- 3 years ago
- Wedding: May 2014
Hi Ladies –
I know that there are a lot of posts on here about bachelor party drama, but I would love a fresh take on my situation. I’ve calmed down a bunch since this all has unfolded over the past 24 hours, but I still don’t know what to do.
Weeks before my FI’s bachelor party, we had several discussions about what we felt were acceptable and unacceptable activiites for our respective parties. One thing I was adament on was NO strippers. None. We have issues that we are trying to work through, both phsycial and trust based, and I didn’t feel that throwing a stripper in the mix was worth the potential damage it could do. He agreed and swore up and down there wouldn’t be any. The night of his party, we texted back and forth and everything seemed to be going relatively smoothly. They were taking a party bus to Atlantic City, which would take them on the town from 7 pm – 7 am, with stops at a few casinos of their choice. He messaged me to tell me the bus was late, they hit traffic, everyone was having a good time, etc. He didn’t need to text me, but he always likes to keep contact so I didn’t think anything of it and wouldn’t have though anything of it had he stopped answering me for about 8 of those hours. Either way, no big deal. I wasn’t worried. His best man (his brother) knew he DID NOT want strippers and I had assumed he had abided by that because in general my fiancee is honest to a fault and I would have imagined he would have said something.
He rolled back to our apt around 9 am – he had texted me when they were on their way home from the casinos and again when he was leaving their drop off point. I let him sleep in as long as I could (we had my parents coming for dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon), and when I woke up I asked him a how everything had went. I tried chatting with him when he first got home, but he was acting a little weird (not his normal too drunk/too tired vibe), and did something weird like wore his underwear to bed (which he’s almost a chronic nudist, so I teased him because it was so out of character). When I woke him up to start moving around, I teased him and asked if there was anything I needed to know about. He said no. I said well good, because some of my guy friends were there too and if anything had happened i would hear about it for sure. So no strippers? His response “not that I had planned on”. Oh really? It turns out one of the guys (who I despise at it is, and is not one of his groomsmen) ordered one for the trip. The entire trip.
My FI knew how I felt about this, as it was the ONLY thing I told him would make me reconsider everything because of some of the other issues we’re working through (sex and trust). I asked if they had given him a lap dance or if they just watched, and it turns out he got at least a dance. I had to walk away at that point because I was so furious.
I’m still furious. My FI, who is usually almost a goody-two shoes who is always honest to a fault and tells me everything waited nearly 24 hours to tell me this. He could have mentioned something in one of his texts, I would have handled it better. I wouldn’t have been caught blindsided and would be second guessing every odd-ball thing he’s done since (dropping off the radar for 8 hours, coming to bed in his boxers, etc). I don’t know who I’m more mad at – his friend that I hate (though I’d probably find a reason to be mad at him regardless), my FI’s brother for not supporting him in the moment and telling the woman to go home, or him for not saying not to a dance or having the backbone to support our conversation. I feel like a huge dent has been made in my trust for him (trust is one of our issues we’ve been trying to work on). In this moment, this is not the man I want to marry, and if we do go t hrough with it, I don’t want ANY of these men who were involved to be there. Especially the instigator and his brother as best man. How can I happily stand with multiple people who don’t give a you know what about our relationship?
We ended up arguing until midnight (except for putting on a good face in front of my parents so we could keep this between us and private), and we’ve started up again. The reason we’ve started up again is because he wrote an email to his father telling him what happened, without any of the details as far as WHY it’s such a huge deal, and I received an insanely long message from his mother on facebook today because she thought I should know her feelings. She told me he didn’t cheat, that I’m overreacting, that marriage is based on trust, good times and bad, that maybe I should talk to my father about it since he’s probably been to a few bachelor parties in his time… I can’t even put into this post everything she said to me. I was livid.
I’m now left feeling so angry, hurt, and betrayed by my FI. He know my line. He crossed it. He didn’t tell me right away. And “I was going to tell you” is always an easy thing to say when someone gets caught. I have to go do my final dress fitting in an hour and I can’t even imagine putting that on right now because all it’s going to do is bring up all of my emotions. I just can’t wrap my head around everything.
Sorry for the long post – I guess I’m venting and getting all of my thoughts and emotions in line. I dont’ know what I want right now other than to bury my head in the sand and run away from everything – but I know that won’t fix things one way or another. We’ve talked about counseling in the past, but I don’t know that 2 weeks before the wedding would do any good to not put a total damper on the entire day. Sigh. If we do go through with it, I wish we could just do a service w/ the 2 of us and not in front of all of these people that now now what happened. I just don’t know 🙁