After five years of marriage, of tortuously maintaining a mysterious, alluring and sophisticated mystique...the cat is out of the bag...Mr. 99 now knows that I am insane.
I will preface this by stating that Mr. 99 never leaves the house, EVER. I love that man, but after five years of being in the same house with him I literally jumped for joy when he told me he was going out for the day with some friends to go paintballing and have some beer and wings after....my feverish little mind seethed with the possibilities....I was ravenous for the time alone in our house...to be able to do things unobserved, unquestioned...I was drunk from the glorious freedom it presented!
He left early that morning, I pretended to be asleep in bed, in reality I was almost trembling with anticipation and I didn't want to end up shoving him out the door, cause that might hurt his feelings....he kissed my cheek, patted the cat and I hear the door shut..HE WAS GONE!!
I jumped out of bed, ran down the stairs and listened...nothing! No one was there! I was alone!
First: I had an ice cream sundae for breakfast, garnished with oreos and paired with ice cold mountain dew...it tasted like champagne and caviar, I shit you not! I soaked in a steaming tub, watching The Craft on my Ipad. Then I decided to do big sexy hair, so I rolled my hair in big old honking rollers the size of soda cans, which also happen to be orange...awesome. Next, I had read about an at home facial masque comprised of avacados, some ginger root and and a little sugar, I whipped that thing up while the dogs looked on and smeared it all over my face until it was an inch thick...I was defying gravitiy with that crap! Then I remembered my brand new Stilettos needed breaking in, I got those puppies strapped on and there I was strolling around the house, with orange rollers in my hair, green shit on my face, wearing sweatpants and stilettos, it was glorious!...the only thing left to do was watch old re-runs of Beauty and the Beast with Ron Pearlman and cry!
It was in the middle of a particularly emtional moment for the beast when I heard the most terrifying sound in earth...Mr. 99 was home, I was trapped, I was nerding out and there was no way to hide it. Here's the conversation that ensued:
Him: (coming down the stairs) Hey beautif - (seeing me)- what the hell?
Me: What are you doing here?
Him: I live here...I think.
Me: Your home early...
Him: Trust me, I regret this instantly...what are you wearing?
Me: Why did you come home?
Him: I missed you, I thought that I wanted to see what you were up to... Is that guacamole?
Me: Why didn't you call?
Him: I wish to god I had!
Me: You should have called!
Him: I really should have....so should I go? Or do you wanna go wash that off? Or what?
Me: No...I don't know....I feel like you just caught me snorting coke or something.
Him: No, that would be an improvement, I think.
Me: Shut up!
Him: (Seeing the TV) Jesus! This show is like a million years old....did you have a stroke or something?
Me: NO! This is what I do when you aren't home?
Him: (Horrified) Really? Wow, that's fuckin weird....but if it makes you happy, whatever. I'm gonna go put on some sweatpants so we can watch Ron Pearlman menstruate all over the chick from Terminator...is there any ice cream left?
God I love that man of mine!
This made me litterally LOL and also reminds me of FI and myself. Thank you for making my day before I head off to work for the night and enjoy your ice cream and movies
I am laughing so hard right now I might pee myself. Thanks for sharing!
PS- did your hair turn out fabulously? I've always wanted to try the gigantic rollers...
Oh my god this made me laugh SOOO hard. I love his reaction to you watching Beauty and the Beast.
So great!
@Nona99: I laughed so hard I cried. Lol! How funny! "I feel like you just caught me snorting coke or something." Seriously best line ever!
omg lol i am laughing so hard at work right now. I have the BEST vision of you in my head! love it!
@Nona99: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! I just snorted water all over my keyboard when he asked if you'd had a stroke or something. That's hysterical, I am rolling!!
I love me some old Beauty and the Beast, too, that was the best show EVER.
Thanks for the chuckles!
"Him: Trust me, I regret this instantly...what are you wearing?"
LOLOLOLOL
Love it!! Such a great read! I kept thinking, "Uh huh. Yup... that's what we do!"
My favorite part:
"Me: No...I don't know....I feel like you just caught me snorting coke or something.
Him: No, that would be an improvement, I think."
hahaha I not only love what you decided to do on your alone day but also his reaction to it! I bet he never comes home early again LOL!
haha! This is great! I love that you know the old Beauty and the Beast tv show because I fell like I am one of the few people who have ever seen that show. Most people give me a blank stare when I mention that show! Did you know they just tried to do a remake of it? It was the same characters (vincent and Catherine)
Oh I think I just laughed until I cried. I'm 23 but I totally know the Beauty and the Beast TV show. I put it on my netflix because it looked ridiculous and then it was actually good! Later my roommate deleted it without asking/telling me long story short she's been permanently locked out of my netflix account.
O my god I laughed so hard, but I can totally see this happening to me! Except I would be watching some stupid reality show that I can't watch with him around.
LOL THIS IS FREAKIN HILARIOUS! I had to cover my mouth from now cracking up right here at work! wow. thanks for the morning boost of comedy. AWESOME!
@Nona99: OMG you two are freaking soulmates!!! Hahaha!
@Nona99: Hahahahaha! This is awesome.
Him: (Seeing the TV) Jesus! This show is like a million years old....did you have a stroke or something?
For some reason that part made me laugh so hard.
Thanks for sharing! I love a good funny story. 
lmao! You made a sick girl cough, I was laughing so hard!
I just had to share this with you guys...I knew you could appreciate that powerful urge to always be interesting, exciting and beautiful...but at the same time lust after the nerdy stuff you do when no one is looking...and yes, the hair and skin came out fab...although I think Mr. 99 was still overwhelmed by the spectacle of Nona-In-Progress...so he didn't say anything.
Oh well, Mr. 99 and I refer to moments like these as, "Taking our Relationship to the Next Level."
We had a breakthrough on a camping trip when we both came down with food poisoning about an hour and a half away from running water...YIKES!
Anyway, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Lots of Loves to you All!
This story has made my night, thank you so much for sharing! It sounds exactly like us!
Seriously the funniest thing I've read in weeks. I was laughing so hard my fiance had to come over to see what I was doing. Then he read it and burst out laughing.
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