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It's pretty much the norm for BMs to pay for their own dresses. I've always accepted knowing that I would be paying for my own dress. But if you've got one girl who may be reluctant to ante up, you could make their shoes or jewelry part of their BM gift. But I would think that they should be expecting to pay for their own dress.
i think this may be regional because I never even anticipated paying for my BMs dresses. Ive been a BM several times and have paid for my own dress, shoes, hair, and make up each time. You dont have to pay for her dress. also, $200 is not an atypical cost. if you think $200 may be steep for her, consider off the rack dresses or david's bridal. if you can afford to buy it for her, its a nice gesture, but you certainly arent required.
I don't think you have to spell it out for them that they need to pay for their own dresses. If your one friend is concerned about who is going to pay for the dress, she should ask you about it before she accepts. I think the norm is that BMs pay for their own dresses.
I think they are seperate conversations and therefore not awkward.
First you ask and when you find a dress, you say "Hey, here's the dress I like, it's $xx."
I think most girls go into being a bm expecting to pay for their dresses, hair, and accomodations. Anything you're willing/able to cover is very nice and not expected of you.
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Is this regional, really? I know people talk about it a lot in the hive, but I really think that most bridesmaids know they have to pay for a dress. I would hope that once you ask your friends, their first instinct will be happiness, not thinking "ugh, I have to buy a dress".
I agree with Mermaid, they are separate conversations, so please don't feel awkward.
Paying for your own BM dress is part of the deal with being a BM... if the bride offers to pay for all of her BMs' dresses, that's a lovely gift. And if she decides to help one or more BM's discreetly because of financial circumstances, that's her business. Weddings are expensive enough, and a caring friend shouldn't be putting it on you to pay for her dress as well!
If I were you, I would ask in whatever cute way you want to ask, and then a couple of weeks later, I would send out a link to a "what's expected of BM's" type of article. That should help clear things up. Somehting like this would work: http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/bridesmaids/articles/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail.aspx
You might follow that with a quick note to your friend saying something like "I know you've mentioned that you thought it wasn't fair for bridesmaids to have to pay for their own dresses. Unfortunately, FI and I will not be able to cover all of the bridesmaids' dresses. If you decide you'd rather not be a bridesmaid given the circumstances, I will definitely understand, but my day wouldn't be the same without you!"
Good luck!
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I am a BM in 3 weddings this year and each one I have expected to pay for my own dress. If someone offered to pay I would be completely shocked and of course argue that I would pay for my own dress. You dont have to mention the dress when you ask, you can bring it up at a later time.
One way I asked a couple of my bridesmaids is I got them a 3-pack set of Philosophy bubble bath/body wash (from Sephora) that was called "The Bridal Party" The scents were wedding cake, bubbly and bouquet. Once I gave it to them they knew what it was for but I still asked them to be a bridesmaid.
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I also think you can have two different conversations. When you ask them to be in the wedding, your friends will probably just be excited and happy for you! You want to have that fun, exciting time, without worrying about the logistics of paying for anything yet.
I like worchesterbride's idea of mentioning something to your friend to give her a heads-up on the dress costs. Personally, I've never heard of it being customary for the bride to pay for the BM dresses. IME, it's always been a part of being a BM to have to cover the costs incurred--including the dress, shoes, hair, etc.
I've always known that you pay for your own bm dress. I'm a little sad I have to buy two green dresses in a few months time and I don't even like green but it's what they want so whatever.
I don't think you need to do anything special to announce this information. It's the norm. You can send the "what's expected" link if you want, but I doubt it's necessary. She'd have to buy her own dress if she were just a guest and it's no different as a bridesmaid... except she doesn't get to pick it out. ;)
Even though you know you have to pay for a dress, doesn't mean you can't THINK it should be the other way.
It's a widely known social norm that BM's pay for their own dress. It's up to the brides discretion as to how much she'd like to contribute, if anything.
Why not have a conversation with your friend about it. Tell her you remember her saying once... and then start the conversation from there. If she can't afford to be a BM, it's better you know now then weeks from now (when she's bitter and overwhelmed).
I think it is real comon practice for them to buy their own frocks nowadays. Be lenient in the kind of dress, style, pick a color, etc, so they can buy something they'll continue to wear. My mom was under the impression we were supposed to buy all their dresses though. Maybe back in the day? Not sure.
That being said, I had my mom sew six basic tank style cocktail dresses (literally they were pulled over their heads and a sash tied around their waists...no zippers!) and they came up to $25 apiece plus a few hours (not many tho!) and those were part of their gifts. So if you know somebody crafty....even a very basic dress can look stellar in a nice material. The material we got was about $10 a yard and was high end bridal dress material! They looked much richer and luxe than some bridesmaid dresses i'll tell you that!
I just spent $160 on a bill levkoff bm dress and it is made so chintsy you can see my belly button ring right through it. way tacky. it's whisper thin, too and the crinoline is sewed in poorly so it juts out awkwardly. So, personally, if I'M going to spend $160, I would have preferred to do it on something I like that is of superior quality. Not that i don't midn spending it for my friend, but I do realize that i'll never wear this chintzy dress ever again.
I've never been in a wedding or have heard of anyone in a wedding who has paid for their own dress. Everyone I know has always assumed they were going to pay for their dresses. I know someone who was in a wedding and one of the gifts to the BMs was a gift certificate towards the dress. I think that is a great way if you are worried about them not being able to afford the whole thing.
Being a bridesmaid includes paying for your own dress. It is totally unrealistic to expect to have to pay for 3-4 dresses in addition to your own. As a fun gift, I included a "bridesmaids bible" in my bridesmaids Christmas gifts, and all of their obligations are spelled out in there. There are tons of questions and answers in regards to being a bridesmaid. Good luck!
Totally agree with the other bees-two conversations. I think most bm's know they will be paying for their dresses-and as long as you keep their financial needs in mind it should work out great. But for a clever way of asking I thought this was cute: http://www.bellaregalo.com/will_you_be_my_bridesmaid_cookies.html they are cookies!!! maybe you can have a local baker make up a few and decorate them in your colors :) I already asked my bm's and then I saw this-wish I had thought of it!!!
BMs nowadays are still expected to pay for their own dresses. HOWEVER, lately a lot of brides are helping to pick up the slack, or if a BM has already been asked and cannot afford the dress, etc. (and isn't wise enough to step down), the bride often steps in and pays -- that's what happened at my cousin's wedding.
I'd warn you about asking someone who obviously doesn't want to pay the price of being in your bridal party. Not that she's not a lovely person, but you would need to make it clear to her that you'd be expecting her to pay for her own dress. Make it a separate conversation if you want...but do make it clear.
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every bridesmaids pays for their own dress, just like guests pay their own airfare, hotel and still get you a gift. weddings are xpensive for everyone involves. period. if they cannot afford it maybe they should not be in it. also forever21 sells some pretty bridesmaids esque dress for under 30 each.
I was a bridesmaid for both of my cousins' (sisters) weddings, each a year apart, and I paid for both gowns. And one was hideous. So I think that it is not out of the question that they'd be responsible for the cost. After everything you pend on the wedding you shouldn't be expected to pay for their dresses as well.
Thanks ladies :) That's what I thought, but I didn't know what to do or really think. I'm getting together with the FI and my mother this weekend to go over the budget and think that will give me a good "in" on bringing up the whole who pays for the dress thing when I talk to my friend later. All the girls know they will be BMs but I haven't actually "asked" them officially. I want to do a fun "will you be my bridesmaid" thing so hopefully that will happen soon.
just wanted to second the post to be cautious of someone who may not want to pay for the dress - at least anticipate more trouble later. because the dress is certainly not the only expense - and it's not even just the wedding day stuff (depending on what you do - could be dress, hair, shoes, makeup, jewelry, travel, etc) but also any shower or bachelorette activities. I picked an inexpensive dress and just asked for neutral shoes of any kind, am paying for hair/makeup/jewelry, and most of my girls have local family to stay with. Yet there is one girl who has just constantly mentioned the money (even though she makes the most of all the bridesmaids) and I have just found it hurt my feelings sometimes. There is a difference between those who truly can't afford certain things and those who are just going to make a fuss and knowing that upfront should help you deal with it.
When I asked my US bridesmaids, they already knew that they had to buy the dress and believed that they would have to buy the shoes, hair, make-up, shower, batchelorette party, etc. It is the norm rather than the exception to the rule.
When I asked my European bridesmaids, I spelled out everything in detail that they would have to purchase as soon as I asked. From the few UK weddings I've been to (and watched on TV), the bride pays for everything. This may be why the wedding parties are so small. Again, my experience was limited, so I wanted to make sure my girls knew the financial obligation and gave them a way out if they wanted.
For all the girls after they said yes, I sent a group e-mail explaining that I would keep the expenses to a minimum. The dress is less than $100. They can wear their own shoes. It's DIY hair and makeup. I don't expect a shower or a batchelorette party. I just want them to be there to celebrate with me!
I agree with the other posters about your one bridesmaid that's already worried about the costs of the wedding. Sure you can be as considerate as possible to your BMs, but it's not just the dress that costs money; there are usually alterations as well. You probably need to talk to her about it, sooner rather than later. If you're sure that she's going to continue to worry and worry you about it, is it the best to have her as a BM?
Good luck!
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Oh yes, the hair and makeup with DIY, heck, I might have to do my own hair and makeup (which I hate). For my sister's wedding last year it was all DIY hair/makeup and I bought my own shoes. I was the MOH, I did nothing more. I didn't even plan the bridal shower because her FMIL took that over and ran with it---long story. I was not included in the planning of the bachelorette party because her other BM did that, I was not really invited and besides, I was sick that entire week up to the day before.
As for me, a bridal shower I'm not too worried about because I don't want the typical with the fru-fru pink everywhere and the questions games that people get bored with. As for a bachelorette party--there won't be one. I'm not a party girl, never have been. Won't be out with the girls wearing a cheap veil with a crown or having peenie suckers or something. Definitely not me. If anything maybe we'll all get together the day before and get our toes done or something and I would pay for that as part of their gift.
My friend hasn't said that she wouldn't want to be a BM if she had to pay for her dress, so I think she just needs to know about money. She is actually a BM twice in the month of October this year and I believe she's paying for those both so maybe it won't be as bad. It's just hard to bring up for me---"Oh, and I'll need you to pay for your own dresses." UGH Just like talking with my parents about the budget, hated that even though I knew they were more than happy to help out.
I always have thought that the BM's just know that they have to pay for their own dress. I'm the first of my group of friends to get married, so I know I'm setting the standard on everything with us...I'm really trying to keep the dress at a reasonable price...under $200, more like $150 tops if possible...and I'm considering purchasing them their jewelry as a gift. I'm letting them pick out their own shoes, so if they already have a pair, they won't have to purchase that on top of it...
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UPDATE: I brought up the whole dress issue with the friend I was afraid would baulk, and she did. She told me the two weddings this fall she will be in the dresses were paid for.
Now I have to figure out how I address this issue. I want her involved but I don't really know what else she can do for the day. We aren't doing readings during the ceremony, we are doing a pretty basic thing. The food will be catered so that's not an issue. The only food to worry about is the appetizers (basic stuff: veggies, dip, chips & salsa) immediately following--we are having the ceremony and reception at the same location. The food will follow quickly thereafter once the extended family photos (which won't be many) are done.
My mother is worried I could ruin the relationship between me and said friend. I do to. I'm worried that I will tell her I hope she will be in my wedding because she is my best friend and if she doesn't it will upset me---tremendously. I don't know what to do.
i have always assumed that i will be paying for my own dress. of course i think this means the bridesmaids get some input on choosing the dress. i've had my dress bought for me once and it was an amazing surprise, but totally unexpected. if you can't afford it, don't feel bad.
My girls definitely bought their own dresses, and I've never heard of another way. I did make an effort to get a good price (herecomesthebridesmaid.com) and pick something that is universal and everyone can wear again - 4 styles, black, to the floor.
Good luck! Have fun asking!
my girls offered to buy there dresses now mind you im looking at the price rage of 50 to 100 but still they didn't mind.
Maybe talk to her and ask if you could split the cost with her if it's in your budget. I have been in a few weddings and always paid for the dress. However, the last one I was in, the bride definitely made the extra effort to help us find things that were discounted or cheaper to help offset the costs. We also got to pick our own dresses and, since they were long, as long as we had the same color shoes, she didn't care since you really couldn't see them.
I tried to do something similiar for my BMs. They all picked their own dresses and when I asked and gave them all cards, I said I would try to help them find things as cheap as possible so it was kind of unsaid that they would be paying for their own dresses.
I hope that helps. If not, she could help light a candle, usher, be a guest book attendant or even help with a cultural aspect of the wedding. At our wedding, since a lot of my asian relatives will likely give cash instead of gifts, the guestbook/gift attendant is really important role. When we explained this to our attendant she was more than honored to be part of our wedding.
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So I'm currently mulling over a fun way to ask my girlfriends and my sister to be in my wedding as my bridal party. They all basically know they are, but I haven't officially "asked". I wanted to do something fun......but what I'm asking about here is how do I tell them they will need to pay for their dresses? Isn't that the norm anymore? One of my BMs-to-be had menioned long ago, before FI was even in the picture, that she felt she shouldn't have to pay for her own dress to be in someone's wedding. Now, I'm also not going to expect them to dress in a $200 dress either so keep that in mind. I think spending that much on a BM dress is insane and even I couldn't afford to do that---just imagine how I feel about searching for my own dress and how they are so costly?! I'm not looking forward to that sticker shock.
So, how do you ask your friends and a sister, that you really want them to be in your wedding but if they will pay for their own dresses? Wouldn't that kind of kill the whole excitment of asking?