Bees, I'm freaking out a little bit

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
11722 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’d be super uncomfortable too….  but focus on the fact that he chose you, and you’re the one going home to him after the shower, not her!  Do you best to be pleasant to her, but try to leave some space at the shower!

Post # 5
Member
2675 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI

Yeah, I’d definitely feel a little awkward about the situation. However, since so much time has passed I would also try and stop looking at her as your DH’s EX and start thinking of her as SIL’s friend. Maybe easier said than done. I’m sure though at a shower there will be plenty of other people there to keep you occupied.

Post # 6
Member
2684 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

@Brideonabudgetlauren:  That is soooo awkward. Would it help to remind yourself that lots of other women have been in similar positions and made it through? Just focus heartily on other people at the shower, including your SIL and MIL. Make sure you are REALLY busy during the shower. Clean all the things! Bring people drinks! Make sure everyone has food!

Post # 7
Member
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Ouch, that must have hurt pretty badly. I can understand why you’d be uncomfortable with it. Do your MIL and SIL know about the history with this woman? It’s hard to believe they’d invite her if they did.

Is this other woman aware of what happened between her, you and your husband?

Post # 9
Hostess
9907 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

that’s pretty awkward, but if you and DH have made peace with it (which I assume you have if he’s your DH) jus try and focus on the positive. 

I have to deal with this every so often too.  I dated a guy, rather briefly, who is a friend of my now FH who married a girl I know (who used to live with guy so knows all about me and him) This couple is good friends with one of FH’s best friends so every now and then the 6 of us end up getting together which is INCREDIBLY awkward for me, I have no idea how anyone else feels (even though FH knows about this, he refuses to discuss my past relationships which is fine with me).  I just smile and be as friendly as I can – the whole time on the inside I’m squirming and feeling very uncomfortable.

Post # 10
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Brideonabudgetlauren:  I would avoid her (she is probably going to avoid you.)  If she does want to chat, avoid talking about your DH and have a safe exit strategy in place.  A good safe exit strategy would be to have a friend/family member at the shower keep an eye out for the ex and call you over to help them out or discuss something important should the ex corner you.

Post # 11
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Oooh… That is HELLA awkward. Make sure there’s champagne or wine or some kind of booze punch, and make sure you’ve had one before the party!

Post # 12
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Brideonabudgetlauren:  The only thing you can really do is smile and be sure to sure your story with other happy to be non-commital gals that it could happen to them.

Post # 13
Member
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@BrandNewBride:  Yes, I second the booze!

That is pretty weird about your inlaws keeping in touch with this woman. How long did she and your husband date?? Is that the only connection she has to his family?

Also, why hasn’t your husband asked this woman to stay out of his life, including his family? Is this woman now married or otherwise attached?

Post # 14
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Brideonabudgetlauren:  Your post literally made my jaw drop. I can’t even describe the level of fury I would have. “Official” or not, we are all supposed to have moral standards and we shouldn’t be putting our partner at risk by sleeping with someone else and not telling them (sorry for assuming you were sexually active if you weren’t). The fact that he could live two lives comfortably and lie by omission just makes me sick.

And now you are expected to have the person he was “cheating” on you with in your social circle? His family needs to decide where their loyalities lie. If he was comfortable leading a double life before, I sure as hell wouldn’t want that girl to still be around. You are much more forgiving than I am though – I would have walked away and never looked back.

I am actually outraged for you! But to try and answer your question better, if she goes I wouldn’t go. They don’t have children together (I assume) and there is no need for her to still be in the picture. Hasn’t she moved on? I’m not all buddy buddy with my ex’s family and we were together 10 years. People break up and everyone moves on, including the family!  

ETA: she obviously got close to the family when they were dating…did you as well or was she the only one he brought around? It’s troubling his family wouldn’t care he had 2 girlfriends…I literally can’t believe how many bees are like, oh, it’s okay, just make it work. SERIOUSLY?! Why should she have to?! OP, you married him and you should not be having to deal with this at all.

Post # 16
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Ough, been there!  I dated a guy for six months (never called each other bf/gf), but I was only dating him, while he was dating around and I didn’t realize!  Goes to show, you have to state that you want to be official, no one just assumes it 🙁

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