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I don't think that most strip clubs have girls that are completely naked. That seems a little strange. The thing that you need to think about is that he told you the truth right away. Maybe his friends were the ones that said 'this place is great we should go there' and he didn't know that they were naked. Also, there may have been a lot of pressure from the guys to get another. You two really need to sit down and talk about this so that it won't become a problem in your relationship.
There are "male reviews" at a few clubs even in smaller towns- they usually have them at gay bars and the like.
The damamge is done, at this point, and while I think you need to explain to him that you're super upset, I think you also need to hear his side of the story. Maybe one of his friends bought him the second lap dance, maybe he didn't know they were driving that far to a club just because they were naked. Hear his side of the story and then decide how mad you want to be. Personally, I would appalled at the suggestion of him going to a strip club, but I'd a self-admitted prude when it comes to stuff like that.
However, he did call you and tell you about it, being totall upfront, and he gets major props for that. A guy that had casually let that slip later would probably raise a red flag, but the fact that he told you right away is pretty good.
I definitely think you need to talk to him. He gets credit for being completely honest with you - that's definitely a good thing!
I don't think you're wrong at all to be upset, but I do think he needs a chance to explain himself. You need to talk with him about this before it becomes a serious issue between you guys.
In my experience, all-nude strip clubs aren't all that uncommon and it depends on local laws, which might explain the two-hour drive. Usually, though, the bouncers at those clubs are more strict about "no touching the girls" rules. Quite honestly, though, the two of you need to talk. Your admission that you okayed a lap dance to not appear controlling seems to imply that you had a problem with it. If you genuinely had a problem, you should have simply told him that before he went to the bachelor party. And technically, in telling him that you were okay with a lap dance if you really weren't, you were lying to him. And he also lied to you, by agreeing to have just one and then having two. He came clean, though, which should mean something. And I suspect that the "one" vs "two" issue is bothering you so much because deep down, you didn't even want him to have one, which is the real issue here.
Every strip club I have been to has fully naked women. That's not uncommon. And male strippers ARE available to women, it's just not as common because it's not as popular (so it doesn't make as much money). Usually there are places that have like a "ladies night" where they have male strippers just come in once a week or month or something.
I would definitely air it out that it made you uncomfortable. I agree with what the others said above; he was up front and honest with you about everything. I think you should definitely reciprocate and just explain how it made you feel upset. Communication is key! Since it was a bachelor party I wouldn't be surprised if the lap dances were bought by friends. It's hard for a lot of guys not to succumb to peer pressure, especially when their friends are dropping lots of money or if they're the type to mercilessly make fun afterwards.
I just went through this and it SUCKS. My fiance had a bachelor party at a strip club (after lunch at Hooters, no less). They drove an hour and a half. The strippers were completely nude and he got THREE lap dances - so he says. It took me a good two weeks to get over it - and well, I am not over it, just not as upset as I was. I think the thing that helped me move past it a little bit was to understand that it really had nothing to do with me or our relationship. It took me trying to put myself in my fiance's shoes, seeing things from his point of view, and giving things the meaning that he gave them (not the meaning I interpreted) to begin to understand that while I saw it as a huge betrayal and an insult, it was simply a rite of passage to him. He explained to me that he'd gone to bachelor parties his whole life and he never got a lap dance because in his mind that was the rite of passage you go through for your bachelor party. He also explained that it is not an option to turn down a lap dance without enduring years of ridicule. You have to understand that it's really not about that naked woman -- I mean yes, they enjoy it, like they enjoy seeing a naked woman on tv -- but beyond that it doesn't have the meaning that we assign to it. And then just every time you start to think about it -- distract yourself. Because as crappy as it is, you can't do anything about it. It happened. It hurt you. Express your emotions to him, but try not to be angry. Let him know how you see it and ask him how he sees it. Then focus on what is really important -- your relationship. Because I promise you - those strippers were nothing but entertainment to him. You are the woman he loves. Hang in there.
@ OP
Ok so you said that you were cool with him having 1 lap dance because you don't want to be controlling but you freak out when he has 2 lap dances? I think you are being exactly what you said you didn't want to be - controlling. Also he drove 2 hours to go to a club that was completely naked...OF COURSE he did, what would be the point of going to the strip club if they weren't?
I guess I fail to see an issue.
I have been there and I totally sympathize. I told my husband that I didn't care if he went to a strip club for his bachelor party. When he came home, he told me that the one they ended up at was really disgusting and that late in the evening the girls were doing stuff to one another that went beyond stripping. I was appalled. When he told me, I thought I was going to throw up. He was devastated that he had upset me so much. We talked about it and it was a rough day or two, but in the end, I realized that he really hadn't done anything to deliberately violate my trust. He ended up at this strip club, which, to be fair, I said I was ok with. The fact that it turned out to be a sex show wasn't his choice and at that point he was sooo far gone that he wasn't gonna do anything about it. He was a drunk guy at his bachelor party. At least he came home and told me right away and was willing to talk about it and understood why I was upset.
So I know it sucks and it feels awful. But it sounds like he is a good guy who ended up in a bad situation and probably thought because you were so cool about it, that it was ok. I woud not be ok with a naked stripper giving my guy a lap dance but I certainly wouldn't think to explain to him prior to going out that a topless stripper is ok but a bottomless one is not. How would he know? He probably didn't see the difference.
Tell him to take a really long, hot, soapy shower. Let him know exactly what makes you uncomfortable should he ever have to make decisions like that in a similar situation, and be happy you have a honest guy.
In situations like that, a don't ask, don't tell policy is probably best. I've told my FH that he can go to a strip club if that is where his friends want to take him. I'd probably draw the line at touching (not that he would want to, he's a shy person) ... but, I also just won't ask for details on the night, it isn't going to bring any good. FH knows what I woudln't approve of, and I trust him to respect that ... its his bachelor, his last night at "freedom" ... some things you're just better off not knowing the nitty gritty details of.
Carbon, firstly im sorry becasue i burst out laughing when i read the "im going to Disney" part... such 2 extremes!!!
as far as having 2 lapdances, maybe someone else bought it for him or maybe as the groom he got a freebie and unless he wanted to physcially push them off maybe there wasnt a way to stop it (afterall, touching the girls may be something he didnt want to do even in the situation of pushing them off him). i also dont see much difference between wearing a skimpy thong or butt naked - a sheer piece of fabric doesnt hide that much so try to relax about it
you sound like a pretty cool person, you had rules and he has been honest with you about what happened so you obviously are open to discuss this with him so he understands how you feel.
try not to stress about it too much until you can talk about it and let him tell you how he felt about the event. i know my hubby said about his b-party (and there were lots of strippers and a live sex act happening) that he felt really sad for girls having to do that sort of thing for a living and he hung out the back talking to the other guys that didnt want to get involved too much.
sending hugs and i have faith that you and your FI can sort this out
I can totally see why you'd feel uncomfortable and even a little irritated. But be honest with yourself...were you TOTALLY comfortable with him receiving even 1 lap dance? I think you probably would have felt some of the same feelings you're feeling now, but would have kept quiet about them since you "told him it was ok". I wouldn't stress, if I were you. Yeah, it's uncomfortable to think about 2 naked women dancing on your husband to be, but it's over now, and he sounds like a pretty decent guy! Plus, try to imagine the position he's in...it's not like he's the one calling the shots, you know! it's all his friends, and they would not let him live it down if he said that you wouldn't let him. You'll win more points with him and the friends if you just fume a little to yourself and let it go. Remember that he's marrying you, his friends are trying to live out some fantasy of a perfect bachelor party, and bottom line, he really really didn't do anything or even violate your trust...he told you about it. Sounds like a keeper to me :)
honey, I think he already knows you're upset - why else would he be calling? Your FI loves you, that's the bottom line.
Yes, of course when a naked woman is pushed into his lap, he WILL have a reaction to it, but that doesn't mean he was into it in the way we women tend to assume, like he'll never look at you without wishing you were her again. It just means he's a guy and, well, she's a naked chick.
A LOT of it was probably pressure from the other guys. Did he plan the party himself? Or did one of his friends? Probably his friend.
I know, I know, that doesn't make it a lot easier :/ but just try really hard to remember that he DOES love you and that none of this was intended to hurt you. Talk to him about it. Tell him why you're upset, why you're hurt, that it was harder than you expected it to be, that you know you're probably not entirely justified, but you're still feeling everything you are. Be really honest with him.
And choose to trust him. I mean, you're marrying this man, you ought to be able to trust him to be faithful to you, under all circumstances.
Hope it goes okay talking to him. :/
All nude strip clubs are something that exist, depending on local laws. For example, in NY, alcohol cannot be served at all-nude clubs -- therefore, they're "juice bars."
There are male strip clubs/shows...I took my sister to one when she was 18 and a friend just went to one for a bachelorette party. Honestly, I find the male shows to be incredibly raunchy (simulated sex and the like) even though the guys don't get completely naked, it's definitely on par with a female strip club.
I think you are overreacting a bit that he had 2 lap dances instead of your permitted one. At least he told you the truth, he could have easily just said he only had one and avoided you being upset. I wouldn't assume that because he had two dances, he "liked it so much he wanted more." Bachelor parties are generally an excuse for grown men to act like drunk fratboys and I'm sure everything was being paid for/encouraged by your FI's friends.
Definitely talk to him, but take some time to calm down and take this with a grain of salt.
How many women come home from their bachelorette parties having to explain to the man they are about to marry why naked men were all over them the night before? Probably very few. This is a sick double standard. Why has our society made it ok for men to basically go out and cheat on the woman they are about to marry? I totally understand why you are upset. I would be too. I don't want naked gross women all over the man I am about to marry and commit the rest of my life to. I wouldn't be ok with it ever, especially not right before we are about to say our vows. It's not classy or respectful at all. If he keeps calling you, he knows you are upset and it probably means he feels guilty as well. He should feel guilty. He betrayed your trust. You trusted him with one lap dance (which from the sound of it you weren't really ok with) and he went against that. I hope you know that it would have been ok to tell him you were not cool with any of that. You don't have to be cool with nasty strippers all over the man you are about to marry.
Aw, that sucks!! I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not something that would bother me, but I can totally relate to the way you didn't want to be "controlling" so you said it was ok. I used to say I didn't want certain things because I didn't want to be "demanding." I think we feel so much pressure not to live up to negative stereotypes of girlfriends!
Try not to feel too bad, guys face a lot of pressure from their friends in these situations, they want to look cool, etc. It's true what everyone says, at least he was honest!
You should totally live it up with your bachelorette party!! :)
i just wanted to say thank you for this post. my fi was planning on going to a nudie strip club and i thought nothing of it, not thinking of the lap dances like a dumby! i'm ok with looking, not touching! that grossed me out to think about, so i asked him tonight if he was going to get lap dances, and of course he said that's part of the tradition, the guys would be buying him some. he could tell i was uncomfortable with that and said he would just not go at all. i'm still not happy with the fact that he would want to do that.. but he is a boy and i'm a girl and i guess i just wont understand. meanwhile i just got back from a bachelorette weekend in vermont where we went on a food tour, picked apples, and the most scandelous thing we did was go to canada without our passports (thought we were going to be stuck there for a while there!).
He's coming home to you.. and I'm sure he didn't get anything else other than the 2 lap dances.
Those g-strings the girls wear don't cover much, so I can't imagine there is much of a difference if they are totally nude.
His friends were the planners of the event - he was just along for the ride. Don't give him such a hard time about it..
There is a double standard about bachelor/bachlorette parties, but you gave him permission to go to a strip club while you are going to Disney... you're just helping it along.
RE: the double standard issue, I think it's not so much a double standard as it is a difference in likes/dislikes. If I wanted to go to a nudie bar for my bachelorette, I totally could. I doubt I could find anyone that wanted to go with me - b/c granted, it'd be nudie chicks, not nudie dudes, and who wants to see a bunch of weird dancing dudes anyway, amirite???
Nevertheless, I think you should probably talk to him about being upset, but I also think after you talk to him about it, you should let it go. Fully, completely, and immediately let it go. It's a bachelor party. Dudes do that kind of thing. I don't think anyone has ever come back from a bachelor party thinking, "I'd rather marry that skanky thing that rubbed herself all over me than the beautiful, classy woman I proposed to." For men, sex and love tend to be more separate than for us ladies. And I have to agree with @redherring - you are most likely angry about the 2 dances because you didn't want him to have the first one in the first place.
I'm not saying you don't have a right to feel the way you do, but I'm saying I think you should work to move past it. :)
To me I dont understand the whole stripper thing. I know some girls are ok with having some woman rub her boobs in their mans face but i am NOT.
I also dont understand why this is their "last night of freedom"....ummmm sorry, your last night of sexual freedom was the night before you met me lol.
I may sound controlling or like I dont "trust" my boyfriend but this type of thing is not ok with me and never will be. I would never go to a male strip club and have some guy grind on me out of the respect that I have for my bf and I would hope the same for him.
I'm sorry you had to go through this but it sounds like you were never fully ok with him going to a strip club in the first place. You should have had a talk about it and you should have been honest about the way it makes you feel before the party. Now you're just gonna have to get over it.
Why is asking your soon-to-be husband not to cheat considered "controlling" in some circles? I've heard this time and time again... That a girl who doesn't want a trashy skank grinding on her fiance's crotch is called controlling, or "not cool". I truly don't understand. Can someone please explain why some people think men have a right to cheat right before they get married, and a girl who has some self-respect is controlling and uncool, or "doesn't trust" him?
ditto on what redherring said -
you should have been honest in the first place if you didnt want him to go to a strip club.
and keep in mind hes marrying you. he loves you. so it really doesnt matter what stupid guy ritual they do.
and trust me, i have been to many a strip clubs - they really arent as bad as you might imagine, and the girls arent as great as you would imagine either.
he fessed up - which he didnt have to do, and since you werent really honest with him either with what you wanted, you cant fault him too much either.
honestly let it go and be estatic you have a man who is honest with you!!!! thats a gift in itself.
Carbon girl, I feel ya my FIs bachelor party weekend is this weekend and he went to upstate NY for it with a bunch of friends... we live in VA. Anyways we have been through this before and it wasnt even HIS party last time, he went to a party then made the fatal mistake of telling me all the nasty stuff that happened. So when it came to his party I said no, no strippers, of course this was unpopular and I also worredi about being that controlling girl but I know the sick feeling I got last time and still do when I think about previous debauchery. So depsite maybe being considered a controlling beotch by his friends... I told him upfront there would be big problems if there were strippers. He told me I had as much say in his bachelor party as he has in my next hair appointment.... so we'll see if he respected my request this weekend when he gets home monday night...
Hey Carbon - I have much the same feelings as you about this (I don't get why it's ok and it makes me all sorts of uncomfortable yet I don't want to be "that girl.")
But, I will say that 2 dances probably doesn't mean he liked it - it probably means his friends bought him a second dance. That's how these things work. I'm pretty sure that most guys don't really like it much at all, it's just kind of embarrassing and silly (not that I'm ok with it, it icks me out).
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So my FI had his bachelor party this weekend (a little early, yes, but he wanted it before the holiday craziness). So they did lots of fun stuff--charter fishing boat, paint ball, steak house. Of course they also went to a strip club. My FI asked what my rules were and I said it was OK for him to have one lap dance because I didn't want to be that controlling fiancee. Well, turns out he had 2 and also turns out they drove 2 hours (!) to a club where the girls were completely naked. Now I always thought the girls wore a g-string while giving lap dances. It really bothers me that they were naked. Was I just naive since I have never been to a strip club?
So I am very upset and since I said it was OK, I probably have no right to be upset. It's just that they drove 2 hours for this, the girl was completely naked, and he got 2 lap dances (implying to me that he liked the first and wanted more).
I thought I would be OK with it but I am really not. He is coming home in 2 hours and I am so upset that I don't even want to talk to him. He keeps calling me and I just don't want to have a conversation with him and keep the calls really short.
I am also upset that this type of depravity is really only available to guys. I mean, I am going to Disney and then out dancing for my bachelorette. Are there even male strip clubs? Ugh, how do I get over this?