Bachelor party went too far…how to move beyond?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@LadyLeah789:that sounds awful. i’m sorry. my heart broke a little for you. then i pictured fi in your story and almost got a tear in my eye. i don’t know what to tell you…just that i hope you guys figure out how to work past this

Post # 4
2336 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I’m so sorry this happened to you. 🙁

He lied to you. More than once. And broke a promise. Obviously he knew it was wrong at the time, or he’d have just told you about it straight-up. But he did it anyway.

It’s going to take a very, very long time for him to earn your trust back. Trust is VERY difficult to rebuild.

I’m not sure what you can do to move on in this situation, except give it lots of time, and perhaps go to see a couples therapist.

Fiance and I are pretty much on the same page when it comes to strippers. He knows he’d be upset if I ever had one, and I feel the same. He’s never been to a strip club, and very specifically told all of his groomsmen that there were not to be any strippers of any kind at any party for him.

When you play with fire, you’re going to get burned. Obviously there are couples out there that are more open to this (some of my best friends would totally not care if their FIs went out and did pretty much whatever aside from sex at a strip club), but we’re not one of those couples, and you’re obviously not one of those couples, either.

Fiance needs to respect that this bothers you. If that means he can’t ever go to a strip club ever again, then he needs to be willing to give that up for you. Certainly you are more important to him than some strippers he’ll never see again.

This is one of those situations where a man goes in thinking he can handle himself, and then can’t. Even if he thinks he is above all temptation, why play with fire?

Post # 5
23 posts
  • Wedding: June 2013

Like pp said, my heart broke for you. If this happened to me I would be out the door and the wedding would definitely be off. Strip clubs and places like hooters are no nos for me. Yes I am a little insecure but that’s not the only reason, I find them disrespectful and degrading to women. In my opinion, if your so doesn’t like something and it makes him/her uncomfortable then you either break up, don’t do it because its not worth it, or compromise. Luckily my fiance agrees with me about strippers and we’re probably going to have a combined party because that’s how we are and just want to go out and celebrate with friends and family. 

You accepted it though and went on with the wedding. it will take time to forgive and trust again. Lots of time. And you will probably fight about it again and again. Perhaps seeing a counselor will help with communication and trust building exercises.

Good luck and lots of hugs

Post # 6
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think couples counseling will probably be the only way to get back on track with communication and trust.  That way you have a neutral, 3rd party professional who can explain how to properly build that trust back up and help you both communicate a little better.  It’ll also help your husband see your perspective and you’ll be able to see his perspective (if he is being 100% forthcoming now, then maybe it’ll help to hear how he felt with his buddies pushing to cross the line).  I’m not saying anything is right or wrong, it just sometimes helps to see how each other feels in this situation.  A counselor may also help your husband set boundaries with his friends and stick with them when he’s in situations where the peer pressure is strong.  

Post # 7
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I can see how you are upset.  Your Darling Husband made a promise to you and then lied when confronted.  My Darling Husband says guys do this b/c they know they’ve f**ked up big time and honestly don’t want to hurt their SO anymore.  I still don’t understand the logic b/c I believe in 100% honestly with your partner. 

I recently found out that Darling Husband did something when I first moved in with him years ago…not cheating but pretty darn close.  I had my suspicions about what happened but he never gave me the whole truth even when I consistantly brought it up.  I contemplated leaving too b/c I just knew something was off.  He quit going out w/o me b/c he knew I didn’t trust him 100% but I eventually was able to….although he doesn’t ever go out w/o me.

A couple of months after our wedding, the topic got brought up again.  I was hormonal and demanded to see his emails about the particular night in question….which he still had since he never deletes anything.  Turns out it was exactly what I thought it was and I wasn’t sure what to do….he had hid it from me for 3 years.  I mean do I leave him for it?  He explained his reasoning and then I pulled out my journal and read him my entries from around the time it happened….which I never share my journal. 

He was shocked that I was gonna leave and knew the whole time.  He apologized, said he knew it hurt me and that’s why he never put himself in that type of situation ever again.  He also mentioned that he couldn’t believe I held onto it for so long….he thought the issue was solved b/c I dropped it although I knew he still was hiding something.     

Obviously I was hurt, still am but I am slowly realizing it was a stupid mistake that he hasn’t done since.  He also knows I would leave if he did it again. 

Tell your Darling Husband exactly how you feel….the least he can do is listen to you since he did cause these emotions.  Eventually, you’ll get tired of the feelings and I promise it will be easier.  Counseling is definitely a good thing to look in to.  And a journal helps me b/c like you, I don’t talk to my family about any of our issues.  Our guys can be so stupid sometimes.  ((HUGS))

Post # 8
4109 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I’m so sorry. Just wanted to say I read through your post & I really feel for you. I personally don’t know what I would do in this situation because I’d be very hurt as well. I consider touching in private to be cheating, so I’d be downright devastated.


It’s not fair that he put you through this. I have no good advice to give. Again, I’m so sorry 🙁

Post # 9
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

We had a wedding to finish planning and to enjoy and it wasn’t worth ruining all of that over his momentary idiocy. 

I agree with the other posters who suggested counseling. Despite your statement above, it sounds like this is interfering in your marriage, since you say your feelings are blocked off. At this point, you have two options: forgive him and move on (and if you forgive him, you have to truly forgive him and stop bringing it up) or divorce him. It sounds like he’s a good guy in general and that this isn’t a regular thing for him.

Post # 10
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m sorry this happened.  I also think that he’s probably still lying to you about some of the events.  Lap dances that happen in hotel rooms are done by escorts or prostitutes, not strippers.  I have a friend who was an escort and she says that what happens in the hotel room is definitely not above the belt.  I’m not saying your husband took part in that kind of entertainment, but someone in the room certainly did.  I’m also not trying to upset you, but it’s pretty likely that he has only told a PARTIAL truth, and only under threat of being exposed.  I honestly don’t know what I would do, but I wouldn’t believe a word any of them said about what happened in the hotel room.  I’m sorry.  🙁

Post # 11
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I am so sorry this happened.  Your long post is not “selfish.”  I also advocate for counseling.  There are (understandably) some serious trust issues you need to work through.  The behaviour of your SO was inexcusable.

Post # 12
9629 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry you’re feeling hurt and upset. 

But it was a bachelor party.  This type of thing happens quite frequently at bachelor parties.  Which is why I think they’re an utterly stupid and ridiculous tradition if they get out of hand.  Hanging out with your buddies to celebrate is one thing, but cheating on your future spouse is so obviously wrong.  But many, many men don’t consider it cheating in that context.  I do, and I can see why you are feeling the way you do.  It would make me feel horrible and disgusted. 

This is why, no matter WHO is put into a circumstance like that – it’s playing with FIRE.  Almost everyone, especially a man – especially a young, normal, horny man – is going to succumb to temptation, due to these factors – Alcohol.  Stupid friends egging him on.  Naked women out to make a profit, just doing their job.  The strippers behave this way because they are supposed to!  This is how they make their money, their living.  While they’re working, they’re thinking ahead to lining up the next job, so they go all out so that word of mouth will spread about how far they’ll go, and the farther the better for most guys.  They want that reputation because it is good for their business.

As much as I completely trust, love and adore my Fiance, he is a normal, healthy, testosterone-loaded male and even he might do something he’d regret, under the same circumstances.

You could have put your foot down prior to the fact.  However, you chose not to, out of respect for him and trusting his choices.  He screwed up, big time.

But it was a bachelor party, never to be repeated again in his lifetime.  Now you are onto marriage.  You have to let this go.  You need to forgive him.  If it takes counseling to save your marriage at this point, by all means get some counseling.  But realize that, under the circumstances, he played with fire and majorly burned BOTH of you.  I’m sure he deeply regrets his actions.  But continuing to shame him is not going to heal your marriage.

My heart goes out to you and I hope you can find a way to move past this.  ((Hugs))

Post # 13
248 posts
Helper bee

I don’t have any advice but, I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I hope you both can come through this, since I believe that you love him. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have stayed. Best of luck. 

Post # 14
4150 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

First of all, I am so sorry you’re going through this.  My stomach turned reading this because this is a fear of many women (including me and FI’s bachelor party is next weekend).  I completely understand your feelings on the matter and do not think you are overreacting at all; however, I sort of have a different take than PPs on what happened based on your description of Darling Husband.

It sounds like your Darling Husband is a good man and one who is not into strippers at all.  However, at his bachelor party after some drinks, he went with the flow even though this wasn’t his thing.  He probably was hoping he could just hang out while the strippers were there and then it would be over.  Unfortunately, with him being the bachelor, he got the “special” treatment and a full-blown lap dance.  It seems like this was all a series of events that just got away from him and once it happened, he wanted to forget it and take it back and didn’t want to hurt you with information about something that to him meant nothing. Now he’s extremely regretful and upset about his behavior understandably and probably feels like the whole blur happened so quickly and like I said, the night just got away from him. 

With that all being said, you have to find a way to get past this, whatever that means for you.  Your husband sounds like a good guy, one that did not and still does not want to hurt you, one that did not and will not cheat on you, one that values your feelings and was trying to make the best of the situation after it happened by not hurting you over something meaningless, meanwhile he was unintentionally making it worse by omitting information and/or lying.

I hope you can come to a place where you feel some peace over this.  I definitely feel for you.

Post # 15
1330 posts
Bumble bee

I am so sorry this happened and I can understand how angry you would be at his dishonesty. It doesn’t matter how these things happened, it doesn’t matter where it happened, it doesn’t matter how drunk he was….what mattered is that

1. he lied

2. he lied repeatedly

3. he allowd it to happen and didn’t say no. Not for 20 minutes.

4. Guaranteed he enjoyed it. No guy lets a girl get down on him and doesn’t like it. Drunk or not drunk.

5.he expects you to forgive him. And, he didn’t tell you before the wedding to save his ass.

6. based on what he said and his lies of ommission, you can never be sure what exactly happened.


I am so tired of PEOPLE in general going out and doing things that, in any other circumstance, would be called CHEATING. But oh, label it “the stag night” and then it’s ok? nah ah.


Ok, rant over-sorry, just this annoys me.


Getting over this, if that is what you wants, begins with forgiveness. It begins with truly forgiving him, and lettin this go, and asking him to be  truly sorry for his actions, and also avoid potential situations in the future where this could happen again.

Gettin over this is a choice-any time you put your mind to something, in either direction, that is the way you will move forward. Right now, your mind is on hurt, so that is the where you will remain until you make these decisions.

good luck.

Post # 16
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Okay… first of all those were not strippers. When they go to a room, they are hookers. There are no boundaries with these girls. I would insist he get tested for diseases…

Second of all, I don’t get the whole rubbing of the shirt all over thing. Sounds to me like that was either a way to stir up drama at home and did it to get him hot because it was a risky thing to do. Either way I would just think it was dumb. The touching though is what gets me. That was cheating.

And no, you do not have to set boundaries like that for a man. He knows what he should and should not be doing. I can tell my husband, yeah sure go to a strip club its fine. I should not have to tell him, oh but do not have sex with them.

I mean come on now….

I do not know what advice to give you, other then that he lied and it makes me wonder what else he is lieing about. I think he is going to have to seriously work on gaining your trust back for a few years.


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