Bachelorette and Bridal Shower

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@BrookeBQ:  No one should be invited to pre-wedding events who is not invited to the wedding. It feels uncomfortable to you because it is impolite.

You and your mom can host a luncheon or other get-together to spend time with these women before or after the wedding. But it would be inappropriate to invite them to the pre-wedding parties if they are not invited to the wedding itself.

Post # 4
Member
42472 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@BrookeBQ:  Many Bees will spout the theory that no one who is not invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower.

In reality, it happens all the time. Work colleagues, club members, church members, old neighbours, moms’ friends etc hold showers for the bride all the time. They know they are not invited to the wedding. They want to celebrate with you and shower you with best wishes as well as gifts.

If the ladies spoke up and want to attend your shower, I see no harm being done to anyone by extending them an invitation. Who is hosting the shower? That will be the person in charge of invitations, so even if someone thinks it is declasse, it won’t be you who is doing the inviting.

Post # 5
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@julies1949:  “They want to celebrate with you and shower you with best wishes as well as gifts.”

This line of reasoning does not make sense to me. If you want to celebrate and spend time with these people, why can’t you make a date with them to go out to lunch or drinks? Inviting them to the shower just says, “I like you enough to ask you to buy me a gift but not enough to want you at my wedding.”

Post # 6
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee

@BrookeBQ:  They already know the wedding is family only. However they still want to celebrate by coming to your shower. If they have asked let them come.

Post # 8
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@beemyname:  +1

Usually I would say no, but I think it is fine in this case. If your mom wants to invite them and they have expressed interest in participating, regardless of being invited to the wedding or not, let them come!

Post # 9
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

I think if its your moms friends and they are aware they aren’t’ invited to the wedding, I don’t see a problem with inviting them to the shower. Maybe even make note or mention that gifts are not required? That way they can buy a gift if they want, but they know you aren’t just inviting them for a gift grab

Post # 11
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Eh, if they’re insisting they want to come, and they already know the terms of the wedding, I say let them come. It’s not gift grabby. It’s just enjoying the company of more people. It would be gift grabby if you thought up a guest list of every person you knew so you could have a big shower, invited to the wedding or not.

Post # 12
Member
42472 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@BrookeBQ:  They know they are not invited to the wedding. They know it’s a shower. They know that gifts are pretty well de rigeur at a shower. They asked to be invited. I doubt they will be shocked by the etiquette “faux pas”.

Just invite them already. Don’t get hung up on this point of etiquette when you are not hung up on the etiquette of having your Mom host your shower.

Post # 13
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@BrookeBQ:  I would probably give it to them in person and say something like “a gift isnt required, I would just love if you came to celebrate with us” or similar so they get the idea that you’re wanting them to come and not their wallet. 

In reality they’ll probably get you a gift either way, but I personally think its just nice to make it clear a gift isnt why they’re invited since they arent invited to the wedding.

Post # 15
Member
2421 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

@BrookeBQ:  Meh, if they know they aren’t getting an invite to the wedding and they just want to celebrate you and give you a gift to wish you well, I’d let them come.  

Heck, my shower is being held in the party room of someone who isn’t invited to the wedding.  When she found out I was engaged she refused to take no for an answer and sought out my sister to let her know she could host the shower there.  She’s an elderly member of a friends’ family.  I see her once a year on Christmas eve.  She’s an absolutely lovely lady and super generous, but I can’t make it work with the guest list (none of the rest of this friends’ family are invited except the friend, her husband and her parents.  I grew up down the street from them and the friend is my sister’s best friend.  This woman is the friends’ elderly grandmother’s sister in law.) 

I think its fine if they know up front that there’s no invite and they ask to attend the shower/bachelorette.  I think its completely different if the host just simply invites them.  

Post # 16
Member
1649 posts
Bumble bee

@BrookeBQ:  Etiquette does not forbid a hostess from inviting people to something that they want to be invited to, out of respect for the people whose desires are being flouted! Etiquette is not so silly — and not so black and white.

The ladies want to come. Your mother — she is hosting? Well, I will roll with the punches and not object — is kindly asking you, the guest of honour, if you will be comfortable with them there. Well, as a guest, your proper role is to say as much as possible “how nice, yes, whatever you have planned, it all sounds so lovely.” You are not co-hosting your own shower, so it isn’t really your place to worry about the etiquette of who gets invited. Turns out that you are, indeed, comfortable with having them there, so do not raise objections to the hostess’s plans. You’re good.

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