- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
Is anyone else out there suddenly realizing you had an image of what a wife is "supposed" to be ? And that you are not even coming close to it?
I've been married for four months and I do love being married, don't get me wrong. It's just that playing the role of "wife", or rather, playing the role that's been projected on me my whole life...is just not coming to me that easily.
Do I really have to have dinner on the table every night? Am I expected to be happy and smiling and doting on my husband 24/7? Where in the world did all these traditional ideas come from?!
Is it even realistic to think that the fantasy can be a reality? That that woman really does exist? How does she do it? And I don't even have kids!
I feel like I can't be the only one feeling this way. Right?
If my wife doesn't have dinner on the table every night... just kidding, we don't even eat dinner together.
While I understand what a traditional 1950's housewife stereotype is.. I'm not in that situation. I have a job, not only that, until next week, I have a job I hate. So, considering I'm profoundly unhappy 45-55 hours a week... it's pretty hard to be magically smiley.
I usually cook dinner, he usually does the dishes. I clean the bathroom, dust, and clean the kitchen - but he does vacuums, does most of the grocery shopping and does all the laundry. He wasn't wild about the laundry deal, until I showed him how busy the washer/dryers are in the building when I'm home. He works from home so he can do them during the day when the majority of people are at work.
To me, marriage is a partnership with the partners equally doting on one another.
I know what you're talking about. When we first got married I felt like a failure because the house was a mess (too busy with work and wedding, then he moved in), can't cook much, etc. I talked to FH about how I felt like a failure and all the things my mom did that I can't seem too. He pointed out that she didn't work outside the home, and that if what he wanted was Martha Stewart, he wouldn't have married someone who was awesome at her career. It took a while to get through my head, but it really helped.
@doublepuglove: Life is not a fairytale. I am nice to my SO but I don't take care of him like his mom. I do have food for him to eat but it's not from scratch or home cooked every night. My SO prefers sex any day over food. He can cook his own meals but he can't give himself a BJ and we have a maid to keep the house clean.
My husband and I had many conversations before we got married about expectations in marriage (i.e. gender roles). When we initially approached a minister to marry us, he told us his views on marriage, and they did NOT match ours. We view marriage as a partnership, with each party bringing strengths (and weaknesses) to the relationship. In our marriage, we are equals. My husband is not the "head of the household who makes all the decisions."
In our situation, I'm finishing up my doctorate degree and my starting salary will be about 3x's what he makes. I'm planning on working full time. We discussed his views on his wife making more money, how that affects decision making etc. before we got married. Years ago I dated someone with very traditional views on marriage, and there was no way it would ever work - I wanted a partnership, he would have wanted a doting wife.
I'm all about female empowerment and partnership in a marriage...it's bizarre that these were such unconscious thoughts until now. And believe me, he's not expecting this traditional wife. We had a long talk about it last night and he was wonderful and so supportive while assuring me I'm being ridiculous. I'm just surprised at myself is all.
We have been living together for a long time so we know what to expect. FI cooks, I do most of the cleaning (only because his idea of clean and mine are vastly different). That woman propbably does exist outside of the movies but it is totally okay if that woman isn't you. I am sure your husband married you because he loves you and everything you are good and not so good at, You don't have to be perfect at all things!
ive been married for a while now and it depends on what you want/are prepared to do and what is expected. for us, i do have dinner on the table every single night by 6.30, i tell hubby when its is served and ready to be eaten and he doesnt clean up, cook or help. same with laundry and cleaning the house but thats us, this doesnt work for a lot of other couples
i think whats important is that you dont feel its an obligation or that you start to resent it - and same goes for him
I think a wife should be someone who loves and supports her husband, just as he should be someone who loves and supports her. Other than that, you "should" be whatever works for you!
To me marriage is not that much different from how our life together was when we were dating and engaged, its just that the commitment is set in stone. We have lived together for over 3.5 years so we have come to realize how to live together but are still working on things every day. There is no way I would be able to have dinner on the table every night! First of all, I hardly cook. DH cooks most of our meals and I do the dishes/clean the kitchen. DH also does most of the laundry, but I will fold it and put it away and he takes out the trash/recylcing, usually cleans the cat litter and cleans his TV room. There is no perfect picture of a wife. You just need to figure out the dynamic between you and your husband.
I am also in agreement that marriage is an equal partnership in which responsibilities are shared and expectations are clearly communicated!
I feel like a "good wife" every time I actually make dinner! It's become more frequent, but rarely more than once a week. We operate very equally, we trade off dinner based on who is busier, but we often only eat 2 dinners together during the week because of our schedules. DH doesn't even like for me to do his laundry! He's totally self-sufficient and I try my best to contribute when I can (I get off work much earlier so I feel that I should make dinner if I don't have anything else to do).
Everything's gonna change when kids are involved!!
I never thought I would be domestic AT ALL. But DH works really hard right now (full time and in school full time for graphic design), so I enjoy having dinner- get this- actually hot and on the table at the same time. That is big for me since I never cooked a single thing until recently. If I had to do it all the time, I think it would be depressing because you can work REALLY hard around your home and you don't actually get paid for it. I think that is one of the many reasons those 1950s housewives were known for popping valium, drinking, and smoking. We share our responsibilities, me and DH.
I remember struggling with that a lot when we first got married, especially because we were involved in a church at the time that had pretty traditional expectations of women (thankfully we left there :-P), but also just because I had these expectations of myself. Now, over a year later, I'm not so stuck on making sure everything is clean and always having dinner done at a certain time. I do like things organized, so I tend to do most of the cleaning and such, but my husband cooks quite a bit these days.
I'm not married yet, but my FI works really long and crazy hours (especially lately since he bought the bar) and I work part time, so because of that I do the majority of housework...
Growing up I always saw my mom who was a SAHM for most of my childhood then went back to work part time in elementary school and then full time for middle and high school... She always kept the house clean and always cooked dinner and I LOVED it, I have always wanted to be that wife/mom who "had it together", BUT I am probably the messiest 25 year old who LOATHES cleaning and couldn't make anything besides pasta.
My FI grew up in a similar household with a SAHM who cooked, cleaned the whole nine yards...
Needless to say we have the same expectations for marrital roles, so I'm learning to be that way now, and honestly I LOVE it. Take small steps, start with one thing and master it, then add the next step.
When my FI and I started dating we had a lady come clean once a week... But then I decided to take over and get the house the way I wanted it. Now I've started cooking meals... It made the transition slowly and I really love it. If it's what you want, then Good luck!
Sometimes I feel like a "bad wife" too. I've even told DH sorry that I'm not a "good wife" but he really doesn't even care and thinks I am a good wife. I don't keep the place spotless, and sometimes it's not even simply just "picked up" when I get really busy with work and school. I do make dinner, but it's not always from scratch and it's usually fairly late in the evening when we eat. I feel like I should be doing all the cooking and cleaning and stuff, and I would even be happy to do it, but I'm just too busy for it so I try not to beat myself up about it. Luckily I'm usually too tired to dwell on it :p DH doesn't want that traditional wife anyway, and he does help with stuff.
I am not a married lady yet, but since we have lived together for over a year now, I thought I'd share. I would say I am very much a traditionalist. I would never expect SO to do any of the housework. I do all the cooking and cleaning, mostly because I like things a certain way. SO helps me by following the organization I have set up by putting his misc stuff (keys, pens, change) in his "man basket" lol and he is pretty good about making sure his clothes make it to the hamper since he appreciates that I do his laundry. I actually get a lot of enjoyment out of having it this way, and I still manage to go to school full-time and work 40 hours a week. SO jokes that I would wear pearls and pumps in the kitchen if he let me.
We try to be partners, but I still feel like I do more of keeping the home running. I especially hate trying to figure out what to have for dinner and fix it. he cleans up after dinner. Thank heavens for our cleaning lady.
Been married for a little over three weeks and like the OP, I have felt that I am being a bad wife. I moved to Germany right after the wedding since my husband is stationed here. The house isn't unpacked yet, needs a through cleaning and I am looking for a job meaning I'm unemployed at the moment. Sooo, yeah I had a breakdown the other night because I felt like I was failing at everything. My husband told me I am too hard on myself and things will come together and more motivation on the house will come when all my household goods arrive next week and I can really unpack everything and make the house the way I want it to look.
Hang in there, the insecurities and doubts are natural but you can't let them get the best of you. Every couple is unique and how one couple does things does not make you a bad person for doing things differently. Find out what is reasonable for you and your hubby.
The important thing is that you love each other are a spending a lifetime together. Why waste it thinking you won't be as good as Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart or Julia Childs? Your husband loved you enough to marry you and knew you enough to decide the rest of his life should be spent with you. You are perfect for him, don't be anyone other than that.
This is a really interesting thread. I've never considered if I was a good or bad wife. To us, marriage is a partnership. We both work long hours and divide up house hold stuff as evenly as possible. I don't feel like its my job to magically have dinner on the table every night and be smily all the time. I do like to cook, so I do cook dinner when I can, but sometimes I don't get home until 8pm or I just don't feel like cooking.
I consider myself to be a pretty independent woman, but to my surprise, I found myself having "bad live-in girlfriend" thoughts! We are getting married in April, but have been living together for over a year. Luckily for me, he lived by himself for 6 years, and learned to take care of himself. He's better at doing the laundry, cleaning the kitchen, and even makes his own tortillas. From scratch. Umm....I can make spaghetti? It used to not really bother me (helloo he offers to clean? I'll take it!) but lately I've been thinking I should do more around the house. On the days that I get home at lunch time, I make an effort to clean up the kitchen, sweep, vaccuum, and take a couple swipes at the bathroom. I know he appreciates it, but on days where I work until 5, I just don't feel like coming home and doing anything! I suppose I'll get a routine at some point, and I don't mind doing it, because right now, he's the primary breadwinner. When I get my master's and start making more money, maybe I'll feel less guilty about him cleaning everything :p
I honestly never considered this. I do the best I can do for him and US and whether than includes cooking, cleaning, taking care of bills, etc. that depends on the day. But I consider my work and my school as a contribution to our relationship is well.
If I go to school on a night, but don't clean a dish or a pan, I do not feel like a bad wife. There's more to it than being cookie-cuttered into a stereotypical housewife.
This is an interesting post. I felt overwhelmed right after the wedding, because we didn't live together prior. Suddenly I wanted to be "the perfect wife" and it had never even crossed my mind much before. I had no idea how to get food on the table, etc... but little by little I have learned. My husband loves that I cook--he's always been the one to make meals in past relationships, and he doesn't mind doing it, but I love to make healthy, tasty, food. It takes a good hour out of my day though. I cook probably 3 times a week. He'll cook the other days, we eat leftovers or we'll pick something up. Because I make our menu, I grocery shop. I like to do it. I do the laundry because it makes me feel productive :-) My husband doesn't like to do laundry. I also do the cat litter and take care of the dogs meals.
My husband does a lot--he make breakfast and coffee for us and he'll go through the mail, pay bills and pick up the house while I'm cooking. He does the dishes and he cleans a lot more. He also takes care of the car maintenance. I feel guilty for not keeping my space as clean, but he's ok with it because I do a lot of other things.
I think we have a pretty even balance, but yes, I struggle with wanting to "do it all" as a wife while still exercising, spending time with friends and getting my own things done. I seriously don't know how working mothers do it. That'll be coming up soon, so... that's a whole nother topic! My biggest goal right now is to be supportive of my husband like he is to me. Don't be too hard on yourself. If you and your husband are happy with how things are... there's no need to fit the "ideal."
That woman doesn't exist!!! That image was created in the 50's when woman didn't work and the only thing they had to do was take care of the house. It should be a partnership unless you are able to stay at home.
I feel kind of maternal to my DH so I'm more inclined to be the one to cook for us and make sure he's bundled up in the cold weather, etc. But don't get me wrong, DH shares at least 1/2 of all the household work - he just does more 'manly' things like carry home the liquids, take out the trash, mop the floors, etc. I never have to ask him twice to do something, if I even have to ask at all.
I really enjoy A Practical Wedding's series called Redefining Wife. It's really interesting look at the common conceptions and misconceptions about being a wife.
Right now, FI and I live together so I can't imagine much will change when we're married. I make dinner and he cleans up. He does the laundry and cleans the bathroom, and I clean the rest of the apartment. He builds stuff, and I decorate. That's about it, really. Sometimes it flips but this is how it typically is. Even though I work at home, I still consider myself employed and not a SAHW, so I dunno. I don't think the '50s stereotype really fits most people.
My definition of a good wife is one that is supportive, a shoulder to lean on, their husband's biggest support system, loving, kind, etc....but that's also my definition of a good husband. If you are there for eachother, you love and care for one another, and you support eachother in goals/aspirations, you're doing a good job. Right now, my DH is unemployed, so he stays at home and does the dishes, laundry, makes the bed, cleans, etc. THe only reason he doesn't cook is because we both prefer my cooking :) Me on the other hand, I go off to work each morning and put in a long day to bring home the dough...If you are going by the typical sterotypical roles that husband/wives are labled with...then I'm the good husband and my husband is the good wife. LOL So, you can see why you can't judge being a "good wife" by sterotypical gender roles.
Oh lord - I would hurl myself out of a window if I turned into that stereotype of a wife as it is just not me. And my guy would probably push me out first, since he finds it a turn off to be mothered by the girl he sleeps with, lol. We are two people in love that are better together than not. So we split the 'chores' of life by who is good at each thing. We don't check our pants and match up chores based on what genatalia each other has, you know. I can't imagine ever saying 'oh, looks like I have a vajayjay so I'll start cooking every day!' and he says 'woah - I seem to have a hooha so I guess I'll go mow the lawn'. :P
If you both have the same ideas of how your relationship should run then just do what feels right, don't try to fit yourself into some other role :)
Oh man...I could never be that 1950's wife. If my FI goes too long without vacuuming he hears about it :)
I do cook the majority of our meals..but that's because I'm very picky about what I eat, and I want FI to eat healthy...so I just prefer to make 99% of everything and do the grocery shopping. Other than that, it's 50/50. We both work full time and have lives outside of the relationship. I don't automatically get second shift evening housework just because I have breasts :)
I would be totally stressed out even trying to be a stepford wife. I love to cook, so that's what I do most of the nights. FH does other things around the house. If you want to come over, we'd appreciate a one week notice because our house is usually in an unpresentable state.
It's a very interesting topic, though! There is something about getting married that makes some of us feel like it is 1950. Along those lines, there is an interesting article in the Boston Globe today about how women put items on their registry that are traditional and expected - even if they have no intention to use them.
http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/weddings/articles/2011/01/27/why_do_so_many_brides_register_for_the_same_wedding_gifts_their_mothers_did/
I think there is a certain expectation when you are getting married. I remember when we registered at BB&B, the girl brought up luggage over and over again, even though we made it clear that we are all set with luggage. Some weeks later we got an email from BB&B: "Don't forget to register for your honeymoon luggage!" I was also told what I am "supposed to have" as far as dinnerware and cookware goes.
we share everything equally, and we do almost all of our cooking together. i feel guilty for not being "wifely" enough sometimes, but i work full time, so it's just not realistic for me to be a 50s housewife. if i stayed at home, i think i would enjoy doing all of the household chores, but i'm the main breadwinner!
I think I went into it thinking like that as well, the dinner everynight, vaccuming the house every other day, having the laundry done all the time - basically being a super woman (without kids!!)... and yeah, it's impossible.
When hubby and I first got married last May I ended up having to work three jobs because he got laid off. So he played the "wife" role for the first six months of our marriage, he made dinner, he did the chores, he went grocery shopping lol, it was so nice for me! We joked that I had a stay-at-home-wife and he had a breadwinner ;)
He finally got a real FT job and the roles have changed as *I* got laid off!!! I feel the pressure even more but it's like I'm in a rut and never want to cook and do chores haha. I do sometimes, but with his new job he works three late nights a week. sooo yeah.
he's really understanding and really didn't come into this marriage with expectations of that kind of wife, even though I did.
In my mind... the only thing that getting married changes is the permanency of our relationship. Just because we get married is not going to make me better at keeping up with laundry or keeping the house clean. I don't feel like I'm stepping into a new role, I just feel like we both are saying that we're okay with exactly who we are now-- forever. So I guess I just don't have any idea of what I think I need to be to be a "good wife."
@panterapeach: but I like poodle skirts and sock hops!! 
I have always loved the idea of being a 50's housewife (with a loving and understanding husband, not the "get back in your kitchen woman!" type of 50's husband)... But I know that isn't everybody's dream and that is totally OK! As long as you and your husband are on the same page and have the same expectations then all will be well. :)
While we're not married yet, FI and I have pretty traditional roles. My house is always immaculate and I've always liked to cook, laundry, etc. I enjoy doing things for my FI, like buying his clothes and making sure nothing has holes (why do men keep holey socks?!) He's always taken over keeping my car in shape and trash. He loves to cook even more than me though, so he does the majority of cooking (and eating! lol).
While this works for us, I don't think there is a stereotype anymore. But it persists when you hear people make comments about men's clothing looking shabby (and blaming the wife) or when the house is dirty, the wife is blamed.
I love the 'bee...it's so true that as long as you & your FI/DH/SO are on the same page about what you both want from each other & your relationship, you'll be a "good wife" & he'll be a "good husband".
For us, (together for 12 years, live-in for 10, married for 8 months, pregnant for the same), it's been a work in progress. I LOVE to cook & HATE to vacuum or wash dishes by hand. I'm a clutter bug & grew up organizing things in "piles". I like a spic & span bathroom & don't mind spending hours in it to get it that way. And on my first day off during any vacation, I like to be a bump-on-a-log. Hubs didn't know how to boil water or separate his laundry when we first met. But he likes a home that looks like it was pictured in Architectual Digest, so he's VERY WILLING to vacuum, pick up stuff, wash dishes & clothes, & rearrange towels in order to get it that way (since he knows I will only start washing dishes by hand when we're out of utensils or something). Now, after 10 years living together & being in our respective careers, I'm no longer a clutter bug, & he knows how to do more than boil water & even checks how I've separated the laundry. We have found that there are times of year when we need to lean on each other. As a teacher, the start of the school year, finals weeks, & end of the school year are SUPER busy for me & Hubs has to take on a greater load of the housework, including cooking, during that time. However, during the breaks (Thanksgiving, Winter, Spring, & Summer), I pretty much take over as "housewife", including *gasp* vacuuming once during each of these breaks. Now that he's working from home, he does A LOT of stuff around the house & I don't feel like a "bad wife" for that, especially since I'm doing the bulk of "growing the Kid". It all evens out & neither of us feels resentful...and THAT'S what's important.
Do I really have to have dinner on the table every night? Am I expected to be happy and smiling and doting on my husband 24/7? Where in the world did all these traditional ideas come from?!
These traditional ideas came from a time when a woman's only "job" was to keep house, while the man went out to earn the bread. Nowadays, unless you're a stay-at-home-wife, this is a totally unrealistic goal to have... not to mention totally unfair to you.
DH and I split chores roughly equally, and like hell I'm going to feel guilty about it. It really grates me that some people still feel it's degrading or emasculating for a man to have to do housework. Men are NOT too good to do housework. In fact, I feel that being able to take care of oneself is a requirement of adulthood, and taking care of oneself includes cooking and keeping one's home clean. I have no compunction about treating my DH like an adult and telling him it's his turn to vacuum.
It's a good thing DH was raised in a very egalitarian household, so he did not have any expectations of being pampered by a mommy figure. It would have been a serious problem in our relationship if he had those expectations, seeing as how I work much longer hours than him and earn twice as much.
@luckyprincess: Amen!
Even the term "good wife" sounds condescending and sexist to me. I feel like someone should be patting me on the head saying "that's a good wife!!" while I pant adoringly. Ugh.
Like @jayce said, unless your only job is to keep the home, traditional gender roles cannot be expected in this day and age. My FI and I both hold down full-time jobs so why should the majority of the responisbility for household chores fall on my shoulders? That hardly seems fair.
Fi and I are equal partners. I do the majority of the cooking, he does the majority of the cleaning and yardwork and we do our own damn laundry. Works out great for us.
I know this thread has taking the house work aspect and run with it. But one side of the coin, for me, in my commitment to being a good partner (or wife), is the promise to treat him with respect, kindness, patience and understanding. So many people are so dissatisfied in their marriages and I am really hoping to be a happy wife. A loving wife. A caring wife. And realizing how much of my own bs gets in the way of that. So for me it's not about cooking or cleaning as much as it is trying to be a good person to him day in day out regardless of my own limitations, anxiety, doubts, etc.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| ellisrobertson | 24 |
| fishbone | 21 |
| ndreighton | 18 |
| MsPanda | 14 |
| ladyartichoke | 14 |
| aduarte3201 | 14 |
| mypinkshoes | 12 |
 rdownie1 |
12 |
| pengoala | 11 |
| sylvia.riggle |
11 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Miss Apricot | 1 |
| msmolar | 1 |
| Fall_In_Love22 | 1 |
| MarryMeTiffany | 1 |
| rubybride718 | 1 |
| AngieBelle | 1 |
