Post # 1
FMIL has her issues that I won’t go into but here’s an example or two; she wants to help plan but when we ask her for the input or to go do something she declines then complains because she’s not included…it’s one big circle and ever so frustrating to me. I don’t do enough for FI, she makes me feel like I am not good enough or worthy to be marrying FI, it’s always my fault regardless. I just got my dress and emailed pics to her and not a single word has been said and yes I know she checked it because she’s emailed FI since then. I knew I shouldn’t have expected anything out of her but it’s disappointing. I know she’s having a tough time with me "Taking her son away" from her and that kind of stuff (I am not doing such a thing!). I know the wedding doesn’t revolve around anyone’s lives but our own but it would be nice for her to say something positve but all she does is bring drama and it’s annoying. Maybe I just need to realize I won’t be having the kind of MIL-DIL relationship I would like but I need some encouragement to get over that feeling of loss.
Post # 3
I feel you. I don’t have any of this tension with my FMIL, per se, but I also was raised to expect a fairly close relationship with my IL’s. And they are fairly aloof (and I think that my FMIL can occasionally be pretty manipulative of my FI b/c she’s very depressed).
I think it’s hard b/c families are so different. My FFIL is having surgery, and both my parents called my FI separately to talk to him about it/ask how he was doing and then called my FFIL as well. My FIL’s didn’t even ask to speak to me to say congratulations after we got engaged. Sorry I realize this is turning into my own vent, but what I’m trying to say is that it’s really hard to not have the relationship with your IL’s that you had imagined. And I don’t have any advice since I’m there too, but I’m offering you ((hugs)). My sister went through a similar adjustment with her IL’s, and she says it does get easier over time as you come to accept it more…but that it’s pretty normal to have a hard time with it. I’m hoping for the "getting easier" to come soon though.
I think the best you can do is what you are doing. Make an effort to invite her to things and sent her updates. But just tell yourself in advance that she’s probably not going to respond and so if she ever does, it’ll be a nice surprise. I think it’s hard to change expectations, but if you acknowledge you have them it’s easier to actively work on them.
Post # 4
I think sometimes MIL’s dont’ always realize how much their words matter, especially during the stress of wedding planning. I have a great relationship with my MIL. She’s been great from the minute we met.
Shortly after I bought my dress we went to visit his parents. I was telling about how I picked out my dress and my FI mentioned the cost. Both FMIL and FFIL scoffed at the amount. It’s more than I expected to spend, but it’s under $1,000 and I decided it was the one I wanted.
Their reaction was unexpected and it was kind of upsetting, but I try to let it go.
Focus on the good parts and good luck! Your relationship will last much longer than wedding planning.
Post # 5
I totally understand! My wedding is a year away…she asked me how many bridesmaid I was going to have…I told her I was having 6..Her response was "You need to cut that number down..you can’t have that many bridesmaids"
i was speechless..it’s just the beginning for me…
Post # 6
I know it’s really hard when people don’t give you the relationship that you want. While I would not hope too much for her interacting with you about the wedding the way you want, I wouldn’t lose hope about never having a good relationship with her. Give her time. Once the wedding is over, you can show her that you are not taking her son away from her…hopefully over time she will start to come around.
You can also tell your fiance to tell his mom that you are excited about having her as a MIL. In addition to "taking her son away" she may also be worried about you not liking her. I’ve heard that mothers of sons can actually feel quite insecure about their future daughter in laws…especially if they have no daughters themselves and if this is the first child to marry.
Post # 7
Thanks for the replies girls! It’s nice to have others insight.
It’s not just the way she is reacting with the wedding, she’s acting this way to me in general and this started before the wedding planning. When FI and I started dating everything was my fault and I wasn’t good enough…she got over it and we had what I thought was a good relationship (for 3 years!) until we got engaged and again, everything was my fault and she’s always saying I don’t do enough and making me feel like I am not good enough to be with her son. And this is not the first child to be married.
Post # 8
Keep her out of the loop! If she can’t be wonderfully supportive, she doesn’t need to be included in your wedding plans and details.
She will get over it at some point. She’s probably just coming to the realization her son is getting married. Is this the only SON to get married so far?
I noticed a big difference between my FMIL’s daughter getting married and her son (my FI) getting married. The latter is apparently more difficult
Post # 9
No ej, he will be the second to get married…there are two sons but the first son to get married is divorced.
Since our wedding isn’t very tradtional in the sense of having a bridal party and a few other things, I try to not keep people in the loop- their reaction is priceless to things that WE want to do but in a bad way!! I really don’t know what I was expecting her to say…I mean everything else we have shown her she’s been poopy about. FI showed her our STD’s (and he worked his butt off on those) and she was like ‘pft, whatever’. That annoyed the hell out of me!! She complains whether we include her or not so I think not including her will be less stressful and less disappointing to me…good point!
Post # 10
I can totally sympathize on this one…lately I’ve been reminded quite a bit by my FMIL on how lucky I am to have my FI.
I think it’s a really hard adjustment sometimes when families try to merge. She might not have been this way for a while because it wasn’t definite that you were joining the family, and now that it is your FMIL sounds like she’s having a hard time with that. I think it’s definitely a good idea to stop including her on your plans…hopefully she doesn’t start to complain that she feels left out!
Post # 11
Another reason why I probably try to incorporate her (besides her complaining that she’s not involved) is that I think "Maybe this time it will be different…this will be that moment when she snaps out of her ugliness…"
I think showing her my dress is my last attempt to reach out although she is supposedly coming to our cake tasting in a few months…we’ll see!