Been married 3 months and I feel like I have yet to be a happy bride

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
64 posts
Worker bee

Honestly, reading your email, I feel exactly the same way about my SO atm (even though I dont have hald the problems you have mentioned).

I don’t know if it is the way my partner was brought up (or yours, although your ILs seem a bit taken back by their childs behaviour). Sometimes it feels like I put ALL of the effort into the relationship and get nothing from it. I wanted a partner, not a child. 

For you, I see that the overarching issue is that, despite the fact you are married, you still feel separate. The money is separate; you don’t think of the household furnishings as “ours” but as “his”. Maybe thats because Or maybe that is because his behaviour is so “I”, instead of “we”…. Who knows.

What I do know is that you need to take care of yourself. I have a very demanding job (although probably a lot easier to deal with than a class room full of kiddies!) and between dealing with that, taking care of a 26yo child (the SO), and some health issues – sometimes I have nothing left to give. So I make sure that I am my first priority. You need to think about you too. Go for a walk, get a massage, go to an art gallery. Whatever floats your boat, do it. Because if you need to be fighting fit in order to deal with the things life are throwing at you atm.

Post # 4
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

It sounds like you have your own issues. You are not happy with yourself and your life, so you project that unhappiness onto him and make him the bad guy. Honestly, get yourself into therapy and learn to be happy with yourself. Onl;y then can you work on your marriage.

Post # 5
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

I agree you need to get yourself in order and taken care of first.  The move to the beach might be the fresh start you need, you can buy new furniture together and make your home more ours.  I definently think you should continue working if you are feeling unequal in marrage.  Also remember to have fun, go on dates, travel and explore together, from what I’ve heard this sounds all business and no play which will not make either of you happy

Post # 6
Member
4639 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Maybe you should have spent your time and resources on making a home for you two BEFORE getting married, that way you don’t have to waste your time and energy projecting your own unhappiness onto your husband. Not to mention getting yourselves on the same page financially and in respect to working and future goals….

Your situation can likely only be fixed in counselling. You sound unhappy and that you rushed into marriage without any concept of making things WE/OUR beforehand.

 

 

Post # 7
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Well there’s a lot going on but I’ll comment onw hat stuck out to me:

 

You wanted him to work, but now you don’t want to work yourself? I don’t think that is fair.

It’s hard moving into someone else’s space (I moved into DHs house and got rid of most of my things, so everything was his).  It felt odd taking over at first, but I basically just said screw it, it’s my place too I’m going to do what I want (within reason).  I’d always ask permission before throwing anything out that seemed valuable or changing anything permanently.  Now that we’ve been living together for 2 years, it feels like our space and I have free reign of the house.  We’ve also spent the past 2 years transofmring the house from his to ours (getting new furniture slowly that we both like, etc.)  It’s definitely been a process that has gotten better with time.  For example, when I first moved in I suggested we rearrange our bedroom furniture a certain way. He totally vetoed it.  Well, we just got a new bedroom set and he was like we shoudl really rearrange it this way (meaning the way I had suggested when I moved in) I was like WTF i said that 2 years ago. (He had no recollection of vetoing it back then).  Likely, it was probably just him trying to cope with the change of me invading his space.

Sounds like you could benefit from individual and couples counseling.  Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@born2teachuga:  I’m so sorry for the position you’re in. Moving is one of the most stressful things you can do; and it can also take awhile to to make a new place your home.

You could try a different couple’s therapist. You could also try doing new activities as a couple in your new town. If you’re by the beach, maybe you could both take up a new water sport neither of you have ever done — like kayaking or water skiing — as a way of bonding with each other. Or even just agree to go for an evening walk on the beach together once a week.

 

Just remind yourself that your home is with him, whether that home is 1300 or 900 square ft, whether it has a dining table or doesn’t. So I would put the focus onto communicating more with your husband as opposed to finding new furniture. And when you talk to him, don’t just list all the things that are stressing you out. Talk to him as a partner, ask him what he thinks of this or that, ask him what he’s feeling. He might not be responding because he feels you just want to vent or that you don’t really want to hear his opinion. Be sure to let him know you do value his opinion and you want to make decisions as a team. If you’re accusing him of things as serious as cheating without any evidence of that, that is a really serious and hurtful accusation. You might need to begin by apologizing and explaining that this is not the kind of marriage you vowed to have with him, and you want it to improve.

And maybe you could start doing some new things just for yourself, like a join a local book club or a running club or volunteer at an organization you’re passionate about (meetup.com often lists these kinds of things). I also think it would be smart of you to go ahead with this new job. He might resent the fact that he has to work but you don’t. And working would allow you to make new friends and new connections in your town.

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