Being a bridesmaid, but getting married before the bride (Vent, Long)

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@javababy87:  I totally see where your coming from. However, my only advice really is not too get too stressed about it … I know – easier said than done! 

It seems the worst thing that could happen is that the two of you end up with sth similar or let’s say the same caterer or such. Which would suck admittedly, but mostly for her as your wedding was first and people would just think she copied from you. If they even were to notice anything which I doubt people do when they’re not on planet wedding 😉 

If she says sth about how she got engaged first, just reply that your wedding is taking place sooner though and thus you also need to be planning things. 

I’d actually really tell her, when the opportunity arises: this is not a competition. Tell her from time to time that you’re really glad you get to share this exciting time together. 

I might be completely off, but do you think she acts a bit strange as she’s a bit put off about not being your bridesmaid when your hers?

Post # 4
Member
6964 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@javababy87:  I would just keep putting the focus back on her wedding. Really that’s what she wants anyway. 

Post # 5
Member
6273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

She is probably a little hurt she isn’t one of your bridesmaids.It sounds like she kind of feels the need to show you up to get back at you, whether or not she consciously realizes it. If she is really a close enough friend that you used to tell her all of the wedding details, why don’t you just let her stand up for you?

 

Post # 6
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

It sounds to me like she is hurt because you haven’t included her in your wedding.

Post # 7
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Ugh! Sorry she’s being so difficult!

I agree with PPs–I’d just keep redirecting it back to HER wedding and what is SHE doing and “Wow, (her name)! I LOVE that idea! Your wedding is going to be SO beautiful!”

Also, if you’re only having family as BMs (I don’t know if you are, but if you are), I’d let her know that’s why you’re not having her as a BM!

Post # 9
Member
1687 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@javababy87:  This was me and one of my BM before my wedding. She got engaged summer 2012, and I late in the summer, about a month and a half later. My husband and I decided to book our wedding for fall of 2013 because it fit into our lives and she had always wanted fall, but was thinking 2014. Well once I booked my venue, instant competition. She even pushed her wedding up to June 2013! It really made me mad, and every time we talked it was like a competition. I finally broke it to her that I hated how we were speaking to each other, and it was fine afterward. Honestly her getting married helped the cause too.

 

Hope it gets better!

Post # 10
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@javababy87:  I agree with PP that she is probably upset she isn’t a BM.

That being said, keep responses brief. If she sends you a pic of a dress she liked, just say, “It’s gorgeous. I have tried it on myself.” Don’t tell her its heavy. If she is getting stuff booked, just tell her, “That is great!” rather than say, “That’s great, but really there is no rush.” You are kind of throwing unnecessary comments in there that I think are offending her, and while you can’t be responsible for other’s feelings or how they interrpret the info, you can at least just keep your responses to a minimal “that’s great” or “that’s nice.”

Just put the focus back on her wedding and grin and bear it. Hopefully she calms down a bit. Competitive friends suck sometimes, especially since I don’t think they realize they are being that way.

Post # 11
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@javababy87:  i think you should stop being annoyed that she’s doing things earlier than you think she should and implying as much to her. It’s up to her when to do things and doing them early hurts nothing, you know?

If she actually said that she should get to do things first because she was engaged first, well, that’s just silly and would say as much in a kind way if she says it again.

Other than her feeling like she should get to be first…how is she competitive? 

Post # 12
Member
8016 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

@megz06:  I totally agree.

 

@javababy87:  

Perhaps subconciously, you are adding to the competitve vibe with those comments. If she wants to tell you about it, dont be dismissive. She is rushing, you are not and thats fine. But let her do things her way even if it seems silly to you. 

Honestly you sound resentful that she “told” you you were a bridesmaid to begin with. Do you not want to be? Because part of the deal is being supportive to the bride- even if she should have asked. 

 

Regarding her not being a BM  I would talk to her about it (NOT via text- in person)

“hey ____  Ive been a little worried, I really dont want your feelings hurt that you are not a bridesmaid at my wedding. I really value your friendship a lot but FI and I  just want to keep the wedding party very small because our guest list is too. I really hope all is well and I just wanted to clear the air”

 

 

Post # 13
Member
4163 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

OP, I’m reading that she’s just looking for someone to share the process with. I realize that her wedding’s a lot farther off, but she’s still excited. I guess I’m not seeing the competition in this. You share dress photos- she compliments yours, you critique hers…I can see that making someone defensive.

Did she say something like this- “…she got engaged before me, and therefore should be the first to do the wedding things ,” or is that just the vibe you’re getting from her? Since your wedding is a year before, you *need* to do this stuff first.

What I DO see as a problem are daily texts/emails- who has time for this? Enough already. Maybe you can do a weekly recap with her instead, and give her suggestions. “Hey, I saw XYZ on pinterest, thought that could be really pretty for your wedding.” You can always tell her that your Mom or FMIL is sending you so many emails about the wedding, you want to consolidate wedding planning to a day a two a week. Planning breaks are also really helpful- “I’ve got a really crazy work week, let’s “talk weddings” on Saturday.”

Post # 14
Member
6273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

when she asks about your wedding, don’t tell her.

only my mom, DH, and bridesmaids knew any details.

everyone else who asked questions were told they needed to wait until the day to see everything.

yes, they knew the location, and after invitations went out, i told my colors.

Post # 15
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@javababy87:  I am in your shoes as far as the “let’s order BM dresses a year out and get your jewelry a year out and its only 10 months to the wedding and you don’t have your shoes yet? OMG!!!!!!”

If you can make it, go. You will have to do it at some point anyways, so why not now? If (when) she pressures you to do things for her wedding way in advance (my bride wanted us to plan her bachelorette 10 months early!) then call her out. What I said:

“Hey BFF, just wanted to let you know that MOH and I have this covered. We are waiting until March to book the cabin. Send me a list of attendees when you get a chance so we know how many people we will have at the cabin.”

In response, she said “Thanks, you know my MOH isn’t the planning type and I was stressing about it. Here is the list: Suzy, Sally, Becky, Molly”

About once a week I get another message from her about “should we add so-and-so?” and I usually tell her “we have plenty of time to decide. I will put her on the ‘Maybe’ list so we don’t forget.”

 

As for the competition, I don’t know what advice I can give you. Some people are just competative, but it sounds like you are handling it well. Vent on the Bee if you need to.

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