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Oh man, that is a doosie!
Did your FH tell you he was going for a paternity test before getting the results back, and that there was a chance he had fathered the child? (Even if he didn’t think it was his). I don’t believe she could have a paternity test without him having submitted to one (?). If he didn’t tell you – well that’s a big issue.
What does he want to do about custody? Have you two sat down and hashed everything out? Have the 3 of you sat down to discuss anything/everything? Unfortunately, you’ll likely have to deal with this woman now (if your FH is indeed the father) for the rest of your lives, in some capacity or another. I guess it’s up to you to decide what’s ok with you, and what isn’t – what you can live with and what you can’t live with.
Hugs.
@gabrielleelise1981: He was upfront about everything....we believe in full disclosure so he shared everything with me the moment after she called. He had no idea until 3 weeks ago about any of this drama! He just needs to legally protect himself from what she might pull later on down the line. He wants to know his son and for his son to know him, but not in the capacity of sleepovers and sharing him. And yes, there will be a meeting for the 3 of us and I will be present for all visits with the child, and her obviously. My dilemma is how to protect our journey until the wedding without it being tained by all of this very real, never going away SHIT!!!
thanks g!
Well, the ex aside, maybe it'll all turn out lovely with the child. It is his son, and maybe he will just be completely won over by him and it'll all go over well. Positive thoughts?
But yes, he does need to legally protect himself. Have you guys met with a lawyer to at least have an idea of how this could go down and what sort of child support (especially back pay?) might come of it?
*Hugs* Oh, sweetie, as your wedding date twin, I can understand that you're looking forward to the wedding and are frustrated with all this stuff. I'm sorry you are going through this. All I can say is, try to keep your chin up. Remember how much you love each other and that, no matter what, your wedding day is still Your wedding day. Despite all the frustration, you will still have that. In the meantime, I agree with the others. Be smart and make sure to meet with a lawyer so you are able to cover yourself.
Something as serious as this, I say just look on the bright side as best you can. The fact is it happened. He has a son. And he just found out about it 3 weeks before your wedding. Do what you need to to protect yourselves legally and financially, but embrace the changes in your lives. Plan on being a great step mom to this boy and enjoy your wedding!
@Bride109:see, i knew i needed to share this with ya'll! he has a meeting set up with an attorney next week. we are totally on top of it but it's taking it's toll already. this is such a shock to him and he's devastated that this is effecting me and that it is as a result of something he had no idea about. i am not angry with him at all, that i am certain of. however, and this is huge and yet i completely understand...he is amazing, he treats me like a princess, he's loving, affectionate, kind, warm, and we really have an extraordinary relationship, he's visibly withdrawn and angry and he's not acting the way i am accustomed to being treated. and it being so close to our dream day, it's a tough pill to swallow that this storyline is distracting and pulling us away from where we want and need to be.
Oh good, I’m glad to hear he told you about everything up front, I wasn’t sure from your first post if he told you upfront, or only after the child was proven to be his.
You guys don’t have to decide everything now/today regarding visitation with the son, that might be something that just naturally develops over the next few years.
I don’t really have any specific tips on how to deal with the next few weeks before the wedding, sorry. Obviously, the situation is not ideal – but, you love him, he loves you, and you have been completely honest with each other. Be there for him, but make sure to take care of yourself at the same time – he’s under a huge amount of stress right now, and is probably angry and embarrassed, and scared about finding out he fathered a child. Good luck with everything!
Maybe you can call a counselor (is one offered by your company? mine offers "hotlines" which is why i'm bringing it up) and see about some ways to maybe help your FI....there may be some tactics you aren't aware of.
If he's angry and withdrawn, maybe there is something you can do, like bake him some cupcakes or something. Just lets him know you're thinking about him, even if he's just stewing personally right now. It may take awhile for him to snap back into himself. In the meantime, you'll just have to buck up and be HIS rock. He needs you and all you can do is be there for him and be the clear headed thinker.
thank you ladies....my plan has always been to take care of him during this time, not always the easiest thing to do, but really, the only thing i can do! the other component here is that being 47 we have decided not to have our own kids, a bittersweet decision because i have always dreamed about making a human from this kind of enormous love. we are totally on the same page, we want to travel and have adventures. now he has a kid. it's painful for me. i feel envious in a way that he made a person with another woman. now, if he knew about this when we met i wouldn't have a problem with it at all....i always assumed 99.9% of the men i met would have kids at my age. so i'm dealing with my own issues surrounding this news, and yes, he may be somewhat of the child i never had. i'm hoping for the best!
Wow, that is a ton to take in. BUT step outside the box and read all the wonderful things you said about your fiance. If you guys are in love, find a way to work through it. From the sounds of it, you are still in the initial shock of everything so time and preparation will heal this wound. Stuff happens, trust me if I could share half of the Jerry Springer syndrome I have seen in my family this would seem like small potatoes.
Good luck!
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this so close to your wedding day. As I am sure you have figured out, this is a life changing event. I admire you for being so supportive and understanding. It is completely natural for you to feel the way that you do. It is obvious that you guys have a great and open relationship. I am sure he feels as though he has hurt you and let you down, which is probably why he is so withdrawn. Meeting with an attorney and counsoler will answer a lot of your questions and hopefully give you the tools to move forward in a positive way. Just try and focus on how strong you guys are... you can make it through anything, which is more of a reason to celebrate your upcoming marriage. Best of luck to you. I will keep you in my thoughts.
PLEASE make sure that you are involved with the legal stuff--yes, it's his kid from a past relationship, but you are going to be wed to the father and this will affect you as well as him financially and otherwise.
YOu seem to have the right attitude, all things considered and I think you're right to think upon the kid with an open heart.
WOW! My mouth dropped while reading this. This blows everyone elses problems out of the water. But hey, this is just a curveball that you and your husband to be are going to have to get a handle on together, just like any other life challenge that comes your way. He probably needs your support and comfort just as much, if not more than you need his. Imagine his emotions!--Coming to find he has a 2 1/2 year old child that he didn't even know existed! It's kind of crazy. Timing couldn't be worse but this will just test your love. I feel for you and can't imagine the thoughts and emotions running through you.
When life hands you lemons, make lemonade! This could be something great..who knows?
Man oh Man does this suck!
Try to be postive (as much as you can before the wedding!)
* he wants to protect himself AND you!
* he wants to know the child -- this will diminish a lot of unnecessary drama
* this child might be super awesome for the two of you!
Well.....we had a peaceful night trying to be as "us" as possible. In the light of day, the elephant is back and it really takes everything I have to not worry about this unfolding story. I really appreciate all of your responses and frankly reading them makes me see the situation in the mirror and yikes, it is not what I signed up for. BUT.....and this a big BUT....I am in this forever and WE WILL PREVAIL! Life hands you scenarios that are soley meant for you to learn something we desperately need to learn. The lessons aren't revealed until it's behind us. I look forward to seeing the backside of this elephant's ass! I really just want us to be us again which is a remarkable place to be and these next weeks leading up to the wedding are so important emotionally and spiritually. The timing of this drama couldn't be worse!!!!
I am really sorry that you are going through something as major as this so close to your wedding. I don't have any better advice that was already given, but I just wanted to say that I hope things work out for the best for your and your fiance!
Oh boy---and I've been really worried about it raining on our twin wedding day...
He probably has a lot of guilt about the situation and how it's affecting you. I think the best thing you can do is reassure him that you don't blame him. This type of thing could happen to any of us.
I think you both have the right attitude about this situation and are taking the right steps. Hopefully this child ends up being a blessing in your life. He obviously needs some positive influences since it took his mother 2.5 years to contact his father...
There are a lot of us 10/9/10 ladies on this thread! It must be like a homing device...when one 10/9er is in trouble, we all jump on the thread for support :)
Sweetie, I am so very sorry you're dealing with this problem mere weeks from the wedding I'm sure you've worked hard for, and waited a long time to have. Just keep it in mind that he is being 100% honest with you, which shows what a strong relationship you must have. He didn't mean for this to happen, and he didn't know anything about it. You're right that the timing truly sucks, but maybe his son is a wedding gift for the two of you. If you have made the decision not to have children together, you will at least have a child in your life. He is young enough for the two of you to have a positive relationship with him from very early on. The fact that another woman has given birth to the child doesn't change the love you and your fiance share one bit. It happened before you were together. I can certainly understand the pangs of jealousy, but you are doing the right and responsible thing by talking with your fiance and seeing a therapist to help you wade through the emotional minefield. Personally, I think you should feel pretty damn proud of yourself. There are a lof of folks who would NOT handle this situation well. But you and your fiance ARE handling it well. Be proud and continue to walk the path you're walking. You're doing the right thing. Good luck, honey!
@mundaetraversa:all of you are so wonderful i can hardly speak! i love how you introduced your reply about when one 10/9er is in trouble we jump on the thread for support. i am learning that this is indeed so and i am the grateful recipient of this kind of love!
things are progressing...lawyers, birth certificates, uggh....when it is all said and done i will report back, but since there are so many factors and variables, we are very much in flux.
we shared this information with my best friends (the couple that is hosting our wedding) and that was a major release for him and a sign of trust in them and me. we had a beautiful evening after and really solidified our connection and journey together. he is being unbelievably supportive of my feelings about the wedding and shares them with me. we want to have this piece of time and hold it close and not let this overshadow this precious time.
you all have shown me that we are a group of compassionate and loving comrades and on this journey to wedded bliss together. may you all have blessed wedding days even if the lemons are tripping you!
Love to you All!
I am so sorry that this is happening to you at this time in your lives. I understand that it is stressful to say the very least. I believe that all things happen for a reason, and as long as there is no death or tragic accident involved, every cloud has a silver lining.
My personal opinion is to relax and focus on the good things that can from this. You didn't mention in your post if you had any kids of your own. If you don't then this could be a blessing in disguise! You can gain a child to have in you two lives with out the labor pains or stretch marks! 
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I need your advice and your shoulders....
We are getting married in 29 days. Everything other than a few minor details are done, ordered, etc and we can essentially coast right on through until the celebratory weekend begins.
We adore each other. I am 47 and he is 41 and he is truly the love of my life and the one I waited for. This is my first marriage. He is divorced from many years ago, no baggage....until now!
A few weeks ago he gets a call from an ex from about 3 years ago. They had about a 1 year very casual relationship, neither were in love, you get the picture. Well, she proceeds to tell him that she had a child 2 1/2 years ago and it's his. She is married to a sterile man and she believed she couldn't get pregnant due to some bullshit fibroids....bla bla bla! Well 2 weeks ago the paternity test proves him to in fact be the father and now this woman is in our lives, at least to the point of phone calls, custody issues (not ours, my FI is not interested in that though does want to know the child) and he is in the process of finding a lawyer to draw up papers to protect himself and me. I am calling therapists so I can healthily deal with this.
I know, horrible right? Well here I am 29 days from the wedding which should be the most joyous time in my life, in our life, and we're dealing with crazy lifetime tv shit! I am angry, he is angry, we are scared, we are fighting, I am crying, and frankly, I don't know how to put it aside. Things are time sensitive and we need to deal with it now. I want to scream! I don't want to be selfish but ladies, I have never been married. I know this man to be my forever love and nothing will change that but this situation is fucking up my happy!
HELP????
And Thank you!