- 4 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
I need some help from you girls showing some grace and losing some bitterness I’m still holding regarding FBIL and his new wife. It’s probably just me, but I could use some encouragement and advice.
So…some of you may have seen my stories on other threads about FBIL and his new wife’s wedding last year, and their demands regarding my engagement to FI. If you haven’t, let me recap:
FBIL’s wedding was across the country last year in the summertime. FI (boyfriend of 4 years at the time) and I had to fly several hours to get to their wedding, which was in the bride’s hometown and very far from any of groom’s family. This is completely fine, FI was a groomsman, but it was expensive, and I had to take time off of work. We came the furthest of any of their guests, from what I gather. I was so excited for their wedding, they had been together about 7 years by the time they were married, FBIL had just finished medical school, I really love(d) his new wife and it was a really joyous thing that they were getting married. Now…let me tell you a few things that happened that hurt my feelings/flipped me out about this wedding and the events surrounding our engagement.
Things that hurt my feelings at the wedding:
1) Three days before, FBIL calls me directly to tell me that MOB (craycray) decided that since other-FBIL’s-girlfriend and I weren’t engaged or married to the groomsmen, that we were not going to be seated near the head table and instead were being sat at the back of the reception room with a bunch of people we didn’t know. (Other groomsman’s wife was seated with family near the head table.) I told him not to sweat it, he had enough to worry about, and it wasn’t a big deal. FI thought it was a huge deal, but didn’t cause a stink about it. (This will be referenced later.)
2) Bride didn’t say a word to me the whole night. I get that the day was super tense and stressful (read below), but she actually skipped over our table (I ended up sitting with MOG and immediate family because they insisted) when she was making her rounds…awkward.
3) I was not included in any family photos (at the time I thought this was fine, because technically I was not yet family, but this too will be referenced later.)
Crazy things that happened at the wedding:
1) I got there early in case the groomsmen needed help with anything. I walk up to the reception hall (ceremony was to be held just outside), and the groomsmen all come pouring out and tell me that the groom and FOB have just gotten into a screaming match over some family photos that had been put out. In the weeks leading up to the wedding, bride had requested photos of groom’s family on their wedding days…this is super taboo in groom’s family, as everyone is divorced, including his parents who went through a VERY acrimonious divorce and still hate each other. Groom and bride decided photos should not be set out, but MOB decided to put them out anyway without telling anyone. Groom tried to take them down when he saw them and FOB got into a screaming match with him over it. An hour before the ceremony. True story.
2) Groom is jewish and bride is Christian. Ceremony and reception were supposed to be secular per bride and groom’s wishes. Without telling anyone, MOB had arranged for two readings from the Bible to be done during the ceremony in the place of the readings groom and bride had picked out. Groom’s face during the ceremony was pretty priceless. MOB also brought a pastor in to do a long prayer at the beginning of the reception during which she yelled “JESUS CHRIST!” True story.
3) FOB gave his speech and copiously thanked everyone on bride’s side, talked about his beautiful daughter and the beautiful bridesmaids, his wife and his wife’s friends, and listed all the states everyone had traveled from for that day…excepting anyone on our side. Groom’s whole side of the family was from another state…didn’t list it. …awkward.
4) At the end of the night, I ask best man what we are doing with the gifts (trying to be a good little helper), he says ask the groom. I ask the groom. He says put the gifts in friend’s truck because friend has generously offered to drive gifts across the country at the crack of dawn the next day. We load the gifts. An hour later as the reception is winding down, I hear MOB SCREAMING and RAGING inside the reception hall about how she’s going to ‘break MOB’s fuckin legs” and how she was going to “fuckin kill her” because she is convinced MOB ‘stole’ the gifts. She is throwing things, screaming at the top of her lungs and gesticulating violenting at anyone who tries to come near her and calm her down. Apparently she had arranged a secret brunch the next day to which none of us were invited where she wanted the bride and groom to open ALL THEIR WEDDING GIFTS. um, what? i thought that waws to be done in private between the bride and groom…and who was going to get them back to their home state?…
5) Not to mention, no one had communicated logistics to us about where or when anything was, so we spent a LOT of time googling addresses and calling groom during that weekend. It was like everything was a secret and bride’s family hoped we would get confused/give up and not show up.
Anyway. Here’s the situation with their demands on our engagement:
Nov 2011: FI and I go ring shopping so he can get an idea of what I like.
April 2012: FI purchases the ring with FBIL’s advice, as he had just purchased his new wife’s (FI at the time) ring two years before (they had a really long engagement).
Late April 2012: FBIL calls FI and says his FI doesn’t want my FI to propose to me within two weeks of the wedding. Fine, says my FI, I’ll make sure I do it soon.
Two weeks later: FBIL calls FI again and says now his FI doesn’t want my FI to propose to me at all before their wedding, and not for at least two weeks after their wedding, so no one is ‘fawning over us’ at their wedding and so they can enjoy their newlywed ‘glow’ for the two weeks after the wedding. FI is upset, calls his mother, who says not to cause drama and to just wait to propose. FI SAT ON THE RING FOR TWO MORE MONTHS and proposed to me exactly two weeks after their wedding.
They knew we were getting engaged at the time of their wedding and yet I was excluded from all family functions, she did not speak to me, and I was seated at the back of the reception with a bunch of her casual acquaintances. I’m not convinced if we were engaged that I would have been treated much differently, because this all seems to be coming from a place of them truly and sincerely wanting all the attention on them that day, and that they thought our happiness would somehow impinge upon that.
FBIL’s wife has been very standoffish when I try to include her in wedding planning, and very cold whenever I try to chat with her about wedding-related things. I understand that this may be coming from a place of jealousy, that they had a difficult time with family relations leading up to, during and after their wedding, so I have basically quit talking to her about my plans. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.
She texted me yesterday asking where the girls and I would be the morning of the wedding, and I said at the salon. She mentioned how fun she thought that would be, and how she loves all that girly stuff, so I invited her to come with us. She also asked if we were doing family photos, and I said yes. I didn’t really think too much about it, but when I told FI, he mentioned that he thinks she may have ulterior motives, that she wants to get her hair and makeup done and be included in family photos.
Here’s my thing. I believe that women are the core and central building block to extended family relations. I want(ed) to build a strong, trusting and loving relationship with this woman, so we could support each other and each other’s families in decades to come. Our children will be cousins.
I have placed on my photographer’s shot list a shot of FI and I and the two of them, but have taken it off and put it back on multiple times. I think FI is opposed to including them because of the way they treated us, and I’m on the fence. I want this relationship, but I think it needs to be a two-way street. I want to let go of my hurt feelings, but every time I think about the demands they placed on our engagement, my feelings are still hurt.
Sigh. Help me show some grace to these two, Bees.