Post # 1
I’m sure I’m probably just pmsy and depressed, but I feel like it’s coming to the end of my relationship with my SO
We’ve been together so long, and we’re stuck in this stagnant place where we want to move on and cant – this wouldn’t be an issue if I could just talk to him about it all. I can’t thou, I’ve done it a couple of times and he just reacts in such a snappy way that I just don’t want to talk about certain subjects with him. It’s been ultra difficult lately as his best friend’s wife is pregnant and I’m finding it VERY difficult to deal with that. I am 28 and have been struggling with my biological desire to have a child – a struggle that’s harder each time he brings up the subject. I used to be able to be happy for women whom are expecting, but I just can’t do it any more …
I don’t think it’s something he understands, I didn’t want to talk to him about it today as I knew what his reaction would be … at first he was nice and reassured me that he wanted to have a family and get married ect. Later on however he was snappy as I was crying and pushed to talk about that I was bothered by the whole thing due to hormones and all I got was a snappish comment in return – we didn’t talk for the rest of the day.
I just don’t feel like I can talk with him about anything any more, if I can’t do that then how can I have a relationship with that kind of trust gone? Do I talk with him about it …and if I do how can I when I have this constant fear that he’ll snap and leave me feeling like I should have never talked about it in the first place.
Post # 3
My friend really wanted to have kids. She settled for a guy who wasn’t willing and about 2 years into their relationship she finally had enough because he just shut her out and wouldn’t even discuss it. If you feel so strongly to have kids then you need to find someone who wants to have them. Otherwise you need to accept that he doesn’t and if you are truly ok with that then stay, but it sounds like you aren’t.
Post # 4
Some men have a hard time dealing with womens emotional states… because they just can’t understand it. I cannot have a GOOD conversation with my FI when i’m upset. It just doesn’t work. If I went up to him and told him I wanna get married and have kids and i’m jealous of X because she’s pregnant and i’m not – his response would be to shut down – i’m acting crazy – i’m an emotional wreck, etc. HOWEVER – IF after I calmed down I simply asked him IF he wants kids SOMEDAY, where he sees our future, etc. – that would be an ENTIRELY different story. The conversation could then progress into the “when” or if he says no you can calmly say that you really want to and its not something your willing to give up. My advice is calm down first – then talk to him withought it coming off like your just jumping on his back.
Post # 5
@Kate0558: My FI does the same exact thing. It came to a point where we decided that we WILL NOT talk about things while we are really upset. That goes down a very unhappy road full of hurt feelings and miscommunication.
I suggest what Kate said. Try to ask these types of questions when you are both calm. Men really don’t handle the emotional stuff well (at least my FI doesn’t – he just doesn’t’ know what to do).
As well as being calm, trying asking it in a way that doesn’t come off as accusatory. For instance, instead of saying, “Why don’t you want children with me?” try, “Do you see yourself wanting children in the future?” or “What needs to happen to make you feel more comfortable with having kids?” Sometimes they have a very logical reason for not being ready. FI’s sister was very upset with her DH because she wanted to TTC and he didn’t want to. They talked about it a few days later and he told her it was because of her student loans and he was trying to get a raise at work to make up for the huge drop in disposable income.
I guess my point is, he might have a very real reason (but one that can be overcome) to want to wait and you might not find that out until you feel more calm.
Hope it all works out!
Post # 6
He wants children, he thinks they are delightful. I would have been long gone if I thought that he didn’t want kids.
I’ve tried talking to him when we are both calm about other concerns regarding the direction of our relationship, and got the same reaction. I understand he has things going on that are putting things off, but I don’t appreciate his reactions at all. The whole reason why I didn’t want to talk to him on my feelings about his friend’s pregnancy was because I was upset, but he pushed for it anyway despite me saying that it was not the time to talk about it.
I know the reasons why things are the way they are, it still doesn’t make it easier to deal with the hormones. I don’t know if / when he’ll be calm enough to talk about it, and I am in a state of mind where I don’t want to talk about it again due to his past reactions to certain subjects. Right now I feel like I have no one to turn to, feel horribly alone, and not sure what is going to happen.
Post # 7
@Rananteriel: I think you should talk to him about it but maybe through a letter? This way both of you have time to process what is being discussed without too many emotions involved.
Have you thought about how much longer you would wait for your SO to come around to the idea of having children?
Post # 8
I ended up calling him a little bit ago, he said it’s something to work through – and that he’s bothered that I keep wanting what other people have. I told him about my biological urges being difficult to deal with at times, and he was not snappy so it was nice that we where both calm.
And he does want kids, he wants a family so he doesn’t need to come around to the thought of having kids. It’s just something that will be some years in the future, and I’m going through a tough time dealing with that internal ‘clock’ that is telling me that I’m ready now.
Post # 9
@Rananteriel: I hope you guys come to some solution that you both want. My bff was in a similar situation as you are and it took some time for her husband to be on the same page. They’re happily expecting their first child this summer. Good luck!