Post # 1
*Rant* Sorry ahead of time at the length!
Two weekends ago I had my Bachelorette party in Las Vegas. The week before my life came crumbling down. I had major family medical emergencies my mother suffered a stroke and I spend 5 nights in the hospital with her and we learned it was because she struggled with substance abuse for a majority of my life and no one knew… so needless to say I had not been in my own bed for almost a week, my bachelorette party was quickly approaching AND I had just learned some life changing facts.
I had a cousin ( a BM) from the East Coast staying at my house and was actually pretty lucky to have her support through all of this.
I really did not want to go to Vegas, but I felt obligated as my cousin was in town for the trip, another BM was flying in for the trip and my other bridesmaids had already paid for hotel and shows. My FI called all my BM’s and let them know that I was in a very fragile state and instead of ‘raging’ in Vegas I would probably appreciate more girl time laying at the pool and going to see shows rather than the planned pool parties and night clubs. The very first night I came into the room and one of the BM’s had random guys in hotel room. They were very drunk and were doing drugs. I was livid and my cousin went into ‘family’ mode and protected me as best as she could. We ended up leaving the room: My cousin, my Moh and I went to a near by hotel and talked with a manager about how our night was playing out.. he ended up giving us a HUGE suite at the Cosmopolitan that had not been booked for $200 a night!!! It was a GREAT deal and the three of us had a BLAST all weekend.
Now onto the other two girls who stayed in the original hotel room… I one of them called me the next morning so angry that we went to another hotel room. I explained that their behavior was not positive and that everything I had been through with my mom the past week with drugs. It was insensitive of them to bring GUYS and DRUGS into my room for my BACHELORETTE weekend (this was the girl who actually brought the guys and drugs lets call her BM1… the other one who stayed was just really close to her and didnt want to leave her alone we’ll call her BM2)
Anyway… the last morning I get a text from BM1 saying ” I wanted to talk to you in person this weekend but obviously thats not going to happen, I think its best that you find two new bridesmaids for your wedding.. we’re done” She was totally speaking for BM2. I was hurt but I didn’t respond, because truthfully I did not want BM1 to even be around me… a few days later I met with BM2 to talk things over let her know that BM1 said they both no longer wanted to be in the wedding but I wanted to talk with BM2 before any final decisions were made as BM1 spoke on behalf of BM2. BM1 let me know that she was sad that I had left to another hotel and she did not get to spend the weekend with me but of course she wanted to be in the wedding. So I took it as that, BM1 decided to be out and BM2 was still in my bridal party.
Yesterday I get a long text from BM1 not apologizing but saying she missed me and thinks the weekend was a misscommunication and wants to be in the wedding still etc… My feelings are this 1. YOU told me you didnt want to be in the wedding, I didnt kick you out. 2. YOU brought drugs and random men into my hotel room. I truthfully don’t want to patch things up with her, I have way too much going on in my life right now to make this a priority. My wedding is in 3 weeks!!!
I have not responded to BM1… how would you respond? What do I do?
Thanks for any input!
Post # 2
First off, I’m so sorry to hear abotu your mom…how is she doing now? Secondly…Ugh…I would be SO pissed at BM1, even if you didn’t already have your mom’s situation going on. How incredibly insensitive and rude of her.
You should communicate to her how hurt you were, given what else is going on in your life, and that she made the decision to drop out of your wedding and since then, you have decided it’s probably the best that she did so. I’d have no tolerance for a “friend” like that…awful.
Will you need to replace her? Or will you just have 1 less girl?
Post # 3
britty: People make mistakes . It comes down to your choice- do you want to salvage the friendship or not?
Post # 4
Woooooow! Ok in my circle of friends the hen party is about the bride not random men and defo not drugs considering circumstances. It sounds like shes a b it self absorbed. If you dont feel you want her as a bm thats your choice tell her sorry but after she backed out you sold her dress? Or maybe just be honest and say your stressed and dont need the hassle. Sorry about your mum x
Post # 5
Tell her she’s welcome to come as a guest if she’d like… I mean, if you want her there. I probably wouldn’t, but.
Post # 6
Wow! Im sorry to hear about everything you’re going through. I totally understand you in this situation and I would definitely just leave it alone. BM1 brought it upon herself to act out even knowing about your situation. You are too close to your wedding to be patching anything and I would simply just tell her sorry I can’t go through with having you by my side.
Post # 7
Ryansgirl: moms doing okay now. She is still recovering from the stroke. And she is staying with her family back east while she recovers then she will hopefully go into a treatment program. We’re not even sure if she’ll make it to my wedding which is devastating. As for the bridesmaid, I won’t need to replace her I had one BM up of FI anyway so now the numbers work evenly.
julies1949: I understand people make mistakes… But she hasn’t even completely owned up to it. I’m not sure the friendship is worth salvaging at this point.
Post # 8
WOW. GIRLS. First off, so sorry you’re dealing with family issues. TWO: incredibly insensitive BM1 and BM2. Three: why all the drama?! (not you, but your bridesmaids). I don’t get girls. It’s your weekend, your bachelorette. The one weekend where it SHOULD be pretty much about your wants and needs. WTF. I’d have a heart to heart with them and see where it goes. I wouldn’t be so quick to forgive and certainly wouldn’t forget. IMO.
Post # 9
britty: so sorry to hear about your mother. Glad she’s on the mend.
There is no way on this planet that if one of my BM’s acted this way would she still be in my bridal party! As it was your bachelorette she should have respected what you wanted which was a chilled time in Vegas watching a few shows!
I would have been livid if that was me.
She decided to message you saying she and BM2 No longer wanted to be a part of your day. Who was she to speak on someone else’s behalf?
BM2 wants to be part of your day after clarification and now suddenly BM1 wants to be too? Sorry would cut it for me!
If I was you I would let het be a guest but no way would I associate myself with someone who did that on my bachelorette!
Hope things work out for you 🙂
Post # 10
I can entirely understand if you don’t want deal with or see BM1 at all right now.
But, if you think you can handle it, I recommend meeting up with her for coffee or lunch and see what she says. If she takes the initiative to apologize sincerely, then maybe consider her place in the wedding.
If she trys to justify her behavior or only wants to talk about being a bridesmaid without any sign of apology, then just tell her that you agree that its best that she not be a bridesmaid (after all, she came up with the idea of dropping out first!). If you still want to have her around at all, you can invite her as a guest.
Post # 11
britty: I’m so sorry about what’s happening with your family, that’s terrible.
I think you need to decide if it’s going to be more emotionally draining to be around this person right now, or if it’ll be more draining to sever the relationship. Choose whatever is easier for you right now. I also went through an acute family medical crisis recently and I know that I had exactly 0 emotional bandwidth for anything else at the time.
If you think it’s going to be easier on you to cut her out I’d say, “BM1, I’m going through one of the most difficult times in my life right now and I really don’t have time for this added stress. You removed yourself from the wedding party and I’m not asking you to rejoin. I hope we can repair our friendship in the future, but I can’t handle this right now.”
If you think it’d be easier to just keep the peace then, “Let’s meet up for coffee and clear the air. You’re one of my oldest friends, I’m sure we can patch things up.”
Post # 12
I wouldn’t refer to that as a ‘mistake’… Its hardly a whoopsy there’s guys AND drugs here, my bad. Its just trashy behavior and very selfish considering the weekend was supposed to be about you.
I think you need to decide if you want to keep her friendship. If so, meet up with her and see what she has to say and go from there.
Post # 13
britty: So Sorry you put up with that. You mentioned that you weren’t a big fan of BM1, so I don’t think you should have her in your wedding. I agree with other people that you could welcome her as a guest.