Weddingbee boards

So for those of you who don't know me, you can reference my previous posts 1 and 2 and catch up. Well since the last post I've been doing great. I've graduated and got a promotion at work.

In the mean time my dating life has been crazy. After ex-FI and I broke up I decided I didn't want to date anyone or have a relationship for a while. I've been going out with friends and also on some dates. Some have been great, wonderful and to me how dating should be and then some have been down right terrifying! Like the guy told me his future kids names and stuff on our first date! Scary right? Well it was enough to send me running in the opposite direction.

Currently I'm single and enjoying every minute of it! Seriously I'm having so much fun and some weekends maybe a little too much but I'm learning. The ex-FI and I didn't really go out ever so this is very new and fun to me. Anywho back to the dating front, I've been hanging out with this guy that I've known for years (we went to high school together). We were friends back then but knew that because he was good friends with my brother and some other obstacles we could never date. Well being that we are no longer in high school those issues aren't really there anymore. He is a great guy! Has everything that I want in a guy except for a few small things that could be worked on. He treats me like a princess and I know he would be good to me if we were together. My problem is that I just don't want to date anyone right now. Ex-FI really jaded me in my faith in relationships. I just don't want to get crushed again. I've told HS (high school) this and he completely understands.

However, last night we were picking up dinner and I guess I said something that triggered his curiosity and he asked if I could see us dating and I said yes to which he responded, good I just don't want to be wasting my time. I knew exactly what he meant but I asked him about it later anyway. He just said that he thought this could go somewhere and again I told him that I wasn't looking for a relationship at this moment and didn't want to lead him on. I was just interested in hanging out and having fun but that if he wanted to wait then I had my expectations. He said that he completely understood and didn't want to rush me at all. He then went on to say that I had everything he was looking for in a future relationship and that he could see this working out.

Am I crazy for even considering getting involved with someone again? I told him that if anything happened that it wouldn't happen for at least a month or so because I'm going to be traveling for the next few weeks. I just feel like if I jump into another relationship right now I might miss something else out there.

@Neva: That last part about dating other guys, that's the part I'm having trouble with. I know he would have a problem with it if I went out with another guy even if it was platonic and just dinner because I have and he didn't like it at all. I was hanging out at his house last night watching the football game and he had some of his friends over and when they went outside to smoke I picked up my phone and saw some text from two people (guys) that I always talk sports with. HS then sent me a text saying that it was rude to text other guys while I was with him. Now I could understand his getting upset if it was another guy that I was dating in that capacity but we were strictly talking about the game. And being that I have mostly guy friends because of the work I want to pursue (sports) and this has always been an issue with anyone I've ever dated.

@totheislnds: I just read your post and I was like "OMG this is so the same situation!" I'm glad to know that things can work out after something ends like that and that waiting can pay off. I know I need time but getting this guy to understand that and that he needs to give me some time to explore and regroup is tough. I'm really glad you found your guy! :)

@MissOtter31: I guess "miss out" wasn't really put into the right context. Not saying that I wasn't refering to other guys but also different and new experiences. I want to be able to travel and go and do without having to answer to anyone for a while.

@puddingface: I'm definitely not going to write him off yet because he is a great guy; I just want to take my time and make sure I'm ready.

@2PeasinaPod: You're the first one to pick up on the text thing and that is something that bothers me too. I mean we both have our phones locked at all time and I even have a screen protector on mine that prevents anyone but the person looking straight at the screen from being able to read it. I do that for work purposes but it also keeps my personal conversations private. I mean I was talking to other guys but since he and I aren't official or exclusive what does it matter to him. I know that his ex still text him and I've told him that as long as that goes on why does it matter who I text. I blocked my ex from all my numbers and facebook so I don't talk to mine ever. I just don't see why he still keeps in touch with his. If you're over someone then it should be easy to break contact or at least that's how I feel.

Okay I'm off my soapbox now. :)

@Sasha2011: Honestly I started talking to HS pretty soon after ex-FI and I split but it was just via text. He was great emotional support and could make me laugh and smile. But my biggest thing has been sometimes he does stuff that is just so great and so sweet that I find myself wanting to tell him the 3 little words but not so much in a romantic way but just caring about him. Like the other night we were watching football and we had already discussed getting pizza for dinner, when I got there he had already ordered so I thought no big deal, I'll just eat whatever he got. This man ordered 2 pizzas; one half and half with my two favorite topping options. Half supreme and half canadian bacon and pineapple! My heart melted! I know it was something simple but to me that was huge! I do care for him as a friend but worry that I'm getting ahead of myself. Like can I really already have found another guy? Just 3/4 months after calling off my wedding?

@2PeasinaPod: That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm going to stay true to myself and if that's too much for anyone to handle then they can leave. I want what I want and I'm done asking permission or fearing what someone will say or think. If you don't like what I'm doing or how I'm doing it then that's your problem, not mine.

I was in a similar situation about 4 years ago...

Just split from a 6 years relationship; and I hung out with this new, fantastic man a lot (who I had been friends with prior to ending the relationship). I could see he had a lot of potential and was everything I was looking for but I wasn't ready for a new relationship just yet.

I told him that. I told him that he was so great and deserved to be with someone who could give him back everything he was offering and that at the moment I couldn't be that person since I had given everything in my previous relationship and needed time for myself.

He listened, understood, and said he wasn't going to put pressure but he wanted to see where we would be heading so he wanted to continue to hang out.

Well, I am now married to this fantastic man and I truly believe I'm the luckiest woman.

The difference between your story and mine, is that after that conversation, I realized that if I didn't embrace the possibility of this relationship now, someone else could find him and grab him and I would lose my chance with a real good man who I could see a future with. I never thought of missing out on other opportunities; I just didn't want to miss out on him.  Oh; we were official like a week after I broke up with my ex and I didn't give this a second thought, ever (again I had known him for a while, I didn't just jump in with a stranger I had known for a week).

@pec1216: I picked up on the texting thing, too. That sounds weirdly controlling to me, and like an invasion of privacy. I'm not sure I'd be ok with my own husband saying (er...texting) something like that to me, let alone a guy I've made it clear I'm not dating. Honestly, I agree with others (and you!) that right now you really just need to focus on yourself. Based on what you've described, it sounds like he's REALLY into you and a little controlling. Because of that, I'd actually recommend not giving this guy any more hope and distancing yourself from him for a while. If you give him any sort of timeline, what happens if you're not ready in a month or two, or more, or you realize he's not the guy for you? Most likely he will resent you for "stringing him along" (not saying that's what you'd be doing, but it does sound like he's pretty hung up on you).

Also, his comment that he doesn't "want to be wasting" his time concerns me, as does the implication that he considers being your friend and helping you through a rough patch a waste of time if it doesn't lead to something more. I dunno, based on what you've described, I get a weird vibe from this guy. However, you sound amazingly level-headed and I'm sure you'll navigate the situation well! :)

Keep us posted!

@2PeasinaPod: Right? I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought that was weird!

@2PeasinaPod: & @mckernae: You guys are so awesome! I love that you just come right out with stuff and tell me, Whoa hold up a minute! And I addressed that comment with him last night. I told him that if he feels like he's wasting his time then he was free to leave. I'm not about that and he shouldn't be either but it was my understanding when we started hanging out that we were just friends and not looking to date. I've stuck to that and I think he's starting to develope deeper feelings. He said he meant that he really liked me and that if I didn't like him then to just tell him. He didn't want to fall for someone that didn't want him too. Which I completely understand but at the same time I don't know what I want yet and I'm just enjoying trying to figure it out. Ya know? :)

@mommytobee: See the fact that I don't have that "I better get him while I can or someone else may grab him" feeling is bothering me. I mean I did see him through college and think to myself, "I wonder what that would have been like? To be his girlfriend?" And when he started dating his last gf I did have that thought of maybe I missed out on something great but I just don't know. I know that time will tell for me. I honestly feel sorry for the girl that ends up with my ex-FI because I know the kind of life they will have and it won't be a happy one. Boy am I glad to be out of that situation!

Back to HS boy though, back in high school, my best friend's mom said that she thought that HS and I would end up together and married! So weird to hear that back then and now we're hanging out and that could happen!

@2PeasinaPod: Naw I'm pretty immune to blissfulness now! Haha!

@pec1216: Ha! I'm glad you're taking the comments so well :).

Also, I have to say--I just went back and re-read your posts from when your fiance broke up with you (and then tried to convince you to take him back), and it is just incredible how much you sound like you've matured in the last couple of months! You just seem so much happier and so much more respectful of yourself and your own needs. Good for you for being so self-aware and giving yourself the time and attention you deserve!

@mckernae: THank you so much for saying that! I really have grown not so much "up" but just really embraced myself and trying to find me, pec1216! My grandmother even told me the other day, "You seem so much happier lately! You and (Ex-FI) never did anything fun and now you're going out and having a good time!" I was just in such a controlling relationship that I couldn't even see it but now that I'm free I can't believe how much I was put down. I want to find someone that will push me forward and support me and now hold me down or back.

UPDATE: Well this weekend was quite interesting to say the least. To sum it up I got really sick Friday night, blacked out and spent all day Saturday in the ER. HS was in constant contact with me throughout the day and when my phone died Saturday afternoon he offered to bring me one. As soon as he started my way however they came in and told me I was about to be released so I told him not to worry about it. Little did I know, I would be there for another 2 hours before they processed me out so I really did need that charger but anywho. After I got home I text him and he said that he wished he had gotten to see me and that he had even stopped and gotten me flowers. How sweet is that? Love it! Anywho I went to bed by 9pm Saturday night because I was exhausted. I spent yesterday with my family at lunch and then the rest of the day with HS. He made the night all about us. His friends wanted to come over and watch the games but he told them no and that is was just he and I for the night. We ordered some great take out and watched football all night. It was so great and I couldn't have asked for a better day.

Then I ruined it! I started talking about how I wanted to know what he meant last week by "He could see this working out". He said that he could see us dating and that he wasn't going to date anyone that wasn't marriage potential which is great because that's exactly where I'm at. I just told him that I didn't know if I was there yet. He said that it seemed like the better the time we had the more it caused problems for me and thats true. If I have a great time I'm just constantly thinking okay when is this going to turn bad? When am I going to get hurt or let down? I hate thinking like this but after my past relationships I can't help it. I really do need to break this habit because I feel like I'm going to push some great guys away. How can I learn to just enjoy the moment and go with the flow? I need some advice ladies. And he's invited me over tonight to watch the games with him and his friends but I don't know if I should go or not. What do you think?

@organizedbride11: I completely agree with what you said! I would like to see where this relationship could go and my hesitation isn't because I don't like him but more of the fact that I'm going to be out of town traveling for the next few weekends and I would hate to start something up when we can't really spend time together. We've already made plans for the weekend after my birthday which is about a month away and he is also planning on taking me to the beach for a weekend soon. I'm just excited to see where this can go when the time is right.

Update: I don't think I can do it girls. I'm just not ready for a relationship yet. I tried to just go with the flow but some major red flags came up this weekend/yesterday and I think I would be best to just walk away. This past weekend we bumped into ex-gf and that didn't go well. I was fine with the situation but apparently she wasn't and I don't like causing drama. And guess what, I'm not in high school anymore so this kind of shit doesn't sit well with me. I'm an adult, which is exactly what I told the guy and I don't have the time or the patience to deal with this.

Yesterday I went to see my brother play ball about 2 hours from where I live. I had planned on going since last week and invited HS to go with me. Yesterday morning he text saying that he was just going to stay in town which was fine but I only see that side of my family about once a month or so and I wanted him to meet them. But it was whatever, not really a big deal. Then he said something about our conversations this weekend and that he didn't know if he could be with me in a boyfriend/girlfriend capacity if I kept up some of my activities. The activities that he was referring to was that I text some guy friends of mine. I'll be honest girls; I have more guy friends than girl friends. I've been that way since I was a kid, maybe it's because I was raised by my dad, or that my older stepbrother's friends were always around and that's who I was comfortable around. I do talk to at least one friend a day but it's mostly about sports or their current girlfriends or relationships. Strictly platonic. I've always been the person people could come and talk to because I will always listen and try to help out as much as I can. That's the Libra in me. I told him that none of the guys I talk to have ever been more than just friends, like I've never kissed any of them, hooked up with, or anything of that capacity and he thinks otherwise. I flat out told him that I would not deal with him being accusatory towards me because I had been in that situation before and it just ended badly in the since that I found out that it was actually the accuser that was cheating.

Also I kept asking him about a certain thing and he never once answered me! About ex-gf! I don't feel like I should have to explain myself to someone who isn't my boyfriend or anything of that capacity. As far as I'm concerned it's none of his business, and by the way, how does he know who I talk to? Does that mean he looked at my phone while I was gone to the store? He always has his phone locked so why would he look at mine?

Girls (and guys if you read this) am I wrong here? I feel like I'm not at all but maybe I'm blinded by my own beliefs. I'm about to go on two vacations back to back and don't want this weighing on my shoulders.

@pec1216: You're not wrong. Not only is he controlling, but you've been very explicit that you don't want a relationship with him right now and he's basically ignoring your request for space. You really need to devote yourself to building yourself back up after your last long-term relationship. You've dodged a bullet here, IMO.

I should add that the fact that HS is overly controlling is a separate issue from the fact that you are not ready to be in a relationship, and both point to you neeting to get out of this ASAP. Even if you were really in a headspace to date again, I would recommend that you drop this guy, because he seems to have some real jealousy issues.

Good luck!

@mckernae: Thank you so much! I completely agree with you! I don't see this going anywhere so I will be ending it very soon! Thank you for your advice and understanding. I appreciate your honesty.

Yet another UPDATE: Okay so things with HS have been so so lately. But this weekend an alarm went off in my head, "This is not the guy you are gonna end up with so why are you wasting your time?" To be honest I've been pushing these thoughts to the back for the past few months and I don't think I can repress them any longer. Let me start this with some explanations

I'm a southern girl, by that I mean I’m a Christian; I hunt, fish, listen to country music, enjoy all things baseball and football. HS is the complete opposite. He is extremely intellectual but honestly I know more about sports than him. And I can't really blame him because I was raised by athletes and have only ever dated college or professional athletes, also my dream career is in sports. At the beginning, I didn’t let these differences bother me because everyone kept telling me that they weren’t a big deal and that I was making a bigger fuss over them than I needed to. Well last week I met my dad for lunch and he asked if I was still seeing HS. He said “Now I really like him. He’s a nice guy but he just isn’t very athletic and not real outdoorsy.” I said “Thank you! Finally someone who gets it”.

This weekend we went to my brothers little league game and I told him that I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt, kind of hinting to him that it wasn’t a dressy occasion. He took a shower, and wore a polo and jeans. I mean come on; it was pee wee football at 9am. We went out of town to our old college’s game that night and had planned on staying the night and going out with our friends but he bitched so much during the game and then afterwards about not wanting to go out so finally I said let’s just go home. I think after this weekend I’m gonna have to call it quits. We have a big event this weekend that we have been planning for a while but after that I’m gonna have to cut the ties. I feel like my life is a puzzle and in the spot that I’m supposed to put a piece labeled boyfriend or whatever, I’m trying to cram him in but he just doesn’t fit.

Oh and also I applied for this killer job in another state last week and he was all “I hope you don’t get it so you can stay here.” WTF??? This is my dream job and I want someone that supports me no matter what.

Anywho, I would greatly appreciate your support this week because the end won't be too fun.

Oh and another side note, we saw ex-gf again this weekend and some how something about she sleeping with someone else this summer came up and he was like I asked her if she had slept with anyone and she said no and later I found out she lied so I asked her again. I straight up said to him, "Why do you care?" He said because he had a right to know. And I said "No. It's none of your business who she's slept with after you. If you're broken up then it's none of your f*@k!%g business what she does." If he was really over her he wouldn't care so it's whatever. HAPPY MONDAY YALL!!!

@finnaroo: Thank you! I think that's what I'm gonna end up doing, be alone but happy! Kinda weird to be alone after 3 years but it will be good for me I think.