Post # 1
I didn’t think I actually had to come to this point at this time but here I am, nearly at the end of 2011, with the boyfriend having more commitment anxiety than a few months ago, which seems to me like I will be waiting for god knows how much longer. I might panic.
It has been my major fear that I date someone for a few years and then find that big commitment just doesn’t happen. We’ve been together for 2+ years and for the last year since I brought up marriage, marriage plans have been on our minds. Since our plans to get married in 2013(early 2013 I was thinking) got nearer, I wanted to start talking extensively about it and then we recently found that the boyfriend is struggling with the plan. Now the plan became a reality and he started to question himself if he is really ready. I kind of wish he was not smart like he is (jk).
For the last 6 months- few months, I know that he spoke with his friends about us getting married. His friend refered to him as my future husband. He said he decided he wanted to buy a house so we live in a house we own and not pay rent. He was definitely warming up but maybe I pushed my timeline too hard and he got freaked.
So I am having a hard time dealing with the situation. I sought advice and got a honest suggestion that I back off completely and let him come to his conclusion within in a timeframe I am comfortable waiting. I know this is a solid and most reasonable advice but it’s hard!!!! I can’t get myself to entirely believe that backing off is the way to go. If I could believe this is what will work then it would be easier for me to do it. I feel so desperate and feel a bit ashamed.
What am I doing???
I must say I admire people who are patient.
Post # 3
Waiting is totally hard. Especially if you just want to start planning!
In many cases, it’s important that the guy feels like this kind of thing is also their decision. Maybe don’t push so hard, ease off the subject, and allow him to enjoy his time with you without the pressure. It could be what he needs to feel relaxed and less anxious.
Post # 4
Please don’t feel ashamed! I think many of us bees have some waiting anxiety when we don’t have timelines or committments – heck, even some of the bees with time lines have anxiety about whether or not they will be met.
It is hard sometimes but I like to try to just enjoy this time with SO, and remember why he is worth waiting for!
Post # 5
I have no idea how some girls can be patient without talking about “it” at all. I think I might go insane.
Post # 6
Sweetie, I’m in a very similar boat right now. The boat has a leak. In very cold water. It’s not fun.
My advice would be the following (and I’m in the process of working this out myself):
1) Read Mr. Bee’s plan, and some of the comments on it. You don’t have to follow it to a tee, but the premise is to find things that make you happy so that “waiting” does not dictate your happiness. Only you can make you feel happy and whole. I think sometimes us waiting bees hand control of our happiness over to our SOs with the hope he will give us the love, romance, and validation we dream of.
2) Backing off is easier said than done. And if you feel like you’re suppressing your feelings about this, that’s a recipe for resentment which will only fester over time. I would suggest consider what exactly is making you so unhappy about him not committing. It may take a while to fully understand what your reasons are. Chances are it’s not just one thing. Honestly lay those thoughts out to him, and be honest with yourself as you consider these things. Don’t be ashamed of your timeline, what you were hoping for, etc. Don’t finger point, but openly and honestly say Consider what would make waiting easier for you. Provide him with suggestions that could make it easier for you. Personally, I find I’m better at expressing these sorts of things in writing. Choose whichever method gives you the chance to communicate calmly and clearly.
Do this, have a productive conversation about it, then ease up. You will know at that point you’ve told him all you can tell him about the subject.
Post # 7
Not talking about getting engaged is cake once you break the habit. It’s kinda like biting your nails. You obsessively do it without even realize you do it. You decide it’s a bad habit and work to break the habit. The first few weeks or couple months are insanely difficult. All you want to do is bite your nails. It’s all you can think about. Then one day, you wake up and you realize you haven’t talked about it in months and you feel no desperate need to.
It’s that initial start that is the hardest. Once you’re in the swing of things it’s second nature and all the anxiety literally drops off your shoulders. I know it’s tough. I’m sure your situation is upsetting you. But I know you can do it. 🙂
Post # 8
How are you doing yourself?
I do agree with mr. bees plan and I don’t need to talk about engagement or marriage as those words sound really heavy right now, but I do feel like I want to express my feelings about the general development of our relationship and ask him his view on it. Like, ask in a neutral way if we think this is the right relationship and if we picture ourselves together in the future. Maybe in this case we both need a little reassurance. I mean, on the flip side if he’s not ready because he’s not sure if this is the right one then backing off or a little more time probably won’t get me where I want to be anyway so I would rather know it now. If this is the case you would recommend moving one right? I would.
Post # 9
@gramgeek: I’m doing well, thanks. Working through some very similar waiting issues.
It sounds like you’ve got some good self-awareness on this. Best of luck!