Balancing politeness and gift grabbing

posted 3 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 3
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014


I’m not sure if there is a one size fits all kind of response to your question. I think you should invite those who you’d really, really like to attend your wedding. Maybe not your parent’s next door neighbors but your aunts, uncles, cousins and all of those great family friends you’d love to have in person. Part of sending the invitation, in my opinion, is getting others to share in your joy.

I’m not sure what your culture dictates but in the US, many people feel that they do not have to send a gift if they do not attend a wedding. Therefore, in the US tradition, just by sending an invite doesn’t mean you are looking for nor expecting automatic gifts.

I have family on both coasts of the US and I invited those nearest and dearest to me thinking that some definitely would NOT come. Well, guess what? I have people coming from the west coast MUCH to my surprise and I’m delighted. Perhaps you’ll get a few of these surprises too. In any case, I wish you great luck. I am sure that whatever you decide will be perfect.

Post # 4
1243 posts
Bumble bee

@farawayviolet:  Pretend that they will all come, and as the PP said, invite the ones that you really want with you.

Of the guests who couldn’t attend our wedding, only about half actually sent cards/gifts in their absence, so there is a chance that you won’t get gifts from the folks who can’t attend anyhow.

Post # 5
3633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

We were sort of in this situation and we chose not to invite people who we knew couldn’t come. For example, my grandma has a ton of siblings and they are all around the ages of 70-90. We knew that there’s no way they could hop on a plane or endure a 6+ hour car ride to our wedding. She said I should invite them anyway because “they’ll still send a gift” but I personally did not feel comfortable with that. I had a few international relatives that I chose not to invite but they found out I was getting married. They sent me a gift anyway; this I didn’t mind, obviously. I would just send an engagement/wedding announcement (if you want) and call it a day.

FWIW, a lot of the younger folks in my generation in my extended family took this route too so I don’t think people were hurt.

Post # 6
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I had some people that I suspected wouldn’t be able to come due to distance or health. But I invited everyone that I wanted to be at the wedding because I wanted people to feel included and that they were important to me. Some people surpised me and came when I wasn’t expecting them and some didn’t. But I invited people based on who I wanted there, not any expectation of gifts, in fact I really honestly didn’t really think about that aspect of inviting people at the time. 

A few months after our save the dates went out I was visiting my grandmother when she got the save the date for a the granddaughter of a friend that she used to be close with but hasn’t seen much in the last few years. Her immediate comment was “Well, I guess they just want me to send a present”. I was super pissed. I told her that she shouldn’t assume that about people. I told her she should feel honored to get an invite as it shows that she still thinks kindly of my grandmother. Then I thought about my own invitations in horror that someone would think that about me. But whatever. I know that wasn’t the intention. And I choose to think most people aren’t as pessimistic as my grandmother.


Post # 7
2537 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Only invite those you want to attend.  Do not let people guilt you into inviting people you really won’t remember/want them to attend.

I’m getting a lot of negative comments from my side of my family for having a very intimate wedding (only our parents and siblings).  I’m not going to allow them to ruin/make me feel bad about it.  I made my decision with no interest in receiving gifts. 

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