- 5 years ago
I am a frequent poster, however have created this account today because I am dealing with something difficult and wouls rather stay hidden.
Four years ago, I had a best friend named X who meant the world to me. He was such an amzing guy and we ended up having feelings for eachother. Unfortuately these feelings came to head as he was preparing to move away (far enough that it wasnt an easy travel to visit) which made our feelings stronger. Things got instense fast and he and I spent so much time together.. we had a special spot at the lake where we would go and talk for hours and hours. He was a perfect fit for me. I was devestated when he left and so was he, however there were lots of changes going on at the tiem, I was off to university and he was aswell, doing some school in his new town and we stayed intouch by email, facebook, letters, phone, whatever we could. for a long time.
I, after a few motnhs was vulnerable and lonely and became entangled in a relationship which I now see was very abusive and controlling, emotionally and eventually physically. I cut X out of my life because of this new boyfriend. He was devastated and tried to stop it but I was stupid and manipulated and truely believed that this was the right thing to do to X.
Fast forward two years later, I finally break up from the abusive relationship and start to pull myself together. I message X and tell him that I am sorry for everything, he forgives me and we casually agree to have a drink next time we are in the same town. I take my time getting back into dating.. and end up dating a mutual friend of X and I and we are now about to be engaged (yes.. I am a waiting bee). He is wonderful, everything to me, my one and only, etc.
Last December, X was tragically killed in an accident as a firefighter. I was so upset… devastated, but felt horrible for being so upset around my SO. So I kept alot in about the whole thing.. including how horrified I was that I let one of the few amazing people in my life who impacted me the most just..leave. How could I not have cared about our friendship?
But life goes on and I cant live with regrets.. I know in my heart he would have forgiven me. But last night I had a dream about X.. SO VIVID. .and we were snuggling in our spot by the lake talking about life and I felt the happiness I did when I was with him then.. I am so shaken. I know this will go away in some time again, but I cant help but wonder what if..
I love my SO and he has everything and more that I could ever want and need and he is amazing and sweet and I have no doubt he is the one for me in this life, the way it has gone.But we do not have those talks.. the ones that are hours and all night long. I mean, they happen but they are smaller and we connect in a much different way.
How do I get over this? How do I move past these memories that are consuming my mind and making me wonder about the path my life COULD have taken if I had stayed with X and he was here with me and not there where he was killed? Why am I dreaming about this ?
If anyone has read this far, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I would appreciate advice. I know this is strange, but if you knew my regular account name on here you would know how in love I am with my SO and that I do not ever nor would I ever think of leaving him . I know he is the ONE. That isnt the issue..
Thank you again, any help is very very very much appreciated.