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My FIL, while emotionally supportive, is causing us major problems.  He has had a drinking problem (definitely in the past, not sure about the present), and due to either that or just not doing basic job stuff, he is unemployed, and job prospects at his age and with his health are minimal.  Shortly after the wedding, he asked for a loan (said some people owe him money and haven't paid which is probably true)- $2000.  Little background- I have a good job and saved a TON before getting married, FH came into marriage with almost no assests and LOTS of student debt.  FH and I fought over it (I felt he was unreasonable asking- despite we could afford it, we just had a wedding which he didn't finanically contribute to, bought a house, a car, furnishing the house, and his student loans, not to mention mine) and we decided that if he didn't pay us back (I figured good chance) it would come out of FH's "fun money"- we each get some each month.  This was in October, no mention of paying us back.  For Xmas, we decided to give $100 and FH decided to put in $300 of his "fun money."  This weekend, FIL's car was repossessed, apparently needs $4000 in addition to the Christmas present.  (Also he's a few months behind on his mortgage.)  SIL can't financially do anything but is totally against handouts, and hers and FH's thought is buy some of FIL's stuff he would need to sell anyway.  He has some property far away from us worth abound 10,000.  Part of the problem is we have the money sitting in the bank, but there are a lot of questions about jobs that won't be answered for another 6 weeks.  FIL has an idea of how much we have.  FH thinks we should buy the land (the previous loan would be a credit toward it).  One other possiblility is that we take what we donate each year and give to FH.  FH feels really strongly that since we have so much, we should be helping him out.  I am so frustrated by this and feel like all our options are bad.  Any suggestions?

I was pretty angry when I posted, then we got in a huge fight over this last night, so little more info- the land is undeveloped land in Hawaii that FH has mentioned in the past that he wants and isn't worth much (therefore we wouldn't be paying much).  It has electric but not water.  Sounds pretty rural.  FH thinks it is a good investment because land in Hawaii is hard to come by and in a few years we could sell it and make double the price.  I am having a hard time thinking straight about this.  We were going to do some investing and FH thinks we should do this and it's a good way to get the $2000 back he owes us.  I pointed out that we weren't supposed to be doing this anymore, but he views this as us getting something too.  FIL has given us some nice furniture, no charge, and has some family heirloom-type stuff that he needs to sell and will offer to us and FH's sister first to keep in the family.   Since FH really wants this land, it makes it a lot harder.  Is it reasonable to take some of the money we donate to charity each year (more money than FIL needs) and use it to "buy" either some heirlooms he'd hawk or the land?

Thanks so much for your thoughts and support!

I'm in the same situation right now with my husband and his family, except for the fact that we hardly have any money in the bank.  For a long time, he has been the one that the family goes to for money whenever they need it.  He's always been generous (and I love him for it) but he's in the Army, so let's face it, it's not like he's making that much to begin with.  When we first got engaged, I finally put my foot down about it.  I saw his constant handouts as taking away from our future family.  The more money he continued to give to his family just meant it would be even longer until we could get our "baby fund" built up.  I want to be out of debt by the time we have children.  As of right now, it's going to be several years until that happens and I'm 28, so I feel the pressure to be stingy with my money!

You saved YOUR money.  When you got married, in a way, it became your money and your husband's money...no where in there does it say it became your FIL's money.  I had to have many many heart to heart talks with my FI (now husband).  It's not that you're being selfish with your money and not wanting to help, it's that you have to save for your family.  And if you don't want kids, or kids aren't in the picture right now, then you are saving for your house, your emergencies, your retirement, etc.  A grand here and a grand there may not sound like much (if you have money in the bank) but it adds up fast!  If you could somehow make your fiancee see that this money is taking away from your future financial cushion/stability, then I think he would really see the light.  My husband finally did, it just took ALOT of hairpulling discussions to get there.

Good luck!

I disagree.  I know plenty of good people in today's economy that are working hard and doing their best that are having financial problems.  It doesn't sound like you've had to bail out FIL before this 2,000 - so this man has supported himself for over 50 years and raised your husband! and paid for his food and rent and school and what not so I'm not sure that immediate descent into 'tough love' as if he's an irresponsible child is appropriate.  Many many people go through hard times in their lives.  That doesn't make them leeches.  He seems to be offering value here and not simply asking for hand outs and it might even be a good deal for you.

Yes absolutely I think you should set aside your donation money to help your FIL - do you think everyone you help with donations is perfectly virtous?  To me it's important to help family and loved ones and if you can afford it you should do it (within reasonable limits). 

Further, I think it's a bad bad idea to argue with your partner about money when it comes to your partner's family.  I feel like as long as it's not a huge financial burden a person should always defer to their SO in this.  They're the one for whom this relationship is crucial etc.  And just like bad mouthing your SO's parents the negative outfall can become very large and just not worth it.

This am, I got an email from FH suggesting he buy the land out of his personal money.  (We each get $500 a month, and this is our fifth month of being married).  He said he wants to take the 2000 loan from his father, 5000 (half of my parents wedding gift- they gave us each a check to make it easier for tax purposes and now is saying that is his to do with what he wants ) and then "borrowing ahead" from personal expenses.  He has already spent about $1400 plus given his dad 2300 out of this fund, so he already owes $1200 and then wants to do more.  He then says he would have complete say over the land and that any profit goes to his money.  We got in a huge fight, he accused me of being self-centered and that I am not coming up with anything productive to help his father and that if I don't let him do this, he will "resent me forever."  Tomorrow is our three year anniversary and I feel awful.  I know what you ladies have said, and you are probably right, but how do I hold my ground and still have a good relationship with my husband?