- 7 years ago
Hey I know EXACTLTY what you mean!!! Everytime I have a bad waiting period and take it out on my guy he says “I promised already why don’t you believe me.” and yeah he always have followed through. Still I have worries that “men” can screw us girls over.
My FI had given me a timeline and I was still upset about it. Personally for me, I was just upset that he even had to give me a timeline. I was ready about the 4 year mark, he wanted to wait another year. It was just frustrating to be ready before him even though I knew the proposal was coming. Oh and btw, it took him a year and 4 months til he actually proposed, what a procrastinator!! 😛
@Tunacupcakes: i think it’s probably our pasts. life deals all of us so many disappointments, in love and lots of other areas. i have learned not to get my hopes up over any thing until it actually happens. to avoid dissapointment. i can’t get my hopes up about engagement until it actually happens.
For me it wasn’t that I distrusted him…every step of the way I believed/trusted that he would stick to what he said, and he did all along. I just found it hard to wait so long for it to happen! Once I knew we were on the same page, I was so ready to call ourselves engaged and move forward with wedding planning instead of having to wait to graduate first, wait for him to get his raise first, wait to go ring shopping…I’m a “multiple things at once” person when he is very much not, so I felt that since we were on the same page about getting engaged why not go out and buy a ring the next day? It made it hard knowing that we were both fully emotionally ready to do this but couldn’t move forward until X arbitrary thing happened on Y date in the future.
I have recieved so many false promises from my father as a child that I very rarely release control of any portion of my life to anyone. I have a really hard time believing that my SO will accomplish what he says he is planning because of this.
Wow… I never really thought about that.
I think some people deal with so much disappointment early in life that it’s impossible for them to fully trust ANYONE.
I also think that sometimes, by the time a timeline is given, the waiting party is already at the end of his/her rope. I think at some point, we just become so fed up that nothing other than an actual proposal will be enough.
I think it boils down to a combination of lots of different things. For some, it’s having been disappointed/let down/strung along in past relationships, whether by an SO or a relative. For others, it’s a simple control issue, where relinquishing something so important brings about the “if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself” mentality. Kind of like a boss that’s a micro manager. (Ewww, that puts us in such a good light, huh ladies?) Sometimes, it’s even the specific SO themselves that leave us gals with a taste of distrust in our mouths, because time and time again, they’ve given a timeline, and then for whatever reason, failed to come through on it. And still other times, (and I think this is probably the most likely scenario for the majority of us) it’s the fact that they say they have a plan and a timeline, yet there’s no evidence of it, AT ALL. (Even though it’s supposed to be a surprise most of the time, usually our intuition tells us something’s in the works)
(*pant, pant, breeeeeathe*)
Buuuut, I think, in the back of our minds, we all have that tiny voice of self preservation that helps us prepare for the worst: “What if he turns out to be ‘one of those guys‘? What if he really doesn’t want to get married, but he’s just too scared to tell me?” You hear about it happening from time to time, the guy just freaks out and isn’t really ready for the commitment after all, and backs out at the last possible minute, no matter how long they’ve been in the relationship.
Most likely, it’s a combination of all of the above for alot of us.
Hmmm, it’s an interesting mix it seems. I was curious because, I was considering the possibility that my boyfriend had never done broken promises to me and my lack of trust in him was unfounded. Whether it came from him or past experiences. If it came from other people, then I think it would be unfair to hold that over him. For me personally, I will believe it will happen when the ring is on my finger.
@gramgeek: My guy has said the exact same thing. It’s what got me thinking “Wait…why don’t I believe him? Do I have a legitimate reason?”
@April_Mae: I think you’re right about often times already being at the end of your patience capacity when a timeline is finally given.
@MsBrooklynA: I agree with that. Never had a father, but have been let down in some major way by every single person in my life before. It’s pretty easy to unconsciously think “Why would this time be any different?”
@Tunacupcakes: It is so scary for me to really realize that I am actually pushing those issues on him. Especially after we’ve been together for a significant amount of time and I really really trust him to not do things like that to me. He’s seriously getting the short end of the stick.
I told him I realized why I’m so pushy about this and he goes “I’m sorry to say it, but wow your parents fucked you up as a kid.” Now this comes from years of discussion on how my parents divorce adversely affected me and how it still to this day does. It was so funny because it’s so true!
Ditto the “end of the rope” thing, too. And it is very easy to think, ‘welp, i’ve been royally screwed before, as have countless other women, so until I see proof otherwise that you’re not gonna screw me over’………
Yeah, it sucks, and it’s hard to let go of what has caused us pain before, even if we logically know better. It’s our emotional cell memory, as I like to call it. Hmmm, I see this red flag and this red flag, and when I ignored those before, I ended up getting hurt. So, now I’m on the lookout, and I see red flags again, but I’m not ignoring them this time. And, lots of times, the only thing that can smooth over the ‘seeing of the red flags’ is a proposal. It’s the ‘proof’ we need to say, “oh, see, there was nothing to worry about.” As sad and pathetic as that may seem to some people, it’s the reality for a lot of us wating gals.
Fun stuff tonight, huh, girls? Gettin’ all deep and philosophical and *ish up in the
I *wish* I got a timeline. I trust my guy (if he had given me one) and if he would have told me in a year, I would have dropped it all together and gave him the year. To me, being kept in the dark is worse than being given a timeline. A timeline would have kept me a bit more sane instead of wondering what the hold up was.
@MsBrooklynA: Ha, our parents fucked a lot of us up, apparently! My mother’s on her fourth husband. (‘nother post for another day) And what makes it more fun for me? SO’s mother died when he was young, and he’s had two, count ’em, two stepmothers that were both less than lovely. So, yeeeeeaaaah, that’s fun for our outlook on marriage.
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