Bees, I need advice..preferrably from bees who have experience with drug addicts

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@Ninteenthchance:  wow. This is a hard situation and I am really sorry. All I can speak From is my past experience with someone I cared deeply For. it is not your job to help your brother.  In fact, if you want to truly help him, he will need to figure this out on His own And I know that the hardest thing for you will be to stand by and not try to fix this for him.  If you do, you are enabling his addiction and his inability to take control of his life and his sobriety.  He will never remain sober long term if he does not learn to make the right choices and the only way for him to learn that is through doing it.  I will be sending strength your way as you will also need love and support while your brother figures his s**** out.  

Post # 4
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1994

Absolutely do not give them money. If you are feeling generous, buy and give them some food, but thats it. (Don’t give them money for food, give them actual food). My step brother is a heroin addict, and has been in and out of rehab, again and again and again. It is a very tough habit to stop. I have heard methadone clinics can help people with heroine addicition problems. They have to hit bottom. Perhaps again and again. And if they don’t decide to stop, it could kill them. But unfortuantely they have to want to help themselves, and stick to it. It is a rough road. For anyone involved in their path.

Post # 5
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1994

Also, maybe they also need personal counseling?

Post # 7
Member
42522 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Ninteenthchance:  Yes, you can say no. The only way your brother is going to deal with his problems is if he has to deal with his problems. If you offer them a place to stay, I guarantee that they will steal from you, abuse your trust and start using again.

They can get a bed in a shelter if need be. There needs to be consequences to their actions in order for them to keep working their program.

Post # 8
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@KatB442: +1

All three of my older brothers had serious drug addictions, and any of my mother’s attempts to “help” them inevitably ended up enabling them. Honestly, if he wants to get clean, your brother is going to have to pull his life together himself. Nobody else can do that for him. The worst thing you could do for your brother right now is to give him money. The best thing, if he contacts you, is to say “I love you and I’m here to help you get clean if you need help getting into rehab.” Do not under any circumstances give him money, and be very careful about inviting him into your home, lest he steal something or take advantage of you in another way. It sucks, but it’s truly the best thing for both of you if you refuse to enable him. 

Also, my condolences for the loss of your brother and for all of the crap that your family is going through right now. What a horrible situation.

Post # 9
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@KatB442:  What am I supposed to do then? When my little brother comes to me and asks for help I can’t just say no….especially since our other brother just died…not even a month ago

i know it is easier said than done but you really need to try not to help him.  Be there to listen and offer encouragement but that is it.  If he is interested in rehab or a shelter you can support him doing those things but even then, HE needs to take the action to get into them.  Addicts are some of the most charismatic and believable manipulators. You have to protect yourself and your child.  if you or anyone makes this easy for him, he will never learn the skills he is lacking that will allow him to stay sober.  You need support through thIs. I love the idea of counseling for your brother and I also love the idea for counseling for you- with a counselor who specializes in addiction.  I had counseling with a counselor who specializes in treating addicts although I am not an addict because he understood and could help me to understand the mind and motivations of an addict.  

Post # 10
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Are you in the US? What state? Some states have public mental health treatment with sliding scale fees that may be able to help you pr even your brother.  They may even be able to help him get a state funded bed in an inpatient rehab facility. You may want to look for resources where you are to help yourself and to point your brother in the right direction.

Post # 11
Member
1175 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Ninteenthchance:  First of all I am really sorry for your loss of one brother.

 

Secondly…..MOM IS A BITCH!!  That is so uncalled for.  I can understand that maybe she too is fearful of losing another son.  But this is not the way to accomplish that.  Even though she has done rotten things in the past, doesn’t mean on some level that she doesn’t care or love her children.

 

I am a recovering drug addict.  I have ten years clean.  My sobriety did not come until I was ready to make that commitment.  Unfortunately, what you mother has done does nothing to help your brother.  Two weeks is a good start, but when someone (especially someone who is supposed to be close to them) makes up lies and steals from them, will give them enough of a reason for them to get high.  Sorry I know that is not what you want to hear.  But addict newly to recovery, do not have the ability to deal with betrayal, on any level.  Their addicted minds do not know how to process this like an unaddicted person can.

 

Heroin, is one of the hardest addictions to break.  I don’t think that they will be very sucessful without NA meetings everyday.  And a sponsor (both your brother and his GF need one-but not the same one), is pivitol to getting past the first several weeks to years of sobriety.   Any little thing will send them reeling, and a person who has been there knows best how to help.   I would see if you can get in contact perhaps with someone at NA and see if you can some how get a message to your brother?  

 

What can you do??  I would first try talking with your brother if there is any way possible…..which may be very hard since they have no phone contact.  Do some research, some churches, and community centers provide living resources for those who are severly addicted. Provided they are willing to continue to work towards sobriety, and eventually hold down a job and contribute to their own well being. I do not recommend that you offer him a place to stay.  He is still an addict, and part of being sober is taking some responsibility in his actions that brought him to where he is at.  I don’t recommend telling your brother to go along with your mother, this will only drive him further away.  He needs someone who is truly in his corner.

 

As for you own personal well being.  Being the loved one of an addict, is never easy.  I highly recommend AL-ANON.  They are in most communities, and they will help you to not feel the burden of being responsible for the addicts behavior.  They will also be able to help you in the greiving process.

 

One more final word of caution.  Your brother is and always be an addict.  They are master manipulators, and can lie on a whim.  It is nice that he has taken these first basic steps, but he needs to show you that he is really done.  Don’t allow yourself to be sucked in because you are grieving the loss of your other brother.  Remember, he is greiving too, and nothing makes that pain stop like the next high.  Be supportive, just don’t enable his behavior.

 

If you need to talk you can PM me.  Good luck!  I will pray that you brother is safe and sober.  And a prayer for you also, to help your heart heal.  HUGS

 

Post # 12
Member
728 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

What state are they in? I am a therapist in Florida and we have something called the “Marchman Act”. If someone you know is in danger of harming themselves or someone else due to their substance use, you can go to the courts and petition to have them involuntarily placed in a rehab facility for a number of days. I would look into what the laws are in your state and what you can do to get them some help.

Whatever you do, do not give them money because you will be enabling them. They need to figure out how to get themselves out of trouble. Plus, getting involved with drug dealers is very dangerous and you dont want to have your name attached to anything that has to do with drug deals. I understand your wanting to help your brother especially since you have already lost one but unfortunately nothing is going to make him stop using until he wakes up one day and realizes that he needs to make a change.

<3

Post # 13
Member
2163 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Ninteenthchance:  I think it’s a red flag that they don’t want to go to rehab. I have many, many heroin addict friends and I lost my best friend to heroin. I’ve seen one guy go to prison three times, he’s clean now (finally) but he still struggles with day to day living. I’ve seen a couple go through rehab and then split up, and they do fine without each other (I think a lot of their relationship was based on drugs). The guy who got my best friend addicted to heroin just died a couple of weeks ago from an overdose. I know women who have had children after being addicts, and after being threatened by the father that they would take the kids away, the women have gotten clean.

Really, it varies addict to addict. You should be there for him and offer him support, but you aren’t obligated to take care of him or force him to change. You can tell him about different rehabs (every place offers a different treatment plan, and the Salvation Army offers free rehab), you can offer to go to meetings with him. You can help him find affordable counseling. What you can do is give him the TOOLS he needs to change his life, and he has to do the rest. Good luck to all of you, and I’m so sorry about the loss of your other brother.

Post # 14
Hostess
8680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I lost one of my best friends to Meth.

She had alot of problems before the Meth, coming from a very overprotective family, and then, trying to rebel got in with the wrong crowd. She started hanging out with a girl who was younger than her [my friend was 18 at the time], and her friend would throw parties and things because her parents were never home. Her friends would have sex with multiple partners while everyone watched. Eventually, my friend started doing this, too. Getting so drunk she couldn’t remember what she did until someone told her…. sleeping with random guys at parties.

I was 3 years older than her.. and had “lost count” of men she had slept with after #36!!! THIRTY FREAKING SIX.

Now, I adored this girl. We started to hang out alot, and she stopped hanging out with her other bad influence friend. She even got to the point where she hadn’t slept with anyone in 9+, which was a HUGE improvement for her. She stopped doing all occasional usage drugs, but did spark up a doober once in awhile.

Because she spent so much time at parties, she never really had a boyfriend. She was a slightly overweight/chubby girl, but not gross. She was super pretty, too.

She ended up dating this 38 year old guy, who got her hooked on meth. She started doing it because he told her she’d lose weight [something she wanted desperately] I tried SO many times to get her to stop, it was so bad at times. Her mother kicked her out.. they were living in his VAN outside a gas station.

She just always said she loved him, she loved him. She lost SO much weight. She looked sick and unhealthy. She would ask me for money all the time, and I wouldn’t give it to her. I felt so bad. There was nothing I could do. I took her to rehabs, and she’d just find some way to get out and be with him again.

They ended up robbing a liquor store. After that, I cut off all contact. She was my friend, but that person she used to be wasn’t around anymore. And I can’t have that type of person in my life.

I later heard she was living under a bridge. A client of mine’s church gave them money, and rented them a hotel to sleep in… they stole everything out of the hotel, including a TV and all the handtowls.. everything.

The last time I seen her.. she was pregnant, still sickly, still super skinny, asking for me to give her a job.

[We also suspected they robbed my work as well, but can’t prove it. They stole things in secret hiding places that only a worker would know where it was].

I turned her away.


That turned out much longer than I intended it to be, but the truth of the matter is, is that drug addicts will NOT get help until they are ready. You can try to force them and force them, until something happens that MAKES them want to change. I can’t tell you what that something would be for your brother.

Post # 15
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I think you need to talk to someone who is experienced with drug addiction related issues. Would you want to try talking to someone on a free help hotline? They will be able to give you better advice than I could. Here’s a link with a list of hotlines, there are substance abuse numbers in particular, too: http://psychcentral.com/lib/common-hotline-phone-numbers/0001302

 

My heart goes out to you. My uncle (mother’s brother) was a heroine addict, and I saw how hard it was on my mom and my aunt. I won’t tell you how his story turned out, only that my mother really struggled with not knowing the right thing to do, just like you. You are not alone, and neither is your brother. Hugs.

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