Bachelorette Party–Gone Wrong???

posted 2 years ago in Parties
Post # 2
3623 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

tobewed99:  Was it the best life choice? No. But it was her bachelorette party and she did not cheat or do anything inapproriate.

At most bachelorette parties I have been at, the bride has no control over the plans and is given a lot of grief is she wants to leave early or want to go home. It sounds like she followed along and they had fun, but never crossed the line.

What do you think happened? What about this concerns you? If it was a random Tuesday I could absolutely see the concern– just like I could see the concern if she want home with another guy and no friends. But with a group? That seems okay.

Also, as far as not stopping her friend. I have been there and there is normally a whole bunch more to the story. Sometimes it is really hard to stop them without seeming like a prude and every couple has different rules in their marriage. Kissing another guy might have been fine with her husband. 

I feel strongly about cheating, but I don’t see it inappropriate at all. I don’t even see what the issue is. Is there more to the story or something else that has happened while you were dating that you do not trust her? Do you think there is more to the story?

Post # 3
3248 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I disagree with the PP and think it’s very very inappropriate. I cannot even fathom going to another man’s house after a night of drinking. I bet she is embarassed and not really sure how things escalated that far.

Regardless, it’s hard to believe that she didn’t know that behavior would be unacceptable. Even if she was under the influence of alcohol, it really shouldn’t matter. She is an adult and should know how to say no.

I would make sure she knows how inappropriate it is, and how you are hurt, especially since you thought you had agreed upon certain boundaries.

The ball is in your court now as far as how to proceed. If it were me I would ask her to go to a counseling session with me to know how to work through it. Best of luck!

Post # 4
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

SUPER inappropriate! I would be furious. Even if her other friends went along to the guys house, she is a big girl and could have said no. Her excuse is lame, I don’t know ANY well functioning coupld that would be OK with that kind of behaviour from their SO.

Gut reaction is she did something that she’s not proud of, maybe that’s going to the guys house… maybe more. I’ve been cheated on too… so I tend to go to worst case scenario, but she’s your FI, not mine and you know her best.

Btw… my ex, who cheated on me, was cheated on as well… that’s why it was so shocking. He used to constantly tell me how hurt he was and how he’d never make me feel like that. Then he did, hmmm.

Post # 5
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

It’s understandable for you to feel mildly upset about this, but from what you said it doesn’t sound like your fiance did anything wrong or to breach your trust (especially since it seems like she told you everything that happened). I agree with @Pollywog that at your own bachelorette party you’re sort of peer pressured into staying out the entire night and going along with whatever the other girls want to do. It is indeed strange that the married friends wanted to go to this guy’s house and then kissed him but this has nothing to do with your fiance, and every relationship is different. This does not sound like a deal breaker to me, or something worth ruining your relationship over. I understand you don’t want to think about the opposite sex being involved in your fiance’s bach party but sometimes that happens and you should forgive her and move forward. Honestly, her behavior does not raise any red flags to me. She was sort of peer pressured by her friends (when she was already very drunk and tired) to go to the guy’s house and she didn’t do anything wrong. 

Post # 6
975 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Banff, Alberta

What do you mean “why didn’t she stop her friend”, like physically restrain her? Force her not to kiss him? If you are so sure she didn’t cheat I don’t understand what she did wrong. Go to someone’s house after having a night of fun, is it because they are male? 

Post # 7
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Whoa – it’s not your fiancee’s job to stop her friend from making poor choices at her own bachelorette. She might have told her friend it was a bad idea, but they are all adult women and everyone gets to make her own choice.

And your fiancee probably didn’t think it was a huge deal to go hang out at the house of some guy they’d just met with a group of friends. It’s not like it was one-on-one. It was a group of people, all coming down off a night out. 

You are reading way too much into this. It’s a bachelorette, not a church social. The only issue to tackle here is why you’re so quick to judge her and assume the worst.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  anonybee0810.
Post # 8
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

tobewed99:  interesting responses you’re getting. Personally, I simply would not put myself in a situation where I would be going to some guy’s house after the bars are closed. I’d be calling my FI to come pick me up – and I’d be pissed off as hell at my friends. Sure, it’s a bachelorette party. Sure, a night out of drinking is fine. But the entire scenario you painted – a few committed women going to a guy’s house that they met at the bar? I’m sorry but in my opinion it sure shows the character of your FI. If she feels as strongly about cheating as she claims, she would have not been in that situation, if anything for your peace of mind. I seriously wonder whether she’s telling the truth about not doing anything that could be considered unfaithful that night.

If my FI had done this, I don’t think I could go through with the wedding. 

Post # 9
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I’d be most pissed about the safety issue – going to a guys house that they have just met after having been drinking?! What was she thinking.

Post # 10
4638 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I would be just as pissed as you are, if not more. 

I wouldn’t want my fiancé in the house of a female he just met, nor would I be in a situation where I’d be a strange mans home. I wouldn’t personally go through with marrying someone who made such poor choices and risked losing the trust of their fiancé. I’ve never been out for the night and ended up at strangers home… that’s gross and disrespectful of your relationship. 

Post # 11
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

While I understand your concern for her behavior and I agree I would not be okay with that behavior, I don’t think you can be upset with her for not stop her friend from what she did; she is not your friend’s babysitter. 

Post # 12
6685 posts
Bee Keeper

Wow. I can only imagine the responses if the genders were reversed and some guys had gone off with some women they picked up at the bar after his bachelor party. Anyway, I don’t think you are out of line to feel the way you do.  At the very least this goes to incredibly poor judgment, but just as troubling or more is that FI is so defensive and actually suggesting that three women going to the home of some strange guys was either safe or appropriate. 

It’s possible that your values are not as compatible as you thought. With the wedding three weeks away,and without knowing FI,  it’s impossible to know what to suggest other than counseling or serious conversation about boundaries and responsible behavior. 


Post # 13
7289 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Well I think given the situation your FI did the right thing. Instead of abandoning a friend to go home with 2 strangers your FI and her other friend went with the friend that was probably so drunk she wasn’t going to be talked out of doing it, to make sure she was safe. I have done that for friends, albeit not to a strangers house, but I would never abandon a friend who was clearly making poor choices just because I didn’t agree with them. I would go with them and try and do everything I could to make sure they didn’t get into serious trouble. 

Post # 14
14 posts

I think I would, too, be angry about this but I think j_jaye makes a good point.  If everyone was drunk and I was the most sober person, I would have gone with my friends to keep them safe.  I wouldn’t leave a friend behind.  I also probably would have texted the FI to let him know I needed help (assuming he was safe to drive).  I don’t think I would have left him out of the loop.

I think if you trust her, that’s fine but it’s okay to feel upset.  I would not berate her about why she didn’t stop things from happening between her friend and rando guy.  She probably felt really uncomfortable and couldn’t do much.  But I really do think you need to talk to her about WHY she went there.  If it was because she felt she couldn’t leave or she felt she had to help her friends, I would lay off a bit.

But, yes, in short, if my FI did this, I would be angry with him.  I really trust him so him being there wouldn’t bother me as much as him being there and not letting me know where he was in a dicey situation that I maybe could have helped him with.

Post # 15
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

I think you have every right to be upset that she drank to the point where she ended up at some random guys house.  The other friend is not your problem, but your wife’s actions are.  I don’t blame her for not getting involved in the situation with her friend, frankly because her friend is an adult and can make her own bad choices.  However, your wife’s choice to go to a guys house who she doesn’t know after having drinks is questionable at best.  I would’ve told them that it’s my bachelorette and I have no desire to end with hanging out with random guys and would’ve expected my friends to respect that.

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