Weddingbee boards

Thank you SO much for your honesty!  I kinda sorta knew this and dont know why we all accept it under the guise of "rite of passage",  Throughout history many things have been allowed, Kings were allowed to do as they pleased, chinese took concubines, our own president diddled his intern and we said OH ITS OK, he only lied about something that every red blooded man would lie about.  I seriously think it is time for us to stand up and make some parameters because frankly, I dont know exactly <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic">what I am going to do when this comes up for my FI (and it will) but I am leaning toward saying me or some entertainment.  He can have a whole life of strip clubs and indiscretions, he just can have me.  I hope I can manage this frankly, I dont know.  I just have to think we should be more evolved at this  point, we shouldnt accept it.  

I dont want a clandestine adventure with some paid stud, and so I would say no, I think he should do the same.  If it does cost me my marriage am I losing anything?  Honestly I am grateful to you Beach Baby, for telling us what we all know but pretend we dont.  Where does it end? 

Thank you for the honest post. 

With that said, I think if ppl have to tell their fiancee/bf/husband to not go to these places  ...you should mention it once.  After that, I would consider it common sense on the guy's part.  If he wants to "forget" this promise, I think it becomes intentional.  No girl/guy needs to always feel like they need to keep an extra eye on their significat other.

@BeachBaby - best of wishes on your upcomming wedding!

As someone who deplores the entire sex industry (everything from out and out prostitution to "harmless" pornography), thank you for being honest. More people need to know, and more people need to hear that it is ok to hurt from ANY kind of sexual betrayal. Thank you so much.

Thank you for this, I think it's important for girls (and guys, for that matter) to know what goes on.  It's usually a mostly taboo subject that we fool ourselves into thinking we know from TV and movies. 

I agree with you, wiglet and suzanno....your FI/husbands shouldn't want to go to strip clubs!  I don't know how or why this became okay.  My husband didn't really care to go.  I told him how I felt, and he agreed.  He also felt the same way about me doing any of the typical bachelorette stuff.  It is about respecting your partner.  If my husband is happy with me, he has no reason to have a naked stranger around him.  Not to say that I am responsible to make him "happy" in that way - I just mean that he doesn't feel the need to do this stuff.  Meaning, if he were to say, well its my last night as a single man, blaah blah blah, I would have said, well, then you aren't the person for me. 

I found this post shocking actually, that someone would admit to doing these things!  I commend you, beachbaby.  Most women wouldn't do that.  I am one of the people who didn't really "know" these things happened, because really most strip clubs don't go around advertising "sexual favors".  They do keep it secret.  Because obviously it is illegal, right?  Technically this would be a form of prostitution, right?  I don't think it is any man's right just because they are getting married to to these places, and I find it sad honestly, the women who act like its no big deal, whether their husbands are just watching them dance or going into the private rooms.  Have some respect for yourselves, right?  I don't know, thats just how I look at it....anyway, very interesting and enlightening ; ) post!

I hate the idea that having an honest discussion with your FI about your distaste for strip clubs and your desire that he never venture into one means you don't trust him. If my FI went to a strip club, it would be a huge deal to me, and it has nothing to do with a lack of trust.

I think it's important that every woman sits down with the man she's going to marry and establish boundaries, because everyone has a different idea of what it means to break their wedding vows. For me, going into a strip club and having another woman grind on you is cheating and breaking your vows. Clearly for other women it's not cheating, and that's fine. Some people consider dancing with another woman cheating, or going out to dinner with a female friend cheating. Some women have a more open relationship with their husband and enjoy bringing other people into the sexual side of their relationship - there's a very broad spectrum of what people consider acceptable behavior in a marriage.

I've told my FI I would consider going to a strip joint cheating, and he agrees. I never "forbid" him to go, but I would consider going to a strip joint a big deal, and I trust him more than anyone in the world. I would also find it disgusting to know my FI got turned on at a strip joint and came home to have sex with me. That doesn't mean it bothers me if other relationships are not like ours. If you're fine with your husband going to a strip joint and don't consider it cheating, then it's not cheating - for your relationship.

Let's remember that everyone's relationship is different, and please stop saying that those of us who don't want our husbands going to a strip club don't trust our men.

I completely agree that if going to a strip club is not cheating for you, then it's not cheating for you and your FI. However, for my FI and I, and most couples I know, going to a strip club is cheating. For us it is, and for you it's not - it's as simple as that, and we're both completely right with our beliefs for our relationships. As for the arousal over strippers, it's not something that I would feel comfortable with, but if it's something you don't mind, then it's completely fine for your relationship. What's right, wrong, cheating, not cheating, etc., for one relationship is different for another. In my relationship, going to a strip club is cheating - we've agreed on that. In many, many other relationships, it's not cheating, and no big deal. Nor is it a big deal for a lot of relationships if the husband comes home after a strip club and has sex with his wife, and that's wonderful for them, but it's not for me.

That's all I'm saying - relationships are different. What constitutes as cheating in one relationship doesn't in another. What turns one person on turns off another. The original poster has been accused of not trusting her FI and overreacting by individuals who don't see what he did as cheating. I want her to know that for those of us who do view it as cheating, we don't think she's overreacting, and we don't think she has trust issues. I just hate for her to be admonished by individuals who don't fully understand where she's coming from.

wow, there's a lot of stuff going on here.  the original post is candid and for some, appreciated.  For others, it will exacerbate the fear of "what might happen".  But that's what we do here - seek help and dole out advice. 

There are different kinds of strip clubs and different types of scenarios.  I've spent more than average time in strip clubs and around its patrons and dancers. I have stripper, go-go and burlesque friends.  To be perfectly honest, most strip clubs are horribly depressing.  And it's work - money for dancers on a path to a better job/life etc..  Bachelor parties are a tradition that not all men follow, but many and deeply disturbing to women - not all, but again, many.

Here's the thing: from the day he proposed to you, every thing from that day forward is a matter of trust, honesty and partnership. That conversation about what is and isn't okay is the key, like any decision you will make.  There is no special "just this one time"  That last time, in terms of being with another woman, ended when he proposed to you.  That's a commitment that no male bonding tradition should break.  But it's your call and a common ground to find.  My best friend and her fiance had a joint bachelor/bachelorette party at a strip club.  That would be odd to many people, but it's what they decided to do.

My guy's idea of the best night ever is wearing a kilt and hitting every irish bar in town but that's him and I have to say, this whole peer pressure thing has *got* to go.  Those friends need to respect your partnership.

Just my 2.5 cents.

I believe that the looking IS cheating, because it is purposeful. Yes, a man may see a scantily clad woman just walking down the street and have a thought or two, but that's very different from walking into a strip club and sitting down and watching. As Martin Luther said, we may not be able to stop birds from flying past our heads, but that doesn't mean we must allow them to make nests in our hair. And yes, by this definition, I say pornography is cheating too. And my fiance is the one who has set up these guidelines in our relationship, not me. He is unfailingly honest with me about his struggles to keep not only his actions but his thoughts as well fixed on me. I admire him and consider him to be a stronger man because of it.

WeddingKitty, I completely agree with you that the culture created by strip clubs is not something I want to support in any way. And December, I'm so glad to see I'm not alone in my belief that looking is cheating, and looking at pornography is cheating.

And Jessica, I completely agree with most of what you're saying, we just have different definitions of what constitutes cheating. Since my FI and I are in complete agreement as to what we believe constitutes cheating, I know there are no hard feelings on either side. I've never FORBIDDEN him to go to a strip club, but I've made it clear that I would consider it cheating and would be hurt by it, and he agrees that if the roles were reversed, he would feel exactly the same. I also agree that forbidding your FI to go to a strip club out of fear that he might cross a line means you don't trust him, but for us, entering the strip club is crossing the line.

I don't really agree that men are built differently than women and that all men have these needs that are fulfilled when they go to a strip club. And I know plenty of women who have a sex drive that matches any man out there, even if women typically go to a strip club for the "fun" of it. But, I also know more than a few women who get turned on by going to strip clubs. To me, it just seems less acceptable for women to hang out together in a strip club and get turned on, whereas for men this is deemed "normal" behavior.

When FI and I started dating, we agreed that to bring someone else into our sexual relationship - through porn, strip clubs, etc., was not acceptable. I'm not foolish enough to believe my man doesn't see attractive women on the streets, just as I see attractive men, but for us, that's a lot different than entering an establishment to oogle mostly naked women.