Bachelor Party Drama, Wedding Unsure

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2130 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Preludeangel:  I think you’re going to get some people saying you’re overreacting, and others saying you’re not.

My initial thought: why are you marrying someone you have trust issues with? I’m not saying you should end the relationship, but I think you should have resolved any and all issues (trust, sex, etc.) before you set a date for the wedding. As long as those issues are still there, marriage isn’t going to fix anything. If you didn’t have trust issues, this probably wouldn’t have been that big of a deal, either. At this point, I would postpone the wedding – you both need to work on getting over whatever caused the initial trust issues before you get married.

Post # 3
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

i’ll let other posters chime in about the trust issues and lying – but wtf did he tell his parents for? 24 hours later? why is this personal relationship issue ANY of their business? especially in an email to his dad, who obviously thought he should share it with his mother? and why do his parents feel that it is their place to condescendingly decide for you what your comfort level regarding naked women with your fiance should be?

this shit is worse than the stripper as far as i’m concerned – he completely threw you under the bus to his family who now know this very intimate fight is happening and have thrown their two cents in – wtf was your fi thinking?! that’s no one their freaking business – if you two weren’t even finished discussing your own feelings, when did your fi have time to go rattle off an email about an intimate/embarrassing/stressful private situation to his parents? and WHY? 

also – if you guys have trust and sex issues to this extent (that you are trying to build it back up) etc i would pump the breaks on the wedding. stay engaged if you want, but work through your issues without the wedding getting closer and closer and adding unneeded stress. 

i’d also point out that if your fi knew how big of a deal this was to you, and that part of getting your trust back and being a team meant you feeling supported and heard about the no stripper thing – then he showed you exactly how much your feelings on that issue mean to him. it’s not always easy to stand up to your friends, but people do it alllll the time – or he could at least have texted you what was going on, asked his brother to help handle it, gotten her off the bus early etc. there were options available to him, he chose none of them, and participated to boot. 

 

Post # 5
Member
3368 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 1997

I would tend to agree that this situation is likely due to other issues that were exacerbated by the stripper incident. And while he should not have shared the issue with his parents or made it public, it is likely that other people will view it as strictly a stripper/no stripper issue without knowing about other issues the two of you were working through. So anyone else who hears about it will assume you are overreacting. 

But if the sex and trust issues weren’t fully resolved, I’m not sure I would have gone ahead planning a wedding anyhow. What sort of issues were there in the past (if I’m not out of line by asking – perhaps it’s none of our business, although I do think it is relevant to the issue at hand)? I am also curious about what “he got at least a dance” means. Does that mean there was MORE than a lap dance? Has he cheated in the past? 

Regardless, because this isn’t an arbitrary line many people would draw, it’s hard to comment without knowing more of the story and why there were trust issues to begin with. But it might be worth postponing things until you are SURE about marrying this man. The last thing you want is to start planning your divorce as soon as the wedding is over.

Post # 6
Member
819 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I guess I don’t understand why you’re mad at FI… It was the other guy’s idea and doing, and FI could’ve lied to you about it but he didn’t.

 

My advice? Get over it. 

Post # 7
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Preludeangel:  I would say that first, you guys need to get a handle on your trust issues. Getting married won’t magically fix that. If you haven’t been seeing a couples counselor (both together and individually), i would start.

I would also be sure to address 1) why your FI was ok going along with his friends with the stipper REGARDLESS of your known feelings about it, and 2) (and most concerning to me personally) why he thought it was at all appropriate to bring his parents into the issue, give them intimate (and biased) information, and most of all, do that INSTEAD of talking and hashing things out with YOU, his FI. 

I’m in the camp that you never ever say anything negative or talk about fights outside of the person you are in a relationship with. Just no. If you can’t talk to your partner about your issues first, then they definitely wont be resolved.

Post # 8
Member
8025 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

why are his parents involved in your personal business??

But now that they are,Honestly I think you should listen to his mom. He didnt cheat. He didnt intend it. Of course he put off telling you because he knew you would be livid. I get that you drew a line, but sometimes its better to budge those hard and fast lines to accomodate a happy relationship. Why are you stewing about this? Whats more important, being right or being happy? Decide to forgive him. Decide to get over it. Then do it.

I dont know what sex and trust issues youre referring to of course but I would keep those seperate from this event. And sure as hell dont go into marriage thinking it will magically get better. Can you accept him for who he is RIGHT NOW forever? Because the odds are thats who he will always be. A goody two shoes guy that tells you everything, didnt cheat, didnt want a stripper, but was put in a bad position and went along with it.

Post # 10
Member
1886 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Preludeangel:  sorry you’re feeling so stressed this close to the wedding! Stripper issues aside, I can’t imagine getting married when we have unresolved physical and/or trust issues. Marriage is hard enough as it is… I realize that no relationship is perfect, but those are huge contributors to divorce! And I would be furious that he involved his parents in your personal, private relationship business – running to mommy doesn’t speak to his trustworthiness. Does he always bring your business to his parents?

I don’t think it’s ever too late to go to counseling – can you make an emergency appointment with someone? Perhaps a member of the clergy if you go to church? I think having an impartial listener – who is not biased like parents or friends – would help tremendously.  

Post # 11
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Preludeangel:  A therapist can see you five days a week until your wedding if that is what is needed.

I don’t think, based upon what you’ve presented here, that your guy is a bad seed. I think this is really 99% about your insecurities and 1% your FI’s doing. Projecting blame is not helping either of you. Sorry this has blown up but I think you need to face the situation and your bundled insecurities head on now or face them later.

Post # 11
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Wow…just wow. Ok I know i’m probably going to get blasted here but yup..I think you have totally overreacted. He did nothinggggggg but go to his bachelor party, tell you the truth after the fact and he did not cheat on you.

The issues clearly lie with you and your insecurities and how others perceive YOU. You even said you are afraid of what he thinks of during sex with you? Really? He chose you to be with, for the rest of his life. The only one that is going to tear your relationship apart is YOU and no one else. Guys are attracted to women with confidence. Women with low self esteem, will constantly berate them or question every move they have (not tell you when it first happened, questioning what he did, others that were with him, what he thinks while having sex with you, etc) will only DRIVE HIM AWAY from you.  

If there were trust issues before, it will only get worse if you keep acting like this. He has done nothing with this incident to betray that trust. Yes, someone got a stripper, it was paid for. NO guy is going to turn that down or send them home. Get real. GUYS love visual, so yeah watching her do her thing, is not something they turn down, especially if they aren’t getting stuff like that at home. Full well knowing you were going to react harshly to all of this is the EXACT reason why he didn’t tell you right away. Why ruin his fun at the moment? It is you and your reactions that is ruining your relationship. Even moreso if you want to start alienating his family and friends for “being there and going alone with it”.

Wow…you are so far gone.  Seriously, you need to get counseling now. Start with just you and then for the both of you. Put the wedding off. Much easier to do now than have a divorce soon after. Sorry but to me you are sounding like crazy, lunatic, insecure, wanting to control everything, bridezilla. Get help. I’ve seen wayyyyy too many relationships in my days with women like you that just send the men in thier lives either leaving them or having affairs. If you don’t have that trust in him and start working on yourself, you can bet this is going to happen to you. 

Post # 13
Member
3368 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 1997

Except he is a grown man and he likely didn’t do anything he didn’t want to do. That may be where your trust and anger issues about this are coming from. No one held him down and forced him to get a lap dance. 

My DH told his friends he didn’t want strippers, too, and his friends had the party van/bus take them to a strip joint. After about an hour, my DH and a couple of the guys slipped out to a bar down the street where they could play pool and shoot darts. The other guys hadn’t even realized they left until it was too late. DH and the guys who left took cabs home because the party bus was gone by the time they came back out and the guys at the strip joint didn’t know where they had gone. So my DH didn’t make a huge deal out of it and didn’t make a scene. He watched a few strippers and then did what he WANTED to do. 

It wouldn’t have bothered me either way, but I still firmly believe that men are adults and will do what they want to do. I don’t think strippers are a cardinal sin, but I also understand that some women do. He is marrying YOU, though, and not someone with a different body. Your insecurities might put unnecessary strain on the relationship if you constantly compare yourself to others. Even when there aren’t strippers around, there will always be scantily clad young women on city streets in the summer and bikinis on the beach. If those situations make you upset, then your DH can’t help you with that. He already thinks you are beautiful and wants to marry you; what else can he do?

Post # 15
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Preludeangel:  You keep saying that your fiance is a “goody two shoes” and “honest to a fault,” yet you also say that you are “working through trust issues.” Can you elaborate on what the “trust issues” are if they aren’t related to him being dishonest or unfaithful?

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