Post # 1
Background is that we’ve been together since we were very young, and got married 1.5 years ago (been together for 11 years). Sex was awesome when we were younger. We hit a rough patch the year before getting married, and just stopped fooling around. We did the work to resolve the problems we were having, all the way from IC to MC etc. We’re in a really great place now… We decided we both wanted to get back into it and also wanted to have a baby. H has been saying he finds sex exhausting and really for him 1/wk is good or whatever happens naturally is great, unless it’s a fertile period. Well, it’s that time where we could get pregnant so we had sex 3 times this week. Then last night… we tried but he couldn’t stay ‘engaged’. Tried again this morning and same thing. This is the first time it’s ever happened with us, though I have noticed he is taking longer to get aroused since we started trying. He says there is nothing I can do to help, but any pointers from others who have been here? I’m wondering if it’s because we’re focused on having a baby or stress? It’s so discouraging to not be able to do the BD when it’s the most important time…
Post # 2
sj8082: It’s funny that you posted this because I am in a similar situation. My DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for almost 9 months and in that whole time he actually has never had a huge sex drive, but especially after we both finished school and started working full time, he is just really tired during the. We are typically a once a week couple and this was our 1st month TTC. He is already nervous about the whole thing, so I was surprised when he was able to umm, stay “engaged” when we BD on Thursday. But then when we tried to BD on Saturday (O day, of all days), he just couldn’t…we tried twice a couple of hours apart. I just told him not to worry about it and we would try again on Sunday, which we did successfully. I was bummed because I really wanted to try to hit O date, but I know that he felt waaay worse and me being down about it was not going to help the situation at all.
I guess I don’t have advice really other than to say that you are not alone. But I think it’s really important that you keep a relaxed air about you when it does happen though because as disappointed as you feel, he feels so much worse. I think for my DH, external things really affect him, like if he’s really tired, or stressed from work. On Saturday, he was actually a bit hungover, so I think that’s what did it! So I told him for next cycle he is not to drink that much in the FW! lol
I’ve thought about what to do to help to. Like buying lingere or watching porn or something before, but sometimes, there really is nothing you can do.
Post # 3
If he’s getting nervous or exhausted just thinking about it, cut him some slack. Don’t tell him when you’re fertile, just try to initiate more, make it feel like “whatever comes naturally.”
Post # 4
LuckyinLove17: Thanks so much for your response!! I think we are in exactly the same situation. And it’s so helpful to know I’m not alone!
My O day was also Saturday (I think— I had a unclear OP test Friday afternoon, and a solid one Friday night and then again Saturday… so could have been Friday or Saturday). I wonder if I just tired him out because we did the BD Thursday and Friday. I’m hoping that I still have a chance at getting pregnant this month, since we did do BD around the O day, but then we haven’t successfully since…
We wanted to Saturday, but he was at work until like midnight and was just too tired. When we tried on Sunday, it just was a flop. Same with this morning. Now I think the pressure is just way to high with two failed attempts, so I’ve got to just let it go for the next few days and then the window is really closed anyways 🙁
Post # 5
almostmrsj: I definitely am not trying to judge or pressure him… so he’s got slack (though your comment makes me wonder if that is clear to him!). I will make sure I’m being more clear about that message with him, so thank you! The only stress about this for me is related to TTC. Otherwise, if we weren’t trying, it wouldn’t bother me… if that makes sense.
The tough part for me is that because we had that low period, where we really had very little sex… there is a ackwardness about it at some level. I think I just need to step up and get over it though.
Post # 6
sj8082: I think we O’d the same day, lol. I’m also hoping we hit good timing dispite the no-go on Saturday. At least you got in a Friday night! We just got in the Thursday and Sunday. But for our first TTC cycle, I’m pretty happy with our attempts!
FX for the both of us! It only takes once, right?!
Post # 7
It’s so funny how many of us are in the same boat…Though at least you don’t have any weird perfomance anxieties going on! It’s also nice to hear other people and get a more realistic perspective. I was feeling like a total failure since we missed the Saturday… and then had our issues on Sunday. FX indeed for both of us and for LuckyinLove!
Post # 8
sj8082: I’m in the same boat… First month TTC and its been alot of pressure on us.. Alot of failed attempts which made me ‘fell like I was doing something wrong. We successfully BD on Tuesday and Thursday and I had a positive OP test thursday afternoon with the slight cramping on left side and we BD on thursday evening.
We weren’t sucessfull on Friday and Saturday…Alot of pressure and distractions..
I’m really hoping that things work out for us this month…
Post # 9
sj8082: we had the same struggle last cycle, our first TTC cycle. We both want to TTC, and we BD’d successfully once (he even said right before “let’s make a baby!” Lol) but our other two attempts he just could not finish. It was mental block thing he said. So he requested this cycle that I just initiate and not mention FW or anything about timing. He’s had no problems this cycle so far- we’ve had sex twice (not FW yet) but he has no clue where I am in my cycle so I think it’s helping to keep him a bit more in the dark.
Post # 10
You are definately not alone. This is our first cycle TTC and we BD Sunday and Tuesday but today when I got my positive OPK my husband could not finish. I think it is also a mental thing thinking about it but I just pretended it didnt bother me and left it at that. He said he wants to try again tonight but I said to him no pressure. Dont want him to feel like he let the team down and if its meant to happen this cycle it will. Good luck to you all, its such a rough road to travel
Post # 11
sj8082: Do you need a baby this month? Or are you flexible with your timeline? If I we’re you, I’d take a relaxed 12 month approach. BD when you feel like it, but don’t make it a chore. Odds are, it’ll happen. I would not chart, use OPKs, or test early. All that will do is add stress.
My DH and I have had this issue. It is hard psycholopsychologically for some guys. If you pressure, you will both end up miserable. If you take your time, you’ll both be much happier.
Post # 12
sj8082: Tell your DH that on his next annual exam to have his testosterone levels checked.
Post # 13
Not trying to get pregnant, but there was something I read many moons ago about turning sex into a chore (As in, “I’m fertile! We need to have sex right now.“) It becomes a job, and not something that’s fun. Unless you have other plans, I’d suggest trying to take the pressure off and just have a good time when you do. You can always try to spice it up so it’s not so mechanical.
Post # 14
I was glad to read this post.. just the other day I commented that this week coming up is my FW, and he said “I wish you wouldn’t of said anything, it’s better when I don’t know and just think you want sex a lot” lol I think he definitely feels pressured when it’s my FW, we haven’t really had many issues, but I know he doesn’t like knowing. So I’m going to try and keep quiet about it from now on.