Post # 1
Hi Bee’s –
So I’ve been “houding” my FMIL for over a month to get me the actual names and addresses of the guest she’d like to invite to the wedding. She really didn’t understand at first why I needed them so early. I then explained to her the concept of the save the dates….still didn’t get them. THEN I explained to her that I can’t order anything until I know how many of what I need to order…THEN I explained to her that it will still take me 2 – 3 weeks to order everthing and have it ready to mail out…so send the darn list already!
Yesterday, she finally sends me the list! (Yay!) I just opened it to put it in my excel document and I realized…it’s not in the correct format.
For example, instead of Mr. and Mrs. So and So…FMIL sent “The So and So Family”. One, that’s not how to address an evelope (Bee’s correct me if i’m wrong)…and Two, how am I suppose to know how many people are in the “So and So Family”. On top of that, I already told FMIL she only gets to invite 35 people…anything beyond they have to pay for themselves. They agreed. WELL…she sent a “Will Come” and “PROBABLY won’t come”….um HELLO what if they DO RSVP?? I don’t want to send anyone an invitation and KNOW that I cannot afford them if they RSVP.
Now I feel like, I have to be annoying, call her AGAIN, ask her to send the actual names NOT the family name, the number of people in that family, and remind her that we cannot afford all these people even if she doesn’t think they will RSVP…ughh!
I really make an effort NOT to be a bridezilla, but I don’t like surprises, and we can only afford to have 100 people at our wedding (which i’ve told FMIL before).
Bee’s, PLEASE give me your advice on how to handle this!
Post # 3
Deep breath – really.
Unless you’re having a destination wedding, you are sending your save the dates fairly early. I would say about 4-6 months out would be more than enough time to send it.
However, back to your original question. Call her and ask for names. Perhaps you can just stay on the phone with her when you say “The Smith Family” and she says, “Bill, Sally, and their kids Susie and John.”
As for the numbers thing, you can ask her to prioritize who is coming and let her know that you really can only afford to send 35 invitiations for her list. You’re correct in assuming that everyone you invite will come – that’s the appropriate way to plan an event. Definitely don’t send more invitations than you can afford to host (there was a post recently of someone who did this and had to come up with an extra 10k right before her wedding!).
Post # 4
If you weren’t crystal clear on what she needed to provide you (detail-wise), you can’t be too terribly mad at her.
Send her a spreadsheet with the columns you want completed … relationship to her (family, friend, colleague, etc.), first names, last names, children’s names (if invited) and total # per family if all are to be invited, address and phone number (so you have it later to follow up once you send invites out and in the event they do not rsvp on time.
Also, number the far left column to 35 (and include a reminder in your email that she only has 35 invites to extend … not to 35 families … 35 ppl total including children). Ask her to list them in top to bottom order of her priority on those ppl receiving invitations in the event cuts are necessary.
Post # 5
@Meant2Bee: I think you need to sit down with her and go over the list. It seems she is not savvy with this kind of stuff and if you can and don’t live too far away maybe just go over there and ask her all your questions at once so she has to answer them And doesnt have to figure out now to type it up again to email. And just be super honest about the number of people you can have and let her know that the “probably won’t come” guests are not making the list. Just say it all nicely 🙂
Post # 6
@abbie017: I just took a deep breath, LOL, thanks! I’m not having a DW however, we are getting married on memorial day weekend, so that’s why i’m sending STD out so early. I’m hoping to have everything ordered and at my house by mid August, and in everyone’s mailbox by September. I know that a lot of people take vacations that weekend.
@JoCoJenn: I felt like I was SUPER clear with her, she asked several times…35 people or households? 35 PEOPLE!! Perhaps, I can take responsibilty for not being clear that I needed everyone’s first and last name, not the family name….I need her to understand that by saying “Family” people will assume they can bring whoever they want…cousin, aunt, what have you.
@SeaTurtle88: We live two hours apart, so not bad at all. However, they just left for a trip and won’t be back for a week. We don’t plan on seeing each other until mid-august which is when I wanted to have everything arriving at my house. I feel like i’ve already be patient and waited a month….I thought it was taking her so long because she was getting the actual names! ughh
Post # 7
@Meant2Bee: Fair enough! I didn’t realize Memorial Day is early next year! Then I take back that comment – it’s smart to send them early since people do travel a lot that time of year! 🙂 Anyway, try to keep taking deep breaths and talking to your FMIL about it all. Maybe she just wasn’t aware how you wanted the addresses!
Post # 8
call again and ask her or have FI talk to her.
my FI’s uncle did not get an STD and almost didn’t get an invitation.
my friend was printing addresses for my envelopes. i have 3 that weren’t done in the original batch. i told FI he had 5 days to get me his uncles address or he wouldn’t get an invitations. he already had 5 months to get it from him when i asked about addresses for STD, he got it to me within 24 hours.
BTW, invitations can be addressed Smith Family but you still need to know the head count for what the Smith Family encompasses.
Post # 9
@abbie017: Continuing to take deep breaths. Just got through the list 65 people!! ***WoOOooSah*
@ajillity81: Thank you for the clarification. Perhaps, if I just say give me a headcount of the “so and so” family, she’ll take it easier.
Post # 10
@Meant2Bee: Ugh…I’m so with you on not inviting the “probably won’t come” group! FI and I were going over our potential guest list with FILs on Sunday (trying to get a ballpark to determine venue size and budget), and unlike my mom who nicely went over about 20 people I could cut (THANK YOU!!), his parents added people. “Well, there’s like a 1% change they’ll come.” His teenage brother goes “well, it’s better to invite people than not.” FI and I were both like NO! FALSE!
So we nicely took the longer list, but when it comes down to sending actual invites, we will be cutting people. I am NOT sending courtesy invites. Because what if they DO come? If his parents make a stink about it, we will tell them that if these people do RVSP yes, it will be their responsibility to pay. Otherwise, no invite. And I don’t want to send more invites just because people RSVP no. We already have over 200 on our list (the curse of big families). I would rather save the money.
Post # 11
@pineapplez17: exactly I just did the math, for FI to explain to FMIL that the extra 30 people they are inviting would equal almost $4000 to the bill…we don’t have it! I told FI either they have to pay for any of those people who RSVP or they aren’t getting invited.