Post # 1
My FI’s bachelor party is this weekend and I am dieing to have it over with! My bachelorette party will be one night out in town but my FI has to go out of town for an entire weekend-why do men have to make it such s big deal? I had no idea I would have such a reaction to anticipating the bachelor party, but it crept up on me this week and I am kinda freaking out (in secret). Everytime his party comes up in convo, I pretend I am SO happy for him and encourage him to have a great time. Truthfully, I AM happy he gets to hang out with friends he hasn’t seen in far too long & his brother. However, I am really worried that there will be activities going on that would upset me. My FI has always told me he is not into strippers/strip clubs and doesn’t believe anyone should “celebrate” their upcoming wedding with friends by watching naked women “dance”. I know he has been to them in the past and I know he has “sowed his wild oats” so to speak. I have always known him to be trustworthy and not the kind of man that would ever step out on me.
The reason I am so worried about the bachelor party is because of who is going. His brother has blatently cheated on past girlfriends and likes to make a habit of getting girls to let him “motorboat” them at bars. He is a major instigator, and is always making comments about women every chance he gets. I do love his brother, but he can be a real pig especially when drinking is involved. When he is around he brings out this strange side in my FI. My FI’s best man is a great guy, but can be super flirtatious and has had some “transgressions” while being married himself.
Point being I trust my FI, but I don’t trust some of the men he will be spending an entire weekend with. They have both pretty much said they are going to party hard and possibly women could be involved. The men are all staying at a private cabin that happens to be nearby a strip club. I have voiced my opinion to my FI early on when we got engaged. I’m sorry I just don’t agree with the idea of him being at a strip club or the idea of him getting up close and personal with another woman. Just because its for money doesn’t make it any less wrong, or morally corrupt. My FI has always agreed with me.
I just have such a bad feeling about this weekend, a sick to my stomach feeling. I love my FI so much, but I am so afraid to lose him. I know him so well, and he is not the kind of man that would do something cheap or lower himself to a liar or cheater. Thats why I would be so confused and hurt if he were to do something out of character this weekend. I have become more confident over the years and I know he really loves me, but deep down I am still insecure and terrified of being cheated on (childhood memories). We are so close to the wedding, and all these wonderful things are happening in our lives. I am just praying these men will all behave. No one in his group is single, they are all married or in serious relationships. Many women would be upset if one of them were to cause something inappropriate to happen. Please tell me I have no reason to worry.
Post # 2
Why don’t you talk to him and his brother and a friend or two? When something could happen that would derail the wedding, I think it should be discussed in clear terms so they know just how much to avoid it and what all they’re risking if they don’t. For my FI, he’s been to strip clubs before but strippers, callgirls, and other women are to have no place in his last celebration w his guys as he prepares to marry me. No touching of any kind, no nudity, no long flirting or exchanging numbers, nothing.
I would also bluff them out (which I happen to be good at) and tell them that no matter what, I obviously will find out if something goes down, no matter how hard they try to hide it. And when (not if, bc I definitely will) I find out, even more so if I find out on my own instead of my FI coming clean on his own right away, all bets are off. Even if I find out a year or two into the Marriage Or the night before.
im considering saying that anything my FI does with another woman (whether flirting, touching, lapdance, nudity, anything), I will do with another man, just on principle. That might hammer the point home.
Post # 3
Talk to your FI about how you are feeling. The way you feel is common and your feelings are valid. If you feel like it might have an impact on the wedding, or your feelings for him the he needs to know. you don’t want him to go to a strip club and then you resent him for it and question the wedding/not be as happy on your wedding day when it could be avoided! Tell him these feelings have recently been creeping up and you know that if he does have strippers then you will not be okay with it and it could be harmful to the relationship.
Your FI needs to make it clear to his GM that he does not want strippers. My FI told his GM he not want strippers and would not participate if they where planned. No strippers were planned. When they were out his friends tried to convince him to go to a strip club and he said no.
It sounds like you have a great guy and you have a great, trusting relationship. I think just a simple conversation will be all you need!!
and have fun at your party!
Post # 4
kaylaann: I couldn’t agree with you more. It is not a last night of being single given that an engaged man is about as far from single as they come. I don’t understand why paying for such disrespectful behaviour is okay but if the same thing was done without money, it would be cheating. The behaviour remains the same regardless of money changing hands.
If you are that uncomfortable with it, you really should tell him. Your feelings, whether anyone else validates them or not, should be more important to him than what his friends and brother want to do. I’d have a similar reaction to you (which I imagine won’t be popular here but it is what it is) and I know my FI wouldn’t put himself in a situation like that.
I hope he sticks to his word and that you have nothing to worry about! How would he feel if you did the same thing, except you didn’t have to pay? Any behaviour that can crack the foundation of your marriage should not be participated in before your wedding. Some women would be fine with a party like this but you don’t have to be one of them!
Post # 5
why do men have to make it such s big deal?
kaylaann: Some men think of their bachelor party as some sort of last hurrah, while others can enjoy a simple night out with friends (my husband and I had dinner and game night with friends). Like other PPs have said, if something about this makes you uncomfortable you need to be able to talk to him about it. I personally never understood the point of bachelor parties with strippers, it seems to cause far more problems than anything.
Post # 6
kaylaann: Talk to your FI about your concerns. They are legitimate and reasonable. See what he says and ask for reassurance that he will keep things in check and ask how he will deal with any peer pressure from his friends to go along with things or risk looking uncool. If there are things neither if you want to happen like their going to strip clubs, then he needs to be responsible for telling whomever is organizing the party that its off-limits.
Dont feel guilty. The “traditional” bachelor party is way past time for an ovehaul.
Post # 7
I have talked to my FI more than once about my boundaries for this type of thing (this is many years in the making). I made them very clear, and I don’t feel like it would be necessary for me to repeat all that I have said before & lay down “ground rules” right before he left for his weekend. I really didn’t want to be “that girl” who has to warn, or ask for promises or just in general show him my worry or insecurity. Even though I am worried, and my mind can play tricks on me, I wanted to show him the respect that I do trust him when it comes down to it.
I tried to play the situation as smart as I could. I made him dinner, kept saying how happy I was for him that he gets to see some good friends he hasn’t seen in a while. I also showed him a lot of “affection” if you know what I mean. Basically I did everything I could to ensure he was leaving for his bachelor party with us on a really strong positive note (as we usually are). The last thing I wanted was to get all demanding and militant right before he leaves.
Its just a tough situation. He is staying right at the California/Nevada border, so I don’t want to act naive or stupid. He & his boys are staying right near some adult entertainment clubs and live sex shows…I am repulsed by the idea of it all. It makes me sick to imagine the idea of him destroying the purity of our relationship by engaging in those kind of activities.
I firnly believe we have discussed this topic so thoroughly leading up to our wedding & he has assured me at every turn that he is not into that kind of thing at all. He finds it depressing and just gross. I do believe what he has told me to be true. He has always been honest with me and holds himself to a very high level of integrity. He is not a “partier” or a skirt chaser, and doesn’t have any female friends. He is a very straightforward person, there haven’t been any “grey area” situations with him.
This is one of the most important reasons why I am marrying this man. I adore him and the fact that I feel so safe and comforted by how much I trust him. He has earned it all. I feel nervous about this weekend because I guess its our first real “test” to make sure he is truly who I believe him to be as a man.
If I found out otherwise it would be devastating…
Post # 8
If you truly have discussed this with him, and he has assured you that he won’t be participating in those things, then you really don’t need to worry. Your FI is a grown man who loves you. If he doesn’t want to go to a strip club, he won’t.
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
This post has me a bit puzzled. On the one had, OP, you sound like you trust your FI and have no reason to be worried.
On the other hand, it sounds like the whole purpose of this weekend is to be near strippers. It doesn’t sound like they plan on spending the weekend fishing. That’s the part that would annoy me.
My brother and his buddies often go to someone’s cabin or whatever, and they all like to drink. But the cabins don’t “happen” to be near strip clubs. And his friends would never set up a bachelor weekend like that for him b/c they are his FRIENDS.
Your FI’s friends all sound like douches. So… your FI is going to a cabin near a strip club with a bunch of douchey cheaters to “party hard.”
I’m sorry to say that I think there’s a very good chance that your FI will be watching a stripper. It sounds like they’ve arranged it so it would be nearly impossible NOT to.
Post # 10
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
P.S. What is motorboating?
ETA: nm, I looked it up. Um…. EW.
Post # 11
I think I said no strippers no getting so wasted that you end up hospitalized…do you know what is now being planned? A casino trip in the evening after a day of paint balling. Good man fun with no real concern, except icing some welts. If he goes to a strip club he knows I will not support it and has made it clear to his brother not to plan that way. Still, your situation was that his friends just happened to book a cabin near strip clubs?? A cabin? A place where the only entertainment besides a stripper would be food and beer (which, okay my BIL did do a get wasted in tents outside night)—he will likely have a stripper. If his paws are off of her and he does not cheat you are either going to have to have a chat with him about respecting your requests (he is a grown man and could have controlled this situation) or just let it go. If he cheats? Dump him or fkeep him and get to couple’s counselling.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
kaylaann: If you’re afraid “to lose your FI” at his bachelor party…. I think there’s a problem.
Post # 13
kaylaann: if you trust him you trust him and it shouldn’t matter what the people he’s with do. If you’re afraid he will do something wrong because of other peopke you don’t actually trust him and you guys have bigger issues to worry about then a possible stripper giving him a lap dance.
Post # 14
Yes you are right I do have issues stemming from childhood abuse and watching my mom being abused & cheated on by her ex-husband for 10 years.
As women, we have all had some bad experiences in the past that can linger in our hearts. I have worked on these emotional issues through years of therapy and even facing my abuser. It has been a hard road and even though I have done a lot to heal myself-I still have fears about men and what they are capable of.
I think its totally natural to have some wondering/or worrying around your FI’s bachelor party, however I know my level of “worrying” is a bit more than maybe others because of the things I witnessed as a child.
As far as I know the cabin was chosen in that location because it was a middle meeting point because all his buddies are from out of town. It was also a good deal. My curiousity lead me to google map the area to see what kind of establishments are nearby. I found a lot of strip clubs and live sex shows. Yes that made me worry. I do feel like that is a human response.
I do trust my FI, he is a good man with a good heart and very honest. I am just still a bit jaded from the past. FI knows about what I have been through and he has actually experienced similar abuse as a child. It is a strong connection we share. He has helped me through some of the hardest things I have had to go through.
So I guess to clarify, the “problem” we have is some deep seeded insecurity that stems from childhood abuse and watching my mother suffer for 10 years.
Post # 15
kaylaann: I feel for you and what you’ve been through. honestly, the fact your fiancé knowa all of this and still decided to have a bachelor party is telling. I can’t imagine my husband doing something he knew would upset and worry me. I’m sure everything will be just fine. Since you can’t change it now, I would use it as an exercise for moving past some of the insecurities you have.