Post # 1
Hopefully someone can offer me some words of wisdom. My fiance had his bachelor party this weekend with his buddies. Let me just say that I am not a jealous person, I know he loves and respects me and have no fears of him cheating. Beforehand, I simply told him all I asked was for him to “Be safe, don’t get hurt, and don’t get arrested.” (half-jokingly). I figured he would go to a strip club, and wasn’t too concerned because I know he’s been to strip clubs twice in the past, and I believe him when he says it’s not his thing. I am also very good friends with the buddies he went our with, so I felt confident they would take care of him.
Anyway, when returning last night, we spoke on the phone and after telling me about the weekend, I said “It doesn’t sound like you guys got too crazy.” And he told me things HAD gotten a little crazy Saturday night. He admitted to trying cocaine for the first time, and then getting a lap dance from a stripper (his first one). Let me say here that I know most of our friends have done coke recreationally and are regular users of marijuana. My fiance and I are not drug users, although we do drink recreationally. So I not ignorant to their habbits. They’re great, fun guys; I’ve known them for years and their use of these things does not bother me.
When he told me, my first reaction was shock. I felt kind of sick and disgusted. What bothers me most is having these images in my head now of my fiance doing coke and having some stripper’s butt shaking in his face. I haven’t told him yet that I’m not exactly thrilled about the weekend’s events, but I am glad he told me because I want us to have an honet, open relationship where he doesn’t have to be afraid to tell me things. I’m also pissed that our friends bought him a lap dance. I really didn’t mind them going to a strip club (although I am disgusted by them) but I am horrified he got a lap dance. He said he didn’t really enjoy the dance or the coke, and I believe him, but it doesn’t change how I feel.
How should I approach this? I don’t want to deter him from being honest with me about things in the future, but I am really not happy about this. Please help!
Post # 3
@kay123: Hmm. You could say “I’m not happy about what happened. I don’t mind the strip club but I’m upset by the lap dance and the coke. But I am glad that you told me and that you could be honest with me. Now let’s forget that this ever happened and move on.”
Then once he (hopefully) apologizes, accept his apology. And drop it. Let it go after that.
Post # 4
For me, any illegal drug use would be an instant deal breaker. The lap dance I wouldn’t be thrilled about but could get over. I would definitely let him know you’re upset.
Post # 5
i’d be more concerned about the coke than the stripclub/lap dance.
if these friends are regular drug users, is he going to continue to hang out with them and use drugs?
broach the subject as a concern for his health and thank him for telling you.
i would not bring up the lap dance.
Post # 6
@kay123: I understand how you feel, but it’s over and done now.
Explain to him how you feel, and that you didn’t expect to feel this way, but the fact is you do. Also tell him you appreciate his openness and honesty in telling you what happened.
Ask him to seriously think about how he would feel if you had been the one to do exactly those things. Tell him you had hoped he could be trusted to have better judgment and it makes you sad he didn’t.
Let him know you’re disappointed but, then, really, as @LadyBlackheart: said, drop it – let it go. And hopefully he’ll never do anything like that again.
Post # 7
I think it’s probably just better to let this one go – he said it’s not his thing, it doesn’t seem like he’ll do either of these things again.
I totally understand why you’re uncomfortable, though – my SO went to a strip club AND tried Molly when he was abroad in South Africa a few years ago and both things really freaked me out. The strip club less so, but drugs scare me. I explained to him that due to some things that have happened in my extended family, I’m freaked out by hard drugs and knowing that he was doing them really made me fear for his safety (I know I’m kind of paranoid about it). He understood and agreed that the one time experience was enough. He hasn’t gone to a strip club or done any drugs since.
I think maybe just letting him know that you’re glad he had fun but that you’d appreciate if he stayed away from both strippers and coke in the future will suffice. It doesn’t seem like he’s really interested in trying either ever again, so it shouldn’t cause an argument or anything. If it DOES cause an argument, then I’d be more concerned – if it seemed like he really enjoyed this experience that’s a whole other thing.
Post # 8
@LadyBlackheart: +1 … along with a promise to never, ever do coke again. I would be more furious with that then anything.
I made my FI (now husband) promise no strip clubs and the guys all laughed at me. Thankfully they think they are just as rediculous as I do.
Post # 9
Illegal drug use would be a dealbreaker. I agree with the other PP’s who say to talk to your FI about your feelings.
Post # 10
*hugs* I’m so sorry OP…I totally understand the “sick and disgusted” feeling you’re talking about! I feel that way when I think about shit my bf has done before he even met me so I can’t even imagine. I think you should be as open and honest with your feelings as he was with you about his actions. Was he apologetic? Does he understand that his actions weren’t okay with you and the relationship you all have? Let him know how disrespected you feel and how disappointed you are…if he can’t grasp that, the talks need to get deeper but hopefully he’ll get it and understand.
Best of luck!
Post # 11
Sorry you’re feeling down over this.. but at the end of the day, you should be thankful that you have a FI who is so open and honest with you! I’d simply let him know that I was unsure about how I felt about the whole situation and take it from there. Sounds like you guys can communicate well.
Post # 12
I definitely believe he puts a high priority on our relationship. Just over lunch today he told me on the phone that he felt like the purpose of a bachelor party was to make you appreciate your soon-to-be-wife even more. I know he doesn’t like strippers, and he even commented on how some other strippers were rubbing all over other guys at the club, but he asked not to be touched. The coke honestly doesn’t bother me as much as the lap dance, which might sounds weird, but I just know he’s not into drugs. It’s more that I just feel upset that he did it, but I certainly don’t see it becoming a regular, or even repeated thing.
Post # 13
The cocaine would be the kicker for me. Many, many bachelor parties have the whole strip club thing involved, but the drugs? I’m not sure how I would react to that. :-
Post # 14
I would honestly just bring it up once he’s home. Tell him what made you uncomfortable and talk through it. I’m sure he will be understanding of how you feel. I wouldn’t personally just drop it if I wasn’t comfortable on how everything ended (conversation-wise) though. Maybe it’ll take a day to discuss, maybe it’ll take a week,I don’t think there’s a certain time limit, but I would definitely work everything out with him.. But that’s because I know it would eat at me and I would end up blowing up about it at a later time. I think as long as you stay calm and rational during everything, there won’t be a chance of him being dishonest or hiding things from you in the future.
Post # 15
Hell, *I* was at a strip club Saturday night WITH my FI, as were several bachelor parties. Like others have said, I’d be a lot more concerned about the coke than the lap dance…which was probably 2 minutes long, viewed by the entire club and was the laughing-stock of the night. He sounds like a decent dude who had a little too much fun.
“…he told me on the phone that he felt like the purpose of a bachelor party was to make you appreciate your soon-to-be-wife even more.”
Come on, sister. He knows that’s not the point…YOU know that’s not the point. “I’m going to this club tonight with all of my drunk boys to look at possibly-strung-out naked women so I can appreciate what I have at home”? No…the point is for his friends (because 88% of the time, it’s about them) to take him out and look at a bunch of boobs and drink too much. And that’s ok.
Here is what I’m trying to say: if you are having some concerns about what went on, just tell him! Clubs are not for everyone, and if you have questions you should just ask him to be real with you, not feed you silly lines feigning ignorance about the point of the night 🙂 You’re his FI, just talk to him 🙂
Post # 16
@Laurenplusalex: +1. Drugs will never be an acceptable part of life…nor will cheating, even if someone paid for it.
My answer? Good-bye and good riddance.