- 1 year ago
After five years of marriage, of tortuously maintaining a mysterious, alluring and sophisticated mystique…the cat is out of the bag…Mr. 99 now knows that I am insane.
I will preface this by stating that Mr. 99 never leaves the house, EVER. I love that man, but after five years of being in the same house with him I literally jumped for joy when he told me he was going out for the day with some friends to go paintballing and have some beer and wings after….my feverish little mind seethed with the possibilities….I was ravenous for the time alone in our house…to be able to do things unobserved, unquestioned…I was drunk from the glorious freedom it presented!
He left early that morning, I pretended to be asleep in bed, in reality I was almost trembling with anticipation and I didn’t want to end up shoving him out the door, cause that might hurt his feelings….he kissed my cheek, patted the cat and I hear the door shut..HE WAS GONE!!
I jumped out of bed, ran down the stairs and listened…nothing! No one was there! I was alone!
First: I had an ice cream sundae for breakfast, garnished with oreos and paired with ice cold mountain dew…it tasted like champagne and caviar, I shit you not! I soaked in a steaming tub, watching The Craft on my Ipad. Then I decided to do big sexy hair, so I rolled my hair in big old honking rollers the size of soda cans, which also happen to be orange…awesome. Next, I had read about an at home facial masque comprised of avacados, some ginger root and and a little sugar, I whipped that thing up while the dogs looked on and smeared it all over my face until it was an inch thick…I was defying gravitiy with that crap! Then I remembered my brand new Stilettos needed breaking in, I got those puppies strapped on and there I was strolling around the house, with orange rollers in my hair, green shit on my face, wearing sweatpants and stilettos, it was glorious!…the only thing left to do was watch old re-runs of Beauty and the Beast with Ron Pearlman and cry!
It was in the middle of a particularly emtional moment for the beast when I heard the most terrifying sound in earth…Mr. 99 was home, I was trapped, I was nerding out and there was no way to hide it. Here’s the conversation that ensued:
Him: (coming down the stairs) Hey beautif – (seeing me)- what the hell?
Me: What are you doing here?
Him: I live here…I think.
Me: Your home early…
Him: Trust me, I regret this instantly…what are you wearing?
Me: Why did you come home?
Him: I missed you, I thought that I wanted to see what you were up to… Is that guacamole?
Me: Why didn’t you call?
Him: I wish to god I had!
Me: You should have called!
Him: I really should have….so should I go? Or do you wanna go wash that off? Or what?
Me: No…I don’t know….I feel like you just caught me snorting coke or something.
Him: No, that would be an improvement, I think.
Me: Shut up!
Him: (Seeing the TV) Jesus! This show is like a million years old….did you have a stroke or something?
Me: NO! This is what I do when you aren’t home?
Him: (Horrified) Really? Wow, that’s fuckin weird….but if it makes you happy, whatever. I’m gonna go put on some sweatpants so we can watch Ron Pearlman menstruate all over the chick from Terminator…is there any ice cream left?
God I love that man of mine!