Post # 1
Ok everyone gets upset about the stupid BACHELOR PARTY. Why doees it have to be this way, this is how i think of it. It willbe the last time you will see a naked girl or remotly get touched or whatever happens witht eh strip joint. I guess depending where you live and how much you have?? Did you hear what goes on in the strip joints. Literally, nasty ass crotch in your man face. Sick!!! well get this i get my announcement to his fmaily and his dad has nothing to say about the wedding, all he says is i dont want you to have you wedding like that i want it traditional. Then he says but boy we are going to have a great bachelor party. What does that mean>>?? i have talked to my guys about not going to strip joints, i am catholic and do not agree for this act at all. I said its like you go watched and get all grinded on by some hot naked girl with fake boobs, you get hot and bothered and you enjoy it. Well what if i go to a old ex bf thats hot and probably wopuldnt mind to grind on me and shake his junk. same damn thing, you feel comfortable with her i will feel comfortable with him. I dont want his friends or relatives to point him in that direction. What steps i should take before this happens!! Even his best friend had a wedding last yea he was the best man. I said not strippers or its over. i mean it. He didnt he brought the guys up to the cabin. He was joiking this one day and says hun i think i have somethign to say to you. I said yea sure, he says we brought strippers to the cabin. I freaked out and it was like dont touch me and i want nothing to do wiht you. Then he said omg i was so joking, i just wanted to erk you. Iwas soooo pissed and still ask him if he had. the groom gets extra treatment from teh strippers if paid well and the best man gets the same treament. I dont want that garbage in my life. Eve my gf are begging me to see naked men. i dont want too at all.
Post # 3
whoa – my first piece of advice is to calm down and breathe. the bachelor party is a stupid tradition IMO but it is one nonetheless. this is going to sound weird, but i have found that the more you nag about something with your guy, the more likely it is to happen. can you be zen about all of this and say something like "honey, i would prefer you don’t have strippers, but it is your party – do what you think is best." i have found that men are less likely to do wrong when you are reasonable about things – it seems at least, that it is much easier for guys to say "f her" if they are pissed at you, or think you are being a nag, than if you are calm and reasonable. i will say that a lot of grooms are choosing not to have stripper type of bachelor parties now – just guys day out sort of things. my Fiance is going to a baseball game with his groomsmen, and my sister’s had a day of golf with his. maybe instead of forbidding him to have a stripper type of bachelor party, suggest a guys day out…he just may surprise you.
Post # 4
I agree with djmaddiebluedog: the more you nag the more they want to do it. I think bachelor parties with strippers are pretty nasty, but they’re usually the choice of the people throwing it and not the guy it’s being thrown for. I’ve heard a lot of people say that the bachelor party is for the best man, not for the groom, hehe. My Fiance is having his ‘bachelor weekend’ while i’m in Vegas with my girls for my bachelorette. He’s planning on keeping it low key…fishing/baseball/white water rafting, but he can’t help it if his buddies take him to a strip club. The only thing I have asked him is "please, no strippers in our house! I don’t want to have to come home and Clorox everything in case there’s gonosyphiliherpelis everywhere!".
I wouldn’t be marrying my Fiance if I thought he was more into strippers than into me, and I certainly wouldn’t be marrying him if I thought that being in a room with stripper meant he was going to cheat. So my best advice is to breathe deep and have a serious look at what it is about this whole thing that is upsetting you so much. Because if at the root it’s that you don’t trust him, then you guys might have some serious talking to do. Good luck! 🙂
Post # 5
VDB — Have you ever actually BEEN to a strip club? I agree with the previous posts that the more you over react the more likely they will try to push you over your limit. Do you think his dad said that simply to get a rise out of you?
londonladybug — gonosyphiliherpelis … lol, that is hysterical!
Post # 6
I agree and i think it always stems from like you say, its the last girl they see naked. Yea i feel i over react but i guess i will have to promise to myself not to get all crazy in the brain over this stripper thing. I know it may not be that bad, but gross i dont want my guy coming back being tanted. YUK. no offence to the girls that are strippers, thats how they make their money. I bet the guys that are all around the srtippers are pretty much pushed around and told what to do. Councelling is problably going to help us, then i havea professional to tell me to keep it down to a minimal of attacking my loved one. And getting my guy to communicate to me. Thanks girls, i needed the advice. It helps even though sometimes i feel overbaring about silly issues.
Post # 7
I don’t want my fiance to have strippers either, and I trust him that he won’t. I know his best man and I think he’ll stay away from strippers as well. The whole "last name woman" think is just a lousy gimmick excuse. If you’re dating the guy, then he hasn’t seen any naked woman all up in his face since then (unless he’s a cheater), and for some guys that’s been a long time (5 years for my Fiance and I)! But, if, in the end, he does end up having strippers, I’ll marry him and love him anyway. I’ll be way ticked, but I love him enough to get past it, and it is "tradition." If he’s groping them or goes beyond just watching though… then that’s a whole ‘nother ballgame! Good luck with you and your fiance
Post # 8
This is what T and I do..we communicate. We have boundaries.
We’re both starting now "His Needs/Her Needs" a book/program by Dr. Harley. Awesome. What is paramount between your Fiance and you is one major thing…COMMUNICATION. And I mean talking without making (love busters) outbursts, or anger, just relating and communicating.
One thing we both do is that we don’t do anything that we aren’t in agreement on. We have some pre-set boundaries on these things.
T has gone in past to many bachelor parties and I know he may have one too. For me it’s not gonna bother me because I know he’s not going to do a lap dance (that’s one boundary we have in that area) and it’s just about a night out with the guys. Same with me. I might go see a Chippendale’s or something but most likely not..it’s more fun for my friends and I going dancing (latin dancing) or to a great restaurant and have a fabulous martini and get dressed up.
Cheating could happen ANYWHERE. Odds are if you researched it, it would happen first somewhere familiar. So I’m not worried about some stripper anywhere. I know T loves me and I love him. We don’t go for eleventh hour cheezy strippers and would never throw away our committment for something as surface as that..or for anything at all!
How about just starting with communication with Fiance. Set down TOGETHER some healthy boundaries and take it from there.
I am a huge believer in communication and working together. One of my married gf’s recently found this book and they’re doing it too. She said she was amazed at how she and her H could have avoided so many arguements had they learned HOW to disagree and how to work together even when solving a heated or emotional issue..just like this one!
Post # 9
A good way to make sure it doesn’t happen is to break off your engagement to him.
Post # 10
Um, that was pretty harsh, elizzard. Maybe you’re not quite ready to be back at Weddingbee yet? Is everything all right?
VDB — As much as what elizzard said was pretty harsh, there is a grain of truth to it. I wouldn’t break off the engagement, but from the sound of your posts (I have gone around and read the ones that you’ve made so far) it sounds like you and your Fiance have some pretty serious issues in regards to trust. I’m glad to see that your wedding isn’t imminent, but I would maybe "un-set" the date and just take some time to grow in your relationship more. Engagement and wedding planning is such a stressful time anyway, and doing a relationship overhaul while trying to pick out flowers seems to me to be too much to handle. It does sound like you two really do love eachother, so don’t give up on your relationship, but work on making it one where you love with your heads as well as your hearts. Having that cool, non-emotional "head-love" is what will help you avoid or quickly end fights, because you are able to contrast what you are currently feeling (which could be off the wall!) with what you know to be true. Example: You feel like your fiance has got to be cheating on you because of XYZ… however, you KNOW that he wouldn’t. Therefore, you are able to just hang on to what you know, and calm down. Obviously don’t mistrust genuine warning signs, and also realize that this technique requires that you know and trust your fiance pretty well.
I saw you say that you’re going to do couples counseling — that is great! Counseling completely saved our relationship from my over-emotional accusations toward him… he was about to break up with me because he was tired of hearing that he didn’t love me enough because he wasn’t romantic enough, but then we started counseling and I was able to realize that he just showed his love for me in different ways than writing love letters or being "movie-style" romantic. Like this morning, when I was too queasy from morning sickness to get out of bed, he untucked himself (he works nights and had just gotten comfy!) to get me a yogurt. So sweet, but not your typical romantic.
Best of luck to you!
Post # 11
Bellenga, i just want to say you have said some great advice. I am just looking up that dr Harley know. Because thats the only thing where i think we need some help in. Other then the obvious working out or eating more healthy. I think if i eat healthy and excercies i can think clearly in my thoughts and action i make when making decisions. I love him so much that he treats me like his angle. I will do anything to work this out, even its me that needs the communication skill. But if we mboth gain this skill then we could have a better future and also teach our kids on how to behave. When we have them. Cant wait for little VDB’s. aww. Thanks for the tips.
Hello December, Yea i when i think about leaving my guy i always think yea right this guy is perfect for me. hes tall and blue eyed and very handsome, deep voice i think this is the guy for me. When i first met him i was working and he just started i guess his brother worked on the shop floor. So i would hear him in the next room talking and i dont know why but i thought his name was Tim. So i would hear this tim guy talking and i would get completly distracted by his voice. to the point i would hear him coming up the stairs and i would start to fix my self. OH NO HES COMING aahhhh. Like a school girl, then he would walk by my desk and one day he just stood there and stared into my eyes. It was like i looked right through him and i saw my future and the love soooo deep into his eyes. I knew at that moment hes the one. by the way after calling him tim he was like umm my name is wayne. Oh dear where the heck did i get that from. geess. I think if hes willing to go to councelling then there must be something good here. I just know if i come out my dependent issue then i might havea chance to have a healthy begining. Big hugs
Post # 12
I really do agree with the other bees & your addres to December. We’ve conversed back & forth on the boards VDB and it really seems like you have some issues to work out with your Fiance. I’m glad you are considering counseling. Even if he doesn’t agree– it wouldn’t hurt for you to go, just to get your issues off your chest. Unfortunately, the hive is not qualified to offer you the help needed.
Now for the harsh questions— I really do not want to offend you— Is he really the guy for you? The only thing that you mentioned as to why he is perfect for you were physical qualities. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but if I were in your situation- I wouldn’t consider getting married. Until you can trust him 100% and tame down your jealousy (and his too from what you’ve told me!)… I fear for your relationship!!
Jealousy destroys relationships faster than money problems, family problems, etc. You and your Fiance need to make your relationship a safe haven from all those "outside" influences… Not a place full of distrust & upset.
Post # 13
I guess i have a full year to decide if hes the right guy for me. Yea his qualitys are great, but there are something that his qualitys i dont like. That i never thought i would like in a guy. He truley cares for me, as well i care for him. I know i am only 27 and i still have somethings to think about. But hes a goof, hes clumsy and acts like a show off at times. Hes my perfect match. I feel so close to him that in the beginning of the relationship i would mistakingly call him mom. Yea mom. He would be like did you just call me mom. I would say yes and laugh so hard but he acts just like my parents and both of them just love him. Like my dad just called him son tonight and he called my dad pops. My mom calls him her son as well. As for his fmaily they love me as well. I have messed up times when it comes to arugments and jealousy but its my problem since the boyfrined cheating spree. For years while dating since i was 16 i had fallin for all the pretty boys that every single one cheated on me. As he had his first real love cheat on him with his cusin then married his cusin. So he knows its not worth hurting someones heart with cheating. My neverending fear is going to have to get over my obsticle. Cause if i mess this up with the contance accusing then i got myself into the wrong thing. I will fix this with the councelling and communication. Maybe distract my attention to my needs then worry wart about him. Argg. so much going on.