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So last night, my FI and I went to our apartment to do some setting up and some painting. All the major stuff has been done thanks to the help of our family and friends.
The reason i'm writing is that I could use some good Godly encouragment from my fellow christian bees. I got home from work and my FI was already there. I know he's been tired lately, we both have between wedding and moving and what not. Anyway, I felt like he was angry and it seemed like he wanted dinner right away.
I hate cooking never liked to, but I had planned something very easy to make since it was our first night alone there, I wanted it to be special so I did grilled cheese and soup. I know not a gourmet but whatever. I started making his sandwich the minute I walked in the door.
The entire time i'm "cooking", I can't stop thinking how much I hate it, and how much I can't stand the fact that i'll have to do this, than cleaning up was the same thing. I just kept thinking how much I hate it and I don't want to be a wife and I don't know what to do.
He asked me what was wrong and we wound up fighting all night cause i couldn't tell him that I didn't want to be a wife, I feel crazy, this is insane, I want to get married but I don't wanna do that "stuff". I don't know, anybody have anything to help me?
Well, marriages are all about give and take...do you hate cooking for yourself? Cleaning up after yourself? They're all things that you might not want to do, but if you didn't, would he?
When you say you "don't want to be a wife," is it that you don't want to be married to this guy, married to anyone at all, or you just don't want to "cook and clean" for someone? Those are all very separate issues...
I don't even know anymore, its too much all at once, i'm starting to get really nervous, I hardly feel connected to him anymore, we keep fighting than making up and than fighting, we are both on edge its really bad.
I don't mind cleaning, I like when everything is neat and tidy, I really really hate cooking and all i did was make a freaking grilled cheese. I thought i'd like it eventually, I've been looking up recipes and trying to "get in the mood" but when it came down to it i felt like i "had" to do it and I hated it. I don't know what's going on, I don't know if it's just stress and things will be better when this wedding crap is over or what
p.s. we didn't sleep there, were moving in together after the wedding, so this was just playing house
Being a wife does not equal cooking! Being a wife is being a partner and in partnerships the partners take on different burdens of the shared work. You've got to talk to him and let him know what's up. Cooking distresses you and you both together need to find a way to eat dinner. It isn't automatically your job to cook. (Giving birth will be your job, but sorry, that one he just can't do :-))
Does your FI know about your aversion to the kitchen? Does he like to cook? Maybe you need to talk about the different "chores" each one of you will be doing after your married. How about taking turns cooking? Every other week you plan a menu together and get the shopping done together (or take turns, depending on whose turn it is to cook). Whoever doesn't cook does the clean up. Who knows, maybe he'll discover a passion for cooking?
Another idea is to cook for the week on a Saturday or Sunday (or another day depending on your schedules) and refrigerate or freeze portions that are easy to thaw and toss in to a microwave. Just make a side dish or salad to go with the entree each evening. Less time and less clean up.
If you love him and want to marry him then it's not that you don't want to be a wife, it's just some of the usually wifely duties that you don't like. However, if you a "modern" couple and share ALL the responsibilities of running a household I'm sure you'll settle into being a great wife!
You can still be a good wife without adopting all the "traditional" roles of 1950's wifely-hood. Does he expect you to cook and clean for him? Is that a new expectation? Or are you simply putting too much pressure on yourself? Cuz you could make yourself crack if you do that, and obviously you did. If he's hungry and/or cranky, he could have always fixed himself a snack. God gave him two legs, too =]
What about sharing household responsibilities? You both cook and clean and contribute to the overall household. Sometimes it is very nice to take a wife break and refresh
When you say, "i don't want to be a wife" i think you mean you don't want to be the stereotypical wife, right? With all the household duties and responsibilities? Or are you hinting at the fact that you think marriage is overwhelming to you right now? I don't think there is anything wrong with being overwhelmed and you are not a bad person b/c of it! You can take care of your husband and be a good wife in lots of ways besides plopping a gourmet pot roast in front of him and having dinner on the table at 6pm 5 days a week.
I grew up in a traditional household-- I watched mom slave away with a full time job, two high school kids, her father dying, her mom's stroke, and dad coming home to take his shoes off, sit in his recliner, turn the tv on, and ask when dinner was. Then sit down, eat it, and leave the dishes to everyone else. It took a toll on her. Even now, my dad is RETIRED and mom works 40 hours a week and is expected to cook, too. It's hard on my mom but she struggles with his expectations of her and her "failing" if she doesn't do it.
Have you guys sat down and discussed what "roles" you will play, together, in your household now that you will be married and living together?
I think you might just be overwhelmed and it's hitting you like a ton of bricks.
Being a wife doesn't mean you do all the cooking and cleaning all the time. It can mean that but it doesn't have to mean that. My FI does most of the cooking and I do most of the cleaning (he does his part better than I do). Sometimes we trade, we make sure the other is well taken care of, if one of us is stressed the other picks up the slack. So what's different between married and cooking and cleaning for yourself, is it you feel more responsibility now that it has to get done? Do you feel like he's not going to cook and clean at all? It sounds more like it's figuring out how to join together your two lives to be a cohesive happy unit than not wanting to be a wife. But it probably would be good to talk to him about household responsibilities and who's going to do what.
Thanks guys, it is hitting me like a ton of bricks like all of a sudden. He's very good don't get me wrong, I just am nervous I guess.
bvig nailed it I thinkg "It sounds more like it's figuring out how to join together your two lives to be a cohesive happy unit than not wanting to be a wife. "
I just wanted to tell some one and I felt like I couldn't talk to him or my mom so thanks for listening everyone and for your input it means a lot.
I love cooking. But the pressure of having to plan and cook a meal every night is intense. I eventually hit a wall from the stress of trying to do it well and please my husband (he's picky eater so it is doubly difficult sometimes) so I made a rule . . . he has to cook one night a week. I would help him, but ultimately, he had to plan and cook the meal. My husband isn't a chef, let alone a cook and we've had some yucky meals since then, but he has really tried to do his part and support me so I don't take on all of that responsibilty. When I made the rule I was yelling and crying and very upset. Once I was able to get all of my stress out we actually talked and figured out why it was so stressful for me so he agreed to cook one night a week and we agreed that the person resposible for cleaning up after the meal was not the cook. So most nights the dishes are his job and cooking is mine, and once a week we trade. Would your FH be willing to try something like that?
It sounds like a little bit of cold feet and you're just having a freak out. It IS overwhelming and I think it's pretty normal =]. Shoot, I'm a little like "eek" about my husband coming home. I'm going "crap, we gotta find a way to combine both our lives" which have been very separate for years now so I totally feel ya. I asked him if he expected me to cook now instead of the gym and whatnot and he laughed and said no--you probably need to ask your FI that, too. I think if you guys sit and talk about it you'll get on the same page. Try spending more time over there--it may start to feel more normal if you basically live there but don't sleep over. You don't have to do ALL of it, just remind yourself that =]
I know it is very close to your wedding and therefore there is a lot of stress, but I honestly see a problem with you coming home to your husband-to-be and noticing that he "seemed angry and seemed to want dinner right away". This kind of expectation isn't fair, in my opinion.
Being married does mean doing things for each other and adopting certain roles in your household, but have you actually discussed that cooking would be your role, or did he just expect you to cook as a wifely duty? If that's something he just expected with no discussion, and you clearly feel he will continue expect every day, I think that is a bad sign and something you should have a straightforward conversation about.
Ask him what he expects of you as his wife, and why, and tell him what you expect of him as a husband, and why. Think about your relationship and making it equal and happy, rather than modeling it after Leave It To Beaver.
Plenty of good wives don't cook! And you shouldn't have to do everything. Especially since both of you are working during the day, it doesn't make sense for you to shoulder the burden of all the household work once you are both home. If you cook, he should clean up after, or vice versa. Being a wife is not about being a caretaker - its about being a partner.
Have you two talked through what your roles in the household will be? It sounds like you're assuming (and he is too) that you're going to take on all the traditional housewife work. It also sounds like you associate this with your Christian walk... though I could be wrong, maybe I'm reading too much into what you said.
And it's true that lots of Christian families and communities see a traditional division of labor as part of Christian society... but it doesn't necessarily have to be that way, especially if you feeling obligated to play Betty Crocker is detrimental to your marriage! I think you need to let yourself off the hook a little bit about the cooking... it might be traditional, but it's not some scriptural commandment. You do, however, have to talk to your FH about how you're going to split up the work. If you don't have a job outside the home, or you have a deep passion for vacuuming, then maybe it makes sense for you to take it all on. But that's not the case... you two need a plan that makes your home life sustainable. Maybe like "She cleans, he cooks" or "She cooks 2 nights, he cooks 2 nights, 1 night of sandwiches, 1 night of leftovers, 1 night of delivery." Not cooking doesn't make you any less of a wife, and it doesn't make you any less of a Christian.
It also sounds like the stress of wedding planning and moving is getting to you, and you're exhausted, and it's hard to even see why you started the ball rolling to begin with... it's totally understandable to be overwhelmed! Maybe you can find some alone time to de-stress and get back in touch with the reasons you wanted to get married in the first place?
I agree with others that it's all about balance. I like cooking, but I hate cleaning! So, typically, I cook dinner and my fiance cleans up. But sometimes we switch, depending on what the day is, what our plans are, etc.
We've been together a LONG time and lived together a long time. I will advise you that it is hard finding that balance. We're doing pretty well right now, but we re-visit this discussion every once in a while. Example, I was getting annoyed that I was always making the grocery list/planning meals and FI would complain about the grocery bill. So I asked him to make the grocery list to see how he fared. Those duties went back to me when he realized how hard it was ;o)
There's a lot of give and take and struggling to balance with this mundane living-together type of stuff. The important thing is to talk about it and find a balance that works for you. For example, it was annoying me so much that FI would sit in the living room and watch TV while I made dinner. I didn't really want him to help or anything...it just kind of reminded me of my grandfather sitting in his recliner with a cocktail while my grandmother slaved over the stove. So now he tries to sit in the kitchen with me so that we can chat while I cook.
Anyway, I'm rambling a bit, but hope that I covered some helpful ground.
@daniellemybelle, he told me he had a really bad day, I was just really excited to be alone in our place for the first time together, that it instantly put me in a bad mood, which probably led to me snowballing out of control. He only expected it cause I told him I had brought stuff for dinner. (we have no food there since we won't actually be living there till end of October) So it was me picking up the vibe I think more so than his demand on me.
He is good and does help when he realizes I need it. And his intentions are good, I just felt broke last night, I don't know if I magically expected to be Suzy homemaker with all my new bridal shower gadgets or what but I think that's what led to being overwhelmed.
Thanks for the insight everyone, I couldn't identify what I was feeling last night.
i agree with all the comments on here. for me, my marriage is an equal partnership. we don't sit down and divide chores, but we make sure each is contributing. so tonight i want to cook dinner. i'll come home a bit earlier than my husband and will cook it. we'll eat, then i'll have a glass of wine and chat with him when he cleans up. then i might put away the laundry while he mops the kitchen. just because you're the woman in the relationship doesn't mean that all of the responsibilities fall on you. just talk with your fi about this - chances are he doesn't realize that it's upsetting you and will want to help out too. good luck, and keep us posted!
I agree with what Pelikila said. Whoever cooks does not clean up. That is my FI and my rule. Although he is weird and likes to do the dishes! Fine by me.
My fiance and I are both Christians, in fact he works at a church. He works 13 hour days on Sundays (yuck) and when he comes home he is completely wiped out and falls asleep on the couch (we don't live together, but we do play house). I cook for him on Sundays because I love him, and I know how tired he is when he comes home. Sometimes he comes home and there is smoke coming out of the kitchen but that's ok. I don't do it because I have to but because I want to do that for him.
Even though you don't like to cook, you probably like it even less if you feel obligated to it. So maybe you'll like it if you think of it in another way, taking care of him, when he is stressed out at work. He can do the same for you when you are stressed out from work. and then when you are both stressed out...there is always take out! 
If I could add to what other said - the thing I would encourage you to try to do is to talk to him about it. He will know when you are hurt/sad/upset, and no matter how awful of a day he had, don't think you are doing him any favors for not talking about it. I had to learn this lesson the hard way (getting into fights, before realizing that it would have been simpler to just tell him what was going on). A lot of times I didn't even realize what was going on til after the fact, and I believe part of growing/learning together is figuring out yourself and your needs. But, most importantly, I think part of honoring your spouse in a Godly way is to be the best communicator you can be. Try to be as honest with him as possible (even if it sounds ridiculous or stupid to you) and the two of you together will figure out something that works.
I did want to tell him but I couldn't come up with the words or how to say it, but after hearing some of the suggestions, I know how to describe what I was feeling without totally ripping him apart
There's so much good advice in this thread! I don't know how much I have to add, except maybe to say this is something every couple has to figure out. I think every couple struggles, at least a little bit, with understanding marital roles and responsibilities in their relationship. The most important thing, though, is to talk things through and work out a compromise. You need to tell your Fi just what you told us: Cooking is overwhelming for you; you really hate it; what other ways can you come together as a team to get this chore done? Focus on the solution, not the problem. :)
The other thing I would say is that engagements are often really stressful for couples. The important thing here, too, is communication. Just remember that you don't want to hurt each other. Sometimes stress, anger, and feeling overwhelmed can separate and isolate us, but it's important to put the bad feelings aside so you can come back together as team. That's what being married is all about, right? Partnership and teamwork? And the key to achieving those ideals is communication. I'm sure you'll feel better after you talk to your Fi and really work things out. :) And be sure to keep us updated on the outcome!
this was really the only thing we have ever fought about...(maybe twice total in our relationship have we fought and it was over this very same thing!)
He's an absolute clean freak...I like being clean but I'm a "clutter bug"...when we first met he was also the one who did ALL the cooking - HE always did the laundry - HE usually did the cleaning...and my reason (aside from really not liking cooking/laundry, etc) was the fact that he's so particular and when i WOULD do something - he'd always come back and say "you missed a spot" or "you did this wrong, this is how you should do it" meaning I didn't do it HIS way...he'd ask me to do the laundry but then say i didn't fold his clothes the way he does or do the laundry the way he does...(not mean about it, just annoying)
so i got so sick and tired of it I quit trying and let him do everything, since I felt like no matter how I did it, it wouldn't be "good enough"... - of course, though, that made him mad after a while and during the two times this really came up as a "problem" he'd tell me he didn't want to be the one doing the "womanly" things...
I still hate cleaning the way HE does...I still hate doing the laundry...BUT I have come to like cooking. Mainly because I'm obsessed with my diet/lifestyle (i eat low-carb) and so in order to make things I like, I'M the one who HAS to do the cooking - so in actuality, it's now become a hobby! (but that's just me)...AND we've made a bit of comprimise that the kitchen is "mine" meaning - I clean up the kitchen/dishes, etc (and he'll help every once in a while) but the rest of the house is his (laundry, etc)
So yeah - I totally understand not wanting to do the traditional "womanly/wife" chores. BUT again - it comes down to comprimise.
Just like everyone else says, you two REALLY MUST sit down and talk all this out and figure out who is going to do what.
If he doesn't like to (or doesn't know how to) cook either - maybe you two can take a cooking class together. Does he expect to have gourmet meals on the table when he gets home? If so then that's definitely something you two need to talk about, as it seems like you're not going to do that.
If you're not on any particular kind of diet - there's always TONS of "meals in a box" you can buy (be careful though as you probably don't want to eat too unhealthy...) but many stores sell meals in a box that come with everything already prepared.
Buy a crockport and get some crockpot books - i absolutely LOVE mine and am using it as I write this! lol.
I know it's not all about the cooking, specifically, as far as your post goes - and there's more deep-rooted issues at hand - but the point is - you need to find what works for both of you. AND you REALLY need to sit with him and talk all of this out.
Getting mad at him when he didn't do anything does NOT help (believe me, I know!) and especially when he doesn't understand WHY you're mad.
I wish you luck!!!!!
Let me start this off by saying that I know the roles of women are not the same as they were in the 50's.. but in my house they are because I am not working so I consider my job to be the home. I have explained to him that when I go back to work, things are going to dramatically change.
It takes time.. When my FI moved in with me, it was a major life change for me. Previously it had just been me and my first son so I cooked whatever and however I wanted. A lot of microwave stuff and not a whole bunch of meat. My FI moved in and expected 3 course meals and all that stuff.
At first I felt really nervous and shy about trying to do real cooking in front of him. I knew nothing! I had never even cooked a piece of chicken before. I got so nervous that it made me hate cooking. I wouldn't even want him watching me cook because I was so nervous that he would think I was cooking something in a weird way or doing it wrong.
Then I just started asking a billion questions and had him basically hold my hand for a few weeks while I made meals. After a while, I got the hang of it. I started experimenting with traditional recipes or cooking more stuff from scratch.
Now it is to the point where I enjoy it! It's exciting to try to cook something new and see if it turns into the best dish I ever had! I have favorites that I cook.. like chicken fajitas! I always cook a side dish I know we can fall back on if the meal is horrible, that way there isn't too much pressure on the new dish. Like garlic bread, I cook garlic bread with almost every meal..haha
The crock pot, as cliche as it sounds, is a great starting tool! You just get a recipe, throw all the stuff it says to in there.. and leave it.. Come home and it smells GREAT and it's all cooked. Not really any work at all and it usually tastes fantastic!
Oh and there was one point where I was frustrated trying to do the variety thing. I sat down and talked to him about it. He informed me that if I cooked chicken and rice every night he would not complain. So that really helped out.. that's our staple meal then I switch it up with recipes once or twice a week.. or he also likes spaghetti!
And doing the dishes... is ME time. We don't have a dishwasher which use to bug me. However, I discovered that if I listen to music and just retreat within my own brain while I do dishes, it is a wonderful time. This might also be because I am a mom and never get a moment alone. The dishes are my time.. I tell the kids not to bug me unless the house is on fire or someone is bleeding.
I know this reply is pretty scattered, but another thing I remembered is that I enjoyed cooking a lot more in the beginning if we shared the cooking. I would cook 2 things and he would cook the other 2 things at the same time and we would flirt and play while we cooked. It made it very romantic to cook together..
On the cooking front, if you want to learn, definitely start by watching the Food Network. Find someone you like (my someone is Rachel Ray) and it makes it easier to learn. There's a huge difference between reading a cookbook and actually watching the methods and techniques.
Definitely don't feel ashamed for how you feel. Planning a wedding and moving in with your new husband after that is a lot to take in. Next to kids, probably the two biggest life adjustments, and if you feel overwhelmed, it doesn't mean your a bad fiancee or wife or person.
I think think the easiest solution is just talk to him and explain how it's overwhelming. You guys need to come up with a house plan. For example, my FI and I have guidelines for all our housework (I cook the nights he stays late, and he cooks the nights I go to the gym/he takes out the garbage because I despise doing it, I clean the bathroom because I don't mind it). It's really all about compromise. And you'll be surpised. For the most part, my daily burdens are made easier in living with my FI, and I think what you're feeling is just overall pressure in the new lifestyle, not necessarily being a wife ... that's the fun part :)
Good luck to you!
You guys are great. I am not worried about some crazy deep seeded emotional problem, the more I am reading these posts, the more I am able to define how I felt last night. I put way to much pressure on myself. I always do that but this time it was worse. I think figuring out what to tag team on will be a little easier once we move in together since we'll see how each of us really lives and we will be able to see even more where our talents lie. Thank you so so much I feel a lot better and I really want to talk to my FI about these things even more.
It sounds like a lot of this is following Judy Syfers' 1971 essay "Why I want a Wife"
that essay is hilarious.. man I think I built myself into a mental box. He didn't do it, I did. My own fault so I can't wait to go home tonight and talk to him
hahaha. can i have a wife, too? does it matter if she's a he? =]. DH will be jobless at home with me--he knows it's his *job*, much like Cobalt said, to run the fort if i work. When he gets a job, we go back to divvying things up. Mostly i want him to stay busy so he doesn't get all blue too =]
I think you should talk about how chores are split. I love cooking, but after working a full day sometimes it's drudgery. My FI and I like to each take 30 minutes when we get home to do our separate stuff. He watches Sports or plays video games and I watch something girlie or read a book. So even if it means we're eating a little later taking a little bit of time can take the edge off. Also, when I cook at my FI's house, he does the cleanup. And I a lot of times end up doing clean up but knowing that he's willing to do it and helps even if I start on it, makes a difference. My FI also will be 'sous chef.' He does the chopping for salads or whatever else and in general just pokes around and talks to me while I cook. Those are all things that make me enjoy making dinner for both of us rather than feel stressed about it.
ok so I couldn't wait to get home and talk to him so I called him on my lunch break.
I made a list of things that were upsetting to me last night, and why I was feeling the way I felt.
Than I made a list of things that would ease my mind.
Finally a list of things i'm willing to do to help change the feelings and the situation.
I told him let me go through these things than you can have time to think about them or you can give me input now.
He told me he would like to read my list, and he thinks my ideas are good...I feel so much better we worked it out and we'll prob talk a little more about it tonight, but for now that is the update.
Thank you for all your good tips I really appreciate everyone of them. Thanks!
Yay! I'm so glad you feel better about your situation! It seems like you both have a good line of communication. :)
I'm glad you two are working it out. Good communication is so necessary, isn't it? Glad to hear that it's going well.
that's awesome!!! :) I'm happy to hear that you're feeling better and were able to talk it out with him! :)
Yay! Glad to hear you guys are able to chat about! In the future when you come across things that you don' tknow HOW to say them best, I find that it's better to let you guy know that what you're saying is going to come out really really bad (but you're so stressed you can't think of a nice way to phrase it all) and just get it out...usually then my guy will say something RIGHT ON and ignore the fact that i wasn't eloquent to begin with. =]
like colbalt, our happy home is a kickback to the 1950's and despite working longer hours i do everything in the household.. well except for taking out the garbage & change light globes, thats hubbys job
before hubby i couldnt boil water and hated cooking but since i now have my very "own" kitchen im embacing my inner martha steward and have been loving it
my hint is preparation, once a week i plan what dinners we are having for the upcoming week (i even have a blackboard in the kitchen listing this) and have the produce in the house ready to go. some things i pre-make (ie baked ricotta or roast beef) so all hubby has to do is put it in the oven when he comes home and its ready when i come home so all i have to do is set the table and dinner is ready without a fuss. of course you may want to train your hubby to set the table - it doesnt fuss me
oh, and i suggest once settled you 2 take a fun cooking class together just because you can and its fun
its all ok,.... these things annoy us all from time to time, some days i ring him and say "i cant cook anymore, ive made everything known to man" which is his clue to get chinese on the way home...... so its good you and your FI can talk about it
Being a Christian wife doesn't mean being responsible for all the cooking and cleaning. My dh and I are a Christian couple..We've been together 20 years. (I'm on the board as we're planning my daughers wedding) and as I write this he is making dinner. I had a really long day...he is making baked chicken, new potatos, fresh veggies. Who cooks at our house? Whoever has the energy. Who cleans? We both do..over the years we have figured out that I do the floors (he hates to), he does the laundry (doesn't like the way I fold clothes)
God wants us to love one another...work it out together. Talk to one another. Don't let Chrisitanty make you believe you are a slave...you are a partner. Good luck
what i do for us and my hubby - i never consider if its a christian thing or not... its about what makes me happy and im generally a doer & nurturer by nature (eg i was baking muffins at 6am for my office this morning). i like doing things for others and hopefully it makes them happy
I agree with everyone else. Being a wife does not equal cooking and cleaning. You need to negotiate your roles. Take turns cleaning, and whoever cleans does NOT do dishes. thats just silly :)
We talked more last night and decided to cut each other a break. We said lets try to handle whatever for the first 2 or 3 months and see what our flow is, than come back to evaluate what's working and what's not.
I feel so much better, we spent last night returning some stuff at BB&B and we were able to just hold hands and feel connected again.
I think we'll figure it all out as long as we can get through the overwhelming change part, so I'm excited to see how God will work in our relationship when we are actually living together. He's done such great things as it is.
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