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Look on the bright side... How often will you really ever be in proximity to her that anyone else will even realize it? On those rare occasions, just grin and bear it... And if she decides to be annoying or less than pleasant, be sure to introduce yourself as "the new, improved and permanent Mrs. So and so."
I totallyyyy understand. I actually don't know if she did or not... but it bugs me thinking she might have!! Lol!
If I ever (God forbid) divorced I wouldn't change my last name. I'd want my daughter and I to still have the same last name, and I've gone by this name forever.
If it's any comfort, she is most likely regretting that she ever took his name at this point. I know that when my ex left me, I was relieved that because I had never taken his name, I was not stuck with the choice between being forever known by the name of someone who left me and changing the name by which I was known professionally.
Yeah I can see how annoying that can be. Just brush her off and enjoy your new name.
Well, just think, maybe one day she'll remarry and change her name then!
Honestly? I would be sooooooooooo annoyed/pissed/irate if I were in your shoes. Lucky for me, Quebecois traditions dictate that women do not take the last name of their husbands so I don't have to worry. My FI's last name is very unique and I plan on taking it as I am *not* Quebecois and have no emotional ties to my own last name.
But there isn't much you can do about it I guess. But just know, this Bee is feelin' for you on this one! lol
Hopefully!
@Ms. Peach: As you'll be married to him i'd take the view that she'll share it with you and not the other way round.
Thanks everyone! You've reassured me that I my feelings are not totally unreasonable. :)
@KatyElle: I totally get your point. They don't have children, but as I said, I even understand her keeping it for professional reasons. Still, in a "making it all about me" sort of way, I hate that she did. lol. :) I am sure if it weren't for her career she would have taken her maiden name back, as she could not wait to get out of their marriage.
@Prewitt: I like that! It's all about perspective, right?
Like 2dbride says, I bet she is regretting it now! I'm sure no one is happy with the situation, but at least you are getting happily married. In the end, a name is just a name.
Honestly, I kept my first husband's name and I know it tweaks his new wife. But that's not why I did it. I did it for professional reasons and a few personal ones.
I realize logic is not the issue here and I do totally get where you're coming from. Just remember that very few names are truly unique and it's highly unlikely that no one else other than you three will ever have this last name. So just because your names are the same, that doesn't mean you are associated with her in any way shape or form. For example, I know just at my (large nationwide) employer, there is another woman with my name. The only difference between us is our middle name. And I'm sure no one has ever thought we are related or associated us with one another.
I also get that this is an emotional reaction and I get where you're coming from. But I'm telling you, unless you go around pointing it out, no one else will either. And making comments about it when you're introucing yourself or whatever will only make you look silly or point out that you're sensitive about it. I seriously doubt anyone but you will ever give it a second thought.
To point out my own issues? I jettisoned my second ex's name faster than you could ever imagine. Irrationally, the idea of being connected to his horror show of a mother in any way (even by name) was repugnant to me. I got rid of that name so fast his head spun. Heh. So I do get it.
So you took husband number 2's name then got rid of it and went back to husband number 1's name rather than your maiden name?
@lox: You're totally right, and that's sound advice. She moved across the country, so really, once they are done with the last few financial issues stemming from their divorce (It's been almost 3 years, but they owned 2 houses, etc) I can pretend she doesn't exist and forget about the "other Mrs". The fact that I have not had that luxury since FI and I met is probably one of the reasons this bugs me so much to be honest. But that's another vent for another post.
Thanks again everyone! I'm so glad I found the Bee! :)
@Ms. Peach: Glad you feel better and yeah you're right i've leant you can feel better by just changing your perspective. ;)
I agree, this bothers me as well. We tried to get his ex to go back to her last name but she has flat our refused in her words "Why, because your new girlfriend wants me to?" Grrrrr yes it would be nice to be the only wife (ex or otherwise) with that last name but mostly he wants her to stop because she is popping out kids left and right and in the birth announcements it makes it look like he is still having kids with her; she didnt change after the divorce because she wanted the same last name as their kids. I admit it has been hard pill to swallow but I just remember that in less than 11 months I will "Mrs so and so" so when we are at a school function for the kids and someone says "Mrs so and so" I have every right to answer :) I figure that will piss her off enough
My FI's ex-wife kept his name for the sake of having the same name as their children, and we both understood why, but it annoyed him regardless. He asked me if I was going to take his name and when I said yes he got super excited. He's very traditional in that regard, and I sometimes get a little miffed about the idea of there being another woman known as Mrs. X. She's slated to re-marry soon as well, and I have non-rage-harboring bet with my FI that she'll take the new name, because she's kinda crazy and tends to forget things she says she is passionate about when its convenient or a chance to dig at someone. He doesn't think she will and says that if he was her new FI he would be super annoyed that she refused to take the new name.
My parents divorced after 18 years of marriage and my mom kept my dad's name. She had established her life as Mrs. X, and she wan't about to change that because my father ran off. I look forward to the day when I can change my name! I hate my last name - no one can pronounce it or spell it correctly, and the sheer amount of jokes I get about it are tiresome.
My mum kept my dad's last name, its been like 16 years now. I know it greatly annoys him. She didnt want to have a different name to her kids. She is finally changing it back this week.
It must be really irritating for both sides!
When I divorced my ex after 18 years, I kept his last name only until our youngest graduated high school. Now she is in her 2nd year of college, we have been divorced almost 6 years, and I will marry my wonderful man in 8 months, 6 days and 30 minutes.
This is a ouch point around the homestead. I was married at 19- all my college degrees, credit history, work history is in previous married name. When we divorced after 27 years I kept it. When he re-married I know it galled NEW MRS - 4 letter word- and I secretly loved that. But MM wants me to change to his, or back to birth last name, or make up one. Just "prefer you not have your ex husbands last name". I am having difficulty going from 4 to 10 letters and I admit it- I hate to lose that last "prick" that I can give the new mrs. color me petty.
This is a ouch point around the homestead. I was married at 19- all my college degrees, credit history, work history is in previous married name. When we divorced after 27 years I kept it. When he re-married I know it galled NEW MRS - 4 letter word- and I secretly loved that. But MM wants me to change to his, or back to birth last name, or make up one. Just "prefer you not have your ex husbands last name". I am having difficulty going from 4 to 10 letters and I admit it- I hate to lose that last "prick" that I can give the new mrs. color me petty.
I have been married twice - The first divorce I kept his last name because my son was young (6 years old) and I want to minimize the changes in his life as much as possible. So doing things at school and stuff was just eaier for both of us with the same last name. Also when kids are really young when parents divorce they tend to take the blame for the divorce so I didn't want him to feel that I wanted to be less connected to him by not having HIS last name. When I divorced the second time I wanted to get away from my new ex's last name and any connection to him at all. He turned out to be a con artist and there were illegal activities that I wanted NO connection to what so ever. He had a very unusual last name and if he ended up on the front page of the paper for some crime I didn't want my life ruined because of it. So I guess it would depend on why his ex is keeping his last name. If it is for the children then I think I'd let it go. But if she is tring to some how stay connected to him that would totally tick me off. My FI ex has his last name still it doesn't bother me but I am very lucky in that his ex is a sweet heart. She tells me that I got a great man he just wasn't the right one for her. I cherish the fact that his ex and I can be so pleasant to one another. It makes it easier on everyone. My mother has been divorced for over 35 years and remarried. The divorce was her idea and even after all this time she is still angry at my Dad. Being angry does far more harm to the one holding on to the anger than it does to the other person.
my husband's ex kept his last name, then had a baby out of wedlock and gave that baby the same last name. To make it worse, she baby was 3 months younger than our child and we lived in the same school district so her baby was going to go to kindy with my baby and they would be linked by last name (very very small town). It was so annoying to have to explain that NO, my husband was NOT her child's father, and NO, her child was not my daughter's sister. GAH!
she finally remarried and gave that child up for adoption (the child was 5 or 6 years old) so they all got new last names. But that was a rough few years LOL.
I hate to say this but keeping HER name (from the ex) is not a matter of whether she "deserves" it or not. For starters, like it or not, she will always be the "1st wife".
If she built her educational, professional and family life around that name she has just as much right to it no matter how much of a witch she is. Even more importantly if she has kids she shares same last name with.
I am kept MY name (from previous husband) in the divorce. Even when i remarry I will still have it because it is the name i used for the past 18 years and build my life with it, but most importantly because its the same name as our kids.
I am, however, making my current last name a second middle name so it will read something like this:
Jacqueline Diane Rogers Kennedy (on legal docs) and simply Jacqueline Kennedy as everyday use.
(first name) (middlename) (former last now middle) (new hubby last name)
Names are not a matter of "deserving or earning" them. Afterall, did you earn your maiden name? Nope it was GIVEN to you by your parents.
It's a BIG DEAL for a woman to not only be GIVEN a married name but for her to ACCEPT it as well. For many women it is not an easy decision. So basically-- she has as much right to that name as your future husband does. Trying to get her to drop the name is like trying to strip someone of their identity. Just ask yourself how you would feel if someone tried to strip you of any of your names against your will while telling you that you didn't "earn or deserve" the names. You'd be pissed off wouldn't you?
Just as pissed off as i was when my ex's mistress (yep woman he cheated on me with) pushed him to try and force me to drop MY married last name despite the fact that i shared that name with our kids.
My kids had a strong opinion on this as well. To them my dropping the name not only felt as if i was trying to deny my previous marriage ever existed but would make them feel "weird" somehow less connected to me and our new formed family. Hence the reason decided to keep the name and just move it to middle name postion--"Jacqueline Rogers Kennedy"
Now if i ever got divorced again (GOD FORBID) and married a 3rd time (ugh!) It would be
Jacqueline Rogers (drop kennedy) (insert new husband's name).
Unless it's a very unusual name, chances are you will share that name with a lot of people you don't like!
I would think of her the same way I'd think of anyone semi-known in my life who shared my name (first or last.) It's not really HER name you are using... just a rather unfortunate coincidence that she married the same man and has the same name.
I understand how you must feel. When I got divorced, I kept my ex's last name and still do today, but that is because my three kids. My ex is remarried and I felt bad for his new wife that we are sharing his last name. But again, I did it for the kids. When i marry in june, I will be taking his last name and hopefully this will change my feelings of dispair.
It's her legal name unless she's remarried. My FI's ex-wife has his last name still because she's not remarried yet. And they have a son, so it makes sense for her to keep her name the same as her son's. It doesn't bother me a bit. I don't understand why it bothers you, regardless of the way they broke up. I don't see how it has anything to do with you at all . . .
I understand how you feel. FI's ex wife kept his last name just because. (They have no children together). She even has the last name as her license plate. What's worse is that our first names start with the same letter and are very, very similar. Add to that the fact that they used to work for the same organization and FI is always meeting people who recognize his somewhat unique last name. He's forever hearing "oh, are you any relation to the Dxxxxxx that works at the Xxxxxxxx Xxxx?" Depending on who is asking, he tends to reply with "We used to be related by marriage but we're not anymore."
It doesn't really bother me all that much though because anyone who matters knows who he is with.
My Fi's mom and dad were divorced in 1980 and she kept his father's name (we'll call it ABC). She remarried when my FI was 25, but she still kept her first husband's name. Not even a hypenation. When we address cards to them and receive cards from them we are expected to address it Mr. XYZ (her new husband) and Mrs. ABC even after almost 15 years of marriage. Even the dog's paperwork at the vet is Dog XYZ-ABC, which I found just odd.
His dad was remarried in 1986, so I'd imagine this has to irritate his second wife beyond belief since she is also Mrs. ABC. Especially at family events. FI's mother remained close to the ABC family so she still attends all ABC birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays unless FI's dad is attending since they don't hang out in the same room. If I was my FI's current wife, I would have been understanding up until the children were 18 and then told FI's mom to go get her own family and take the hint that just because she was married to a guy over 30 years ago and had kids with him doesn't mean she can claim his name and his entire family as hers for the rest of her life, especially when her and her ex husband don't maintain a relationship. I honestly feel the worst for her new husband. He has to come to all the ABC family events with her. He's the only one there without the ABC last name. I'm not exactly sure what benefits he gets out of this marriage.
Just because they remarry, doesn't mean they will change the name. I am stunned by that.
I know a few women who kept their ex's name even after remarrying. One kept it alone, and one of them did a hypen... exhubby'sname-newhubby's name. Weirdos.
And the children are all over 40yrs old.
My FI's ex-wife kept his name and they still work at same company but diff locations. She had a baby 3 yrs ago by someone else (way after their divorce) and my FI hadnt realized that her child would have my FI's last name when he was born until the birth cert was official. My FI was VERY SHOCKED! I think she did give the kid the other last name on his birth cert but in the case of my ex MIL, she didnt. She kept her married last name after she divorced my ex husband's dad then she adopted 2 kids and gave them her ex husbands last name. He didnt mind though and when he died, the adopted male (a young adult by then) came to the funeral out of respect for his brothers (my ex & his brother).
I see why this bothers you. My FI's ex girlfriend and mother of his son use to use his last name although they weren't married. It wasn't official but when I saw a post she made online with HIS/OUR last name, I was pretty livid. There's nothing I could do about it but it really pissed me off to no end and my guy just didn't understand why.
"Well, just think, maybe one day she'll remarry and change her name then!"
@ohheavenlyday: My husband's ex kept his name. We can't wait for her to remarry. It's been 8 years since they divorced. DH wasn't happy when I complained that maybe there werent 2 guys out there dumb enough to marry her.
This is an extreme fix, but you and DH can opt for a new, neutral last name that the two of you will share independently of her. Or, he can take your last name? Just a thought. :-)
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I realize that ultimately it does not matter, but it bothers me that FI's ex wife kept his last name. She is a writer and is known by that name professionaly, so it makes sense that she kept it, and I get that.
If she were a nicer person I would probably not be so bugged about it, but she left him in such a brutal and mean way I feel like she totally does not deserve his name anymore. The fact that I will share it with her irritates me to no end.
I realize I am not the boss of the name changing world, (although if I were, oh the fun I would have!) so therefore it's out of my hands, and I need to spend my energy worrying about better things. I just needed to vent. :)