Bees, what would you do in our situation?

posted 3 years ago in Money
  • poll: What would you do?
    Elope and tell everyone : (12 votes)
    8 %
    Elope secretly and tell everyone after the fact : (5 votes)
    3 %
    Move, then get married : (24 votes)
    16 %
    Just stick it out without getting married : (105 votes)
    72 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    332 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2014 - Sea Ranch Lodge

    It sounds like you need to check out some less expensive schools? Are you going to a state school? You can definitely find something for less than 10k/ semester. 

    Another question: what DOES your dad pay for? It seems like SO pays for a lot of your expenses… Why are you guys living with your dad if he’s making you pay rent?

    I would recommend you speak to a college advisor about scholarships now. There are many out there that are for transfer students and non-freshmen. I think you need to explore this option more since it would take a lot of weight off of your shoulders. I think you also need to find a job (even if it’s not your dream job) working anywhere (many schools will let you do work-study working at a coffee shop, library, maintenance, etc.). You both need to get your finances in order.You sound like you’re trying to be independent without actually supporting yourself at all. You can’t always rely on other people to pick up your slack. 

    As for engagement, I don’t think this necessarily has to do with everything else. If you are in love and plan on getting married, might as well get engaged and give yourself some time to work out the details. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    2076 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I wouldn’t get married. How would you guys be able to support yourselves if your parents got angry and threw you out of their house?  Also, why are you planning on going to a $10k/semester school if you have no means to pay for it, since it seems like you may not qualify for the scholarship?

    Honestly, marriage is hard and money troubles add another level of stress to it.  You’re only 19.  I know you don’t want to hear you’re too young but really, you’re not in the position to be independent and if your parents won’t support you getting married so young, I’d seriously reconsider getting married right away.

    While it is not ideal, have you considered quitting school for a while and getting a job?  You could save some money, be independent from your parents, and go back to school once you’re more financially stable. Then, consider getting married. 

    Sorry it’s not what you want to hear, but I can’t see how it’s a sound decision to get married at this point in your life, given your circumstances. 

    ETA you make no mention of how long you and your boyfriend have been together. You also don’t say that you want to marry him for any reason other than it may make things easier for you financially.  I’m not accusing you of marrying for money, I’m really not. But please evaluate your relationship and if you want to marry him for the right reasons. As I said, marriage can be hard enough when life hands you a shit-sandwich.  Make sure you’re not setting your relationship up for hardship by creating your own shit sandwich. I really don’t mean to sound so harsh. Just trying to offer advice as an unbiased, nonemotionally invested source.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1361 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    I don’t think it’s a good idea to get married until you’re financially stable, money issues are a leading cause of divorce, don’t put yourself under that stress if you can avoid it.

    I’m not going to say you’re too young- I’m only 21 and I got engaged 2 days after my 20th. You sound fairly mature, IMO you can tell a lot about a person from how they write.

    Given the options, I would go with number 3 as you’re planning to get married anyway, and it seems like this option gives you the least amount of debt.

    In your situation, I’d be trying to find a less expensive school, or a job flipping burgers/babysitting. Anything, really.

    Post # 6
    Member
    194 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    I’m sorry you’re going through this! In terms of your living situation, I would continue to live at home just so you can save on rent. I am sure it is less than ideal, but you may get yourself into more financial stress if you move out. Of course, it also would suck spending your newlywed time in their house as well. Do you feel like you can wait and get married after you finish school and can save money? That way you wouldn’t have to elope and could have a more traditional wedding (if that’s what you would want).

    i know the idea of student loans suck, but most people who go to college have them. The rule of thumb I have heard is to only have a loan that’s equal to or less than what you will make your first year in your profession. If you have 50,000+ though, that will be difficult. I just graduated last year and my friends were in a variety of careers. The only friend who comes near that 50,000 is in finance. Starting salaries, even for bachelor’s degrees, are way lower than I would have thought. I would research how much you will make as you start out an only get a loan for that amount. Hopefully you can supplement the rest with scholarships, grants, etc. or just work your butt off in the summer and pay the difference that way. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    1068 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    @ForeverBirds:  I think getting married before college to manage the financial burden is not the worst idea.  My fiance’s parents did it, and they’re still happily married.  I also considered doing this with my highschool boyfriend (on a pretty fraudulent level, since we were not planning on staying together) and ultimately decided not to.

    It sounds like you think this is a little young to get married in an ideal financial situation.  What would you do if the marriage didn’t work out?  Have you two discussed expectations of what it would mean to be married in this context?

    I think you should talk about it with your parents.  This might be a solution worth considering for them.  I would not necessarily do it if your parents have a problem with it (which is why I ultimately chose not to).  I would not get married secretly–that’s just not the kind of relationship you should have with your parents, and I imagine it could continue to be a problem for a long time.

    I will say that when I called the FAFSA people and told them pretty explicitly what I was thinking about doing, they said it was fine and actually encouraged us to get married quietly and have a wedding only when we were really sure that we wanted to be married permanently.

    Post # 8
    Member
    4220 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Step away from school for a while, get a job anywhere, save up some money and start school again when you can afford it. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    7208 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @ForeverBirds:  My option isn’t there: small local wedding.

    Since it’s important for you to marry soon, and important for your parents to be there, I suggest a really small wedding: like just you and both sets of parents, and perhaps the siblings.

    Post # 12
    Member
    2076 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    @ForeverBirds:  Thanks for not getting defensive and biting my head off. 🙂  I assumed you love BF and it sounded like you’ve both been discussing this but I felt I needed to say that on the off chance that wasn’t the case. It isn’t unheard of on the Bee for women to have all sorts of things planned out and the SO has absolutely no idea.

    Anyways, I hope you get your situation worked out. Things have a way of working themselves out in the strangest ways when you least expect them to.  Best of luck to you and SO.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1372 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    Your Dad shouldn’t be claiming you if he’s not providing at least 50% of your support. If your looking at private schools, it wouldn’t hurt to ask the financial aid office to do a second look at your aid package. I had to do this when my parents separated and put up an iron curtain.

    It sounds like your major is pretty limited. Is it possible to look at schools out of your state if your state offers a unique major scholarships that lets you look outside your state?

    Post # 15
    Member
    10384 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Oh man. What a tough situation. I totally get the specific major that is only offered a couple of places – I studied marine biology! Completely understand wanting to go to the better school :-).

    I think, if you are ok with the fact that a marriage at 19 in financial duress could lead to stresses that could cause your relationship to possibly not last, and you are ok with that tradeoff vs higher interest, then it’s a valid choice. If it were me, and I knew I could pay off the loans with a higher interest rate….I think i’d likely choose that path. I’d rather have independence and know I had my own back than rush marriage (regardless of age, honestly!). Are there any out of state options that might be cheaper? Or offer better financial aid? Probably not, but just a thought :-).

    Post # 16
    Member
    342 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    @ForeverBirds:  I’d marry him. If you’re so sure about him with all money matters aside, a nice FAFSA form could really help. Of course, don’t just do it for the money, but if the outcome is goign to be the same regardless, it doesn’t matter much that money shortened the timeline.

    I’d do a small wedding with your parents and best friend, even if its just at the courthouse or in the backyard. Y’all can throw down later.

    FWIW, I’m 19, FI is 20. He’s recently lost a humongous scholarship and though our parents can easily help, and we have savings… We’re not in a situation as dire as yours… I unashamedly cite FAFSA-based eligibilites as marriage perks. We got engaged before the scholarship went kaput, and I’m not marrying him for the money. But him getting a scholarship would still ease things for us.

    Also, I don’t know how big of a hangup it is to live with parents as a married couple for y’all, but if it puts you ahead in the long run, I say it may very well be worth it! Good luck, kid.

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