Weddingbee boards

My bff and I have been friends for 20 years now.  We're both in our 40's and she is engaged and to be married in a few weeks and I've been married, divorced and now living with my spouse for three years.  My bff fantasized, joked, planned our wedding day and how we would be there for another and now that hers is finally here what we planned and talked about for one anothers wedding have not been anything like we/I envisioned.  She is marrying a great guy...he really is good for her and I am totally happy for her that this day finally has arrived for her.  When she did become engaged ~ they both planned to be married in 4 months so I definately thought we would be busy and rushed.  I didn't hear from her after she announced her engagement for about a month.  I called her a few times and sent her emails and she admitted that she was stressed, her mom was ill and she was depressed about her weight gain etc etc...I told her that if she needed anything to just hollar and I'm there to help...Still nothing.  Another month goes by and I figure that she'll come around.  A month of us not speaking is odd.  She was never one to phone but she did text me to get together or contact me through facebook which more than often I wouldn't get her messages till a few hours later which was frustrating but anyhow...She finally did contact me and asked me if we could get together and I was happy and things seemed different and distant.  That day she asked me to be her MOH and I was more than honoured and said yes.  When I got home I received her invite in the mail and it was addressed to myself and my daughter and not my spouse.  I was taken back as my spouse and her get along fine ~ he's helped her move, has picked her up in snow weather christmas eve and drive her to our place so she wouldn't be alone...there is not ill feelings on either side at least I think...I called her and asked her and she said they are on a budget and are limiting certain people and I totally understand that money is an issue although there are people that she is inviting that are bringing their spouse that she has only met the spouse on occasion.  I offered to pay for his plate which is only 20 per person!  And she flat out said no and firm.  When I discussed this with my spouse he was also shocked and thought maybe he had offended her somehow but my spouse is a good hearted guy.  The situation really did upset me ~ I was confused...I tried to talk her again and she was abrupt so I just dropped it.  I come from a traditional italian family and this no ring no bring rule doesn't happen.  Either way I wasn't happy to attend alone and as being the MOH my daughter who is 10 would be left alone if I'm to attend to the brides needs.  My heart was torn between the two and I took a week or so to decide what is right for me and I decided that my family comes first...at the end of the day this is where I come home too.  I tried to contact my bff and I couldn't get a hold of her so I emailed her explaining that I tried to contact her and I understand she is going through alot with the planning and her mom is ill and I was sorry to drop this on her but I had decided to attend her ceremony and not the reception.  Well she did reply and it was nasty and I felt that it would be the response she would write back saying I was selfish etc etc and that he could attend after dinner but that wasn't an option given to me otherwise there wouldn't have been an issue.  I apologized to her explaining that even as her MOH she could have made an exception but she made it clear that he was to not attend and that was that.  I didn't mean to hurt her, make a fiasco out of it but this is what we decided just like her and her fiance making out the invites.  Her wedding is now in three weeks and her bridal shower was over the weekend and I was not a part of that...I understand that this is her day, money is tight ~ I get that...been there before.  She brought a slime ball to my wedding but I did put guest on her invite.  I did ask her if we could get together to talk and not contact eachother through email, texting or facebook and I still haven't heard anything from her.  My family and friends that know her think of this as odd of her and don't understand why she didn't invite my spouse and some were not surprised.  Has anyone else been put in this scenerio? 

@mrsmdphd:

Sorry he's my common law spouse.  We're not married yet ~ living together for three years.  We've both been married previously ~

@crayfish:

I did have the option to not bring my daughter you are right.  My bff has been there from the day my daughter was born so there was an exception made for my daughter.  My bff also has a no kids rule which she had to phone those and explain of this.  I did mention to her that I hope it wouldn't cause issues within her family/friends as having to get sitters can be costly and she said she didn't care.  Not bringing my daughter would have hurt her as well...(when her father remarried and she wasn't invited ~she was absolutely crushed.)  It's definately a situation where everyone feels bummed. :(

I wouldn't consider my bff's fiancee controlling...He is a super nice guy.  I would say she is the alpha dog in the relationship lol.  I would have thought that he would have been the voice of reason in the decision to not exclude my spouse/partner...but even if he tried its usually her way or no way... ( I use spouse only because I feel too old to call my man my boyfriend at my age).

i ma very sorry that you are going through this.But I dont buy your friend's story about the budget. there is more to this that she is just not saying. If it was budget she would have only been too happy for you to pay for him. You diod make the right decision and she obviously is not acting like she really wants you there. this disappearing act and not inclusing you in the plans really is a sign. Leave her alone until she decides she wants to come clean and tell you the truth. Dont loose any sleep over this. she obviously is not. But there has to be more to it. She is just not telling you. but your conscience is clear. Whatever is in the dark will eventually come to light. So it will all be clear to you eventually. But until then just keep her in your prayers.