Post # 1
I recently asked an old friend, we’ll call her Jill, to be in my bridal party and she couldn’t be more thrilled – ditto for me. We were high school pals who “took a break”. She dated some rather unsavory guys and I couldn’t be her friend while she was involved with some of them (I mean, they were just downright horrible men). Fast forward to 2 years after our “break” began, she was now free from the man drama and our friendship picked right back up. Recently (January) Jill began dating someone new, we’ll call him Jack – my fella and I adore him. He was charming, funny, smart and treated Jill like a queen. Recently we went out to dinner and Jack started spinning a web of fantastic stories – too fantastic. I started to question some of the things he was saying over dinner but kept my suspicions to myself. He claimed to have graduated from a prestigious west coast university where he was a member of a national championship winning athletic team and was a brother in a fraternity – not to mention he claims he was also friends with football players who were then drafted into the NFL and are now bajillionaires. I Googled his claims, he doesn’t appear on the team roster and there is no mention of his participation in the school, the athletic program or the fraternity anywhere but his LinkedIn page. The national championship he claims to have won was not won by the school that year…or any year that he claims to have been a team member.
Here’s my dilemma. Do I tell her? Do I expose the man she is in love with as a liar? She isn’t close with her parents (no contact with her dad in 10 years, contact with her mother is like tea with North Korea) and we don’t have any mutual friends I could confide in or lean on for support.
Post # 3
@MrsBudz2Bee: This is a hard one: he could just be one of those people that spins fantastic stories to entertain people. My mother is like that: she would lie even if the truth served her better. And usually it’s harmless, for example:
-“I was Miss Congeniality in the Texas Junior Miss Pageant” Truth: was in one, small local pageant in high school.
-“I used to drive a Benz when I lived in Vegas” Truth: nicest car she has owned is a VW 25 years ago.
-“My old boyfriend ______ was the love of my life. We were going to get married, you know.” Truth: guy told my aunts he had ZERO intention of marrying my mother.
Now, that being said, she also uses lying to con people, and THAT is a problem. She met her 5th husband online, where she told him she had several degrees and came from a family “with cattle.” Obviously, this would lead people to believe she is educated and well-off. The truth: our family owned 2 cows briefly in the 70s (so I guess not technically a ‘lie’) and she has ZERO college experience. Her soon-to-be ex husband bought her lies hook, line and sinker only to find out she was broke as a joke. In addition, she will convince people she is suffering from a disability to get goverment aid and help from churches.
It’s up to you to gauge what’s happening with your friends Boyfriend or Best Friend: is he just lying to be entertaining and it’s harmless? Or do you think he’s a con artist and compulsive liar? My vote is to sit back and keep an eye on everything.
Post # 4
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@MrsBudz2Bee: I wouldn’t tell her, she’s been listening to his BS since January so she must be fine with it. Plus, sounds like at least he’s better than the guys she’s dated in the past.
Post # 5
MYOB….. it’s not for you to research her dude. Let her do it and if she chooses not to, then she’ll deal with it. Go plan your wedding and don’t be so intimately involved in her life.
Post # 6
@badabing88: I’m still on the fence about harmless lies vs being a con artist. The minute she tells me he’s borrowing money or needs a place to stay, I will probably say something. I think for now, you’re right. My best bet is to sit back and watch.
@mchitt329: I don’t think it has crossed her mind to think his stories were lies. She’s very book smart but when it comes to stuff like this, she often falls in love with the fantasy. As for him being better than the others…at first, I liked them too. Her last fella was eventually committed to a psych ward, he tried to choke her out. I think it’s like jumping from the pot to the fire on this one.
@DJones69: Sounds like you have a lot of female friends.
Post # 7
@MrsBudz2Bee: Blah, what a tough situation! I have a tough time backing down when I know the truth about something, but in this case, I think you should let it ride… for now. You said he treats your friend very well, and until recently, you and your Fiance were enjoying getting to know him.
So, make a mental note of this, and continue to get to know him. If the lies continue to accumulate, perhaps it’s time to say something. But I think for now, especially to avoid drama before your wedding, you should simply keep an eye on him, and an open mind.
Post # 8
@MrsBudz2Bee: I do – and we all respect boundaries. Most of us have been friends 25 years + because of it. But then, we all left our 20’s a long time ago, so we no longer behave like children.
Post # 9
I wouldn’t say anything outright. I had a similar situation with my best friend and she got upset with me and we didn’t speak for two months.
If you hang out with him again I would just ask for more information. Pretend you are really interested and say you’d really love to see his awards and keep asking for more information and see if it’s hard for him to come up with details. Or bring up your phone and say “oh cool! I’d love to see the picture of your [fraternity, athletic team, etc.]. I’ll look it up right now.” and see how he reacts.
But then again, sometimes I like to be passive aggressive.
Post # 10
Don’t tell her straight out that you Googled him and he’s a liar. Since you said it may not have crossed her mind, encourage her to check him out for herself. Just have a normal conversation about Googling new boyfriends and how everyone obviously does it because it’s such a darn good idea. If you Googled any of your dates, tell about that. Maybe throw in a funny story about a couple who found out they were actually distantly related, or a girl who thought she found out her boyfriend was a felon but it was actually another guy with the same name, or whatever. Normalize it to her and try to make her curious about it.
Post # 11
@MrsBudz2Bee: Typically when you have to take a break from a friendship, you should not rekindle it, people become part of our pasts for a reason.
Now, you’re wound up in her drama again, citing a moral dilema because of it. This sounds exhausting and toxic. I wouldn’t tell her, I would actually cut ties with her.
Post # 12
Oh man, I honestly would tell her. He sounds exactly like my ex boyfriend. I lived with him for two years and had no idea he was a con artist sociopath who was lying to me the whole time. he was absolutely charming and everyone loved him, but he was always bragging about the school he allegedly went to and his made up job and accomplishments. All lies. Not only that but he’d go on “business trips” where he was actually just gambling and cheating on me with multiple women. It wasn’t until my friend started to date his brother that I noticed some of his stories weren’t true, so I did some digging and figured it all out. But I really with someone had warned me earlier and saved me two years and the serious trust issues I still deal with today.
Post # 13
Personally if it was my friend I would have called her the second I realized all of it was a lie and ask her if she knew anything about it or if I was just lost my google touches. Friends are supposed to be there for each other and have each other’s back. I dated a compulsive liar and fell for everything, I wish I had a friend that googled him and told me it was all a lie. She may be upset at first but if she is truly your friend she won’t let this get in the way of your friendship even if she decides to stay. I personally would come out and say but you could try what @4cube: said and get her to do it. I hope everything works out.
Post # 14
we all have the distant friend who spins the truth…Leave it alone. If she truly loves him and deals with all that stuff…she knows. Trust me.
Post # 15
I would just ask her if all that stuff he said is really true. If she asks why, just say b/c it seems far fetched. She may know he exaggerates and if not, this may prompt her to dig deeper. I wouldn’t fess up to the snooping.
I’d also ask if he could get you tix to a football game. Just in case there’s some truth to his stories, it would be good to get something out of it!! LOL
Post # 16
I would probably just bring it up when the 2 of us were talking. Something like the new guy you’re dating seems great! Where does he get his elaborate stories from? They’re entertaining!
That depends on the relationship though.