Post # 1
So last night, my FI and I went to our apartment to do some setting up and some painting. All the major stuff has been done thanks to the help of our family and friends.
The reason i’m writing is that I could use some good Godly encouragment from my fellow christian bees. I got home from work and my FI was already there. I know he’s been tired lately, we both have between wedding and moving and what not. Anyway, I felt like he was angry and it seemed like he wanted dinner right away.
I hate cooking never liked to, but I had planned something very easy to make since it was our first night alone there, I wanted it to be special so I did grilled cheese and soup. I know not a gourmet but whatever. I started making his sandwich the minute I walked in the door.
The entire time i’m “cooking”, I can’t stop thinking how much I hate it, and how much I can’t stand the fact that i’ll have to do this, than cleaning up was the same thing. I just kept thinking how much I hate it and I don’t want to be a wife and I don’t know what to do.
He asked me what was wrong and we wound up fighting all night cause i couldn’t tell him that I didn’t want to be a wife, I feel crazy, this is insane, I want to get married but I don’t wanna do that “stuff”. I don’t know, anybody have anything to help me?
Post # 3
Well, marriages are all about give and take…do you hate cooking for yourself? Cleaning up after yourself? They’re all things that you might not want to do, but if you didn’t, would he?
Post # 4
When you say you “don’t want to be a wife,” is it that you don’t want to be married to this guy, married to anyone at all, or you just don’t want to “cook and clean” for someone? Those are all very separate issues…
Post # 5
I don’t even know anymore, its too much all at once, i’m starting to get really nervous, I hardly feel connected to him anymore, we keep fighting than making up and than fighting, we are both on edge its really bad.
I don’t mind cleaning, I like when everything is neat and tidy, I really really hate cooking and all i did was make a freaking grilled cheese. I thought i’d like it eventually, I’ve been looking up recipes and trying to “get in the mood” but when it came down to it i felt like i “had” to do it and I hated it. I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t know if it’s just stress and things will be better when this wedding crap is over or what
Post # 6
p.s. we didn’t sleep there, were moving in together after the wedding, so this was just playing house
Post # 7
Being a wife does not equal cooking! Being a wife is being a partner and in partnerships the partners take on different burdens of the shared work. You’ve got to talk to him and let him know what’s up. Cooking distresses you and you both together need to find a way to eat dinner. It isn’t automatically your job to cook. (Giving birth will be your job, but sorry, that one he just can’t do :-))
Post # 8
Does your FI know about your aversion to the kitchen? Does he like to cook? Maybe you need to talk about the different “chores” each one of you will be doing after your married. How about taking turns cooking? Every other week you plan a menu together and get the shopping done together (or take turns, depending on whose turn it is to cook). Whoever doesn’t cook does the clean up. Who knows, maybe he’ll discover a passion for cooking?
Another idea is to cook for the week on a Saturday or Sunday (or another day depending on your schedules) and refrigerate or freeze portions that are easy to thaw and toss in to a microwave. Just make a side dish or salad to go with the entree each evening. Less time and less clean up.
If you love him and want to marry him then it’s not that you don’t want to be a wife, it’s just some of the usually wifely duties that you don’t like. However, if you a “modern” couple and share ALL the responsibilities of running a household I’m sure you’ll settle into being a great wife!
Post # 9
You can still be a good wife without adopting all the “traditional” roles of 1950’s wifely-hood. Does he expect you to cook and clean for him? Is that a new expectation? Or are you simply putting too much pressure on yourself? Cuz you could make yourself crack if you do that, and obviously you did. If he’s hungry and/or cranky, he could have always fixed himself a snack. God gave him two legs, too =]
What about sharing household responsibilities? You both cook and clean and contribute to the overall household. Sometimes it is very nice to take a wife break and refresh
When you say, “i don’t want to be a wife” i think you mean you don’t want to be the stereotypical wife, right? With all the household duties and responsibilities? Or are you hinting at the fact that you think marriage is overwhelming to you right now? I don’t think there is anything wrong with being overwhelmed and you are not a bad person b/c of it! You can take care of your husband and be a good wife in lots of ways besides plopping a gourmet pot roast in front of him and having dinner on the table at 6pm 5 days a week.
I grew up in a traditional household– I watched mom slave away with a full time job, two high school kids, her father dying, her mom’s stroke, and dad coming home to take his shoes off, sit in his recliner, turn the tv on, and ask when dinner was. Then sit down, eat it, and leave the dishes to everyone else. It took a toll on her. Even now, my dad is RETIRED and mom works 40 hours a week and is expected to cook, too. It’s hard on my mom but she struggles with his expectations of her and her “failing” if she doesn’t do it.
Have you guys sat down and discussed what “roles” you will play, together, in your household now that you will be married and living together?
I think you might just be overwhelmed and it’s hitting you like a ton of bricks.
Post # 10
Being a wife doesn’t mean you do all the cooking and cleaning all the time. It can mean that but it doesn’t have to mean that. My FI does most of the cooking and I do most of the cleaning (he does his part better than I do). Sometimes we trade, we make sure the other is well taken care of, if one of us is stressed the other picks up the slack. So what’s different between married and cooking and cleaning for yourself, is it you feel more responsibility now that it has to get done? Do you feel like he’s not going to cook and clean at all? It sounds more like it’s figuring out how to join together your two lives to be a cohesive happy unit than not wanting to be a wife. But it probably would be good to talk to him about household responsibilities and who’s going to do what.
Post # 11
Thanks guys, it is hitting me like a ton of bricks like all of a sudden. He’s very good don’t get me wrong, I just am nervous I guess.
bvig nailed it I thinkg “It sounds more like it’s figuring out how to join together your two lives to be a cohesive happy unit than not wanting to be a wife. “
I just wanted to tell some one and I felt like I couldn’t talk to him or my mom so thanks for listening everyone and for your input it means a lot.
Post # 12
I love cooking. But the pressure of having to plan and cook a meal every night is intense. I eventually hit a wall from the stress of trying to do it well and please my husband (he’s picky eater so it is doubly difficult sometimes) so I made a rule . . . he has to cook one night a week. I would help him, but ultimately, he had to plan and cook the meal. My husband isn’t a chef, let alone a cook and we’ve had some yucky meals since then, but he has really tried to do his part and support me so I don’t take on all of that responsibilty. When I made the rule I was yelling and crying and very upset. Once I was able to get all of my stress out we actually talked and figured out why it was so stressful for me so he agreed to cook one night a week and we agreed that the person resposible for cleaning up after the meal was not the cook. So most nights the dishes are his job and cooking is mine, and once a week we trade. Would your FH be willing to try something like that?
Post # 13
It sounds like a little bit of cold feet and you’re just having a freak out. It IS overwhelming and I think it’s pretty normal =]. Shoot, I’m a little like “eek” about my husband coming home. I’m going “crap, we gotta find a way to combine both our lives” which have been very separate for years now so I totally feel ya. I asked him if he expected me to cook now instead of the gym and whatnot and he laughed and said no–you probably need to ask your FI that, too. I think if you guys sit and talk about it you’ll get on the same page. Try spending more time over there–it may start to feel more normal if you basically live there but don’t sleep over. You don’t have to do ALL of it, just remind yourself that =]
Post # 14
I know it is very close to your wedding and therefore there is a lot of stress, but I honestly see a problem with you coming home to your husband-to-be and noticing that he “seemed angry and seemed to want dinner right away”. This kind of expectation isn’t fair, in my opinion.
Being married does mean doing things for each other and adopting certain roles in your household, but have you actually discussed that cooking would be your role, or did he just expect you to cook as a wifely duty? If that’s something he just expected with no discussion, and you clearly feel he will continue expect every day, I think that is a bad sign and something you should have a straightforward conversation about.
Ask him what he expects of you as his wife, and why, and tell him what you expect of him as a husband, and why. Think about your relationship and making it equal and happy, rather than modeling it after Leave It To Beaver.
Plenty of good wives don’t cook! And you shouldn’t have to do everything. Especially since both of you are working during the day, it doesn’t make sense for you to shoulder the burden of all the household work once you are both home. If you cook, he should clean up after, or vice versa. Being a wife is not about being a caretaker – its about being a partner.
Post # 15
Have you two talked through what your roles in the household will be? It sounds like you’re assuming (and he is too) that you’re going to take on all the traditional housewife work. It also sounds like you associate this with your Christian walk… though I could be wrong, maybe I’m reading too much into what you said.
And it’s true that lots of Christian families and communities see a traditional division of labor as part of Christian society… but it doesn’t necessarily have to be that way, especially if you feeling obligated to play Betty Crocker is detrimental to your marriage! I think you need to let yourself off the hook a little bit about the cooking… it might be traditional, but it’s not some scriptural commandment. You do, however, have to talk to your FH about how you’re going to split up the work. If you don’t have a job outside the home, or you have a deep passion for vacuuming, then maybe it makes sense for you to take it all on. But that’s not the case… you two need a plan that makes your home life sustainable. Maybe like “She cleans, he cooks” or “She cooks 2 nights, he cooks 2 nights, 1 night of sandwiches, 1 night of leftovers, 1 night of delivery.” Not cooking doesn’t make you any less of a wife, and it doesn’t make you any less of a Christian.
It also sounds like the stress of wedding planning and moving is getting to you, and you’re exhausted, and it’s hard to even see why you started the ball rolling to begin with… it’s totally understandable to be overwhelmed! Maybe you can find some alone time to de-stress and get back in touch with the reasons you wanted to get married in the first place?
Post # 16
I agree with others that it’s all about balance. I like cooking, but I hate cleaning! So, typically, I cook dinner and my fiance cleans up. But sometimes we switch, depending on what the day is, what our plans are, etc.
We’ve been together a LONG time and lived together a long time. I will advise you that it is hard finding that balance. We’re doing pretty well right now, but we re-visit this discussion every once in a while. Example, I was getting annoyed that I was always making the grocery list/planning meals and FI would complain about the grocery bill. So I asked him to make the grocery list to see how he fared. Those duties went back to me when he realized how hard it was ;o)
There’s a lot of give and take and struggling to balance with this mundane living-together type of stuff. The important thing is to talk about it and find a balance that works for you. For example, it was annoying me so much that FI would sit in the living room and watch TV while I made dinner. I didn’t really want him to help or anything…it just kind of reminded me of my grandfather sitting in his recliner with a cocktail while my grandmother slaved over the stove. So now he tries to sit in the kitchen with me so that we can chat while I cook.
Anyway, I’m rambling a bit, but hope that I covered some helpful ground.