Post # 1
The reason for me joining this excellent forum is that I’m feeling a little sad..
We’ve got our wedding all planned for April 2014 and I made the mistake (I think)
of coming clean to my BF about my past infidelities.
Bear in mind that I love him to bits and he’s my soulmate and I wouldnt’t swap him with anyone else, but there was a time I was too naughty.
Anyway, in a nutshell, he always knew ( I tend to be honest) that the last time I cheated on him, two years ago, it was only with an old flame of mine. On Saturday night I had one drink too many and I confess it had been a threesome and so that basically another man got involved.
BF didn’t get angry and was incredibly understanding, but he looked so sad 🙁 and has been quite distant over the past few days.
I’m scared this may be one too many for him to trust me now.
Post # 3
@purpleglitterglam: It’s natural for him to be sad and distant after learning such news. Better to get it out in the open now, and see if it’s something you guys can work through, than to have waited until you were married.
Post # 4
well I don’t think there’s ever a good time to tell him this kind of news. I guess at least you told him before the wedding. Ball is in his court as to what he’s going to do about it.
Post # 5
Can you blame him for being sad, or upset, or hurt?
I would understand if this were “one too many” for him to trust you, because honestly, one instance would have been too much for me.
Post # 7
It’s not just the infidelity, you also lied by omission for two years. You owe it to him to come clean and let him decide if he wants to stay.
Post # 8
It wasn’t a mistake to tell him, you did the right thing being honest. It’s his decision now. Have you considered counseling for the two of you?
Post # 9
@purpleglitterglam: there’s nothing you can do at this point except let him have his space to decide what he wants. FWIW, you did the right thing telling him before you got married.
Post # 10
I’m not trying to be mean here, but how CAN he trust you?
if this is the relationship you want to be in for the rest of your life, you’re going to have to bust ass to show him that. He may have been understanding and calm, but it’s more than likely a calm before a major storm. The feelings that come with being on his side of the infidelity are INCREDIBLY complicated. This isn’t going to just go away, even if it seems to. He holds the cards now.
But good for you for coming clean.
Post # 11
There is never a good time to tell someone about an infidelity.
I also wouldn’t blame him if this was one time too many and I also don’t blame him for being sad. I think you should probably look into counseling if you want to continue working on this.
Post # 12
@purpleglitterglam: Better to tell him now and let him decide if this is something he can live with or not. I could forgive cheating but I think finding out my FI had a threesome would be too much for me honestly. Give him time and space to sort through his feelings and understand no matter how long ago it happened it’s still hurtful.
Post # 13
@purpleglitterglam: Wait the threesome was two years ago or just the cheating with your ex and the threesome was recent?
Anyway, I’m not going to bother judging you or cheating in general but I don’t blame your FI for being upset. He is being understanding of this and he should not be.
I do not condone cheating or anything, but if it was a past mistake a long, long time ago telling him about it is selfish. Because it only serves to hurt him and make him feel bad while you get your “honesty” out and alleviate your guilt.
Post # 14
Also, have you explored and/or come to terms with why you’ve cheated twice now on this man you’re about to marry? Doesn’t seem like behavior befitting someone who is 100% happy and ready for marriage.
Post # 15
Oh man… I don’t even know what to say… I feel sorry for both you and him. I understand you wanted to come clean and get it off your chest but I also get why he feels so upset. Tricky situation. I don’t really have any advice for you!
Post # 16
There’s no such thing as a “good” time to tell a partner of your being unfaithful. If you have any other skeletons in the closet, you probably need to come clean now, while he is still coming to terms with your latest revelation, as the string of “one more thing” over the years can become insurmountable over time. It’s much easier for a partner to accept and forgive past violations of trust if they learn all the details all at once, instead of them slowly learning to trust you again only to find out they don’t know the full truth.