Post # 1
I recently got married almost 3 months ago. About a week before we got married, my husband quit his job. had had the finances to do it so I wasn’t worried. Well after we came back from our honeymoon and I had to go back to work, I think jealousy set in. I’m a teacher so I know I was about to have a vacation coming up, but we didn’t have joint accounts and I was buying groceries and paying utilities while he paid his share of rent and golf. Well about a month into no job, I couldn’t take it anymore and told him to get one and finally add me to his bank account because since getting married I changed all my info with work and added him to my insurance. He agreed to do both and then I found out he has a joint account already…with his mom! So before we could add my name, we had to get his mom to sign off that she agreed. Ok back to the job, we had 2 options on the table for him only because I wrote his résumé and cover letter and 1 of the jobs wasn’t going to hire until late end of the summer and the other required us to relocate to the beach. At the moment, hearing beach was sounding great bc I was tired and ready to be done with teaching. Then when I had to resign and started realizing that I had an amazing job with friends and was about to move to an area where I had no job and knew no one, I started freaking out. My husband got the job at the beach and had a friend he went to the academy with on his squad so yay for him he knows someone. He made so many compromises with this move. Said we could get a dog bc I have wanted one for a while now and with me not teaching, it helps me stay in that mommy role and feel needed (I had a child and he passed away when he was 2, so I have bad PTSD and when I’m not teaching it flares up when I get bored and lonely. That’s a diff story though.). He was all on board with that. Then we started looking at places and low and behold all had no pets policies, so no dog. I’ve been wanting to go back to school to get a master’s and so his second compromise was that I could take the year off and go back to school and just work somewhere part time. Then I got an interview for a teaching position out of the blue bc my principal loved me so much and wanted to help so she made some calls. That’s great but I feel burnt out and kind of wanted a break to regroup bc I’ve made so many changes in such a short time. I’d never turn down a job though.
Well this brings me to my last area of concern. Our house is extremely small and everything we own is what he bought before we knew each other. I would make mention here and there throughout the relationship that I wanted certain pieces and he would get them and they would do exactly what I needed them to do. Now they don’t fit here bc we went from 1300 sqft to 900. Everything is dull and crowded and we moved here so fast and so half cocked that we never really thought about the space and our furniture. I’ve spent the past week trying to decorate so that it looks like a home but I can’t for the life of me figure it out. I think it’s just that I’m overwhelmed with how much stuff is his and how it serves no purpose anymore and so things get used as junk storage and then when his family comes to visit they think I’m a slob and I’m just clueless how to make things functional. The one good thing with that is they visited one time and i was trying to make dinner and he said i was doing it wrong and sent me out and his parents asked if he always takes over and micromanages.
I tried sitting down today with my husband to discuss my concerns and he just listens and then says nothing. I said I can’t make any decisions about anything such as getting rid of something, painting, or reupholstering anything because it all belongs to you so I’m at a stand still. We bought a dining room table because I said that I was tired of eating in front of a TV on a TV tray. I’m trying to start traditions and become a family. He just never has anything to say. When we have discussions about things like what I’ve written about in this novel, he sees it as an argument and gets defensive and we enter into a lose/win or lose/lose. He can’t compromise and I know a lot of his behaviors is out of selfishness. We went to a couple’s therapist and that was his comment to me is that I cannot get upset when my husband does anything that is selfish bc that’s who he is. He said that in front of my husband and that made my husband very angry so we quit going. I will have problems and just talk and talk and he will never say anything but a defending or “remember when you used to…” Comment and then I’ll realize what the real issue is and it’s usually always the same. I don’t feel connected, I feel like I have no voice in our marriage, and don’t feel secure. I feel like roommates who share a last name. I beg for sex bc there will be weeks we don’t have it and he doesn’t say anything about it. That becomes another issue bc I’ll say “well we don’t talk, we just watch TV and then go to bed and not have sex.” I’ll accuse him of not loving me, cheating, and just become so insecure but I think it’s because i can’t see what he’s doing that’s making me secure. What do I do? Where do I start? Is there a deeper problem here besides feeling alone?
Post # 3
Honestly, reading your email, I feel exactly the same way about my SO atm (even though I dont have hald the problems you have mentioned).
I don’t know if it is the way my partner was brought up (or yours, although your ILs seem a bit taken back by their childs behaviour). Sometimes it feels like I put ALL of the effort into the relationship and get nothing from it. I wanted a partner, not a child.
For you, I see that the overarching issue is that, despite the fact you are married, you still feel separate. The money is separate; you don’t think of the household furnishings as “ours” but as “his”. Maybe thats because Or maybe that is because his behaviour is so “I”, instead of “we”…. Who knows.
What I do know is that you need to take care of yourself. I have a very demanding job (although probably a lot easier to deal with than a class room full of kiddies!) and between dealing with that, taking care of a 26yo child (the SO), and some health issues – sometimes I have nothing left to give. So I make sure that I am my first priority. You need to think about you too. Go for a walk, get a massage, go to an art gallery. Whatever floats your boat, do it. Because if you need to be fighting fit in order to deal with the things life are throwing at you atm.
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
It sounds like you have your own issues. You are not happy with yourself and your life, so you project that unhappiness onto him and make him the bad guy. Honestly, get yourself into therapy and learn to be happy with yourself. Onl;y then can you work on your marriage.
Post # 5
I agree you need to get yourself in order and taken care of first. The move to the beach might be the fresh start you need, you can buy new furniture together and make your home more ours. I definently think you should continue working if you are feeling unequal in marrage. Also remember to have fun, go on dates, travel and explore together, from what I’ve heard this sounds all business and no play which will not make either of you happy
Post # 6
Maybe you should have spent your time and resources on making a home for you two BEFORE getting married, that way you don’t have to waste your time and energy projecting your own unhappiness onto your husband. Not to mention getting yourselves on the same page financially and in respect to working and future goals….
Your situation can likely only be fixed in counselling. You sound unhappy and that you rushed into marriage without any concept of making things WE/OUR beforehand.
Post # 7
Well there’s a lot going on but I’ll comment onw hat stuck out to me:
You wanted him to work, but now you don’t want to work yourself? I don’t think that is fair.
It’s hard moving into someone else’s space (I moved into DHs house and got rid of most of my things, so everything was his). It felt odd taking over at first, but I basically just said screw it, it’s my place too I’m going to do what I want (within reason). I’d always ask permission before throwing anything out that seemed valuable or changing anything permanently. Now that we’ve been living together for 2 years, it feels like our space and I have free reign of the house. We’ve also spent the past 2 years transofmring the house from his to ours (getting new furniture slowly that we both like, etc.) It’s definitely been a process that has gotten better with time. For example, when I first moved in I suggested we rearrange our bedroom furniture a certain way. He totally vetoed it. Well, we just got a new bedroom set and he was like we shoudl really rearrange it this way (meaning the way I had suggested when I moved in) I was like WTF i said that 2 years ago. (He had no recollection of vetoing it back then). Likely, it was probably just him trying to cope with the change of me invading his space.
Sounds like you could benefit from individual and couples counseling. Good luck!
Post # 8
@born2teachuga: I’m so sorry for the position you’re in. Moving is one of the most stressful things you can do; and it can also take awhile to to make a new place your home.
You could try a different couple’s therapist. You could also try doing new activities as a couple in your new town. If you’re by the beach, maybe you could both take up a new water sport neither of you have ever done — like kayaking or water skiing — as a way of bonding with each other. Or even just agree to go for an evening walk on the beach together once a week.
Just remind yourself that your home is with him, whether that home is 1300 or 900 square ft, whether it has a dining table or doesn’t. So I would put the focus onto communicating more with your husband as opposed to finding new furniture. And when you talk to him, don’t just list all the things that are stressing you out. Talk to him as a partner, ask him what he thinks of this or that, ask him what he’s feeling. He might not be responding because he feels you just want to vent or that you don’t really want to hear his opinion. Be sure to let him know you do value his opinion and you want to make decisions as a team. If you’re accusing him of things as serious as cheating without any evidence of that, that is a really serious and hurtful accusation. You might need to begin by apologizing and explaining that this is not the kind of marriage you vowed to have with him, and you want it to improve.
And maybe you could start doing some new things just for yourself, like a join a local book club or a running club or volunteer at an organization you’re passionate about (meetup.com often lists these kinds of things). I also think it would be smart of you to go ahead with this new job. He might resent the fact that he has to work but you don’t. And working would allow you to make new friends and new connections in your town.