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Well hello bees, let me say I am not a first time poster, in fact just signed up with a new name. I seriously dont know what to do and I need help, advice, a case a champagne, a sedative...
Why do our fiancees insist on going to bachelor parties when they know we are going to be upset. WELL I found out the date of his party at literally 1am the day before--yes he claims he didnt want to go and that he got sucked into it but all of that aside (not buying any of it) Please tell me how I cope with this.
Mr FI just got back from Las Vegas, sorry to admit it but I didnt want to kiss him, I was creeped out and I said so. I said, I dont want to kiss you, I dont know where your mouth has been. His answer to me was, hey it was my bachelor party, I had a few lap dances. DANCES? With an S? As in PLURAL? He said yeah, you know everyone buys you one, it was my bachelor party. I said really, as many as all that, you cant even remember? He said well, yeah, I could probably figure it out--so of course in my mind he is running through his mind remembering (a blonde, a redhead) I thought he was going to say 3. His final answer was 10-12.
I am going to be honest, I did say I was not comfortable with this idea of men wanting to do this, especially when he claims (and I know he did say) he didnt want the traditional Vegas party, but his best man planned it anyway. So seriously I DONT WANT TO MARRY HIM NOW, I am disgusted, is this what I want to make a family with? I just think that once you decide to get married if this is something you just gotta have then you are not ready for a monogamous relationship? I dont know what to say. I dont want to get married and most of all I dont want to stand in my white dress in front of his groomsmen and brother and friends knowing what they saw him do. I feel like a fool, I think I would feel like a fool in my wedding dress. HELP PLEASE! Honest answers appreciated!
I think you're overreacting. They were just lap dances, it's not as if he slept with all these women. However if he did, THEN he's definitely dump worthy! The recepients of a lap dance aren't even allowed to touch the dancers, it's the dancers that sometimes do get close to the recepient, but by far it is not to the point that you are making things out to be.
I'm sorry you're hurting right now. You have the right to be a little upset, I would be too. 10-12 lap dances IS a lot of lap dances! BUT is it worth calling off your wedding? Probably not. Why did you want to marry him in the first place? Does his bachelor party totally negate that? If he's sorry, and if as MsVanessa commented above, he didn't sleep with other women, then you probably should just chock this up to a hurdle you guys will have to compromise on. Maybe he'll never do ti again (probably not bc he didnt want to in the first place) and you'll not harp on it in your married life? Something like that. Guys get carried away at their bachelor parties, but I'm sure your guy didn't do anything beyond the lap dances!
Guys don't think things through.... I am sure he had no intention of hurting your feelings, he just got caught up being with the guys. I 100% agree with what the other girls said. You are allowed to be angry, but I really hope that you can get passed it. My jaw dropped as I read your post....You're really ready to call off your wedding b/c of this? That seems really extreme to me, and I think you should take a step back and clear your head before making any major decisions. You shouldn't feel like a fool at all...and that's not the point of a bachelor party. Remember -- He asked YOU to be his wife, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with YOU. Just tell him how mad you are and let him make it up to you 
I know just how you feel. I am a firm believer that once you choose to be solely committed to ONE person, they are the LAST person you see naked/topless/whatever (aside from porn! LOL), so I completely understand how you'd feel betrayed and disgusted. I really hate the excuse "oh, they're just being guys". No, they are being obnoxious pigs. What is with this need to see other naked girls when you are in a committed relationship?
Anyway, I DO think that this is something you can work past. The more time you take to talk it over and get him to see how his actions hurt you, the easier it will be to get past. If he just blows you off and tells you you are over-reacting then THAT would be a harder pill to swallow than the lap dances themselvse. If your relationship is strong and you keep the lines of communication open then I think everything will turn out okay. Don't hold a grudge and constantly bring it up, it will only make it harder on YOU and put strain on the relationship.
Take a deep breath, calmly explain how you feel, and be honest.
Good luck.
I'd be totally grossed out and angry too. I wonder about the friends he went with, though -- bachelor parties tend to involve getting the groom really wasted and then getitng him to do all sorts of things he wouldn't do when perfectly sober, you know? If they were just dances and he doesn't make a habit out of it, I'd let it go. There have got to be all sorts of other great qualities about him that prompted you to say "yes" in the first place, right?
also, along the lines of above, I doubt he ordered 10-12 lap dances for himself. His friends probably ordered some, strangers probably ordered some -- he was probably (drunkenly) surprised by several.
Not to sound harsh, but from the one side of the story that I am getting...I would have to say I think you may be overreacting a bit. I am a firm believer in trust and compromise in a relationship. Your FI was honest with you and told you where he was going...he could have very well lied to you about it and that would have been worse. My FI went to Montreal for his bachelor party and I trusted in his judgement to know that he would not do anything "stupid". That said, his friends could be good/bad influences on him, but ultimately if you don't trust the man you are going to marry, I think that says more about the state of your relationship rather than the fact that he had a bachelor party despite your disapproval.
i can understand how this would upset you, especially when he said he was "forced" to go. Obviously, he must've known you'd be somewhat upset. But honestly, it's not worth breaking up for ...perhaps just a long talk. I think the issue here is with trust, not at the fact that he got 10 lap dances. I'm in, no way, implying that you don't trust him but he needs to be straightforward with you.
I rather someone be honest with me, even if it hurts me than for something to hurt me by hiding or denying. So if he's being totally 100% truthful with you, he deserves that chance. But if he's not...then there are issues you have to work out before the wedding.
I'd have to agree with MissBlueBear. It sounds to me you are overreacting a bit.
I know the Best Man is planning the ultimate Vegas party for my fiance and we have been upfront and direct about it. Its what the guys want and frankly they go back to his college days, but hey, Boys will be Boys! Ultimately he is coming home to me and I trust him to use his best judgement, it is his last night of "freedom" after all.
I am sure the same is true for your man, sure he got a couple of lap dances but if it bothers you so much maybe you should talk to him about what exactly happened, open communication is key. I think you will find that his experience over the whole thing was less thrilling then you believe it to be.
The bachelor party is over, but the relationship is not. I think it is important to discuss your feelings with each other and you will likely remember why you love him so much to marry him in the first place.
Best of Luck!
i totally know what you feel. on weddingbee, we're all very different but i'm a lot like you. i don't know if i could "get over" what happened. remember we're all different and some girls have said that "you're overreacting." Thats their opinion and obviously not yours (or mine for that matter). I think its just because some girls are more desensitized to the whole stripper culture and world or think there are "bigger fish to fry". Well, guess what, to some, THIS IS A BIG FISH. He knew from the get go that you would not approve. And he went ahead and did it anyway and was so non-chalant about telling you. if i were in your shoes, i would talk to him and tell him to what extent this is bothering you (you're not ready or comfortable to marry him at the moment). he's going to be shocked, maybe flip out, maybe cry who knows, i suspect it's going to be drama. but tell him you want to get through this with him. i would talk to a counselor together. if money is an issue, scrounge up money, borrow two hundred or whatever it costs for a local marriage therapist per hour and GET THROUGH THIS. good luck and PM me if you want to talk. i totally feel you.
Personally, I also think you are overreacting. If him getting lap dances, which it is obvious he did pay for all by himself, causes you to nolonger want to marry him then you are probably not ready to get married. Marriage and for that matter relationship are about trust, he did not have sex with them and more than likely was not even allowed to touch any of them so why does this affect your relationship? You have to remember why you agreed to marry him and if lap dance, guarenteed a whole lot of them, can negate that call it off because you guys have some serious work to do in your relationship. I hope you can get over this and work through it, it was a party thrown for him. Your love should be able to endure this so make the decision that is best for you AFTER YOU TAKE TIME TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU TRULY WANT. My best suggestion is to not say things you don't mean so good luck!
I think your reaction indicates one of two things:
1) You weren't that sure about marrying this guy in the first place, since this wouldn't be a deal breaker for a lot of people
2) You really don't agree with it being ok with guys getting lap dances, your fiance knew this, and blatantly disregarded your feelings on this. Not everyone will have the same opinion about their guy getting lap dances, you have a right to your opinions.
On #2 - Compromise is so important in a marriage and if your FI just disregarded your feelings entirely by getting >10 lap dances, it is fair to be concerned. He should have considered you on this weekend - maybe the compromise would have been strip clubs and no lap dances. He could have told the guys he wanted to do other things or quietly asked his Best Man to limit the lap dances. If it is #1, you should think about how you really feel about marrying this guy - marriage is a huge, life changing commitment, and if you are not sure, now is the time to figure it out.
I think the main issue here is jealousy. This is one night where you honestly will never know what happened, and you aren't sure if you trust him enough to believe what he says. If you DON'T trust him, you can't marry him. Bachelor parties are more for the friends of the groom than the groom anyway. I would say talk to him about it, and be honest. As for me, I know how you feel. I didn't want my husband going to a strip club. I think that their last "single" night is the night before we started dating. If he felt the need to go out to see naked women, then I don't think we would have gotten married, because I wouldn't think he was ready for that. He didn't want to go to a strip club, and he told his friends that, and so they didn't. Lucky for me, he thinks strippers are gross. I also think its disrespectful for my husband to want to be so shallow to go see this stuff. And I didn't do all that bachelorette stuff like going out to clubs getting drunk and getting guys to do stupid things and all that. I have seen things happen at bachelorette parties that shouldn't as well. To us, it wasn't about our last free night, but about going out with our friends. All this being said, it doesn't mean anything that your FI did go to a strip club. His friends wanted to. His friends most likely paid for the dances. I wouldn't go so far as to say you don't want to marry him. Thats being irrational. If all he did was see girls dancing naked, in the long run its no big deal. You have to decide what the truth is, by talking to him. This is a guy thing. To them, it really doesn't mean anything. Its just a silly, immature right of passage.
I think a few of the above posters have a good point - there are bigger issues here:
1) mutual trust in your relationship, and
2) his blatant disregard for your feelings and opinions (and going to Vegas despite your adamant protests).
In my own marriage, the trust that we share means that I trust his judgement in all things, and even if he were dragged out to a club by friends to do dubious things, I have the utmost confidence that he wouldn't do anything that would compromise our marriage. Of course, for different couples, that line is drawn in different places, so I am not going to say you are "overreacting" because your boundaries are different from mine. The issue here for you is that you and your fiance don't appear to have the same boundaries. Second, if I were to strongly object to something like this, DH would be supportive of my opinion, or, if he disagreed, we would discuss it such that both of us are satisfied with the resolution. Obviously, this doesn't work with all conflicts (sometimes you have to agree to disagree), but in this case, when the issue is about perceived infidelity, you two should have worked it out beforehand instead of after the fact, especially if it mattered this much to you.
Like other posters have said, I think you would benefit immensely from counseling, and in fact I wouldn't get married without it, if I were you. Whether your FI is receptive to this will tell you a lot about the future of your relationship.
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I am so sorry to hear how hurt and betrayed you feel. Whether or not you consider lap dances a big deal, I think the bottom line is that you communicated to him how you felt about the bachelor party and he ignored that when he went out with his friends. That is the bigger issue and something that you have a right to be hurt over. It seems that some of your trust has been broken and as a couple you need to process through that. There will always be things (through your relationship and marriage) that come up and times of anger and hurt, but it's important to know how you work through those times.
I think you need to sit down and talk with him about how you are feeling and try to help him understand your perspective, also try to undersand his. Maybe you can't do it right now because you are so angry, but as soon as you feel like you can have a productive conversation you need to sit down and talk to him. I also would encourage you to seek out counseling. It does not mean that something is wrong with you, him or the relationship. But a counselor can be a third party who can help communicate the different perspectives, sort through issues without you having to be the bad guy and also just set boundaries for communication in ways that you may not be able to given what is happening.
My FI and I are planning to start our own premarital counseling soon and know that there may be tough things that come up, but it can only better our relationship. I'm training as marriage and family therapist and I think that it can be so benefical and important to do premarital counseling as it helps prevent later issues and also gives you someone that you can come back to should you have problems later on.
Let us know how things go...
10-12 lap dances? I'll be honest...your FI messed up. Big time. But it doesn't mean you can't fix it.
My FI and I have discussed the bachelor party. He has told me what goes on at strip clubs and what happens when you get a lap dance. It is no innocent activity. It isn't just looking at naked women...there is more to it.
To me this boils down to respect and trust. He broke your trust and completely disregarded your opinion about his bachelor party. While he was wrong and completely immature, honestly, I don't think it is a deal breaker. You can get passed this. You are having a strong reaction now, but you need to give it some time. If, with a little time, you still can't remedy the thoughts racing through your head - you know that it's more than just these lap dances. As previous posters said, then the issues run deeper and perhaps re-evaluation of the relationship or counseling would be appropriate.
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Have you had an honest discussion with him about how you feel? And by honest, I don't mean angry - "I can't believe you did that, I don't want to marry you"
Was he aware of how you feel about strippers & lap dances & bachelor parties in general BEFORE his party?
If he told you he got 10-12 lap dances, I'm pretty sure you can find some comfort in the fact that he was honest with you! I'd be really worried if my fiance came back from his bachelor party and told me he didn't see any strippers and didn't get any lap dances and for that matter, didn't even have a beer. I'd know he was lying!
Talk to the guy! It's possible that he didn't understand how deep your disapproval of the whole bachelor party idea is in your moral code. I'm not trying to excuse his behavior, but let's face it - guys are REALLY dumb sometimes. They screw up. It's up to you to figure out whether or not he, (and your relationship with him) is worth forgiving him for hurting you.
And really, at the end of the day, that's the real problem - he did something that hurt you. Whether it was a thoughtless comment he made or a drunken lapdance, it all boils down to "He did something that hurt you."
For the record, I don't know how I would feel in your position - my fiance hasn't had a bachelor party, but I'm sure he will - I know his friends, and I know there will be alcohol & strippers will be involved. I really don't care if he watches porn, and to me, looking at a stripper in person isn't much different than watching porn on screen (and the strippers aren't having sex so maybe it's a little less offensive). You better believe I'll tell him he better take a long hot shower & brush his teeth before he even thinks about getting in bed!
Good luck, and try to stay cool-headed when you talk to him about how you feel.
I think what strikes me most here is the lack of open communication about the event *before* the event.
Mr. Doctor and I have talked about our bachelor and bachelorette parties since we got engaged. We hashed and re-hashed what we thought might be appropriate ways to celebrate the end of our single-hood and the beginning of our married life.
Like you, I'm not ok with things like lap dances. It has less to do with my concerns about Mr. Doctor and more to do with the women that I know in the exotic dance industry. I have a friend that manages a club, and so I know pretty well the lives of the women who work there. Therefore, I'm a big fan of not supporting that industry... but I suppose that's a discussion for a different thread.
Based on our discussions of all this, Mr. Doctor is going on a 4 wheeling camping trip with all his buddies, and I'm going on a backcountry ski trip with all my girls.
If you and FI had discussions about party expectations and those discussions were discarded, I would say that is something you need to examine closely.
If you didn't have any discussions about expectations, I would say that you need to carefully look at your communication to see how you can improve that.
And finally, it seems that regardless of the above, you really need to examine your trust issues and determine whether they stem from a gut feeling that there is something untrustworthy here, or a hold over from bad past experiences.
I hope this helps.
I agree with everyone- I think you are having a strong reaction, but I also think that your fiance's friends really pressured your fiance into doing something that is considered a 'right of passage'.Events like this is just about a bunch of males, bonding, & having a last hoorah. It's like an unspoken brotherhood thing: Guys. Just. Do. The. Darndest. Things.
I have a friend who said he didn't 'get his bachelor party' he wanted (meaning he wanted to go to a strip club), so he wanted to take my fiance out for THE bachelor party of the year- and my fiance said no (but because he thinks strip clubs are ridiculous). But I thought it interesting how one guy feels a strip club is THE thing to do- while another guy isn't into it.
This sounds awful of me... but why don't you go to a couples counselor? or a pre-marital group activity? Rebuild some communication. It sounds like you want to be assured that your marriage doesn't start off on the wrong foot. And maybe some guided group conversation might help to put closure on your concerns?While your fiance may not dig this idea- if you feel that strongly about not marrying him because of the event-- then it might be in his best interests to go.
I dont think it's a deal breaker. It's not like he goes to the strip club regularly.This would be a different story if you both are already married and he went out with friends to a strip club. Right?
Hang in there! Try to maintain good communication. There will be times throughout every marriage where a conflict and differing of viewpoints can be resolved through effective communication.
This is completely a personal thing, and it's not really right for anyone to tell you to get over it or to let it go. My husband and I had a long talk when his friends were planning his bachelor party, as there was one friend in particular that we knew would push the alcohol and strippers and even more, although none of the rest of the guys are comfortable with that. My personal feeling is that if you have a reasonably strong moral code, your "friends" are not going to be able to get you to go along with strippers and possibly more - just to be a good sport or something. Although I'm sure that a lot of guys like to use that excuse. I honestly believe that my husband is not into that stuff - so the question is, why would you even put yourself in a position where you're pretty sure that you might have to go along with something you think is wrong or get up and walk out of the room? In the end, he told the guys who were planning the party that he didn't want this particular friend invited, and that if they felt like partaking in some kind of questionable entertainment, they could count him out. I suppose that makes him a "bad sport" in some people's minds, but I did the same thing - told my girlfriends that I was happy to go out drinking and dancing, but no more.
If you're not the kind of person who wants naked women rubbing up against your fiance (or husband) there is nothing wrong with that. The only problem comes if he thinks it's just fine - and trust me, if he thinks it's just fine, you're going to have this problem again. The question is whether he made a stupid mistake because of some kind of peer pressure, or whether he thinks it's just fine - and whether your feeling are important enough to him that he can honestly promise not to do it again, or not.
At any rate, it's an issue that you need to resolve with your fiance. Please don't let anyone tell you that you should definately dump him (because maybe he really didn't understand how repugnant it was to you, and would choose differently in the future). Conversely, don't let anybody tell you that guys are just like that, and it's something you have to put up with, and you should get over it. That's the kind of logic that makes women stay with men who cheat on them, or even abuse them. There are plenty of guys out there who think that strippers are skanky ho's, and don't realy want anything to do with them, and have the character to make the right decisions. And it sounds like that's what you need and deserve in a husband. If this guy can't be that, it's probably good you found out now.
I'm sorry you're going through this... and honestly, i've been there. I felt exactly how you felt. (before my FI) i was grossed out by strip clubs and even the idea of my ex going... but i realized it's because i didn't trust him at all.. i say i did but deep down i didn't. I gave the whole excuse of "i trust him and but i don't trust THEM (the strippers)" excuse, which was a lie... I plainly didn't trust him... With my FI now, i trust him 200% and we make it a point to communicate to each other how we feel and what we are comfortable with and respect each other's opinion. And truthfully, i don't mind if he goes to a strip club because at the end he's coming home to me. And he doesn't mind if i do the whole vegas thing. For me at least, because we trust each other and we have confidence in each other that we will do nothing to jeoprodize our relationship i have no problem of him having the typical bachelor party..
honestly, his bachelor party is not worth you calling off the wedding... I agree w/ Sparkles that you maybe go to a pre-marital counseling.. Communication is key to any intimate relationship... Maybe that's something that you guys have to work on??
I would be disgusted and feel the same way in your position
BUT
your first mistake was even asking. I know this sounds crazy, but my policy is, if I might hear an answer I don't want to hear, I don't ask. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship and you have to trust your FI no matter what! If you find out that it went further than lap dances, then you have reason to run, but guys have this wierd thing where they refuse to look bad in front of their friends. I have a lot of experience with this with my FI as some of his freinds are PIGS, but I know that he would never do anything to betray my trust. I already know that I won't ask any questions after his bachelor party. I don't want to see pictures, I don't want to hear stories, I just trust that he wouldn't do anything inappropriate with a trashy stripper (because you KNOW guys think they are trashy too). Besides, he is marrying me, not a stripper (which I'm sure he could if he wanted to). Take a deep breath, have a weekend with the girls, and re-asses the situation.
Thanks everyone for your input, FOR THE RECORD we have been in couples counseling for about 5 months now, we took off last week because of a work conflict, and anyway this never came up in a session. I did make it clear how I felt and so just going is a huge betrayal to me. That he claims he didnt want to go tells me he should have said no to the first lap dance, let alone the 15th. I will try to take in all of your comments but as of today I AM DISGUSTED and while yes, marriage is about compromise things can become spoiled.
I do not see how I can stand in front of his friends, those who took him there and feel good about getting married, I am shocked that most of you bees think you could. Is that what I am worth? To be essentially ridiculed by his friends and now supposed to put on my coronet and behave for a day? I will only see sickening smiles. I dont know what I am going to do but I am disgusted. We talked for about 10 minutes, obviously I will bring it up in therapy TONIGHT but seriously I feel absolutely betrayed.
I'm so sorry that this happened, my heart goes out to you on what must be a horrible time.
Personally, I believe that the issue that really is important here is that of respect. Or the lack there of. The truth is, lap dances are what they are. We could sit here and argue over whether he should have or shouldn't have or whether you should get upset over it or not. It's subjective.
At the end of the day it comes down to the fact that you felt strongly about something and your FI chose to disregard those feelings. In effect, he placed his own feelings above yours- or maybe it was the feelings of his friends he was more concerned about. For however long the party went on, your relationship was missing from his decision making.
This is an incredibly difficult decision and one that you have to make alone. But for me, I'd say it's a good thing that you learned this about him before you married him. Now you just have to decide if this is the man you want to raise children with, to make a life with. Is he the man that you hoped he was when you slipped your engagement ring on your finger?
i'm sorry, girl. my heart hurts for you.
as someone who feels as strongly about the issue as you, i felt like i should comment. our beliefs system plays a large role in the choices my fiance and i make as a couple. we feel very strongly about living a different lifestyle than most american choose. i absolutely despise the height to which blatant sexuality has risen to in our culture. all of that being said, if my fiance were to do the same as yours i would be livid. he knows that it's not okay, and his friends do as well. it would not be something i could just "get over" because "there are bigger fish to fry." our intimacy is exactly that ours - your body is for your life mate, no one else. it's not okay for him to participate in that because he's a man. and it's not okay because he's not sleeping with them. you're TOTALLY validated in your concerns.
all of that being said - i, personally, wouldn't call off the wedding. my commitment to my man is for better or worse. this is much worse than what i would ever hope for us, but i know with our love, it's nothing we can't handle. i know that i do not want to live my life without my man by my side. he is truly my better half. if you feel like you can lose him and move on and be okay with it, then perhaps there's something deeper than just this. if you love him and you're truly committed to him, i would suggest talking. talk, yell, get both of your feelings out until you feel like you are both understood. this is in the past now, if he is truly sorry then i believe you can work past it. i know you're worried about what the groomsmen will think, so perhaps you can have your fiance talk to them. maybe he can explain to them that it wasn't right and that you were upset by the whole thing. have him make sure that the guys understand that trip was a mistake and that it remains in the past.
i know i've written a novel, but i just want to say one more thing: if you two work past this and you truly love each other, i really don't think you'll be feeling ridiculous on your wedding day. that day is about you. everyone will be staring at you with googly eyes and smiles talking about how beautiful you look. your fiance won't be able to take his eyes off of you, and i can guarantee you he won't be thinking about any of those girls from vegas. i doubt his groomsmen will be making faces either - how disrespectful. obviously his groomsmen have encountered this sorts of things before (strippers, etc.), so this time is probably of no real significance.
just keep your head up. no matter what decision you make, make it with both your heart and head. remember why you loved him in the first place, and think about how you'll fill about this trip in 10 years. 10 years from now do you think you'll regret calling off the wedding?
I was going to weigh in on this but I WAS afraid of writing a novel, I feel really strongly that we put up with too much based on rather un-evolved conditioning. Some new poster [BeachBaby] left an eye opening post.
Once I digest it, I will come back here and post, right now I am AGOG!
I'm really sorry. I didn't realize how this struck a core for you. I wasn't intending that you should play 'the happy face' on your wedding day. I was just hoping that you both would come out stronger in the end. I was trying to think positvely for you.
I don't condone men going to the strip club. I think boys sometimes do thoughtless things. But we live and learn and get strong through our mistakes.
I hope things work out. I hope you do what you feel is right for you.
I do not think you are overreacting. I recently married a guy who has never gone to a strip club, and I doubt ever will--so I really take issue with the earlier blanket statements that a visit to the strip club is what all men really "want". Male bonding does not require lap dances. Nor do I think this issue is about jealousy. It is about respect.
Too many people on this board are making excuses for your FI's terrible behavior toward you. Why should he not be held accountable for his complete lack of concern for you, the woman he is about to marry? Your first mistake certainly was not "even asking". This is a subjective issue, which turns on the fact that your guy, well knowing how YOU feel about strip clubs, chose to disregard your feelings to "fit in" with his friends. Since he isn't in 4th grade anymore, that excuse does not fly with me, and it shouldn't fly with you either.
My suggestion is for you to have a calm and composed "Come to Jesus" talk with your FI about this issue. You seem upset in your post. Do not be upset when you have this conversation. You need to make him understand that his willingness to attend strip clubs and receive lap dances is coming close to a dealbreaker issue for you, and he must change his behavior. He may likely try to skew this argument as you making him choose between you and his friends. If so, you should try to impress upon him that you give him the green light to hang out with his friends AS LONG AS IT IS NOT in venues that you find repugnant and insulting.
It seems likely, given your FI's friends, that he will be faced with future visits to the strip club for other friends' bachelor parties, so I doubt this issue is really in the past. It will come up again, and when it does, he needs to respect your feelings. If he won’t, you should consider whether this behavior is a sign of more disrespect to come.
I do not condone strip clubs either and my fiance since we have been together has not visited one. I trust him completely on this fact.
It seems that you indeed told you fiance how you felt about the matter, but did his groomsmen know? I am not trying to put the blame on someone else but maybe the party planners were unaware of the pain they would cause you. More so maybe your fiance, while he obviously knew he was going to Vegas was oblivious as to the actual events he was going to be a part of. There is more to vegas than strip clubs after all...
While this does not pardon him from the fact that he particpated in going to a club where lap dances were given to him, I think it is important that you realize there are many outside influences that may have misguided him into the situation (from lack of communication btwn him and his friends about the grooms expectations to access alcohol).
The other consideration is was this a single event? If so he likely just made a selfish decision not completely contemplating the consequences of his actions.
Obviously in the end it is your decision but I think an open discussion about the event(s) and about his betrayal of trust will lead you to your ultimate solution.
Best of Luck!
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MissPeppermint, I'm so sorry you're going through this and you feel so awful about what happened at your fiance's bachelor party. For the record, I personally wouldn't wouldn't dump my fiance for getting a lap dance, but I wouldn't be thrilled about it either. I think the idea that this is a "right of passage" and "just something guys do" is complete garbage. It is, in fact, possible to have a stripper-free bachelor party. Most of my guy friends go camping or paintballing or white-water rafting and then get down to some serious drinking. I even have a friend who went to Vegas for his BP but told his pals he didn't want any lap dances, he just wanted to gamble and drink and eat at all-night buffets. Some of the groomsmen did hit a strip club one night, but the groom stayed out of it. They knew the groom was serious about not wanting to go and respected it. So your fiance claiming this was "forced" on him somehow seems really weak to me.
How does your fiance respond to your feelings? Have you told him point-blank that the way he behaved makes you feel humiliated and unhappy about the idea of having a family with him? If he just keeps saying "they made me do it" or "it's not a big deal, it was my bachelor party," that's a red flag for me -- it means he doesn't take your feelings seriously, and you should bring that up in counseling. But if he apologizes and promises never to do it again and wants to earn your trust back, I would say forgive him and let him make it up to you. Everyone screws up, it's how they act afterwards that really makes the difference for me.
Sounds like you needed a reason to back out anyways.....and this was your answer. My personal beliefs on strippers and lap dances do not matter. (Although I don't think it's a big deal, as long as he isn't touching/licking/kissing etc.) What matters is that you are going to end your relationship with him over this....change your mind on marrying him all together.....I think there is something WAY bigger and deeper than this! Please end it! I think You've wanted to for a while!
First of all I am wondering why a couple in the most happy time possibly of their relationship be in couples' counseling for FIVE MONTHS even before this came about?
Isn't there open dialogue in a counseling session and this is just now rearing its ugly head?
The time to address a potentially upsetting situation is BEFORE the possibility of the event happens. Talk about things. BOUNDARIES. Did your counselor discuss boundaries with the both of you?
As for me, I wouldn't worry if my guy went. I wouldn't be thrilled that's for sure, but know in my heart and my mind he isn't the kind of man who is going to be unfaithful. And I endured that hell with my former husband. He was unfaithful to me and I went thru 9 kinds of hell with him before I divorced him four and a half years ago. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. But if you have trust issues NOW, that is substantial. Were there trust issues BEFORE he went to the bachelor party?
Life is a series of choices. He and you will have to make many over the course of your marriage. You can either choose to honor your love for one another or you don't. While I'm not a supporter of the bachelor party strip club fieldtrip, I don't think I'd be terribly pissed off at my guy for going. But the actions ALL ALONG in the relationship give off some warning signs of an inability to remain monogamous for the long haul, I'd discuss this with the therapist tonight and do some hard soul searching.
Had I known now what I didn't know then? I might not have married my former husband. He broke my heart more than you could imagine and I never believed I'd ever love again..but faith is an amazing thing. And my heart mended in time. But I was blessed with a wonderful son and a lifetime of love with my little guy and now with my honey at my side as well! I just have to be 100 percent honest with you because I went thru the pain of infidelity. It's thoughtless and self-serving and something that doesn't "just happen". It's a choice you make like I said. You either honor each other or you don't.
I wish you both the best and hope all is able to be mended and you move on from this with a new and stronger love.
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I can see why this would bother you - but it's definitely not an issue for everyone. I would never be bothered by my DH getting a lap dance, even before we were married. Unless he habitually visited strip clubs and avoided me in favor of other women. For many men, going to strip clubs and/or watching porn is just a way to fantasize and blow off steam. Men are very visually stimulated (much more so than many women).
You also mention that this was his bachelor party, and likely orchestrated by his friends. They probably forced/goaded him into many lap dances and while he COULD have said "no," (and perhaps should have, if he knew how you felt!) he didn't. On the one hand, such things are a customary part of bachelor parties and generally (though I can't speak specifically for your man) don't mean your husband has been unfaithful or sullied. On the other hand, it sounds like you made your feelings clear and he disregarded them -- this is never a good thing.
Good luck to you both.
On a lighter note, any girls here go to a bachelorette party with a stripper or more? (male ones?) I've been to 2 over the years.
I'd like to liken my experiences there with when a guy goes and can say..we didn't touch. We laughed and it was honestly sorta cheezy. The guys were laughing too. The most controversial thing was when the B2b "tipped" him by stuffing it in his g string. She tightly shut her eyes and did it so fast that she was like lightening. Again, we were laughing and it was no big deal. Her fiancee met up with us afterwards and we all had fun. They'd been to a men's club too. And he said he didn't touch. The issue was DROPPED that night. They went on with the wedding and love each other so much still.
Btw..it's been 3 years they're married and they're very happy and very faithful. And are parents too now!
You can work thru this. Just face the issues together with the counselor.
Wishing you both the best.
i completely understand and i dont think you are overreacting at all, and this is why: it's not really about the strip club - it's something that you were uncomfortable with and didn't want him to do, but he did it anyway. i would have felt betrayed and wondered what else he would do against my wishes without thinking of how it would affect me, especially throughout a marriage. a friend of mine experienced this same thing, and I wondered why the heck it was so incredibly important for him to do something that would bother her so much. it was the same story, too - he blamed it on his friends.
that being said, instead of yelling at him for going to stripclubs, tell him WHY it bothers you, and ask him how he would feel if it was the other way around. what if you were adamant about doing something he wasn't comfortable with? how would he feel about it? talk to him and try to make him understand that you were upset because you felt he didnt take your feelings into consideration, and that all you really wanted was a compromise, since that is what marriages are about. and then forgive, forget, and look forward to your future together.I know it's going to be hard at first - It would affect me too!
some girls really dont think stripclubs are a big deal at all, and some girls do. everyone is different!
If you feel this strongly and you told him before he left- I wouldn't marry him.
Personally, my husband would tell me when his bachelor party was and if there would be strippers- and you know what? If he told me, I wouldn't care. It sounds like he tried to put a fast one on you and I would really consider if this upsets you enough not to marry him,
It's up to you
Aw, honey, that's very hard. You're smart to reach out to this community - and to bring it up at your counseling session tonight. I'd love to hear how it turns out.
I won't tell you what I think you should do, because only you can make that decision. But just remember this: don't beat yourself up for feeling angry, hurt, sad, disgusted, etc. This is a very, very common situation. Many brides are uncomfortable about their fiances' bachelor parties, even when strippers aren't involved. Sometimes it can feel like you're the only person in the world to have this sort of pain, but keep in mind that this is just the single lamest part of planning a wedding, and many gals go through the same feelings of mistrust and uncertainty.
However, I would like to respond to the poster who asked why you've been in counseling for 5 months - it's incredibly smart to have premarital counseling. Having a neutral third party teach you how to communicate with one another is invaluable, and has been proven to result in decreased divorce percentages. Good for you for seeing a professional, and for sharing about it.
Just remember that you'll be fine, no matter what happens. You're getting a chance to test out the "for worse" part of your vows already - this is a great opportunity to see how well you can work through the rough spots. Don't worry right now about how you'll feel on your wedding day. Get through this for now, and focus on the happiest day of your life (which it will be!) afterward.
@bellenga: I wouldn't be inferring that something was originally wrong with their relationship just because they go to counseling...there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. In fact, Miss Cheese wrote a lovely post about it: http://www.weddingbee.com/2008/10/21/on-the-couch/
I agree with many other posts in that I'm surprised at the lack of communication. My fiance and I have talked about his bachelor party, and my bachelorette party and HE insisted no strippers. I told him if he is adamant on having one, then I should be allowed a male stripper. He HATED that idea, and therefore we compromised.
To prevent any misunderstandings with his groomsman, my fiancee planned his own bachelor party- karaoke at his favorite pub. I already have all the trust in him in the world, in fact, it would not be unexpected for him to walk out and call me if someone ordered a stripper for him. But that is just OUR relationship. One of the reasons I am marrying this man is because he is a man of convictions, who clearly knows what is right and wrong, and stands upon honesty more than anything. I think it is important to have that faith and trust before marrying a man. I do have to say that I would feel the same in your shoes if the man I was about to marry did that to me. That shows his lack of respect for you and your feelings. In fact, his reluctance to be up front with you shows that he knows he did wrong, and is ashamed.
It is very important for you to talk to him on this. Sit down before the wedding and get this all out into the air. That is going to tell you a lot more than anyone on Weddingbee. As much as we may love you, he has to love you more, and we cant fix this for you. Good luck hun.
I know some churches in fact require it...ours does. And it's perfectly fine. Again, working thru issues and learning how to positively communicate is vital to all relationships we have..and especially important in marriage.
Best wishes to you and I hope that you two were able to talk it out and move past this. You two can do it!
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