BEES! Need relationship/- inlaws- family advice…

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@therealbee:  From what I have read, it seems that your FI is willing to make the move, but since it is not a ‘simple’ move needs some time to get everything together.

You do not need justify WHY you want to move back to Italy, because your reasons make sense.  And it sounds like they make sense to him too.  I guess, my advice would be to you is ensure you are having as many conversations as you can NOW, rather than later.  Ensure he is moving for your family unit (the one you are creating), and not for your happiness specifically.  Discuss how you plan to deal with perhaps unhappiness or frustrations, from him – from you – from your in-laws, etc, in the event they MAY happen.  Discuss expectations, a solid plan (where will you live, what jobs could you do, when you plan to move back to Canada, and/or your expectations with seeing your family and spending time with them).  

The best you can do now is protect yourself, your relationship, and this future child.  Yes, it appears it may cause quite a ‘stir’ with your future in-laws because he will not be accessible or at their disposal, but if he has made the choice with you, and ‘mans’ up to the decision and his family, then their reaction should not take issue with this decision.  I wish you luck!!!

Post # 5
Member
18 posts
Newbee

@therealbee:  

I feel for you. I completely understand why you want to go back to Italy and your family to bond with them again and get reconnected. Especially now that you have your daughter. 

While I think it might be ok for you to move to Italy for a short time, (maybe a year max), any longer could be a hardship on your husband– given his mother’s clingy ways. But I feel every young couple should try to live abroad for one year. What an amazing experience for all 3 of you! 

I think it is obvious why your MIL has not accepted you. One, she has an unnatural attachment to her son and two, she views you as her competition–especially with your Italian heritage and desire to move back to Italy, she feels you are the enemy:  the woman who could take her son from her. What does your FIL have to say about all this?

Post # 6
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

This sounds like a tricky situation. I find it hard to believe that it will be as easy for you FI to just pack up and move as he is acting like it is, considering how needy his mother is. I mean, you haven’t ever had a visit home for theholidays? How is he going to deal with his mother when he tells her you’re moving?

I have a lot of experience with dual-culture families; basically EVERYone in my extende family is in one. They all work  b/c of the very flexible attitudes everyone has (and really HAS to have) re: travel, visiting, holidays, and the whole concept of “culture.”

It sounds like you have been doing all the compromising here so far. If you can afford it, you should be traveling home once a year! 

In terms of relocating to Italy… it may not be easy to find jobs there. If you’re not married, will your SO be able to get a Visa? Maybe if he has a job lined up. Is he looking?

Where will you live? Does your SO speak Italian? Does your family speak English?

My FI relocated to Prague with me and I think it’s harder for him than he lets on. Granted, we’re pretty close to England, where he’s from, but he really misses English TV (eye roll, lol) and can’t take care of ANY of his medical stuff (which is a lot). I get stressed b/c I HATE dealing with beuaraucracy in English, let alone in Czech, and sometimes it’s a strain on our relationship. But the bottom line is, we will do whateve it takes to make this work. If we have to move to England at some point, I’ll do it.

I wish you luck!!!

Post # 7
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

@therealbee:  On the other hand, after living in Italy for a year, he may find that he loves it.

If he is willing to try living in Italy for a set period of time, do it. It will be a culture shock and a different lifestye, and he will have time away from his mother, which may turn out to be good for him.

I guess I am starting to have fears such as him resenting me, if something happens to his family while we are there and someone dies, I don’t want him resenting me for ‘taking him away’ and that happened while he was gone

Maybe he feels the same way – he is keeping you from your family and what if you resent him if you don’t see your family for a long time and something happens? In this situation it goes both ways….

 

Post # 10
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@therealbee:  Your plan sounds like a good one!

Generally, though, I think your fiance needs to establish healthier boundaries between himself and his mother.  I understand overbearing MILs…mine is the same way.  But my fiance is learning to be firm with her and to say, “No, Mom, we’re doing what is best for *us* as a family.”  You and your baby and your fiance are a family, so you need to do what’s best for the 3 of you.

Also, it sounds like your FI is open to moving to Italy and it’s obviously what you want.  The only person with a problem is your MIL.  Not her decision to make!  Do what you want to do and leave her out of it.

Glad you’ve come up with a plan that could work.  Best of luck to you all!

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