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From Wikipedia: A bachelor party, also known as a stag party, stag night or stag do, a bull's party, and a buck's party or buck's night is a party held for a bachelor shortly before he enters marriage, to make the most of his final opportunity to engage in activities a new partner might not approve of, or merely to spend time with his male friends (who are often in his wedding party afterwards).
Isn't the whole point of the bachelor/ette party to go out, get really drunk, make an ass of yourself and enjoy your final moments before you're a married man/woman? The very idea of marriage denotes seriousness, commitment, and fidelity...not booze, strippers, and pictures that are NSFW, hence the reason for doing all that crazy stuff before you get married.
So, I ask, when did it become such a big deal for a guy to have a bachelor party? I see so many women absolutely affronted that their men had a roaring bachelor party complete with booze, strippers, and general naughty behavior, and I just don't get it. I am completely secure in my fiance's love and committment to me, and I encourage him to go out and have a raging bachelor party. I want the entire wedding experience to be filled with fun and good times, and not regrets that he didn't do what he really wanted to. He's marrying ME, so what do I care if he goes out and ogles women for an evening? ;-)
I'm not sure why you cite the wikipedia summary as though it's somehow definitive or proves the point. The definition of murder is killing someone. Cool. Doesn't make bashing someone's head in an okay thing to do.
My husband is, last I checked (this morning), completely secure in his love for me and trusts me completely. Doesn't mean he either likes or is okay with me getting drunk with a bunch of people whom I'm paying to perform sexual acts for my viewing pleasure. Nor, I think, would he feel especially warm and fuzzy thinking that I just had to go out there and ogle some other guy's giant package right before tying the knot because once we're married I'll be stuck with just him.
It's great that you and your FI have an arrangement that works for you. It's unfortunate that you lack the imagination or empathy to understand why it doesn't for other people.
@teaadntoast: I'm not citing the Wikipedia definition as absolute or correct. I merely used it as a jumping off point in order to offer up the generally accepted definition of a bachelor party. I in no way inferred that because something is on Wikipedia, it is an acceptable thing to do! lol!
I find it interesting that you seem totally offended by my post, and felt the need to attack me. I never meant it as an insult to anyone. I've seen so many posts/vents from women who are utterly heartbroken that their fiance dared to disobey them and had strippers/drinking/etc. at their stag party, and decided to offer up a differing opinion on the matter.
I agree with teaandtoast. If it works for you, that's great, but I agree that not every women thinks that way, and they have every right to think what they want to think or feel how they want to feel about the topic. I don't like it. I don't know why a man feels the need to go see strippers before he gets married. To me it's like saying "Well I won't ever get to see another women's body ever again, because I'm getting married, so I might as well see as much as I can well I'm still a bachelor." That doesn't make sense to me. If you don't like my body or my body isn't enough for you, why did you ask me to marry you? Why dont you just stay a bachelor forever, then you don't have to worry about not getting to see another women's body ever again. That's how I see it. I specially think hiring a private stripper or strippers to go back to the hotel room, is espically disgusting. Going to the strip club wasn't enough? I can tell you right now FI would not be happy with me if I went to go see male strippers.
Edit to say: I also don't think it's right if a women goes and sees male strippers either. I didn't mean to just say men do this kind of stuff.
Yeah I agree with teaandtoast as well - great for you and your FI that you feel this way, but that doesnt mean that every woman or couple should feel this way. Many women ARE okay with it but they dont need to write a post because they dont need the emotional support and validation that the women who arent okay with it need. Also, you are making it seem like you dont get why women arent okay with their men oogling other women, possibly touching them, and getting rowdy to the point of concern and lack of trust. Dont diminish how others are feeling just because you feel a different way...
@teaadntoast: That's an amazing way of putting it. I agree with you completely, but kudos especially on your descriptions :).
The reason my DH and I were both not OK with these type of parties is because we are not NEW partners.
We have been in a committed relationship for 7 years and just because we decided to legalize and celebrate our commitment it does not give either of us a free pass to go out and do "single" things. We are not single and have not been for a long time.
If either of us wanted to live a single life we would not be together!
@jo.lee: Thanks. I'm just kind of tired of people playing the, 'Well, if you trust him..." card.
As though anyone who might have problems with a raunchy bachelor party is controlling or paranoid.
Funny how that argument is only levelled at women. I bet you any amount of money if women suddenly decided en masse to celebrate their last nights of "freedom" by going home with random dudes, watching them simulate sex, receiving lap dances or some male version of "fed the kitty" their future husbands would be upset.
It does not make you cooler, less uptight, more sexually open or a better wife to be okay with strippers. It makes you okay with strippers. Which, fine, but why does that require its own post?
Whoa. There are lots of different kinds of people and lots of different kinds of bachelor/ette parties. So the answer is no, it's not necessarily the point of bachelor/ette parties to get drunk and hang with strippers.
Sure, that works for some men and women. And that's good for them. But there are many who aren't okay with it. And there's nothing wrong with not being okay with it.
Personally I dont see the point of having a stripper at a bach party. If you have found the woman you truly love, why do you need to pay for another woman to take her clothes off for you? Wheres the logic in that? And what makes that so much fun? Call me dense but I dont get it and I dont apologize for that. I also agree with @teaadntoast: that in the end every couple has a different arrangement that works for them
bells- That's exactly my point. Where is the logic in that? LOL.
Admittedly, I am flabbergasted. It seems to be alright for other posters to make a big deal about bachelor parties, calling them disgusting, horrible, etc., and yet when I post something to the contrary I'm considered to be mean and disrespectful of others' feelings. Other people have posted about what disgusting pigs the men are that want bachelor parties (particularly, those with strippers), and are basically putting down anyone who wants one and/or endorses it. As someone who is fine with a stag party, I could just as easily be offended or hurt by what people of opposing views have to say about it.
I did not put anyone down, merely stated that I do not understand why it is such a big deal. I asked when it became such a big deal for men to have wild bachelor parties, and yet people seeme to be interpreting this as an attack on those who are opposed to them.
PitbulLover - I get what you're saying and appreciate your input. You are absolutely correct in that there may be plenty of other women that agree with me, but don't post because they do not need to consult anyone on it. Nor do I. As I said before, I just wanted to offer up an opinion that wasn't opposed to stag parties, as it seems like people only ever hate on them.
I didn't put anyone down, nor did I condemn the women of differing views, and frankly I don't appreciate being condemned for mine. Saying that I don't get something is completely different than saying that they're wrong for having that opinion. My sincerest apologies to those who have misunderstood me, and feel their feelings have been dimished or ridiculed in any way.
I agree that this differs from couple to couple. But to answer the OPs question, what I take issue with is the idea that he has to go celebrate his last night of "freedom." As if our wedding is the beginning of his incarceration or something. I'm all for going out and celebrating the end of a chapter in his life, and the start of a new one. But I don't see how that translates into going out and doing inappropriate/sexual things with women. If it's something that would hurt me (and to be fair, if it's something that would hurt him) then it's not ok to do it.
@MissAdventure: Thanks for the clarification. :) Tone can be hard to read online.
Are you interested in knowing why some people aren't okay with it or think it's a big deal? I'm just trying to understand what kind of response you wanted. Thanks! :)
@MissAdventure: To some degree I can agree with your post but a bach/bachelorette party can be very different things to different people. I think if a poll was done on the hive, most people would agree they are ok with their husbands going out and celebrating, letting loose, etc.
To me the line is that we are still in a committed relationship and that party (nor any other party) should include something I am not comfortable with him doing. The Bach. Party is not a free pass to cheat on me (according to however I may define "cheating").
I was totally ok with my husband having a bachelor party. I was fully in support of him drinking until his friends had to drag him home if thats what he wanted. Personally, though, it was not ok for him to be touching or some other girl touching him in a sexual manner.
@Future Mrs. Martin:Thank you for your reply. That is exactly the kind of input I was hoping for, and I appreciate your opinion.
I personally am not okay with my fiance going to a strip club for his bachelor party because we are waiting till marriage to have sex. So in our view of sex, it would be a really big deal for him to go see strippers and simulate sexual acts when we've been saving sex for each other. Does that make sense?
Not saying I'm right or wrong. That's just our situation.
I apologize - I think I just read your post "I dont get it" as that you didnt understand why women would get upset with this kind of behavior. Believe me - my husband let loose for his bachelor party - he went to Vegas, gambled, got drunk , was rowdy with friends - I have nothing against that. I am just not okay with strippers (or the like) because I dont want my man touching or being touched by other women or even looking at scantily clad women meant to stimulate them sexually. I think I thought your post was saying that you dont get women who feel the way I do and that was hard for me to believe! Im not saying you dont deserve your own post - Im saying that most women who post about men being disgusting or being apalled about bachelor parties are doing it because they need the support and encouragement that it will be okay from other women who are going or have gone through the same thing.
@Gemstone:Thank you for your reply. I think what I was most curious about is WHY it became such a big deal. It seems to me like it has only been recently that women have taken such issue with the idea of bachelor parties, and to the point, strippers. I guess I should've clarified that.
As someone who does not have a problem with strippers and a wild bach party, I was wondering why its such a big deal. As I mentioned before, I see SO many posts about the "awful bach party", that it left me wondering. I'm not saying that the women who are opposed to them are wrong, merely that I don't understand it.
The second part of the Wiki definition is “or merely to spend time with his male friends” - that's a valid definition of the party for lots of couples.
The “point” of a bachelor party is only to get drunk and make an ass of yourself if that’s what you want to do, and what you think the point of the party is – plenty of men (and women) don’t think that’s the point of it.
The whole point of a committed relationship between two adults is about fidelity and commitment all along the way; that shouldn’t change once you sign a piece of paper or because you signa piece of paper. Neither my husband or I saw the week before our wedding as a time to celebrate our last single days – those days were gone years ago, when we committed to each other.
Whether or not you/your partner is ok with certain activities going on at parties is between those two people.
@caszos:I appreciate you sharing your opinion and explaining why you feel the way you do.
@missadventure
maybe it's your attitude that's upsetting people. you didnt say "this is why i think it's ok," you basically said "you are ridiculous if you disagree with me"
you don't have to undermine other opinions just to make your point.
@MissAdventure: in response to your question:
"As someone who does not have a problem with strippers and a wild bach party, I was wondering why its such a big deal. As I mentioned before, I see SO many posts about the "awful bach party", that it left me wondering. I'm not saying that the women who are opposed to them are wrong, merely that I don't understand it."
For us we had the you can look but not touch rule. I can deal with him going to a strip club and looking at a woman. I am not ok with touching (him touching her, or her touching him). To me, that crosses the line for cheating. Again, I dont' feel that the bachelor party gives him a free pass to cheat.
Personally, I'm totally okay with strippers! I like strippers! Strippers are cool as long as it doesn't devolve into, you know, actual sex acts with my FH. But I think the important thing for EVERYONE is to be upfront and clear about your feelings and boundaries with your partner.
FOR EXAMPLE! My FH recently attended a bachelor party that consisted of several activities throughout the day. After dinner and drinks, they went to a strip club on a whim (no lap dances! nothing out of the ordinary! just watching!). The bride (a girl I knew from HS), with no warning, suddenly became hyper-vigilant about bachelor parties, and called several times throughout the day to check up on them, and became more and more furious. When she heard they were at a strip club (which she had okayed), she demanded that her fiance come home. At 9pm. At his bachelor party. Leaving friends who had travelled hundreds and thousands of miles to see him.
Moral? Honesty. Full disclosure. Common human decency. Respect.
I understand and celebrate your point and I certainly don't think that your intention was to attack anyone else's point of view but rather to offer up your own. I also agree that you should not be blasted for your point of view and while I recognize that this is a hot button issue for some (and I respect all views on the topic), I must admit I am a little disappointed in the hive right now.
I'm completely okay with my FI going to a strip club etc. but that could be because of the two of us, I'm more interested in strippers than he is since I like the medium and also have an active interest in burlesque, so. There you go. The last time we went, I looked over at him and he was playing Tetris on his phone. In fact, I keep playing around with the idea of hiring one for him but I also recognize that all of this is contingent on either my instigation or my participation. I like to think that I'd be cool with it even if I wasn't involved.
He's made it very clear to me that he's more interested in having sex with me than with them, and I believe him so trust certainly isn't an issue. And I've also never come across a stripper that would want to steal him away from me and even if they did my attitude would be "yeah. Good luck with that."
Oooh giiirrrl, you're in for it with that type of post! For what it's worth, I totally agree with you. I would never start a thread about it though, there are just too many people who are going to jump down your throat (as we've already observed.) You're also going to get a whole lot of "you don't know me and my relationship!!!!!!!" posts. I don't really think it has anything to do with the particular relationship, however, you're either okay with your FI going to a strip club with his buddies, or you're not. It's got everything to do with you: your feelings and your morals, it's got nothing to do with him.
And we all know a bachelor party is really for the grooms friends anyway, not the groom. My FI doesn't even want a bachelor party, but we both understand that with his friends, it's going to happen. I love my FI too much to put him in the unenviable position of having to explain to his buddies that his FI forbids him to walk into a strip club. I'm totally fine with with the whole bachelor party thing, I trust my FI, I know he loves me and the thought of some trashy looking strippers jiggling it in front of him doesn't cause any insecurity in me.
@PitBulLover:Thank you for taking the time to understand my point of view. I trust you see that my post was in no way intended to be a snarky attack on those with opposing viewpoints. Again, I had not thought that the reason there might be so many posts about how bad rowdy bach parties are could be due to the fact that those posters are seeking advice/support/validation, and your insight is appreciated.
@MissAdventure: You're probably being attacked because your OP comes off as smug and condescending. As if anyone "heartbroken" by their FI's bachelor party is insecure or doesn't have the type of great relationship you apprently think you do.
I can only assume that one of of the threads you're referring too is mine. While you're certainly entitled to your opinion on the subject of bachelor parties, please respect that other women are every bit as entitled to theirs. I am secure in my relationship and my FI didn't "disobey" me, however, he did do something we had agreed he wouldn't do and yes, this angered and upset me but we got through it as we've gotten through other disagreemtns in the past and will get through them in the future.
Perhaps you and your SO will never have a disagreement and never dissapoint one another but frankly, I seriously doubt it. You may want to get a few years or decades under your belt before patting yourself on the back so heartily for your perfect relationship because I've got some news for you - no relationship is perfect and no relationship is bulletproof.
@MissAdventure: The tone of your post seems to suggest that you find it unreasonable for anyone to have a problem with strippers because you don't, and that those who do aren't secure in their relationships.
If you're simply searching for information, perhaps it would've been better to ask, "To those who are opposed to strippers, why?" without making it clear that you find it unfathomable why other women would be bothered.
Put another way, what sort of response would you expect if you walked up to a religious person and asked, 'Why do you believe in God? I mean, I'm a rationalist and totally commited to science and learning, so I just don't get why people are so into this religious stuff. Wikipedia says we have no rational proof of a higher power, so why do you fight wars over some magic dude in sky? ;-)"
I didn't find the OP offensive, but that's probably because I'm in the same camp as her. I had a few of my husbands friends ask me not to tell their wives that they went a strip club for his bachelor party. Then I have to listen to the one wife blab about how her amazing husband would never go to a strip club, when I know full well that he went with my husband for his party. It's so annoying. And it really doesn't bother me if my husband looks at boobs, and he even told me he gets lap dances from girls who look totally different from me. LOL. I don't know why this doesn't bother me-I think it's funny. It sounds kind of messed up though now that I'm typing it. haha.
MissAdventure- I am sorry also if you felt like I was attacking you, but when you said
"I see so many women absolutely affronted that their men had a roaring bachelor party complete with booze, strippers, and general naughty behavior, and I just don't get it. I am completely secure in my fiance's love and committment to me, and I encourage him to go out and have a raging bachelor party."
I felt like you were saying that anyone who disagreed with strippers is not secure in their FI's love and cimmittment.
I am glad you clarified.
I don't see anything wrong with my FI going out with his guys, going to bars, getting drunk or going to the casino, but the moment another women gets involved, by making sexual jestures to my FI, I am not okay with that, and FI wouldn't like it if another male made sexual jestures to me. For example, lap dances to get me aroused, or swinging their junk in my face to turn me on, which I would never go do because I'm not into that, but to each thier own, haha. It just works for us, and like Mrs. Martin said if one of us wanted to live a single life, we would not be together.
@MissAdventure: "I am completely secure in my fiance's love and committment to me, and I encourage him to go out and have a raging bachelor party."
I think that quote, from your OP, may be why some ladies took offense, because it can be taken in a way that implies that if one is not ok with her FH going out and having "a raging bachelor party," then they in turn are not "completely secure in [their] finance's love and committment." I'm not saying that this is what you meant-- I am offering this as a possible explanation for some of the negative comments.
In response to your original post:
I am completely secure in my FH love and committment to me as well and I also encourage him to have a wonderful bachelor party. However, I do have a problem with contact with strippers. (Going to a strip club? Fine. Getting a lap dance/ any other sort of contact with them, or having private strippers in your hotel room? Not fine.)
You mentioned, "I want the entire wedding experience to be filled with fun and good times, and not regrets that he didn't do what he really wanted to." Again, I agree with you. However, if my fiance regrets not being able to have a lap dance, throw his hard earned money at strippers, watching private strippers have sex with each other in his hotel room, etc, we have other issues. I do not think that those are things a man who is ready to get married is going to want to do (my opinion). If he regrets not being able to do those things, he is not ready to be married and he is not over the "single life." That's the issue I have with it.
I would also refer you to this article for some answers to your questions: http://www.indiebride.com/essays/cole/index.html. (You may have already read it.)
@Beluga: Thank you for posting and for sharing that tale! I think it kind of highlights my lack of understanding, in that I don't quite get why it is okay to go one minute and then not the next. As caszos stated, she had set boundaries prior to the event, and I think that's a wonderful idea. That way no one's feelings get hurt, and there is an understanding going in. Seems to me, that's how healthy relationships should work.
@MissHelen: I'm right there with you! I must be a bit of a hedonist, because I also enjoy strippers and burlesque. ;-) And the same thing goes for him actually going home with one. I know I'm the best he's ever had, or will ever have...and he knows it too! lol!
@MissAdventure:I agree with you 100% my dh's bach party was actually at our house in the apartment in our garage! Yes there were strippers 4 of them to be exact, and there were kegs and coolers full of jello shots! He has a blast with all of his friends and I'm happy that he had a blast! I have nothing aganist strippers, and honestly DH and I were just at a b-day at strip club for one of his friends, along with several other couples! As long as they abide by the rules, no performing sexual favors, or drinking with the strippers ect. I think it's fun for guys to have strippers at their bach parties! And on a side note all of my girlfriends and I go to the male review when ever they are intown and dh thinks it's funny he's usually our dd! But that's how we are, and how our group of friends are!
@lezlers:I believe you are correct. I don't think I just stirred the anthill in this instance, I think I walked up to it, kicked it, and probably set it on fire while I was at it. Which I never meant to do. Apparently my tone is condescending and came across as judgemental. Now I know better.
@MissAdventure: You are so right! Women fall prey to the internet horror stories that ALL grooms will sleep with the stripper if pushed. Sounds like insecurity to me and if you can't trust your man, then why are you getting married?
I hate it especially when women throws a fit about the party but has male strippers at hers! And then they use the excuse "Well male strippers are different." You're right! They are different, but don't think for one moment that some brides don't end up sleeping with one of them.
My SO doesn't like strippers. He calls them sub-human, but if he wanted them at his party I would say party away.
ETA: And this is not directed at women who are upfront and honest with their FI that strippers are NOT okay! Communication is key. This is for women who say it's okay so she doesn't look like a bridezilla and then end up calling him every five minutes flying off the handle at the sound of glasses clinking.
@MissAdventure: The reaction to your original post wasn't completely your fault. Unfortunately, women who aren't cool with the stripper thing often ARE criticized and judged and maligned for it. Which can make them a little extra sensitive. Or, at least, it does for me. (Not trying to speak for everyone, of course.)
Something else to consider is whether or not the guy even wants to have a bachelor party. There is not a rule saying that a guy has to have a bachelor party. I did not tell my FI that he could not have a bachelor party. We talked about this last night and he actually told me that he does not want a bachelor party. I think everyone has their own definition of what works for their relationship. FI and I are not strip club people and should not be judged for being this way. Not saying that is the intent of the OP, but I think that people jump to the conclusion that a guy has to have a bachelor party. If you are ok with a bachelor party with strippers, that is fine. If you are not ok with strippers at the bachelor party, that is fine as well. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and we all come from different places. FI has never been to a strip club or been around a stripper, so it would be totally out of character for him to go to one for a bachelor party. He actually passed over the opportunity to go to a strip club the night he asked me to be his girlfriend lol.
@MissAdventure: Rawr, the claws sure are coming out on this post! I, too, am flabbergasted at people attacking you on your post. I don't think you were out of line at all and you posed an interesting question.
I agree with you: "Isn't the whole point of the bachelor/ette party to go out, get really drunk, make an ass of yourself and enjoy your final moments before you're a married man/woman?" But I think some women don't feel that way, and therein lies the division of opinion. We are both planning on wild weekends away with our friends (out at clubs- no strippers- too tacky and not us).
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