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I don't understand - what is she upset about ?? That you guys will be away for a weekend?
I agree, she should trust her fiance - it sounds like you guys are throwing him a pretty cool bachelor party and she should be happy for him!
Maybe just grab a few minutes with her - ask her what she is upset about - let her vent and then tell her what you wrote above - that her fiance is crazy about her and his kid, he would never break her trust, and that all you want is to give him a kick ass weekend with his friends.
Maybe you could have a conversation directly with the bride to be? If you are the groom's best man, you are probably pretty close to him, so you technically have a bit of a voice of authority when it comes to the groom.
Maybe you could talk to the bride and just say "Hey, I know that you might be concerned about a bachelor party, but I just want you to know how I see things. Technically this isn't a bachelor party-- because GROOM is so happy to be marrying you, so he doesn't really need to celebrate his bachelorhood. Instead, we just want a boys weekend with fishing and canoeing. Now that most of our friends are married, we "boys" don't really hang out together like we used to, so we thought this would be a great opportunity. I can promise you there are no strippers- we love you all too much to do that and so does GROOM. It will just be a relaxed boys weekend. And I can assure that GROOM will be talking about you and the wedding and his relationship. Its so great to see how much he loves you and how excited he is to marry you."
I think that this isn't really a situation about trust. Sometimes, girls' minds get the best of them... they think that ALL GUYS want strippers grinding all over them... and a little innocent "boys" weekend could just be a coverup. If you guys aren't doing anything wrong, then take the time to reassure the bride and show her how much her groom loves her and how much YOU GUYS love her too, just for being in his life.
Also, I've been with my FI for ages (just like most of the wives in your situation, probably) so i am very comfortable with lots of different situations, because we've been through a lot together over the years. But my guess is that this relationship is a little bit more new than all of the marriages in your circle of friends. So just remind yourself that perhaps this is the first time that she is dealing with a situation like this (hubby to be leaving town with the boys), whereas the other wives are probably more used to it.
I personally think that the best thing you can do is to try to make the bride a little bit happier about the situation-- because if she is ok with the situation, then the groom will have a lot more fun, and in turn, you will all have a lot more fun.
Could all of the wives get together and do something fun while the boys are out of town (and I don't mean just going to the movies or dinner... is there something REALLY fun that she could look forward to)?
I guess I'm a little confused about the situation, does she not want her Fiance to have a bachelor party at all? I'm also confused about the "trust" part, what part of the party does she not trust? Does she think you guys are just saying your going camping but thinks your lying? Just need a little clarification before I can weigh in :)
It might help if the other wives had the opportunity to talk to her as well. I wonder if she trusts the future hubby, but not the guys as much? That can be my only thought as far rational for her getting upset by the bachelor party.
The wives of the other guys involved will be able to attest to the future groom's love for his fiancee, offer a female perspective, and assuage the bride-to-be's fears about the character of the guys involved, (and that they're actually going to do what they say they're planning on!) I imagine those are some of the deeper issues with her not wanting you guys to have the bachelor party
Hope it works out!
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I think that the trust issue comes from her ex's abuse. She can be a little fragile at times. She did hear some stories of one of the others bachelor party. I think that got her imagination into overdrive.
I guess that she thought that the bachelor and bachelorette party's would be held together(my wife told me this last night). When the groom and I discussed it, he did not mention that. he just said that she was dead set against strippers.
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She does not want a bachelor party at all. SHe does not think that he needs to go get drunk with the boys, just because they are getting married.
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I hope she can understand that everyone deserves time to be with their friends, getting married or not!
Let us know how it goes.
I can understand she has some issues because of her past relationship. However, I'm still a little confused. She doesn't want him to have a bachelor party at al. But then hoped it was the same wekend as the bachelorette party??? And why does she not want him to have even an innocent party, while she seems to be fine with her having a bachelorette party?
Has the groom tried to explain this? Or is she more concerned about what the rest of you would be doing? If she doesn't want him to be going away at all, how does this seem healthy? I think there are some real trust or control issues. (As in the longer he's away from me, the more opportunity to get into trouble. A couple of hours, fine but a whole weekend.... I can't keep tabs on him then.) I'm not sure if you feel comfortable saying this to the groom, but I'd actually recommend they go to counseling. Has she been to counseling before?? If not, it's necessary. She's been abused.
As for what's more in your control, I would say you should reassure her, that you and the other groomsmen are on her side. You understand she's been hurt before, and that none of you will let her go through that again. Even if some of the other guys had the stripper bach party, things are different now. They have kids..and different attitudes, perspective etc. (I hope some of this is true.) And that most of all they respect their friend's wishes. While you can't promise her there won't be drinking, there will be not be the opportunity to lose good judgment t osomething that would jeopardize their relationship. (Hence drinking and fishing, nit drinking and strippers. The worst he'll get is a hook in the finger.) Good luck.
This is a complicated situation for sure, so it appears that she's clingy and doesn't want him to have fun/ get drunk without her being there to keep an eye on him. Women like that are typically stubborn and very emotional about those things.....I would take the advice of other Bees and have your wives talk to her, because a female perspective would help....don't know if that woud really change her mind though. Perhaps if you guys made it one night of camping vs. a weekend she might be more comfortable with that.
One suggestion I have, and it is definitely not ideal, but would you be open to having a joint party, have everyone go out camping together? And while your camping you and the guys could go fishing or hiking by yourselves and leave the gals at the campsite. That way eveyone is happy and you guys get a few hours to goof off by yourselves. Good Luck to ya, sounds like a very emotional and complicated situation.
No doubt. I talked to the groom about the abuse before they moved in together. About 8 mos ago. I laid it all out for him, the abuse, clingyness, etc. I don't think that he was very happy with some of the things that I said. But love is not always a situation for logic. Some things people have to figure out on their own. I've said my peace and feel that I did my part to let him know what he was getting into. Man, do I really appreciate my wife.
No couples party. How lame is that? We can have a bbq and do that anytime, not very special IMO.
yeah, do a boys weekend if you can! he should be able to spend a weekend away from her, with his friends. bringing the ladies would totally change the vibe.
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I honestly have no idea why she is upset..if her past hurts are still being LIVED IN THE PRESENT TENSE, then she may need to visit a counselor to discuss this so nothing from the past gets in the way of her having the happiest future with her hubby as possible!
Does she go shopping with her friends? Does she go to movies or dinners out with her friends? Has she ever had a girls' weekend away? I am wondering if you could speak to her in those terms so she can understand better.
Maybe refer her to Weddingbee and we can help! We'd love to meet a new friend.
SHe really doesn't have laot of "her own" friends. She doesn't do many just girl things either. My wife and another groomsmans wife are going to work on easing her fears about the weekend. Not really a bachelor party, a guys only canoe trip.
Has anyone asked her why she is so upset? It may be easier to ease her concern if you know why she is having trouble with this. I honestly can't think of a reason why it would upset her. Getting to the root of the problem is the best bet to help her out. This may be a conversation for the groom to have with her.
I talked to the groom over lunch today. He is going to sit her down tonight. He said that even though we gauranteed no strippers she just won't shake that thought. He thought that this type non traditional party would go over well. Boy was he wrong. He said that she is also ver hard headed and if we tried to talk to her she'd jsut get more upset that everyone was bringing it up. I asked him about other things that he had to give up to save the "drama". H used to go on a fishing trip with his cousins every summer. Last year he bailed on it to save the seperation drama. I said that if he caves on this to start his mairrage, what type of precedent does that set for the entire mairage. THey definately have some issues to work out. Hopefully they get them resolved bofore the wedding, or they will keep popping up whenever he wants to do something that does not include her.
Gosh, Frustrated, I'm sorry. What bride wouldn't be thankful for friends who are considerate and plan a fun but nonsleazy bach party? It sounds like you're concerned about his upcoming marriage. You've said your peace to him. Let it be. It's up to him now. I'm sorry if he ends up bailing on your weekend... Honestly, I think you should do the weekend without him, if that's the case. Have pre-wedding fun anyway. Hey, weddings are stressful on the bridal party too. Maybe he'll realize this is a bigger problem than just a bach party. If she doesn't have control, trust issues, maybe it's fear of abandonment??
Anyway, you're right, I don't think you should change your plans for her. A wholesome weekend isn't too much to ask. It sounds like fun. Caving in, would just enable her. Good luck to the wives in trying to get her to come around, maybe plan something for her during that time.
I'm really not trying to be unsympathetic towards the bride. She has issues to deal with. But I think everyone should maintain what's reasonable and rational. It does her no good to feed into her irrationalities.
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Thanks. We are going ahead with the plans, and booking the cabins. The wives are doing a good job of suggesting some stuff for her bachelorette. Overnight wine tour, cooking class.
I think you've taken all the right steps to work towards a solution to this problem. She will feel a lot better about it after it happens, and if she is going to marry this man she needs to trust that he will "behave" when out with friends. I would make sure the wives have a lot of stuff planned to keep her busy and mind off of the trip while he is away. A good girls weekend while the guys are away. You might also want to have one of the wives remind her that the trust goes both ways; he also has to trust her while he is gone!
Good luck, and thanks for posting!
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I'm the best man want to plan a bachelor party for my buddy. We are the outdoors type and enjoy camping, hunting and fishing. Most of the groomsmen are married and have children so we do not have the opurtunity to get together as often and we used to.
One other groomsman and I thought that a canoe/camping/fishing trip would be a great bachelor party. No stippers/strip clubs. Just good ol boys drinking beer an hanging out.
The bride-to-be has a real problem with it. I understand that she didn't want the tradtional party, that's why we tried to do something more wholesome. She was in tears about it to my wife last night. She is divorced with a 6 yr old son. her first husband abused her. My buddy loves her and her son dearly. She said that she "can't get hurt again." WTF?
How so we convince her that it is okay. None of the other wives have a problem. He is marrying her, shouldn't she be able to trust him? What to do?
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