Post # 1
So my FI has been married before…which is hard for me, because that means this isn’t his first rodeo. He also has two (beautiful) children, a boy and a girl. And there’s this horrible part of me that feels like our wedding won’t be special, like the births of our children won’t be as special, because he’s already been there, done that.
Does anyone else find themselves comparing their wedding plans to "the first one?" I really wanted sunflowers, but his ex was crazy for them, and he said that when he sees them now, he thinks of her (and not in a good way…).
How can I get over the fact that this isn’t his first? I feel like Carrie in SATC movie, and everyone else is like "Yeah, this isn’t the first one" and I know that it’s right. What to do?
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall
YESSSSSSSSS. Except it’s me with the previous wedding experience.
If I look at it negatively, I feel like my poor man is probably worried that I’m all "been there, done that" about everything. Sounds like you’re worried that your man has "been there, done that", too.
From that perspective, I’ll tell you that I don’t feel that way AT ALL. This wedding, this marriage, it’s our first one and our only one. It will be MORE special to me because my man is THE ONE. The only benefit I see from having been married before is in terms of planning and paperwork: I know what needs to be done and how it needs to be done. I know what’s important to me and what isn’t, and I know of a lot of mistakes I won’t make this time around. But marrying my SO? that’s something I’m doing for the first time. This relationship, this ring, this wedding, and this lifetime partnership won’t be anything like the other one. I’m Sooooooooo excited to be his wife.
I also have taken strides to rid us of the past. Obviously you can’t and wouldn’t want to do that with children, but with other things/reminders around the house, I 100% recommend a purge, even if it’s hard to part with some things (like if they’re valuable). We got rid of a couch that belonged to my ex’s family before it became ours (mine and the ex’s). We got rid of all of the pictures, all of the things I’d picked up on vacations with the ex (like honeymoon trinkets and that sort of thing), and most recently, we got rid of the old ring.
I’m sure your man is excited to be your hubby, and isn’t thinking that he’s got to go through all of this again. He’ll be experiencing his first time marrying you, as you’re experiencing your first time marrying him. Same goes for when you have children. I hope that helps a little.
Post # 4
I too had a gorgeous first wedding. But luckily my feelings are such that I just feel NOTHING about my former wedding except that I have some gorgeous photos of myself and my dad (who sadly passed away a few years back) and some of my relatives and friends. I know T had a huge wedding before, and I will admit sometimes this crosses my mind.
But this is a new beginning. He IS the one. Our lives were always somehow in a direct parallel with each other, but for some reason fate/God/the Universe didn’t have us meet until a certain point in our lives.
After what happened in my life (my x was unfaithful) I immediately sold my ring as soon as I had filed for divorce. I needed the $, was a single mom suddenly, and it held no meaning or significance to me anymore..I loved it too, it was a 2.5 ct radiant solitaire with a plat band encircled with baguettes. But in the end, what it meant was no longer there.
There will be all new firsts to experience together. T and I plan to travel extensively and we love our kids and this is going to be a fantastic adventure together throughout the rest of our lives. We’re both committed to each other and are fiercely faithful types.
This is a fantastic new beginning. Focus on the new experiences created each day and make new traditions!
Post # 5
Not my first rodeo or his, but it is what it is and your day this time around, can be even more special, if you make it that way. The past is behind him, you have his future and during your day she won’t be the one on his mind. I know for us there is nothing the same about our love or our wedding as our previous rodeo’s. Ms. MightySapphire it’s all about the mindset, you gotta keep perspective! Kisses, Tmarie
Post # 6
It is my 2nd time but his first and I have 2 kids. For a while I felt awkward about everything, but then I got over myself LOL. You are all right, this is OUR first time. WE have never done this before and it is OUR commitment to each other that will be special.
Post # 7
Thanks for starting this board. I am a first-time bride, but it will be my FI’s second time. He had an unpleasant divorce, and we dated for almost 4 years before he proposed. We’ve talked about what went wrong in his first marriage, how we can try to make sure not to have similar issues. I am pretty ok with it now, and think that it actually makes him much more in tune to issues in our relationship.
RE: the wedding specifically, I know that our wedding is really different than his first, so that makes me feel good. We are making it a major family affair – having all of our immediate families take place in the ceremony and all of our guests promise to be there for us and hold us up when we need it. Having family involvement was really important to him – first wife and his mom didn’t get along at all, and I think that his lack of family connection during his marriage to her really hurt.
When I feel a little sad about something not being a "first" for him, I tell him. I don’t want him to feel bad, but I do need to get it out. That has helped a lot.
Bellenga – I really admire your strength in dealing with unfaithfulness, and am really happy that you have someone now who shares such an important value.
Post # 8
This is my second marriage – but my first wedding. The first time around was in some juge lady’s sun porch with two Army buddies, me and him. I swear that the judge must have thought I was knocked up because he was so hung over when we got home he passed out.
We will have our day and it will be the first for both of us, which I’m really glad about. And it will be everything I ever wanted because I had so many regrets for not doing it "right" the first time around.
We will be with all of our friends who are like family and my sister and maybe some of his family. He isn’t close to his family and mine is not happy out this, but that won’t take away from our day.
Everyone who has been a part of our lives over the life of our relationship will be there to support us as we begin our new chapter.
I think that the important thing is that this is both of your first day of the rest of your lives together as husband and wife. Everything before is before and everything after is you together.
Post # 9
This is my second marriage but it was my first wedding since my first one was in my mom’s living room when I was four months pregnant wearing a $40 white Maurice’s dress. I definitely don’t consider that a wedding and my marriage only lasted for almost 2 years when he screwed around with a girl on my 21st birthday with me in the same bed! Needless to say, 13 years later I finally found the absolute love of my life and we are enjoying our married life so much. He doesn’t really have any concerns about me being married before because it was so long ago and he knows that it was more of a shotgun wedding, lol. He even watched my wedding video that he found in the garage, which I was so embarrassed about and refuse to watch it myself. He got a good laugh out of it, lol. Ladies, I wouldn’t worry too much about yours/his previous weddings/marriages because it is the first time that the both of you will be sharing this experience and it is special because of that. After all, those ended in divorce and most times aren’t associated with positive feelings anymore. I view it as something that is minor and shouldn’t be causing you anymore stress than needed. You are sharing your special dat with your family and friends, I’d try to just focus on that. Good luck ladies!
Post # 10
Wre’ve both been married before. He had the big wedding, but I did not. I eloped before. So this time I really wanted to do it big, but he’s fought me the whole way. It’s been really hard compromising on things and we’ve gotten in fights over things as stupid as having a wedding party or not.
Post # 11
I think you have to think about it like sunflowers… He doesn’t even like them anymore because they represent her so there is no way he is going to feel like is first wedding was better. It’s probably a memory that brings a shiver to his spine. A reminder of a huge mistake he made.
As far as it being not as special when you have children.. would you feel like the birth of your second child would be less special than the birth of your first? And likewise his third child’s birth will be no less special than the first two. It will be completely different because it will be the love of his life that he will be standing next to and supporting! but no less or more important than all of his children are to him.