- 6 years ago
I was the easiest going bride ever. I basically chose a color of a dress and let the BM’s choose the style, their jewelry, shoe and how they wanted to wear their hair. I did all planning pretty much on my own and expected close to nothing from anyone except one day of friends helping me put together a few decorations. On to the situation…
I live far away from several of the girls & BM’s I invited to my wedding and be a part of my day. Because of this, I arranged to have my bachelorette party in the state that they live in to make it more convenient and less expensive for them to attend. I also knew that because my wedding was being held far away from where they live, most of those guests would not be able to attend the actual wedding, so this was a way to celebrate with them.
My Maid/Matron of Honor and I decided to notify all the girls, including BM’s, of the bachelorette plans several months in advance. In November, my Maid/Matron of Honor let all the girls know the DATE, location of the party, costs and all plans etc. Some girls expressed right away that they would be unable to make it, which was to be expected, but all of my closest friends and all BM’s were still on board as of January. I, along with another bridesmaid who lives in the same area as me, bought our plane tickets for the March bachelorette party and solidified our plans.
No one had ever expressed an issue with location, costs or the date to me or my Maid/Matron of Honor. About 3 weeks prior to the party I started receiving emails of several girls flaking on the event. I was very upset and was scrambling to try to salvage something. Many were complaining of the cost, it would have been $60/person for the condo we were sharing, and making all sorts of excuses. Feeling badly, I decided to shift things around to make things more accommodating for everyone to feel comfortable with the plans- one night would be spent at our friend’s house which would essentially be no cost and the next night we would continue with the original plan to stay at the beach. I thought this was a fair compromise and make things even more affordable. Everyone, minus 3 girls, then emailed me saying they could only make it to the free event and not attend the beach. This was just not what I had planned and found it very unfair/selfish that I was being made to change everything for people who had agreed to a beach weekend months ago. Not to mention, we had arranged our flights to arrive in a city near the beach and my friend’s house was 3 hours north of where we were landing. We would have had to incur even more expense by renting a car to accommodate the others, since no one would have picked us up.
I then heard one of my BM’s was not going to be able to attend the beach night, which was the main night I was looking forward to and the actual party, but was going to come to the free night at our friend’s. She told me she had agreed to attend another friend of her’s, whose wedding she was in, engagement party the night we were supposed to go to the beach. I found this incredibly unfair. She had agreed to the date of my bachelorette weekend months ago and never confronted me about a conflict in the dates of the events. Had she told me an important friend of hers was having an event the same weekend I would have worked with changing the date of my party, since it was important to me for her to attend. I had never heard of her having a conflict that weekend and the first I had heard of it was through a mutual friend of ours, so my Bridesmaid or Best Man did not even approach me about it in the first place. I tried to approach her and tell her how hurt I was that she would not be attending the whole weekend. She told me I should not be so selfish and that there were other events in the world besides mine, along with telling me I was dramatic.
I decided to try to let it go and see what happens, but I was clearly upset. Plus, a bachelorette party is an important tradition and I feel she could have also spoken to her other friend telling her she had already committed to an important event that weekend. Maybe her friend could have worked to change the date of her party? Either way, if everyone else bailed on my party, I figured that at least I would celebrate with my bridesmaids. This Bridesmaid or Best Man did not seem to think it mattered that she held that position in my the wedding and that I was unfairly upset with her and not the others. I was disappointed with the others and let them know that, but when everyone else bailed on me with basically no notice, I figured my bridesmaids would be there to support me.
I told my Maid/Matron of Honor to cancel the entire weekend down at the beach bc nothing was turning out as planned, so she sent out an email saying how disappointed she was in what had happened and how what was supposed to be a nice event for me turned ugly. The whole thing was no longer enjoyable for me. I cancelled my flight, my other Bridesmaid or Best Man had to cancel her flight and I was completely distraught, crying for days. The Bridesmaid or Best Man who had a conflicting event replied to my MOH’s email (my Maid/Matron of Honor is like a sister to me) and got into a back and forth war of words with her basically telling her I should get over it and have the “unplanned thrown together” party at the friends house and be happy about it and that it doesn’t matter that plans changed. She also told my Maid/Matron of Honor that the beach location I chose was boring and not fun.
I decided I was up against a difficult decision. Do I keep this person in my wedding after talking to both me and my Maid/Matron of Honor badly and having a complete lack of respect for the fact that I did everything I could to accommodate everyone or do I ask her to step down? I decided to try to speak with her again and give her a chance to explain and apologize/work things out. We spoke on the phone and there was quite a bit of name calling and hurtful things said. She said she had done nothing wrong and was being honest. I told her I expected more of her as a friend and bridesmaid and this really hurt. I told her all I was looking for was an apology and she said “well, you’re not getting one. Everyone thinks you’re ridiculous.” I, ultimately, after a long and frustrating conversation that was going in circles, decided to ask her to step down. I have not spoken to her since. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through because I am a very sensitive person and take my friendships very seriously. I just couldn’t go on with things the way there were and have this person standing beside me on such a special day after, what I think, she showed me how little she thought of me.
I ended up having my wonderful local friends throw me a lovely party, that my Bridesmaid or Best Man here helped coordinate. My Maid/Matron of Honor flew up a few weeks later and spent a long weekend with me to celebrate. Although the ordeal was very painful and left me very hurt, I am so thankful for those that showed how much they loved me and were there for me.