t exactly oppose the idea of hitting a strip club for a friend’s bachelor party when that’s what the group wants to do. He is fully aware that while I don’t necessarily like it, I also don’t find this unreasonable. He is a typical guy, but the occasions are rare, I trust him, and I don’t expect him to lie about enjoying seeing naked women. That being said, lap dances make him a little uncomfortable, mostly b/c he either a. is grossed out (see above), or b. if she happens to be hot, finds it awkward that he may potentially get aroused. He’s analytical like that lol. (He’s also never bought one for himself.) His reasoning is sound: “Why would any guy (single or not) want to get hot and bothered only for it to be a tease, and by someone he wouldn’t want to do anything with anyway?” I like his thinking, and when combined with the knowledge that he has zero desire to cheat, I have never, ever doubted him.
Well, he called me last night around 8pm
(which was 10pm
for me) obviously and admittedly drunk (slurring his speech and whatnot). This in itself didn’t surprise or upset me in the slightest. Our group is a partying bunch – our group vacations are epic fun. He proceeded to tell me that he wanted to call and tell me he loved me “before he went into the hotel room.” What in the world does that mean?! I hope he just meant it was loud, but I didn’t get a chance to ask b/c he followed immediately with, “Baby I gotta go, Dave just tackled me! I gotta go now baby, I love you!!” and I could hear lots of commotion in the background. Just before the phone hung up, the last thing I heard was “Ok ladies let’s go!” but the phone was too far from whoever said it to know for certain if it was FI or Dave. I’m almost positive it was Dave. But does it matter?? No, it doesn’t. The context was clear. They were back at the hotel, the suite was not an environment suitable for a phone call, and girls were present.
I. Am. Freaking. Out.
Strip clubs are one thing, girls in the room are entirely another. In hindsight, I don’t really know what else I thought they’d be doing in a penthouse suite anyway, and now feel naive to have thought otherwise, especially taking into account who booked the suite (his work friend who has both a wife and a gf). Girls in the room, or any private area for that matter, are a previously discussed matter. It’s off limits. He knows it. The other guys know it. Example: They went to the beach several years ago (before FI and I were together) for the bachelor party for one of their good friends (who is also on this trip) and ordered a stripper to their condo. The wedding was almost called off b/c of it (the friend and his now wife had previously discussed that this was a no-go), and it’s been an example/conversation topic within the group ever since.
But I heard it loud and clear, girls (in whatever capacity) were at the hotel with them and the picture painted in my mind would make a porn star blush. I also know that Vegas in particular is a far riskier “playground”, with girls typically hotter than those found in your usual run-of-the-mill strip clubs in plentiful supply, and that the options for what goes are considerably expanded. It’s not helping ease my anxiety knowing that he didn’t plan the trip’s events and that last night’s very well may not have been pre-planned at all. The peer pressure, blood alcohol level, and private location make for quite the compromising situation and is a recipe for disaster. I’m envisioning him way too drunk/judgment-impaired, in an armless chair, and encircled by his salivating, over eager, also way too drunk/judgment-impaired friends. When things get to a certain point (aka when it goes from a regular lap dance – which is bad enough in and of itself with all the nakedness and grinding – to God only knows what else), he’s going to get turned on (and egged on, both by her and the guys), plain and simple. And if there was more than 1 girl? (remember, I clearly “ladies”), then the options increase exponentially. And yes I’m aware he could say no, cut the music and stop the whole scene in it’s tracks, but that’s not going to happen. While I think he’d never cheat, the possible situation is one with too many outside variables to play the “what if” game. I’m just too realistic to expect his biology not to kick in. Mind you I am NOT excusing him for anything that may or may not have happened and am fully aware that ultimately it was his decision, but I am also already just as furious with his so-called friends. Do they have no respect or concern for his happiness? How this could potentially impact the rest of his life? Any respect for me at all??
I’m sick to my stomach. I cried myself to sleep. I don’t know how I’m going to survive until Sunday
. Knowing that I’ll probably never really know the whole truth is what’s killing me the most. I fear the uncertainty and anxiety of always wondering what really happened for an undetermined amount of time (aka until I hear that he cheated) because I know myself well and I am not good at “letting it go”, especially after everything I went through in my previously mentioned long term relationship. I realize I’m setting myself up for a no-win scenario, b/c there will never be any way to prove nothing happened yet I won’t rest until somebody comes clean. Agony. I am not the type to grill him, demand to know what happened, or even attempt to address the issue while he’s still there. But he’s going to eventually call at some point today, and even if I manage to keep it together, he’ll be home Sunday and I have no idea how to broach the “so what happened on your bachelor party honey?” conversation. I’d imagine most guys, no matter how cool they play it, absolutely dread the female inquisition, even when they have nothing to hide. It’s just awkward unless they did something non-stripper related or went on a guys only trip (like camping or fishing).
Thoughts, advice, opinions? Please, I’m begging you.