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Okay, so I need some advice!

The groom's Bachelor Party is coming up.  His groomsmen have been planning it for months and it's a big surprise for the groom.  He doesn't know what they're doing, where they are going, who's invited, etc.  So the groomsmen have decided to take a road trip to Chicago with the groom, go to a Cubs game, go out drinking, spend the night there, etc.  I guess there are roughly seven men going.

Since the Bachelor Party was taking up a full weekend, I decided to schedule the bride's Bridal Shower for that weekend, since she'd be home alone and I figured that was a good time to do it because all the ladies will be around without their men.

Now, the groom has one really close female friend.  When the bride and groom got engaged, the female friend emphasized to the groom that she hoped the bride would include her in things like the bridal shower and bachelorette party.  Unfortunately, the Bachelorette Party was planned for a weekend she could not attend, but the Bridal Shower was the weekend of the Bachelor Party and she was available, so she RSVP'd YES, she was coming.

That RSVP was roughly a week ago.  Fast forward to today.  I get an e-mail from female friend stating that she has to change her RSVP to the Bridal Shower to a no as she will no longer be able to attend.  She claims "the guys" have convinced her to fly out to Chicago and "surprise" the groom.

Here's my issue.  My friend, the bride, has expressed in the past her discomfort with the close relationship between the groom and female friend.  She doesn't love how close the two of them are and I know it makes her kind of uncomfortable when they hang out without her.  I'm pretty positive that female friend attending the Bachelor Party will upset the bride, especially since female friend will be the ONLY woman at this party.

I'm not sure what to do.  I don't want to talk to female friend, because I don't think she knows bride is a little insecure and I think bride wouldn't appreciate me filling female friend in.  I also don't want to talk to bride, because she's stressed enough as is and I think this would just add to that.  I also don't want to talk to groom, because the whole party is a surprise and I don't want to ruin it for him.

Any suggestions on what I should do, if anything?

That would make me uncomfortable, too if that was my FI and despite that, I think it's a little inappropriate for her to be going to the bachelor party weekend, especially when she expressed such enthusiasm about wanting to be involved in the bridal stuff. Frankly, that would piss me off that she would be going and that she changed her RSVP. As the bride, I would want to know. I'm not sure how I would handle it from there but I would want to know.

Thank you for your comments!  It didn't even occur to me to talk to the guys, but maybe that makes the most sense!  I will e-mail the two groomsmen that are organizing the whole event and let them know my concerns and hopefully they will deal with the situation!  Then neither groom nor bride need to know and hopefully they can tactfully uninvite female friend!

I completely agree!  I think it's so weird that they would invite her at all, especially since she's going to be the ONLY girl attending.  I don't even understand why SHE would accept - since if it was me, I'd feel uncomfortable being the only girl attending a bachelor party with a bunch of men, even if I was friends with all of them.  It just seems disrectful to me that the guys would even invite a girl to the party without maybe first discussing it with the bride (who wouldn't told them not to if they had asked, I'm sure).

I echo PPs and say talk to the groomsmen.  Guys are pretty clueless at times about this stuff, and they probably just see it as she's his friend and 'one of the guys' and won't realize the inappropriateness of it.

On another note, it is so incredibly inappropriate (in my eyes) of this female friend to basically ditch the shower to attend the bachelor party.  Especially if she expressed in the past how she really hoped to be involved in the bride related activities.  Seems to me if she had any respect for her friend's (groom) relationship with the bride, she wouldn't even consider going to the bachelor party.  

Gahh, now I'm even more frustrated!  I'm including the e-mail I sent to the groomsmen and the respond I've just received!  Names changed to protect the innocent.  :P

Groomsmen 1 and Groomsmen 2,

Female Friend just informed me that she would no longer be attending Bride's bridal shower because she was "convinced" to surprise Groom and go to his bachelor party in Chicago.  I just wanted to throw my $0.02 in for you guys to consider since I'm not sure how to broach the subject with Female Friend or Bride.

Although I know you guys aren't planning some super raunchy bachelor party where women would feel uncomfortable attending, I think that it's not wise to include women (especially only one woman) in Groom's bachelor party.  I know that Groom and Female Friend are extremely good friends, but I think that's the kind of situation that might make Bride feel uncomfortable if she knows Female Friend is going to be in Chicago with Groom while she is at home.  Plus I know Bride was pleased that Female Friend was attending her bridal shower and hearing that she isn't so she can go be with Groom isn't something that's going to go over well.

I strongly urge you to reconsider this course of action since I think it can only cause strife for the happy couple.  I know that there's nothing between Groom  and Female Friend besides friendship, but I think there's been some jealously and insecurity, at least in the past, from Bride in regards to Groom and Female Friend's relationship.  I think Bride would be extremely uncomfortable with Female Friend going to Groom's bachelor party, especially if there aren't other women attending.

I thought I would broach the subject with you guys before talking to Bride about it, because I think that's something she deserves to know about and I'm not sure she'd keep it a secret from Groom since I think it would upset her.

Thanks for your time,

~Adira

And here is the response from Groomsmen 1:

Wait, what?

I invited Female Friend because, as you mentioned, she is a good friend of Groom. The reasoning behind it is, as an inside joke to Groom (who does NOT know she is coming), we thought it'd be funny to have Female Friend there as an unexpected "WTF" type of surprise. It's essentially a gag.

I wasn't aware that she was even going to the bridal shower. I didn't even realize Bride's bridal shower was that weekend.<

As far as Bride being jealous, I can assure you she has nothing to be jealous about. I mean, Female Friend has hung out with just Groom on several occasions. She'll be with seven guys on this trip. There's nothing there between she and Groom. Zip, nadda, zilch. She's like a little sister to both Groom, which is another reason she got an invite.I think he's think it's hilarious.<

I can assure you that Female Friend's presence at the Bachelor Party will be the most trivial sin occurring within our escapades.

There's also something else I don't get about how this could be problematic - Female Friend is a devout Christian. She's waiting until marriage for everything. She has zero interest in even holding a guy's hand unless it seems like it could lead to marriage. I can assure you that she is not a home wrecker who will be looking to damage Groom and Bride's future as a married couple. She doesn't even think about that kind of stuff, which is why this seems so bizarre to me. The suggestion that this in inappropriate, with all due respect, is laughable. Like I mentioned, she's like a sister but also essentially "one of the guys" to Groom, hence the invite.

I'm just baffled by this whole thing. Is this really a problem?

Thanks,

Groomsmen 1

Umm...so a girl who won't hold a guy's hand unless it will lead to marriage is perfectly fine with hanging out with 7 guys at a bachelor party?  That doesn't necessarily add up to me.  In my head, the one girl hanging out with 7 guys at a bachelor party is usually the stripper...

And now I've just received THIS back from Groomsmen 1:

What I don't understand is why is he so adamant that I don't talk to the Bride and that only he or Groomsmen 2 speak to her??  What could he possibly think I would say that they're so afraid of??

And I agree, Groomsmen 1 kind of is a jerk.  He once stopped talking to the Groom for over a month with ZERO explanation and just avoided his calls and stuff for no apparent reason.  We found out later that the reason was because he thought Groom wasn't good enough for Bride (some friend, right??? He's supposed to be Groom's friend!).

Ok I am really upset by their responses back to you. They were rude and completely inconsiderate of the bride's feelings and you trying to prevent a possible bad situation.

I don't know the relationship bt the guys and the girl but the whole WTF surprise gag just sounds stupid and shady, I don't know of any of our guy friends that would do something like that for my FI. And if she's so Christian and moral, wouldn't she see the possible inappropriateness of her going with 7 men for a bachelor party weekend? Doesn't add up and it seems like no one is getting it and they are being very dispectful of the bride.

All that aside, it was completely rude of the girl to express interest in the bridal events and planning and RSVP then to take it back a week before. I don't like how they said they would handle it and only they could talk to the bride about it, that was very rude. I would honestly at this point reply back that you weren't knocking this girl but she was rude to cancel and you don't think it would be very appropriate for her to go.

I would now speak to the bride about this if  you already haven't and I would consider talking to his girl about the situation. This is absolutely ridiculous and getting out of control. They're being very disrespectful of not only the bride but of the groom, their friend. How would he feel if he knew how they were acting and the potential to hurt his future wife?!

And honestly, if they only talk to her about it it just may make matters worse because she may go along with their plans so she doesn't rock the boat and cause a scene because they're his friends. You need to talk to her.

The bride is very lucky to have a girlfriend like you in her corner!

Thank you for your support, ladies!

Mrs. Murray to Be - I completely agree - these guys seem really disrespectful and rude.  They don't seem to care about the potential hurt and upset that Bride may feel - only that they get their way and get to do what they want.  I understand that they may not get it when it comes to how the Bride feels about Groom and Female Friend, but honestly, they don't have to get it - they just need to be respectful of everyone's feelings.

I'm also pretty positive that if the guys had bothered to ask the Groom for a list of people to invite to his bachelor party, he would NOT have included Female Friend, since he knows how his fiancee (Bride) feels about their friendship.

I also really don't get why Groomsmen 1 is so insistent that I not speak to the Bride about it if he's going to talk to her.  What could he possibly think I would say that he doesn't want me to say?  Maybe he's worried I'll tell Bride what a jerk he's being?  But he could always just NOT be a jerk and then he wouldn't have to worry about it, haha!

I also agree that Female Friend isn't considering Bride's feelings at all.  Female Friend already can't attend the Bachelorette Party, so the only bride-related event she can attend is the Bridal Shower.  Now she's saying she's not going to go because she'd rather fly to Chicago to "surprise" the Groom?  The whole thing just seems sketchy to me.  And I know that I wouldn't want to spend a weekend with seven guys - that just seems strange.  Plus was she going to get her own hotel room too or is she planning spending the night in THEIR hotel room???  Sketchy!!!

I responded with this e-mail BEFORE I got the e-mail about "don't talk to Bride, we'll do it!":

I am sure that Groom and Female Friend have a strictly platonic relationship and that there's nothing to be concerned about in this situation.

But I feel compelled to bring it up because I think Bride would be uncomfortable with this.  I think, in general, it's inappropriate to invite a girl to a bachelor party unless except under very strict circumstances, and this isn't one of them.  Whether or not any of you, or Groom, or Female Friend, think this situation is something to be concerned about is really not the issue.  The issue is that Bride, Groom's fiancee, will most likely be upset with this, is what I have a problem with.  I think that this could cause just more stress for Bride and she'll be frustrated with everyone involved in this, including Groom who had nothing to do with it.

Have you asked Groom if he would be okay with you inviting any girls to the bachelor party?  Did he give you a list of people he wanted invite and Female Friend was on it?  I think that if you asked Groom, he probably wouldn't suggest inviting Female Friend.

I think that if you guys don't understand how uncomfortable this might make Bride or feel the need to do anything about it, I will have to either talk to Groom  or Bride about it (not sure which yet).  I don't want to tell Bride because I think it would upset her, so I may decide to talk to Groom first about it.

~Adira

Maybe this wasn't the best e-mail to send... it was before the "don't tell Bride" e-mail and in response to their first e-mail.  Should I not have sent this one?

@kcasam - I agree - Groomsmen 1 is being really weird about this whole thing I think.

I would talk to the Female Friend and explain it to her. I'm a guys girl and most of my friends are guys but if I was invited to the brides shower and also to the grooms bachelor party there is NO WAY I would back out of the bridal shower. Female Friend is already close with the groom and she needs to get to know the Bride better!

And this is just something I picked up on since the last post by Adira...sounds like Groomsmen 1 might have feelings for Bride....think about it....he stopped talking to the Groom because he thought he wasn't good enough for her and then he goes and invites the Female Friend to the all boys bachelor party...he's either trying to ruin the marriage or get in line for the Female Friend! I would flip out if I found out a female friend was going on my future husband's bachelor party trip. I just hope and pray I have a friend that tells me!

And here's the fun response back from Groomsmen 1 in response to my second e-mail:

Am I imagining this, or are you essentially threatening to ruin the Bachelor Party?

Groomsmen 1