Post # 1
Let me beging by saying I have no children, and it will probably be a couple years off for us. Nevertheless, DH and I began having a conversation about potential names, and it led to a conversation about which I would love to hear experiences or advice.
Basically, my husband has asked that if we have a boy, we name him after his late father. Background, my husband’s father died when he was 13, and while I never got to meet him, he sounds like a pretty incredible man, and is held up on an incredibly high pedastal by both DH and his mother. He holds a really special place in DH’s heart.
Here’s the problem: I find the name absolutely awful (not posting here in case someone knows someone by that name). This is also particularly sensitive since I ask that a girl be named after my late grandmother. I suppose the only difference is that my grandmother had a beautiful name, and my DH’s father’s name was, well, prone to immense amounts of teasing, I would believe.
Also, final comment, my husband is Chinese, as was his father, so we are talking about his English name, which he chose when he was in elementary school. So it’s not like, as sacred as his birth name here.
Has anyone gone through this? How did you and your husband solve it?
Post # 3
No experience I’m afraid but how about using the names as middle rather than first names, and choosing a name together that you both love for the baby’s first name. That way you both sort of get what you want (the name is included but there’s minimal risk of teasing etc and you don’t have to hear the name all the time). The grandparent is still remembered but then the child has their own identity in having their own ‘brand new’ name, which is the reason you could give your husband for wanting to use them as middle names.
Post # 4
How about suggesting you don’t want too much pressure on the kid by having the name of someone so great, and move it to a middle name. Another trick would be not to argue, but suggest checking out some other names for ideas. You could find a name you both like that would be better as a first name, which would relegate the other name in to the middle. For example, for a girl, Elaine might be the special name, but you might find you quite like Sarah, and Elaine Sarah doesn’t sound as good as Sarah Elaine… Problem solved.
Ours will be (depending on gender) Dylan James (James is my dad’s name) and Alexa Dove (Dove is my grandmother’s maiden name). He likes Dylan, and wanted Alex for a girl or a boy, but I wanted something slightly more unique than Alex (he has Russian heritage). We will have his Russian surname.
Post # 5
@giru618: I think you would have to agree to all or nothing. Either you agree not to name any future kids after anyone, even your grandmother, or you agree to use the family names from your side and his.
While I understand the appeal of family manes, I also think it’s nice for kids to get their own names. in this case! it sounds like your husband feels very strongly about using his Dad’s name. Maybe he would agree to use it as a middle name but if not, maybe you can also give your son a nickname to use everyday?
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
The middle name suggestion could work. You could also give your son the family name as a first name and then call him by a middle name of your own choosing. So if the name was Homer Benjamin Smith, the child could go by H. Benjamin (Ben) Smith. Or find a derivative of the family name that does work for you. For example, DH’s (deceased) father’s name is Maurice. I like the name just fine, but my Baltimoron accent prevents me from saying it properly. It always comes our of my mouth sounding like Morris. But I can say Rhys just fine, and it sounds the same as the second syllable of Maurice, and we really like it. So if we had 2 boys, our second son would be Rhys to honor DH’s Dad (first boy would be named after our maternal Grandfathers). We also could use Morris as a name, since it’s how I say/butcher Maurice and it’s a family name on my side. Basically, keep an open mind. Good luck!
Post # 8
All 3 of my boy cousins on my dad’s side go by their middle names. Their first names are all after other men in the family (my dad, my grandfather, and their other grandfather). For example, Albert Joseph– Albert is the name of the family member, but the cousin goes by Joey. It’s slightly confusing for other people, but most of them go by first initial, then middle name on all the important documents. It’s an option! ETA- their sister goes by her first name.
Post # 9
As a compromise, you could agree to use the first initial of both names, rather than using the names themselves.
Post # 10
This is really, really tough. I’m going to come at it from the perspective of the partner whose dad is the one that died. My dad was SUCH an amazing man and I’ve love nothing more than to name a son after him. That said, my dad had a pretty great name so that makes it different from your situation, and I acknowledge that if his name was awful…I would likely not want to name a child that as much. Does your husband also know that his dad’s name isn’t not that appealing?
I agree that the middle name compromise is a good one.
Post # 11
I think I’m with you all on the middle name. I suppose it’s hard for me, since I’ve dreamed of naming a girl after my grandmother since I was a little girl. But I think I needed to hear others say that it needs to be all or nothing.
Then again, who knows if I’ll even have a boy or a girl. In any case, it’s nice to get some outside perspectives!
Post # 12
@giru618: I like the idea of selecting a first name you both love and agreeing to use the family names for middle names. You guys are still choosing to honor your loved ones that way, and you get to inject your own tastes into the name as well. And this way seems a bit more fair than only one of the names being used as a first name.
Post # 13
We agreed that we each had veto power over a name that we didn’t like. But if your H also loves your grandmother’s name and wants to use it, I don’t know that it necessarily has to be an all or nothing deal. H would really have to be OK with that, though.
Post # 14
@giru618: No Clue on that one. We are giving out future son my husbands middle name as his middle name which was his dad’s middle name. His dad died in 2008 so it in honor of him. Also if we do name our child Gavin, he will have the same initials as his g-pa. 🙂 I love that idea.