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Well do not fear! This happened on my ill-fated trip to Jamaica this spring. I was actually pissed and got mad at him after we touched down and we were in the kitchen at his house. But then again, we'd had a nightmarish sort of trip that is probably now well-documented in the Tripadvisor "hall of shame" because of everything that went wrong that could possibly go wrong when we had our beautiful villa get away. Kinda glad we didn't get engaged then ya know?
You're not alone. But know it's going to happen in good time. I know mine's pending soon and it's about six months or so after that darn trip. Hang in there!
Thanks bellenga! Yeah our trip started out pretty badly - delayed flight & luggage, taxi scam...but we defintiely made the best of it. Sorry to hear your trip to Jamaica was so hellish! What a nightmare! I love TripAdvisor though. Did you get any positive compensation from any of it?
Your patience is remarkable though. I don't know if I can wait 6 months... I'll be turning 30 in 5 months, and in the midst of job hell where I'll be travelling for at least 1-2 weeks out of every month until early summer. And if there's no ring by March, I may have to take some drastic measures...
My partner didn't propose on our romantic Hawaiian vacation. He waited until the week after when we were in my office on a Saturday night. It wasn't romantic by any standard definition, but he said it felt perfectly right when he did it.
I always get nervous when people expect the proposal, because it often leads to a let-down. Hang in there, try not to think about it too much and let it happen organically :)
I'm sorry :( I kind of know what that's like. My FI had only been together 8 months in a LDR when we discussed the possibility of me moving. It was a good time, I had just been laid off, so we decided I would look for jobs in both cities (they are 2 hours apart) and go from there. Then I had a change of heart and decided I was absolutely not moving my life for this guy I loved so much, unless there was a ring on my finger. I got his word I would get one, decided that sufficed and made the move. Over a year later I was still waiting for him to make good on that promise and getting more resentful by the day. I struggled with feeling stupid for moving before I got the ring and I finally broke and let him have it. It might not have been my finest moment, but I couldn't hold what I was feeling in anymore. I told him how I was feeling and he finally understood just how important those vows are to me. That conversation led to some truthful and tearful, hard discussions about finances, future plans, etc. We worked through it and moved on. I stopped focusing on it so much (it was of course always in the back of my mind) and decided to trust in him that he would come through. About 4 months later I had a ring. At the end of it, I don't really know what my advice to you would be after going through that whole story, except that if you know in your heart it's going to happen, it's worth the frustration in the wait. It's also ok to tell him exactly how the waiting is making you feel. Best of luck to you and know that no matter what happens, things have a way of working themselves out for the better.
Oh, and we took romantic trips to the Bahamas and Japan with no ring, so I understand that hopeful feeling!
I'm sorry :( What a let down. Has your SO given any indication that he's at least thinking about it or that your relationship is heading in that direction? I wouldn't call it quits unless you have no indication whatsoever that he has any interest in marrying you. I can imagine it's on your mind a lot, and I'm so so sorry. I hope he gets his butt into gear! What do your "marriage talks" usually look like?
eryepye - i'm the same way. i was sort at that point a couple of months ago and decided to take the high road and just had a calm discussion about our future. i can be a bit an emotional basketcase from time to time, which tends to be heightened by work stress and other stuff going on in life.
sunshinebride - we have had exactly one conversation about getting married, and that happened just under two months ago. and that was only because i freaked out after hanging out with the abovementioned friend and he started talking about proposing to his gf. he said he completely wants to marry me, loves me, blah blah blah, and when i point blank asked him about what his timeline was, all he gave me was "Sooner rather than later." and there have been no conversations since. so aside from having a meltdown, i'm stuck in this craptacular holding pattern... i had been able to put engagement/wedding thoughts on the backburner for a bit, but now it has crept back in in a big way :(
Ugh, I'm so sorry! I can remember feeling that way and it nearly brings me to tears. It's truly a very difficult time. I wish I could offer you more comfort, but having been there, I know only one thing will help and it's that darn ring! You're in this limbo between wanting your needs met and letting him know, but not wanting to literally force him into it. Is it so much to ask that the men we would do anything for would make a committment without us telling them to!? At the very least, he's open to talking about it with you and has expressed feelings of wanting what you want (marriage), right? Keep your chin up, lovely. Even though it can look bleak, as long as you're sure he's not giving you lip-service, it will happen.
Well the reason I know that I can wait is he's been paying off the ring for a while now. It's about done. He let the cat out of the bag.
I would not worry as long as you know that this is something you both want. If he hasn't brought it up, I'd initiate the conversation and then drop it. See where he's standing and what he thinks is a reasonable time frame. You don't want to pressure, but imho it's good to know his intent.
Hi Jaxx,. thanks for your post and support. I'm actually feeling better after reading this thread that you started. It's comforting to know I'm not the only girl with a BF who is shuffling his feet. We've had several conversations since last spring and a few of my hissy fits. I started getting disapointed and depressed after pretty much every Monday came along and I still have no ring on my finger. However, this past weekend, I knew I would not be getting engaged, because it was my sons birthday. I know he would never do it when he knows it would overshadow another event. I'm actually relaxed today and we had an awesome weekend.
He knows D-Day is April and I know that he's serious about us being together. So, for now, I'm giving him a break and myself a break until at least January. I look forward to many stress free weekends until then. I'm going to stop thinking that he may pop the ring box out at any moment and say those majical words to me. I'm glad I actually was able to release myself from the expectation and really just enjoy his company this past weekend and have no other expectation of him. Hopefully I will be able to stick to this plan and stop driving myself and him nuts for at least a little while. 
I'm not sure what you can do since you're already living together, without giving an altamatum and moving out. Maybe you can figure out something you are looking foreward to. Turning thirty is certainly a milestone but how to word your need for being engaged by that time may be a bit tricky.
If its only been two months since you talked about marriage, you need to be patient. Which is hard I know. Was this the first time you talked to him about marriage?
I'm also a little concerned that you are comparing how long you and BF have been dating to the length of time other couples have dated before getting engaged. Getting engaged and married isn't a race.
@Jaxx: Sigh... I completely know what you are feeling and going through. Sooner rather than later is exactly what M told me. We had an interesting conversation yesterday with him ending it saying I am selfish because I'm ruining HIS surprise for me. Yeah I felt really LARGE when he said that. He too told me sooner than later, and then he said five years and then he said we'd been together 3 years already and i've known him since he was 29... LOL we've known each other 2 years and I met him when he was nearly 31. Let's just say I'm totally confused with our conversation from yesterday and am pretty sure I was given the run around after he confessed: "I've been contradicting myself this entire conversation. I don't know why you are so upset" it ended with me laughing at him and going whatever you suck.
I can promise you that if his best friend is getting engaged then he is sure as heck thinking about it. It's impossible for him not to be. Seriously he may have a surprise up his sleeves, but why not ask him if he knows what kind of ring his best friend is getting for his girlfriend, and does his best friend need help with jewelry selection, etc because you'll definitely help since you know a tad bit about jewelry (if you don't, google baby!!). that opens up conversations like wow i really don't like x cut diamond, but i think that xy cut is a much prettier cut, what do you think? And that may open up the lines of communication with him. I definitely think if this is something that will end the relationship, he needs to know.
For me it went something like I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I don't want to be your girlfriend for the rest of my life. I want to be happy with you and being your wife will make me happy. I am about to turn 30 and that is very scary for me because I don't want to be 31 and not be engaged and planning to spend the rest of my life with you. We haven't really talked about this and I just wanted you to know how important this is for me so that we are on the same page. You don't have to say anything right now but we definitely need to have a conversation about this in a week or so to make sure we are moving towards the same goal.
@texasmeredith: yes, this was the first time we had a serious conversation. he's joked about proposing to me a couple times since we've been together, but the last time he did that was well over a year ago. i know two months is a short time, but i am also REALLY starting to feel antsy because we have been living together for two years and i am increasingly feeling like i'm going to be a girlfriend forever. and the longer we are together, the more frustrated i get with his general lack of motivation when it comes to us and our relationship. a good example: he has sent me flowers on Valentine's Day every year since we've been together except for this year. no explanation, no "Sorry I forgot," no nothing. we went home to visit his family that weekend but he could have sent something the day before or done something nice the day of - even his sister's husband got up early to go get flowers for her! but no, i got nothing. it's not that i'm getting bored per se, but i feel like we've hit a relationship plateau. compounded with several things: 1) our 4-yr anniversary is coming up in a month - he never does anything special for it, which has always bothered me (it always translates to me that it's not important to him), and i expect this year won't be any different (in fact i may just make plans to do something w/out him); 2) i'm turning 30 very soon which is scary for a whole host of reasons; and 3) i won't be around very much come january because of work (think living out of a hotel room and eating out every night for 10 days to two weeks at a time every month for 4 months!).
i totally get that people are (and should be) on their own relationship tracks and timelines, but it becomes increasingly hard not compare one's self to others when you are literally almost the last one left (of my close friends from high school, last one; of my close friends from college, one of two remaining; of his close high school friends, he's the last; of his immediately family, he's the last)!!!!! i know it's not a race, it's just a VERY unpleasant reminder that we're not engaged or married yet. that said, when we last had our conversation, he had just barely started thinking about it and hasn't really even started saving any money :( we even talked about opening a joint CD or something similar to start putting away money together, but that hasn't even happened yet. i know i could start the process myself, but i don't really want to do it without him because he's more a afficiando about that stuff than i am and money on my end is super tight these days so i can't even contribute very much. i just kinda feel crappy about everything all around. i know it will pass - it's just one of those days for me that it all kinda hits you at once.
@crebre80: wow - i'm glad i'm not the only who gets annoying vague answers! although i would probably feel a little bad if i were in your shoes too! i'm not very good at bringing stuff like this up... without being totally over-emotional. i know it sounds dumb. i think it's going to come down to something similar - i'll tell him i don't want to be his girlfriend forever. and admittedly i do feel a little selfish for feeling this way but i can't help it.
@sheelz - i'm glad your son's birthday was a fun event that seems to have taken your mind off things! i don't really have much to look forward to over the next couple of months, but who knows. i think i need more friends! or something else to distract me...
sheelz - that is funny! i've actually been bugging him becasue I reeeallly want to get a cat but he doesn't want to deal with a stinky litterbox. he claims we don't have a good place for it. i know personally that there have been significant advances in cat litter but he isn't convinced :( another strike against him!
and unfortunately, neither of our schedules nor our generally proximity from work to our apt are conducive to hosting a dog. damned if i do, damned if i don't!
Update - there has been progress! Something must have finally clicked in his brain that he needs to start getting a move on this whole process! Took me totally by surprise but two nights ago at dinner, we were sitting at the table and and he goes, "So I wanted to talk about rings. I realize that there is no good way for me to find out what your ring size is since you never wear rings on either of your ring fingers, so if you could find out and let me know, that would be good. Also, I realized that I don't know much of anything about engagements rings, so do you have any ideas about what you'd like? I just want to make sure I get you something you want." I felt small (for having been a moody misfit for the past couple of days before this) and giggly/excited at the same time! It seems like the "Engagement Blitz" that crebre80 mentioned in another post is starting to hit him and he's realizing that he should start doing his homework. Eeee! I actually don't even know what my ring size is, so I told him I would go get measured. I also said that I wasn't really sure what I wanted but that all I knew at this point was that I didn't want a solitaire (which is true, but besides that, even though I have been looking online at e-rings for like, the last year, I have nooo idea what I would want). So I have a "date" with a friend of mine to go to a jewelry store to get measured and and to start trying on some stuff to see what I want! I can actually start "shopping" for reals!
Wonderful news!! I'm sure you'll be making an even bigger annoucement in the new few months!
Oh good glad that he's talking to you about it! Don't stress too much we went to Hawaii in April and I just knew it would happen then. It didn't. I threw a small fit on our hike to the waterfall. You read that right! He proposed 3 weeks later on Mother's Day. Wanted to do it when I least expected it.
Oh I remember those days, like coming back from our swoon-worthy vacation in the mexican riviera with ALLLLLL his family. Romantic location, family, perfect timing... i guess not. That feeling does suck!!! Chin up!
Sounds familiar to me too... We went on a cruise in June and all 3 other couples at our dinner table were on their honeymoon. I think the cruise line figured we were on our honeymoon too and thought they were doing everyone a favor by seating all these newlyweds together.
awww thanks bees!! i'm starting to feel way better about thingsi think a lot of you were right in that his best friend's engagement is probably spurring him on. he actually told me yesterday that he opened an online savings account. he's been talking about saving money even before we had our first "when are we getting married?" talk, but i'm guessing all this ring talk has gotten him thinking he needs to start stashing the cash! he's also been SUPER lovey dovey lately (which is kind of his way of letting me know that he does really love me as much as he says he does) and the funniest part is that i actually opened up a savings account yesterday too! the idea was for us both to open one together, but i think we can evolve that next year (when I actually have something to save!).
i can finally stop daydreaming about rings and "shopping" for real!
@speechie - i swear to god the last 3 vacations we've been on, we've been called honeymooners or people assume we're on our honeymoon! it must be our collective loving glows! this last trip, we decided that next time, we're just gonna milk it and try to get as many deals/bonuses/packages/specials as we can!
Yay! I think sometimes guys don't process information the same way we do. Like, they need to sit on it and think alone for a while, whereas women are more likely to talk about what they're thinking to anyone and everyone. So just because he hadn't been talking about it doesn't mean he wasn't thinking about it!
I'm excited for you!!!
I have to say I've been there too. We got engaged the past August ... but we took a trip to Italy (Rome) in May?!! I for SURE thought it was going to happen there and I have to say I was pretty miffled (but tried not to show it) when it didn't. Instead, it happened 3 months later at one of my favorite resturants in town. We did top of a "celebration" trip to Mexico with his parents that was pre-planned in September so I have to believe there was some method to the madness. :-)
Hang in there! Honestly... the "waiting for the ring" when you know it's just around the corner is a great time. All the exicting stuff is still ahead! And it's super fun to look around to see which rings you like too!
Oh, I've been there and know how much it hurts and is disappointing. We went on a trip in June and the entire time we were there the room safe was locked. I kept waiting and waiting for him to propose. Nothing happened. I spent the entire trip home pouting (which I am now rather ashamed of!) and went to work the next day to find out one of my co-workers had gotten engaged, which led to more disappointment. It is way easier said than done, but I had to stop viewing every night out, trip, whatever as a potential proposal moment. Even the morning he proposed when I had a what if he is going to propose moment I shoved it out of mind because I didn't want to potentially ruin the day.
It sounds like things will be happening for you, and all you can do is be patient. Easy for me to say! Wedding planning is a whole new level of craziness, so enjoy where you are today.
@jaxx-- that happened to us too on our vacation. we had to explain at least 48 times that we were neither married nor on our honeymoon. i decided that mexicans dont travel with anyone they're not married to? lol
and congrats!!!
corgi - i guess not. either that or they just assume that the only reason young couples go to mexico (w/out kids) is because they just got married! god forbid you travel with someone of the opposite sex without any commitments!
but the big congrats goes to you! you must be thrilled that your waiting game is over!
i'm hoping my turn will be during the engagement blitz season, but i am doubtful it will happen by the end of the year. it will depend on how soon he feels he's saved enough. hopefully it will be sooner rather than later when he sees that what i want doesn't cost a lot (just about everything i've seen that i like is really under $2K)! my new goal is by Valentine's Day next year.
just wanted to offer support and say, hang in there! i don't really have any advice since most would say i got engaged too young, too soon. [and they're probably right, but we lucked out and things have developed in our favor. did i mention a lot of that was luck? lol.]
but many times, i wish we had been the couple to wait five, ten years! although im happy with the way things turned out, i just think its so amazing and sweet to see couples who have been together for so long tie the knot. it is really beautiful. and great to experience each moment in its own..dating, waiting, engagement, marriage, etc, and all those in between. so when i see some friends/family who waited a long time to get married, it has this complete feeling to it, and it just makes everyone around them so touched and happy! am i making any sense? its hard to describe, but i PROMISE, i am telling the truth, and not just saying this to make you feel better! BUT i hope that by now you are feeling better and more relaxed! and i hope all works out for the best for you! :)
oh and hey, if nothing happens by when you need it to. honestly. id sit him down and be say the same thing that crebre80 said! he needs to know. anyway, feel better, and good luck.
if it makes you feel any better my SO waited 8.5 years to propose. I thought it would never happen. i was getting so angry it seemed everyone else was getting married bar me. I remember saying that if I heard about another friend getting married who had been with there partner for less than 2 years i was going to scream, i thought t would end up ruining it by demanding that he did it. I decided to forget about it and consentrate on other things. And thats when it happened, it took me completely by surprise, He planned a weekened away at a lovely resort by the sea and proposed on bended knee on a cliff over looking the ocean. I was speachless. Everyone was like how on earth did u not see that coming? and I was like "well its not the first time we've spent a weekened away in the past 8.5 years!" lol
Dont worry, forget about it, enjoy life and when u least expect it it will happen.
Just dont push it or u will taint it.
Ok... I understand your frustration, but you need to chill a bit. If you pressure him into proposing, its not going to be a sincere proposal like i'm sure he wants to give you. He may even come to resent you for it and you do not want that to taint the first years of your marriage.
hiya jaxx!! i definitely don't think that you have pressured him in any way, i think you're the farthest from that, after all he asked you for your ring size and what you'd like. btw that sounds a LOT like what the websites tell him to do. it's especially cute that he said you wear no rings for me to get your input. I definitely think it will happen for you really soon, and hey engagement blitz ends in february, not december!
Jaxx317 -
I am so sorry, that must be disheartening. I certainly know where you are in feeling that way, I was in the same position you are a year ago (he proposed last Christmas Eve). I thought Mr. Luna wouldn't know romance if it was dropped on his doorstep. I will say though, men have a tendency to surprise us and I don't mean necessarily by the proposal in general - I mean in their ability to make it beautiful, original and romantic, in their own time and way. I, personally, was proposed to by way of a deep freezer. Go figure (it was SOOO him though to do it this way which was adorable). We were together almost 7 years before he proposed and I thought for sure it would never happen. Hang in there - he may have something in the works you just don't know. I would say though that you should stress to him that it is important to you to be married to him and then leave it be (my FI kept saying it wasn't 'important' to him to have a piece of paper telling other people he loves me because he knows it and I know it and that's what's important to him - but he knows it's important to me and he wants me to be happy).
Bon Chance, it will come :)
Bella
bella - your proposal story is amazing! i love it!
thanks for the encouragement. there are good days and bad. and at the end of the day, i know where i am at with him, but i get so frustrated sometimes because i think we're not i thought or had hoped we'd be by this point in our relationship. he knows that i do not want to be his girlfriend forever. he knows he wants to marry me and i would vernture to guess he has known it as long as i have known i wanted to marry him. i just want to get on with it already!! :) i also think i tend to lose perspective and i get wrapped up in my own needs, etc., because my life is so stressful. it's one of those times in my life where everything feels uncertain - even though i have a pretty stable job right now, my current project will be finished in may or june of next year and my next one may not be starting up until the fall so i have no idea if there will be anything for me to do in the interim; i am not sure about finishing my masters degree because i work so much that i have no time to finish my one remaining requirement; we've moved a lot recently and that has caused a lot of financial stress on me and on top of that, the whole when are we getting married stress! ahhhh! even this last vacation wasn't terribly relaxing. deep down, though, i know what everyone has told me is true and that he will propose in his own time, in his own way - i just want it to happen so i can move on with that part of my life!
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Sorry to unload bees - just need to vent....Feeling really bummed out today.
Ugh. SO and I just got back from a mostly great trip to Mexico. No ring. No indication of when it's coming. Returning to life as usual.
Honestly, I wasn't really expecting it to happen on this trip. But then we come home to find out his best friend is planning to propose to his girlfiriend during their upcoming trip to Aruba in 3 weeks. I want to cry! It's like everyone I know has had these awesome romantic proposals and my SO wouldn't know romance anymore if it kicked him in the butt. To be fair, it has only been about 2 months since our conversation about getting married, etc., but I can't help but get this sinking feeling that he hasn't even thought about it since, and doesn't really care. He hasn't even acknowledged it. Nowadays, whenever I hear about our friends getting engaged, it feels like a slap in the face and like it's totally unfair because, save for one couple, they have ALLL been together HALF the time that we have!! I feel like we're stuck in a rut. We will be together 4 years in about a month, and I don't know if I can stay with him much longer if I don't know that marriage isn't happening and that it's happening in concrete way. I don't want to give him an ultimatum but I don't know what else to do. I know he loves me and I'm the only person he wants to be with - he tells me all the time - but at this point, actions speak louder than words and I'm tired of my SO not putting his money where his mouth is...
Urgh. This is the worst. I know I probably sound like a broken record but I'm tired of pretending to be happy for other people when I'm *still* waiting around.
Thanks for listening bees! Again, sorry for the vent. Hope you are all having a better day than me!