Bachelor Party…Not sure how to feel

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
846 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@kay123:  Hmm. You could say “I’m not happy about what happened. I don’t mind the strip club but I’m upset by the lap dance and the coke. But I am glad that you told me and that you could be honest with me. Now let’s forget that this ever happened and move on.”

Then once he (hopefully) apologizes, accept his apology. And drop it. Let it go after that. 

Post # 4
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

For me, any illegal drug use would be an instant deal breaker. The lap dance I wouldn’t be thrilled about but could get over. I would definitely let him know you’re upset.

Post # 5
Member
6279 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i’d be more concerned about the coke than the stripclub/lap dance. 

if these friends are regular drug users, is he going to continue to hang out with them and use drugs? 

broach the subject as a concern for his health and thank him for telling you.

i would not bring up the lap dance.

Post # 6
Member
9253 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@kay123:  I understand how you feel, but it’s over and done now. 

Explain to him how you feel, and that you didn’t expect to feel this way, but the fact is you do.  Also tell him you appreciate his openness and honesty in telling you what happened. 

Ask him to seriously think about how he would feel if you had been the one to do exactly those things.  Tell him you had hoped he could be trusted to have better judgment and it makes you sad he didn’t. 

Let him know you’re disappointed but, then, really, as @LadyBlackheart: said, drop it – let it go.  And hopefully he’ll never do anything like that again.

Post # 7
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I think it’s probably just better to let this one go – he said it’s not his thing, it doesn’t seem like he’ll do either of these things again.

I totally understand why you’re uncomfortable, though – my SO went to a strip club AND tried Molly when he was abroad in South Africa a few years ago and both things really freaked me out. The strip club less so, but drugs scare me. I explained to him that due to some things that have happened in my extended family, I’m freaked out by hard drugs and knowing that he was doing them really made me fear for his safety (I know I’m kind of paranoid about it). He understood and agreed that the one time experience was enough. He hasn’t gone to a strip club or done any drugs since.

I think maybe just letting him know that you’re glad he had fun but that you’d appreciate if he stayed away from both strippers and coke in the future will suffice. It doesn’t seem like he’s really interested in trying either ever again, so it shouldn’t cause an argument or anything. If it DOES cause an argument, then I’d be more concerned – if it seemed like he really enjoyed this experience that’s a whole other thing.

Post # 8
Member
476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@LadyBlackheart:  +1 … along with a promise to never, ever do coke again.  I would be more furious with that then anything. 

 

I made my FI (now husband) promise no strip clubs and the guys all laughed at me.  Thankfully they think they are just as rediculous as I do. 

Post # 9
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Illegal drug use would be a dealbreaker. I agree with the other PP’s who say to talk to your FI about your feelings.

Post # 10
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee

*hugs* I’m so sorry OP…I totally understand the “sick and disgusted” feeling you’re talking about! I feel that way when I think about shit my bf has done before he even met me so I can’t even imagine. I think you should be as open and honest with your feelings as he was with you about his actions. Was he apologetic? Does he understand that his actions weren’t okay with you and the relationship you all have? Let him know how disrespected you feel and how disappointed you are…if he can’t grasp that, the talks need to get deeper but hopefully he’ll get it and understand.

Best of luck!

Post # 11
Member
4641 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Sorry you’re feeling down over this.. but at the end of the day, you should be thankful that you have a FI who is so open and honest with you! I’d simply let him know that I was unsure about how I felt about the whole situation and take it from there. Sounds like you guys can communicate well.

Post # 13
Member
1553 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

The cocaine would be the kicker for me. Many, many bachelor parties have the whole strip club thing involved, but the drugs? I’m not sure how I would react to that. :-

Post # 14
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I would honestly just bring it up once he’s home. Tell him what made you uncomfortable and talk through it. I’m sure he will be understanding of how you feel. I wouldn’t personally just drop it if I wasn’t comfortable on how everything ended (conversation-wise) though. Maybe it’ll take a day to discuss, maybe it’ll take a week,I don’t think there’s a certain time limit, but I would definitely work everything out with him.. But that’s because I know it would eat at me and I would end up blowing up about it at a later time. I think as long as you stay calm and rational during everything, there won’t be a chance of him being dishonest or hiding things from you in the future.

Post # 15
Member
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Hell, *I* was at a strip club Saturday night WITH my FI, as were several bachelor parties. Like others have said, I’d be a lot more concerned about the coke than the lap dance…which was probably 2 minutes long, viewed by the entire club and was the laughing-stock of the night. He sounds like a decent dude who had a little too much fun.

This, however:

“…he told me on the phone that he felt like the purpose of a bachelor party was to make you appreciate your soon-to-be-wife even more.”

Come on, sister. He knows that’s not the point…YOU know that’s not the point. “I’m going to this club tonight with all of my drunk boys to look at possibly-strung-out naked women so I can appreciate what I have at home”? No…the point is for his friends (because 88% of the time, it’s about them) to take him out and look at a bunch of boobs and drink too much. And that’s ok.

Here is what I’m trying to say: if you are having some concerns about what went on, just tell him! Clubs are not for everyone, and if you have questions you should just ask him to be real with you, not feed you silly lines feigning ignorance about the point of the night 🙂 You’re his FI, just talk to him 🙂

 

Post # 16
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Laurenplusalex:  +1. Drugs will never be an acceptable part of life…nor will cheating, even if someone paid for it.

My answer? Good-bye and good riddance.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors