Post # 1
This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while. My FI owns his own home, even though I’ve been living with him for the past year I’ve also kept my own place so we each paid our own mortgage/rent, I do however pay for 95% of groceries plus our internet and most of our entertaintment. I am also paying for the wedding which will be around $3500-4000.
As of June my sister is taking over my lease and I won’t have to pay rent anymore which leaves me with about $700 extra money every month. Since I won’t be paying rent at my own place I am wondering how we should divide the expenses. My FI owns his own home which will become the matrimonial home, but he bought the home so he could leave his daughter with something. Which means I would have no interst in the house (even though legally I would) in case of death or divorce I would not be taking any interest in the house. I do have my own savings and retirement savings so I am protecting my future in that way.
Having said that ladies that moved into your DH/FI or So home, how did u share expenses? did u pay for the rent or mortgage? or split the other expenses?
My FI doesnt really like discussing finances and he hasn’t asked me for anything. He also has alot of debt and keeps on borrowing. (I am the total opposite) the only debt I have is student loans which should be paid off in 2 years. I have no credit card or other type of debt. My thought is to share our common expenses and put money in a joint savings account for emergencies and vacations.
Just curious how everyone else has dealt with this issues.
Thanks in advance!!
Post # 2
I think the tricky part here is that you don’t want to end up paying for a house that is not gonna do to you should something ever happen to your FI. ALso, depending on where you live, legally you may be entittled to something especially if it’s a marital home and there is no way to relinquish this right. It really depends of the law where you live though so I’d look into that.
I think you should have a serious conversation about finances even if he doesn’t like it. Especially if you’re going to be married. He can’t escape from that conversation forever. Maybe tell him that you understand he doesn’t like to discuss these things but that it’s essencial that you do. Also once you’re married his dept become yours (again depending on the law where you live) so I would be careful of bad spending and borrowing habits. Especially if he doesn’t want to discuss any of it, there may be more than you already know about.
I moved with my SO last year in his home and I pay a small portion of his mortgage. ( maybe 1/4, if even). He makes more money than I do at this time so it seemed fair. We do divide the bills equally monthly. We were just discussing last week that we should get a joint account for common expenses like groceries, going out and trips. We haven’t sorted it out yet but I think it’s a good idea to have a joint account for common expenses.
Post # 3
FI lives in my house. He gives me $80-$125/week and I physically pay all the bills. That doesn’t cover half the bills. He pays for most of the groceries and for dates.
Since you don’t heave an interest in the house, I think it would be fair you pay utilities, cable, groceries, etc. He needs to get out of debt and stop accumulating more! If you’re going to help out with bills, he needs to take care of his debt.
Post # 4
mexicalijennie: I live in Ontario and I am also a lawyer so I am pretty familiar with the law. When we get married if we live in his home it will become the “matrimonial home” he would not be able to sell it or kick me out without a court order and I would have interest in half of the home. Having said that he has not and would never ask me for a pre-nup and in case of a divorce it would be a no contest divorce so we wouldn’t ask of anything from each other. If god forbid he passed away the house would be sold, his debts paid off and the rest would go to his daughter.
With respect to his debt unless I co sign for his debts I won’t be responsible for them even when we’re married so that’s not my concern necessarily although a related concern is that he has so much debt he wouldnt be able to contribute to a joint savings or a vacation account as he is barely getting by right now.
As of right now I spend around $400 a month in groceries, $87 on internet which is higher than I wanted to pay but it was his request, I am paying of the wedding and most of our date’s outings etc… which hasn’t been as much recently because I am saving for the wedding.
I just want to make sure things are fair and I am not freeloading, but don’t want to pay for an asset that will never be mine either.
Post # 5
JazzyGirl85: He lives in a condo so there are no utilities except internet which I pay for and we’re buying a tv soon so I’ll be paying for cable. I also pay for 95% of groceries and our outings which hasn’t been as much since im saving for the wedding.
Post # 6
You both may want to do some careful research into the laws in your state. The house is not likely to be considered marital property in most places (even community property states) since it was acquired before the marriage. But you may be liable for any debt that he continues to run up during your marriage, even if your name is not on the card. Put a different way, your FI will have to have some discussions about finances whether he wants to or not.
AFM, I moved into my DH’s house (FI at the time). We’ve always shared living expenses, but still maintained our own leftover money separately.
EDIT: just saw your update, so disregard my first point 🙂 I was never on DH’s house either, so the profits from the sale were never mine in any strict sense — but, when we go to buy a house together again, partially with those profits, we will both be on the property. So it’s a little different in my case. My bottom line was that I did not want to live there “rent-free,” just based on my own sense of pride, so I was fine paying into a mortgage that was not in my name.
Post # 7
What does his ‘lot of debt’ consist of and do you know how much it is exactly? Because I would argue that he isn’t even ‘barely getting by’ if he is continuing to borrow. Is he getting deeper in debt paying for absolute necessities or does he spend frivolously on unecessaries?
Also, you said ‘my thought is to share our common expenses and put money in a joint savings account for emergencies and vacations’ but in your next post you said ‘a related concern is that he has so much debt he wouldnt be able to contribute to a joint savings or a vacation account as he is barely getting by right now’. Does he have a debt repayment plan and is he putting it into action? I assume not if he is still borrowing?
You assume the sale of the house will pay off his debts. What about if it goes into foreclosure? Is that a possibility? Whether it makes him uncomfortable or not, you need to have this conversation and discuss these things. This isn’t abstract stuff that is going to happen in the future when he passes on. This is your day-to-day life. As you are already discovering by not being able to do some things as often right now because your funds are being diverted elsewhere. I assume that will be the case in any sort of costly circumstance or emergency, that you will provide the funding for that as well, which means diverting funds from other things you wanted to do.
It’s absolutely fine if you are going to be the primary breadwinner for all-time. Whatever works. Is that the agreement you’ve come to though? Have you two actually sat down and made a long-term financial plan for your shared life?
Post # 9
I moved into my SOs house. We live in a cheap area…my apartment rent was only $475 for a nice 2 br. When I moved in, I asked him what he wanted to do, he said to pay $100 towards groceries (he pays $300) and cut him a check for $350 every month to cover bills (honestly I don’t care what he does with it-it makes me feel good to know I am contributing), so that is what we do. He is pretty different from your SO though- he is a HUGE saver. I know that if he isn’t spending my money on bills it is going immediately into our savings. He also makes twice as much as me, so it makes sense that he would continue to pay more towards our house/bills.
Post # 11
interchangeable: The reason he borrows now is because he has spent years spending friviously which now leaves him to borrow for necessities. Whic is another reason I want to be a “partner” as much as possible without jeopardizing my own financial security.
With respect to the vacation fund and the emergency fund he can’t afford to contribute which is why my thought was to contribute to those two accounts instead of paying rent. That was we can still go on vacations and will have joint money so when there is an emergency we can use the joint money rather than my own personal emergency money.
Unfortunately he doesn’t have a debt repayment plan and doesn’t seem to want to get one either, but again since I am not responsible for it and as long as he is paying his own mortgage and his own bills I am ok with this arrengement. I am still able to save $500 a month, pay down debt $500 a month and have about $500 play money at the same time saving for a joint vacation and joint emergency fund and paying for food/cable etc…
What are your thoughts? I really appreciate your post.
Post # 12
I also haven’t insisted on putting my name on the title because of his financial irresponsibility and the fact that he keeps borrowing on the equity of the house, it would be a total lost cause for me and would cause alot of problems between us if i was paying down the mortgage and he was borrowing from it. The way it is now its his house and I have my own savings/RRSP’s so I am protecting myself in that way and also saving for the future.
What kind of future are you expecting to have with a guy who is spending, spending, spending while you save, save, save? I ask that sincerely. How do you envision your financial future? What sort of goals and dreams do you have for yourself and the two of you as a team and how do you see those plans and goals coming together? What role will you each play in making those happen?
I was dating a guy for a couple of years who blew every paycheque, saved nothing and really just had a good time in the moment and pissed his money away. I was saving up for a little chunk of land in the mountains somewhere. One night, half-corked, he was talking to a friend about ‘our future land and cabin’ and how awesome it was going to be. I actually sat him down the next day to have a full-on financial discussion and he honestly felt that he should spend his money his way, I should spend mine my way and if in the end, he benefitted big time, that was a score for him. Needless to say, I dumped him. why would I spend years making things happen for some guy who did dick all to contribute and spent all his money on himself??
Post # 13
interchangeable: I really appreciate your thoughtfull post. I’ve thought about this alot and given that my FI is 55 and won’t be changing his ways anytime soon I am content with building up my own savings/investments and retirement plan while building a life with him as well. It’s not like he is not contributing in the relationship, we live in his beautiful lake front condo and he is our main driver (As I hate driving and don’t have a car). I do think he pulls his weight but realistically would he be able to contribute to savings/vacation? no, but its a trade off since if I wanted to rented a condo on the lake I would be looking at $1600 a month, my current condo is not like front and its $1400 a month, I don’t mind spending that money to on “US” but I totally appreciate your concern and for forcing me to think about these issues once again carefully.
I still do want to know how others in my situation share their expenses.
Post # 14
HuysuzAyi33: We have a joint account (in addition to our individual accts) solely for household expenses. We both put the same exact amount in on the 1st of each month. All of our bills are auto drafted out of that account each month. Whatever is left over is for “extra” stuff like groceries, vacations, house decor, etc.
We calculated how much to put in by itemizing our bills to see what our monthly expenses totaled, and then added 25% to this (for cushion), and split it down the middle. It’s been awesome! We have done this since the day we moved in together almost 2 years ago, and have had exactly zero arguments when it comes to finances because of this arrangement.
Now that we are married, we will open a second account and do exactly the same thing for both accounts… Except this second account will be a joint savings account. Then, whatever is left in our individual accounts is our own money to do as we please. Lots of accounts, but everything stays very organized and works out great!
Post # 15
I’ll be moving in with FI shortly before the wedding. He owns his own home and I currently live with my mother (she’s 78, I’m an only child, and my dad passed away 20 years ago – so we’re pretty close). The plan is to have a joint account for household expenses (mortgage, electricity bill, etc) and we will maintain our seperate accounts as well for spending money, things like our cars and cell phones (we have different providers and haven’t discussed who we’ll go with). Talking about finances is hard but its something that needs to be done. I was surprised that FI had no savings or RRSP when we talked about it. Now he also has no debt other than his mortgage and car (well the ring is on his credit card and the expensive brake job he had done today). I have savings but I also have a small credit card and credit line debt.
The long term plan though is to sell FI’s house, buy mom’s house and put on an inlaw apartment for her.
Post # 16
HuysuzAyi33: Sounds like you’ve thought it through!
OK so the house has tons borrowed against it. Your FI has no will set up. In your state, is everything left to the spouse upon death unless otherwise noted in writing? Meaning, does he actually need a will and living will written up so that it does not get left to you by default?
I noticed you mentioned how financially irresponsible he has been. Is he still? Is that OK to you? You love him regardless of his flaws? Or you intend to protect yourself financially so that he can never bring you down?
I ask because I had a father that was extremely financially irresponsible.
Post # 17
sienna76: Both my parents were financially irresponsible and they didn’t teach us much about money management unfortunately so that was always a concern for me. But in September of last year i read tons of personal finance books and learned alot. (Gailvazoxlade is my favourite money guru) and so I’ve changed the way I deal with finances completely, I hae a emergency savings account that grows every month and retirement savings. I am also putting a big chunk of my salary towards my student loans so I can get rid of them ASAP. (I have no other debt).
Gail also talks about how to deal with a “money moron” life partner so I’ve taken alot of those steps to make sure I am protected regardless of his bad money management.
Nobody is perfect and I do love him he is a wonderful man, I wouldn’t leave him because of money issues and I want to make sure I contribute fairly after marriage but protect myself at the same time.