Bees, help me show some grace. (long)

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 4
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You can include her in the photo (it’s just a photo), but I’d suggest putting your foot down from here on out with everything else they put you through.
No more bending over backwards from them – they had their moment, it’s over. Now there is no reason for special treatment for them AT ALL.

Otherwise, imagine the restraints they’ll put on your wedding day? Your children’s birth dates? Holidays? I can’t even fathom what crazy things they’d request of you in the rest of your marriage.

Give yourself a break and stop giving her breaks. Stop letting them push you two around!

[ETA] I’m all for showing grace, but not when the courtesy hasn’t been offered to me. :/

Post # 6
Member
3918 posts
Honey bee

@TwoStatesBride:  It sounds like you have every reason to be pissed off with her / them but you above post points out so many reasons why you just have to let it go. I would feel pissed off and bitter about all of those things you mentioned, but just take this opportunity to be gracious and take the upperhand. By excluding her / them, you will allow her to make drama and take the focus away from you and your hubby on your big day. If you include her, there is no way she can throw it back in your face.

You will look like the classier woman and she will never be able to hold anything against you (thus…. you win! 😉   ). It is just one photo, put it on your list, get it done and don’t worry about it. I doesn’t need to be a photo that you look at every day, or even care that much about, but by not doing it you run the risk of looking petty and people making and big deal and taking sides and blah blah blah big family drama.

 

FWIW, I think she sounds like a cow 😉

Post # 7
Member
3918 posts
Honey bee

Oh and yes, don’t tell them your baby names and when the time comes, DO NOT let them dictate what you can and can’t have. Ugh, some people are just beyond!?

Post # 8
Member
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Just take the picture with them. It’s one picture and you never have to look at it again. You will come out of the situation looking like a saint.

If you wanted to be slightly bitchy, you could tell the photographer to intentionally fuck up the lighting/asthetics of this one picture. Then you’ve done the good thing by including them in a picture, but at the same time they will not win beucase the picture simply won’t be good. This would be a pretty dick move and I don’t know if you want to just forgive, forget and move on, or retaliate slightly.

Post # 9
Member
904 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

@TwoStatesBride:  I would definitely get a photo with them. If you do want to repair your relationship in the future, you may regret not having the photo. If you don’t ever have a relationship with them, you never have to display it or look at it 🙂

As for all of the other stuff (and there is a lot, I’m so sorry!), I would (continue to) take the high road. It sounds like you rarely see these people, due to the distance. Also, none of the things that happened can be changed– the actions at the wedding poorly reflected on the bride and her family, whereas your actions showed how understanding you are and what a good addition to the family that you will make. I’m sure when your future family in laws considers their two DILs, she thinks of you as the awesome one 🙂

If she’s going to cause you stress on your wedding day, don’t invite her to the activities (other than family photos, in my opinion, because she is family and it would be rude). Try to let go, remember that she is who she is and that you can’t change the past.

Sorry, that was short and probably not the most helpful! Good luck OP!!

 

Post # 10
Member
904 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

@MsBeer:  +1 haha, don’t tell her your baby names!

Post # 13
Member
526 posts
Busy bee

I too wanted to have a good relationship with my SIL.  Some things aren’t meant to be and the longer/harder you try the more hurt and resentful you become.  Best of luck.

Post # 14
Member
11300 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Ughhhhhh I feel you. You are being WAY too nice to these people. We’re in a similar situation with my FI’s brother and his wife. Actually, they just told us that they might not even make it to the wedding at all (they live out of state) because they don’t have the money (but they mysteriously found the money to rent a car and come up here a few weeks ago after the wife’s BIL got into a minor car accident). I’m done with them. They can be in a family picture if they come. Off to the side. They’ll be on my list for the photographer of people to avoid taking pictures of. I try to be teeth gritted civil when they’re around (which isn’t often), but after what’s been happening the last few weeks, I’m not sure I can handle that anymore.

Post # 16
Member
11300 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@TwoStatesBride:  Blehhhhh. This is why I’m an only child. I would have nipped this shit in the bud ASAP. Actually, I’m currently catching FMIL up to all of the shit that they’ve done to us in the last few weeks. She is nottttt happy.

I’m curious as to what your FSIL’s impetus for her change in behavior is. I mean, to go from being great to suddenly being a crazy bridezilla? At least my FSIL has always been a fake bia. I can’t imagine why your FSIL would want to marry a guy like your FBIL at all. :

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