Bees Who Don't Talk to FI's or Your Own Family… Come On In!

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

We have very minimal contact with either of our families and live halfway across the country from both.  We have children, so they of course try to be involved, but we’re just not willing to deal with them.  My issues with my parents stem back many years and he’s always been distant from his for numerous reasons.  Everyone was just fine with this until we had our first child, then it was a huge ordeal that we had nothing to do with them.  Mostly, we manage by not engaging.  We avoid them.  I evade questions by other family members so as not to give them information on our life.  It’s much more peaceful this way.

Post # 5
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Coral99:  For our children, they are absent an extended family, but I’d rather that than have them see their parents treated like crap.  It’s sad that we don’t have big family holidays and whatnot, so I do wish things were different for our kids.  

I don’t blame you for  not wanting a relationship with people who want to stop your wedding.  It must be hard for him.  It was hard for me to realize my parents didn’t care about me and took even longer to get over that.  He must be devastated to see them for who they are. 

 

Post # 7
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

DH and his brothers chose to estrange themselves from their father and his wife.

 

I can understand why, but at the same time I had a good relationship with them and do miss them from time to time.

 

It has been over two years since they have spoken, although his dad and stepmom do reach out through letters and messages every few months.

 

 

Post # 9
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

FI’s mom hates me and is being ridiculous about the engagement/wedding, so for my own sanity I try to avoid her as much as possible.  Whenever I hear about the great relationship others have with their in-laws or hear about everyone hanging out or going on vacations as a family, it makes me really sad.  FI alternates between being sad and being at a complete lossas to what his mom’s problem is/being mad about it.  We both wish she would go to therapy because the engagement is clearly bringing up a lot of issues and emotions for her, but we know she never will.  We’re planning on going to a few couple’s therapy sessions so that we can figure out the best way to deal with everything.  FI will talk to his parents on the phone once or twice a week and visits for holidays, but after the last time I visited with them, I seriously never want to go back.  They came to our engagement party last month and I barely spoke to them, just smiled, said hi, introduced them to people, etc.  I do worry about what will happen when we have kids.  If his mom doesn’t improve, I really don’t want my kids around her.

Post # 11
Member
1952 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Coral99:  I don’t speak to a good portion of my immediate family. My father (who I now dub as Sperm Donor, or SD for short) has done some unforgivable things, and my sister has said some pretty cruel things to me. My brother sided with my sister and now I don’t speak to any of them. I’m not at all sad about it – in fact, I feel happier knowing I’m not being dragged down by them. FH and his dad just started talking again after two years. I love his family, they make me feel needed and loved. If I ever feel sad about my own family not talking to me, I just remember how terrible they were to me and I’m not upset anymore.

Post # 12
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Coral99:  in case it helps, this is my post explaining more http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/what-to-do-regarding-ffil-fmil-advice-needed?replies=6#post-6516325  and another bee linked her post explaining something similar in comment #5.

FI’s parents didn’t speak to us for months.  The time w/o FPIL’s negativity and anger is bliss.  Would it be nice if they were positive ppl and happy for us in typical ways? Yes.  If they are going to remain negative, controlling, and hateful is it better to get the silent treatment from them and not have them attend our wedding in an attempt to ruin it?  YES. So there won’t be tears here over that. (but maybe you and your FI only figured out what was going on with his parents recently?) 

My advice is to be honest with yourself/each other about what the situation is (who FPIL are and how they choose to behave). Figure out what your preferences are if your FPIL continue to act unreasonably/negatively.  Figure out what you preferences are if your FPIL get it together to act reasonably.  And remember whatever good things you have because many ppl have horrible parents & STILL don’t have all that you two have – each other, health, good jobs, good friends, any other good relatives, etc.  That’s it.  No need to be sad about them or sit around trying to figure out how to make them act reasonably- it’s impossible.

Also, remember that you 2 and your reasonable good friends and loved ones will be at the wedding- you’ll be there.  While his parents (if they don’t get it together) will miss the wedding for silly reasons- they’d be the ones missing out on such an important event that they want to attend, not you. good luck

Post # 13
Member
6273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i have a very small family and of them not everyone can make it to the wedding.

i have no relationship with my dad’s side of the family.

FI has a large family and I look forward to being apart of it.

I am sad when I think how small my family is. 

Post # 14
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m mostly estranged from my extended family because they treated my parents like crap.  My parents decided to cut out the grandparents/aunts when they realized us kids could see what was happening.  EXCELLENT CHOICE!  My cousins were all blessed to have a close relationship with our grandparents–and they are all worse for it!!!  My siblings and I are happy and healthy and much better off having had only limited exposure to the toxic relationship my grandparents created with those around them.

The only outcome of it is that I find it somewhat hard to wrap my mind around being close to grandparents (when people say ‘oh my nana was my best friend!’ I am always like ‘really? but she was so old….’).  But my kids will be close to their grandparents (my parents) so I don’t see any lasting damage from cutting out relatives who treat you like crap.

Post # 15
Member
1343 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My dad and his 23 year old girlfriend. I have tried literally my whole life to have a relationship with him. He divorced my mom when I was 1, and moved to the beach hours away from us. Came back, got married to my step-mom whom I loved very much for 14 years. He divorced her (long really messed up story). Got with some random crack-headed (literally, she’s in prison now for drugs and prostitution) woman on myspace. Had a baby with her at 40 (the year I went off to college). Married her, divorced her in the same year after the baby was born. Got back with my step-mom. Met a 23 year old woman and left her again. 

Woo that’s a lot to actually type out! Anyways, throughout it all I’ve been nothing but a forgotten afterthought. He never calls, never cares… I’m constantly worrying about what drugs he’s using, if he’s going to end up in jail for something stupid… So when 23 year old girlfriend (who graduated with me at my highschool) got pregnant and they told everyone else but me I was devastated. I distanced myself from them. She lost it (she was only like 12DPO when she told everyone and she absorbed it) and they still didn’t tell me. Fine, whatever. But when I graduated from university and he didn’t even call… that’s when I knew all hope was gone for me trying. 

So now about the wedding, I invited my old step-mom (the one who I still dearly love) to the wedding as well as her three chlidren who I grew up with. So my dad found out about it, messaged me on facebook asking if he needed “to put that on lockdown” (who talks like that?!) meaning she can’t come to the wedding… And I finally cut all ties. I truly lost it. He hasn’t even asked about the wedding let alone paid a cent towards it…so he definitely didn’t get a say. I figured if I had to look at his bimbo who doesn’t work or even watch her own kid from a previous marriage, then I could invite my step-mom. (What he didn’t know is that she isn’t coming out of respect for him but was thankful to have gotten an invitation.) 

My bridal shower is this Saturday. I have no idea if he’ll be there… I haven’t talked to him in months. I dread the thought of even having to look at him. I’ve wasted so much thought and tears and worry throughout the years. Maybe one day he’ll realize he needs therapy and help, and then it’ll dawn on him that he has a daughter who loves him out there? 

The saddest part is that FH’s father committed suicide when he was 12… he’s always wished to have a fatherly relationship with his FIL… so sad my family couldn’t give that to him. 🙁 I think that’s the saddest part. 

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